Entries from June 2006 ↓

I’m going to tell you something that most men wouldn’t want me to let you in on as a woman.

It’s the “inside scoop” on men.

It’s the kind of stuff that could help you to instantly identify a good guy from an “unavailable” dead-end of a man.

Actually, you could use this to avoid the pain and frustration of getting mixed up with the wrong guy - or figure out EXACTLY what to do if you end up in a difficult situation with one.

So let me ask you…

How well do you really understand men?

Or more specifically, how much do you know about how they honestly think, feel and communicate with women?

Do you know all the things that are going on when a guy’s doing that male “withdrawal thing”?

And do you know what the best thing is to about it?

Well, I’ve got a CONFESSION for you about men.

But something crazy is going to happen when I tell you.

A lot of single men are going to get PISSED OFF at me.

Why?

Because their “DARK SECRET” is going to be exposed to the people they want to keep it from most - women like you.

So what’s the secret?

The secret I’m talking about is the one that all single, selfish, unavailable and emotionally disconnected men don’t want you to know about.

And that goes doubly for those men who have no real intention of building a lasting and loving future with a woman, but get deeply involved anyways just for the short term emotional, social and physical “benefits”.

Know the kind of guys I’m talking about?

Guys who at first seem like great catches…

But something else is going on beneath the surface and your GUT FEELINGS tell you that something is “off”.

And in the back of your mind you have that small questioning voice… but you just can’t put your finger on what’s wrong, so you don’t say anything and you stick it in the back of your mind where it keeps bugging you.

Then later you find out you were right.

The truth is, your intuition and your unconscious mind give you these “gut feelings” as a kind of gift.

But you know what?

There’s a DANGER to it.

Lots of women make the mistake of instantly acting on their intuition without thinking through how to communicate to a man what they’re thinking and feeling.

So instead of their intuition with men making they’re love-life better, it ends up making their experience with men WORSE and causing more tension and turmoil.

Talk about counterintuitive.

Quite literally.

But the fact is, some women don’t even like the idea of changing the way that they communicate with a man.

For them, it makes them feel like they’re compromising themselves or their emotional experience by catering to what the man’s perspective.

The reality is, it’s in their best interest and for their own benefit to think this way.

Unfortunately, they don’t see it that way.

What a huge mistake.

Don’t bet on men to “get” what you’re thinking and feeling, just because it makes sense to YOU.

If you’re assuming that a man gets all the same things about dating, relationships and communication that you get, you’ve got another thing coming…

Communication is simply the response that you get, not what you’re trying to say.

THE CONFESSION “UNAVAILABLE MEN” DON’T WANT YOU TO HEAR

Here’s something FASCINATING to think about-

What if a guy wasn’t capable of telling you the truth about himself and how he really feels about you deep down inside?

I’m talking about his “relationship oriented” feelings here.

And what if even HE didn’t know what the heck was going on inside his own mind?

How could you know where he was at or trust anything that he was telling you about his feelings and intentions with you in the LONG TERM.

What would you do then?

How would you know what to think about what he told you he was feeling?

Alright… enough beating around the bush.

Here’s my confession and what I’m getting at:

If you haven’t figured it out by now, lots of men have a SERIOUS PROBLEM with telling women THE TRUTH about HOW THEY FEEL.

Not with the simple stuff, but with the important things that can mean the difference between a broken lasting commitment or a painful dead-end relationship or fling.

Let me explain…

I’m not saying that men have trouble telling women the truth about what they feel or think “in the moment”.

That’s easy.

Men can be unusually expressive in those more “intimate” or physical moments with a woman.

That’s not what I’m getting at here.

What I am saying is that lots of men have little or no hope of being able to openly tell a woman how they feel or what they want IN THE LONG TERM.

It’s an “emotional language” that some men just don’t think or speak.

I’ll get to why this is later.

But first, have you ever noticed that with some men, the only thing they’re really SURE about emotionally and in the long term is that THEY AREN’T SURE about the long term!?

Arrrrgggghhh!!

How frustrating, right?

Have you ever been talking with a guy about where things were headed in the relationship, and when it came to the moment where he was supposed to share how he felt, he coughed up one of those stupid “standard male responses”?

You know, one of those responses where you could swear he must have read it in some dumb bachelors’ handbook about how to avoid settling down with a woman.

Maybe he used one those famous one-liners like,

“I’m just not ready to settle down.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“I’m feeling pressured.”

The worst one of these has to be when a guy doesn’t say ANYTHING AT ALL and leaves it entirely up to the woman to communicate about the relationship and the future.

And to add insult to injury, once the woman starts “the talk”, he turns it around on her and acts like she’s “hassling” him or being overly-emotional, just because she brought it up.

Know what I’m talking about?

Unfortunately, if you’ve ever talked to a living, breathing man in your life, then you probably get it.

I call guys like this “Resistant Men”.

They resist getting in-tune with their feelings and emotions.

They resist a woman’s more natural ability and desire to communicate about feelings and emotions.

And they resist the idea that they might be tragically out of touch with their feelings or what they want when it comes to women, dating and
relationships.

The worst part is that they can become MORE RESISTANT and LESS OPEN even though a woman is trying to communicate and connect with them.

But “Resistant” men are often EXPERTS at PRETENDING that they’ve got their emotional life “together”.

And guess what else?

I’d group a large percentage of the single, successful, motivated men out there into the “Resistant” category.

Translation = odds are you’ll need to learn how to deal with this at some point if you’re going to find a guy and build a lasting relationship that works for both of you.

THE DANGEROUS PSYCHOLOGY OF “RESISTANT MEN”… AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

I’ve got to address something important here.

I don’t think that it’s “wrong” for a guy to think and feel like a single bachelor in his life.

It’s Ok if he’s not interested in finding a relationship, love and a commitment.

Just like I don’t think it’s “wrong” for a woman to feel or think this way either.

But where I see a lot of problems come up is when men aren’t AWARE, honest or up-front with a woman about being in this place in their life.

And that’s why Resistant Men are the worst kind of ignorant people.

They’re the worst because they actually don’t know what they don’t know. (Huh?)

In other words, they can’t even see or understand the things that they don’t know about themselves.

They are completely UNCONSCIOUS about it.

Scary stuff when it comes to being a good long term partner for a woman, where being conscious, aware and “available” to communicate about these things is CRITICAL.

But how do I know about all this stuff?

Well… because I was the Resistant Man in my past.

Yeah, that’s right. I’ve been in that emotionally weird, distant, uncertain and withdrawing place and I was unconsciously scared off from woman by any close and continuous emotional attachment and commitment.

(I know, slap me around later for having been one of these guys!)

I also know all about Resistant Men because I’ve known and still know TONS of men who are this way with women in their lives, and I get to talk to them and hear where they’re at from an insider’s guy-to-guy perspective.

But here’s THE STRANGEST PART-

Lots of men like to think that it’s “normal” to be this way.

Why?

Well, here’s my short “social-psychology” explanation for this…

Maintaining a certain “emotional distance” makes it easier for a man to feel strong and confident.

By avoiding a whole new range of personal and emotional experiences that he isn’t sure where it will lead him, he can keep more CONTROL in his life.

The truth is, men fear a loss of control or power more than almost anything else.

So for lots of men, the less “involved” or “invested” they are in anything, the more they can maintain a confident, predictable “tough” male attitude.

That’s part of the reason why lots of men out there avoid new, lasting emotional experiences.

Especially when it comes to women.

But it’s almost like an “unspoken truth” for some men that being this way and staying relatively unattached and uninvolved with women gives them a (false) sense of strength, confidence and most of all control of their emotions.

And I’m not even touching on the developmental, biological and evolutionary reasons why men can be this way.

Imagine this…

There’s a woman who is completely CONSCIOUS and in touch with her feelings and what she wants.

She’s been thinking and communicating her whole life in a way that involves knowing how she feels and telling other people.

Now imagine she meets a guy and she wants to talk and share things on this level him.

Now imagine that he’s one of these Resistant Men.

What does he do in this situation?

At first he’ll try and “talk the talk” with her.

He’ll share his growing feelings, his ATTRACTION and his excitement to be with her.

And for the woman, this will make it genuinely feel like he’s got it together in this “emotional” department and that he gets it.

But a little while down the road if things are going well, it’s time for him to go to the next level of communication with the woman.

Guess what happens?

It’s a shock and a surprise to the woman that this doesn’t start to happen.

At all!

But the woman here is in touch with her feelings and starting to share her growing attachment and connection.

So then she asks they guy what he’s feeling.

Silence…

So she asks him again, trying to get the connection back that seems to be slowly fading away.

And then the guy gets a little frustrated and he starts to do something FASCINATING.

He actually starts to DENY that there isn’t the kind of connection that they used to feel with each other.

**degree of defensiveness = degree of guilt**

And he also doesn’t see that they aren’t talking about much anymore, or that any of this is anything important.

Then he tries to distract from the topic by saying things to her like,

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

Or, “Stop acting hysterical.”

Or, “You’re being overly sensitive and emotional.”

The sad truth is that Resistant Men who are trying to develop something more “serious” with a woman CAN’T or WON’T ADMIT that they need help and guidance from someone who’s smarter and more experienced when it comes to communicating about these things.

Someone like a smart woman.

And what happens next is something I’ve watched that has led hundreds of women I’ve known or talk to into frustrating, painful, “going nowhere” situations with a man:

The woman. either consciously or unconsciously, starts to try and “compensate” for the Resistant Man.

This usually starts by her trying to make up for she thinks is wrong with him around both of their feelings and the future of their relationship.

And here’s where things go from BAD TO WORSE…

The woman makes it her RESPONSIBILITY and BURDEN to “carry” the emotional aspects of the relationship and keep it alive.

Talk about a sure-fire way to be unhappy and frustrated.

Don’t get me wrong… the woman’s intention is great, but the approach is DEAD WRONG!

Repeat after me:

YOU CAN’T FIX A MAN.

End of story. What you see is what you get.

So why do lots of women try anyways?

The way I see it, there are 2 deep psychological reasons why women will try and “compensate” for Resistant Men, even though it will never “fix” things or make them happy:

1. It was just the way they were raised to deal with men like this and they don’t know any other way.

2. Because they FEAR LOSING THE MAN and being ALONE more than they fear of being in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship.

This second reason is the one I see going on most of the time I see women compensating, but sometimes the first or both can be true.

The thing is, fear of loss has a terrible way of controlling things…

It can control your thinking.

It can control your judgment.

And it can control your behavior.

How?

Because it makes you willing to do ANYTHING to avoid losing what you want to keep…

And that’s where some women get hung up and end up accepting or tolerating all kinds of dumb behavior from Resistant Men.

Compensating for a man’s weaknesses and shortcomings is a long term recipe for unhappiness.

If you’ve got to try and can’t help yourself from going down this road, remember that there’s not too many good strategies for doing it.

Resistant Men don’t know it, but they need you to LEAD THEM to become aware of and “fix” their own emotional and commitment issues…

You can do it, but it’s an uphill battle all the way.

The most important thing to avoid is the IMPOSSIBLE process of trying to “convince” a man to change for you.

Instead, learn to avoid Resistant Men in the first place, and if you do get involved with one, you need to figure out the things you can do to make it HIS RESPONSIBILITY to “fix” himself.

In my eBook, “Catch Him & Keep Him”, I talk about exact steps any woman can take to identify a Resistant Man from the start.

I also talk about the things that smart women do find great guys, and how move quickly with a man to where they want to be in connecting with a man and developing something long term - if that’s what they’re after.

It will help you get back in the drivers seat with your love-life.

And if you’re not on my no-cost newsletter, feel free to go here and get in on it:

http://www.dating-advice-for-women.net/catchhimandkeephim

Christian Carter

Have you ever dated a great guy, or had a relationship with a man, where he was doing all the things that told you he was “into you”?

But then, for what seemed like no reason, all of the things that were going so smoothly between you just seemed to stop?

He stopped calling.

Or he stopped making plans.

Or he WITHDREW, and you knew it wasn’t just temporary.

Get ready to learn why men often stop doing the things that made your relationship work and come together in the first place.

There is a way to quickly get back to that close, connected, and loving place where a man makes growth in your relationship EASY because he keeps leading you both FORWARD.

You DON’T have to “hold your relationship together” and keep convincing a man of the importance of your relationship.

In fact, this actually WORKS AGAINST you with most men.

Keep reading and find out what actually works to get things quickly back on track in these uncertain situations where men don’t seem very “involved” or “available” anymore.

Question From A Reader:

Dear Christian,

My guy asked me to be his gf. Once I said yes, he did a backslide and that has been it for the last year. He is too busy for me. I told him I want to break up and he argues me out of it. I want to point out what I find interesting- he told me a story about his best relationship. One he had before he met his first wife. He said the woman he was seeing was perfect for him. She had no expectations and did not ask questions. His voice softened as he told this story. She was always happy to see him whenever he dropped in.

He blew her off on Christmas. He upped and decided to travel across country to visit family for Christmas without telling her his plans. After the holiday he dropped by and again she was happy to see him.

He ended the story by stating that she met someone else and moved in with the man. So this woman was obviously not waiting home for him.

This guy has freaked when I gave up on him and put up my profile on dating sites. He states this is grounds to dodge me. I say? excuse me?? You already dodged me and that’s when I put up the profile. Life is too short to hang around for something that is not going to happen.

Any thoughts or advice?

K.R.

MY COMMENTS:

You go sister!

I love it when a woman is CLEAR for herself that a man isn’t measuring up, and that it’s NOT HER FAULT.

I wish more women had this kind of clarity and certainty about their relationships and their feelings.

The kind of clarity that empowers women to stop worrying so much about what men are thinking and doing and what they DON’T WANT… and start moving towards what they DO WANT in a positive and constructive way.

Now as for your guy - you already know what I’m about to tell you.

He’s not a very mature man when it comes to women and relationships. In fact, he’s not much of a “Man” at all.

Actually, he’s more of a “Boy”. And you should start referring to him in this way, both in your mind and in conversation, so that you STAY CLEAR on the fact that he’s the one who just doesn’t “get it” right now when it comes to relationships.

Now I don’t have to do much to point out YOUR PART in creating this dead-end, going nowhere, unfulfilling, and immature relationship, do I?

You weren’t honest with yourself about what was REALLY GOING ON inside this guy’s mind when it came to women and relationships.

I’m sure the signs were there as you started getting close and you developed feelings for him.

They always are… and you as a woman are always finding them and “processing” what they mean.

But YOU wanted to believe in your feelings so much so that you convinced yourself of the idea that you could turn him into a better guy.

And then, for the sake of trying to make the relationship work for a while, you forgot all about the meaning of the personal “sacrifice” you made.

Even though, somewhere deep down, you KNEW something wasn’t right.

The truth is, trading your happiness, insights, or emotional well-being for a man’s love or approval (in your case, these add up to a relationship) ALWAYS works against you.

HOW TO FIND AND ENJOY A “REAL” COMMITMENT WITH A “REAL MAN”

There are some other fascinating dynamics going on in your email that I want to point out.

Fascinating things about how men think and act when it comes to relationships and COMMITMENT.

And how women often act when it comes to men and their common behaviors in new, growing, or committed relationships.

But before we get to these important lessons, I want to clear the air about when and why to leave a relationship with a man, since you’ve touched on it here in your email.

There’s one simple rule I like to go by in relationships when all is said and done-

Relationships are for GROWTH.

So if you’re in a relationship that has no growth, (with the exception of you growing for yourself as you “suffer”), then guess what time it is?

It’s time to think about how to MOVE ON.

And I don’t just mean that you completely move on from the man (especially if you’ve been committed or married for years and you’re not looking to end it).

What I mean is that your old relationship that wasn’t working, and the old “roles” that you played, are going to have to die in order for you to grow.

So I’m not going tell you or any woman how or why to end her relationship as a general rule.

I’m just going to show you how to move on from the past and get all you can from your relationship no matter where you are now.

And yes, certain bad situations have to end.

But here’s what you need to know if you want to AVOID these kinds of dead-end relationships in the first place… and instead create the kind of committed, certain, and emotionally fulfilling relationships that bring love into your life… and that LAST.

You know those relationships where you really care about or love a man, but it just isn’t working?

Well, most women take the approach that they need to “fix” the relationship themselves in order to be happy and make things work.

And when this happens, as you probably already know, the entire “weight” of the relationship quickly falls on your shoulders.

Give me a silent nod if you know what I’m talking about here and you’ve experienced the struggle and “burden” of feeling like you’re the only one who really cares about whether your relationship works out or not.

The thing is, this is a common situation where you as a woman feel like you’re the only one doing “the work”.

And the reality is that, no matter how smart, wise, attractive, etc. a woman is, if you’re trying to “do the work” for a man, it’s going to backfire and only cause you to become less and less happy and fulfilled.

Give me another silent nod if you’ve tried to take on the role of the “savior” or “doing all the work” in your relationship before.

You know exactly how this makes you feel and where it takes your relationship - NOWHERE.

There’s a secret key to understanding men and moving quickly and easily into a growing, more committed relationship with a man.

Part of this secret starts with understanding how and why men see DATING so differently than RELATIONSHIPS.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that men do all kinds of things while they’re DATING and “uncommitted” that they RARELY seem to do once they are inside a COMMITTED relationship.

Things that make you and your relationship stronger, grow, and keep things moving forward.

Do you know why that is?

I want to point out what I see is one of the biggest mistakes a woman can make with a man if he’s not doing his part in a relationship…

It’s an all too common “trap” that women fall into that only makes things worse.

Lots of women end up making EXCUSES for what’s going on with a man by obsessing about what’s wrong with THEM instead of having the confidence to take a good look at what a man’s really doing and accepting this as the reality of the situation.

I can’t tell you how many times I see and read emails where women think or feel bad about themselves just because a guy can’t get it together.

But then what do they go and do?

Instead of staying clear, calm, and centered when they communicate with a man, they start to CONVINCE HIM that he could and should think and feel differently.

I call this being “The Convincer” in the relationship.

Of course, this reaction makes complete and total logical sense.

If a man is doing something “wrong” in a relationship… then you need to point out what he’s doing wrong and how he should fix it, right?

And he SHOULD respond.

But do men actually respond to women telling them that they are screwing up or don’t “get it” by opening up and changing?

It’s not even a question worth answering.

Obviously the answer is NO, men don’t.

Men can’t stand having a woman tell them how to think and feel almost as much as women don’t like men to do the same with them.

And it certainly doesn’t make them feel MORE ATTRACTED to a woman, or MORE INTERESTED in a RELATIONSHIP.

You following me here?

The common and fatal “trap” women often fall into with men who are withdrawn, “unavailable”, or uncommitted is to start CONVINCING a man that he SHOULD think or feel a certain way about them and their relationship…

Instead of giving them actual EXPERIENCES that will make them FEEL this way on their own.

Men don’t fall for women, become attracted to them, or decide that they’d like to be in a committed relationship with a woman because a woman is so good at convincing a man to want these things.

That kind of thing is for politicians and debates.

I introduce and explain the role of the “Convincer”, and I talk about what I call the Relationship Balance in my ebook “Catch Him & Keep Him”.

If you want to quickly learn how to overcome this common role in a relationship that leads to a man pulling away from you in response to YOUR ACTIONS… then go here now and download a copy of my ebook:

http://www.dating-advice-for-women.net/catchhimandkeephim

Now, back to it.

What makes a man fall for a woman, become deeply attracted to her, and want a real and lasting committed relationship is the way a woman makes him FEEL.

And what are you making a man feel if you are subtly trying to “convince” him to want to be with you?

I’ll give you the answer to this one-

You’re making him feel RESISTANT.

There’s a simple law in nature that applies here…

Whenever you use force against something and it doesn’t move, there is ALWAYS an equal and opposite force working against you.

If you’re pushing or pulling a man, and he isn’t going where you want him to go… then you’re creating an equal and opposite force
within him.

And it’s this force that keeps him from opening up or listening.

Of course, the harder, the louder, or the more sad you get, the greater the force you are using… and thus the greater his opposite force and RESISTANCE is going to be.

There’s a better way.

If you learn to work WITH THE FORCES that are already going on inside a man, his feelings, and HIS REASONS for committing (or not), then your odds of success instantly go up DRAMATICALLY.

So how do you learn to do this?

Well, the “basics” of how this works, and the delicate and natural “balance” each and every relationship must have is spelled out in my eBook that I mentioned before.

But if you want to get into the nitty gritty details and how-to’s here about creating a truly committed and lasting relationship… then I’d start by learning what the actual process of commitment looks like for a man and go from there.

If you think about it, some of the things you might think are mistakes, mishaps, or “accidents” in your relationships with men could actually be part of HIS COMMITMENT PROCESS.

After years of study, research, and observation of committed and loving couples,I’ve found that the myth that becoming deeply connected and committed in a relationship comes easily and smoothly for most couples is just that - A MYTH.

The reality is that the women who actually do have an “easy” time moving into a secure, committed, long term relationship with a man don’t just have men who make it easy for them.

It’s not that it CAN’T be easy.

It can.

But the difference is that these women have learned about exactly what it is that can make a man who thinks he’s happy in his “bachelorhood” become completely certain that he wants to become COMMITTED with a woman… and STAY COMMITTED not just physically, but on an emotional level as well.

(Hint - what makes a man become certain in this way about a relationship and commitment with a woman is NOT what makes a woman feel this way)

Of course, as we’ve already touched on, the man you choose does make a huge difference.

All men aren’t the same… and I’d be lying to you if I told you they were.

That’s why you’ve got to learn to spot a “Real Man” from a “Boy”… and become clear for yourself the difference so you don’t get caught up in the frustrating and dangerous patterns of trying to have a mature relationship with an immature man.

It took me literally years to put together a clear, real, step-by-step picture of how a man becomes truly committed with a woman, and grows MORE COMMITTED over time. Not less.

Dating exclusively, or monogamy, is just one small step in the ongoing cycle of growth in a real and committed relationship.

A deeper level of what I call “emotional connection” is another step along the cycle of commitment.

As is marriage.

Wouldn’t just knowing what a mature “Man” really acts, thinks and talks like in a relationship make things a whole lot easier? Just to know if you were on track… or if things really and truly were headed in the wrong direction?

And wouldn’t it be great to know how a “Boy” acts in some of the more common and critical
situations?

Situations like “the talk”, where you actually communicate about your relationship and make a verbal commitment to each other?

There’s a huge difference between how a “Real Man” acts in this situation, and how a “Boy” does.

If you don’t know the difference, and what to do about it, then odds are you’re going to have trouble creating the situation and outcome that you would want for your love life.

How many times have you tried to “talk” with a man in this way, and it went wrong from the very beginning?

It doesn’t have to work this way.

Another critical situation is when you see something a man is doing that just doesn’t work for you or your relationship, and you need to say something and ask him to stop or change.

If you’re like lots of women I’ve known and helped, then just the idea of talking to a man directly about HIS ISSUES makes you fearful and certain that he’s going to explode with anger or frustration.

If you think or feel this way, it’s time to recognize that this isn’t EVER going to get you where you need to be in order to enjoy a real relationship.

There’s a way to communicate with a man that AVOIDS these common destructive reactions and responses and moves you both into a more connected and committed place together.

The key is to first eliminate the common “negative strategies” that only work to push men away, or make them act more like the “Boy”.

We’ve already touched on one of these which was the trap of the “convincing” approach.

There are several other common and destructive approaches that smart women take all the time that make commitment with a man MUCH, MUCH harder than it ever has to be.

I want to help you identify and eliminate your own personal “strategy” that isn’t working for you and is keeping you from moving into the committed and secure relationship you want with a man…

But I also want to help you create your own personal best strategy for approaching situations and communicating with the man in your life.

Wouldn’t it be great to get back to the place where you were comfortable talking and sharing MORE of what you think and feel… and a man became LESS RESISTANT to moving your relationship forward as a result?

If so, then it’s time you took the matters into your own hands and stopped waiting for a man (or a boy) to figure it out and make it happen
for you.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

This time I’m sharing a great question from a reader.

It’s a question I get all the time from women that points out a common misunderstanding women have about men.

Reader:

Dear Christian, I’m sorry but I need to ask you a question. I need advice and help. Me and my ex have been together off and on many times, recently we just broke up and now he’s dating someone else. (he doesn’t know what he wants) But I know he still has very big feelings for me and I want advice and help on getting him back. Even though he’s dating someone right now, he still has feelings for me, and I need help on getting him back with me and not with her.

Please help!

Sincerely,
Needy and Hopeless

My Answer:

Thanks for writing, your email has about 147 great things here.

Let’s look at a few of them….

The first important issue is that you’re ignoring all the important signs your ex is giving you.

Please don’t be naive…

If he’s dating someone else, you’ve got to start moving on.

He doesn’t share your feelings of wanting to back together.

If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize that he’s not in the right place in his life to share what you want with him.

This doesn’t mean you should to go out and try to date right now, but you need to take your mind off him.

This is hard for a woman when you still have feelings for him…. but you’re setting yourself up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment.

Yeah, I’ve seen couples get back together like this… but the odds are things don’t look good for this old relationship.

The more you can distance yourself from your ex whose dating another woman, the happier you’ll be.

Trust me.

And I know doing this is tough, but you’ve got to.

You’re also making a lot of assumptions about his feelings when you say “he has very big feelings for me” when you know he’s dating someone else.

Thinking about this only keeps you stuck on him and his feelings.

If you listen to the signals your ex is sending you, you’ll see that his “feelings” are just his way of holding onto you for his own comfort.

He’s already dating another woman.

That should give you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and what his “feelings” TRULY are.

Here’s what I want you to do first and foremost….

Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF.

Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions.

Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your ex has done and said to let you know he’s not committed to sharing his love with you.

If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won’t expect….

Your ex-boyfriend won’t have the comfort of two women who both want his affection.

He won’t know that you’re still there waiting for him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation.

Until then….

For your own well-being, it’s important you let him know he can’t keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he’s dating another woman.

HERE’S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:

Never allow men who have “someone else” in their life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you.

It’s wrong on several levels… for you most of all.

When a man can have the affection of two women, and he’s in a place where he’s emotionally non-committed to either, odds are he will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible!

Not all men would do this, but men who are “unavailable”, as it sounds your ex is, can continue multiple initimate situations at once.

You don’t want to date a man that’s in this place in his life….. and I know because I’ve been this guy in my past!

NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel.

You can’t change a man’s emotional depth and where he’s at in his life.

“Getting him back” is a bad idea.

Rarely does this give you what you think you want.

It’s a losing battle, and you’re going to end up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally want and closer and closer to whatever strange and unhealthy situation he’s creating.

If you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then be careful. You’re going against the odds.

You’ll ruin your chances if you think you can “convince” him to come back to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other “gifts” to bribe him.

You should think about the times you’ve broken up and the times you’ve seen that he wasn’t personally ready for a relationship.

Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back.

Use the issues and challenges you had together as a guide or a reminder of what’s keeping you two apart now.

SO HERE’S SOME INFORMATION FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT IN UNDERSTANDING MEN….

You’ve got to learn to understand and identify “EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE” men.

If a man doesn’t know what he wants, he generally doesn’t want what he’s got.

This may sound harsh, but it’s the truth of the situation. Even when this isn’t completely true, it’s a good rule to go by.

A good man who is the right person and wants to be with you will find his own way to his “Emotional Truth”.

If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not be with you, you have to respect that.

This goes back to how you can’t convince a man to want to be with you.

I don’t know the specifics surrounding your off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes.

Especially when it’s combined with him not “knowing what he wants”.

This is CLASSIC man-speak for “I’m not emotionally available and I’m not ready for a real relationship”.

When he can’t get in touch with his feelings and isn’t open to exploring them, it’s a text-book case of unavailability.

I don’t mean that he can’t share feelings or some level of intimacy with you….

Your ex sharing his feelings with you can easily confuse you, and other women in your situation, into thinking the man is potentially the right guy for a long term relationship.

I’m sure you’ve seen this since you’ve been back and forth with him. But when a guy is unavailable, he has a fear of getting deeper into a relationship that he knows he’s not ready for.

In his own way he’s tried to tell you this several times.

Here’s what he’s saying:

Yes, I have “feelings” for you.

And no… that doesn’t mean I want to be in a relationship with you and be faithful.

Take some time to think about the past with you ex, what makes YOU happy, and what kind of relationship you want in your future.

I don’t think he’ll fit well into that based on his actions and behavior. Right now, put more value on his actions, not his words.

Get back to the things that you enjoy, the places you like to go and avoid places or things you used to do or see with your ex.

Spend some time with your friends and give yourself the space you deserve.

The less you talk about your ex and this situation for now, the better off you’ll be.

If there’s just ONE PIECE OF ADVICE that holds more power for women than any other when it comes to men, it’s this concept of only dating emotionally available men.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Dating Advice For Women: Nice Guys vs. Bad Boys?

You’re about to spend the most useful 5 minutes you’ve ever spent on improving your future love life.

Read this….

There’s something I want you to do that I KNOW will improve your natural ability to read into a man’s behavior and his mind.

And learning to do this homework could mean the difference between being

HAPPY & IN-LOVE or LONELY & SINGLE.

Whoa… that’s pretty intense - I’ll tone it down for a sec and give you something to take your mind to off this….

Did you see the final Sex In The City episode where Carrie went to Paris with her lover?

Carrie’s in Paris with her boyfriend and begins to wonder if she made the right decision to move away with this man who, deep down inside, she know’s doesn’t want the same type of life and relationship she does.

As she makes this realization, her ex, “Big”, has flown to Paris from New York looking to reconcile with his lost love after realizing his undying love for Carrie.

And of course, as with all good TV, the two find each other by luck and fate, and Big finally professes his love.

Talk about romantic, intense, suspenseful and full of great drama!

Ok, I thought that might do the trick to warm you back up.

So what does the story of Carrie’s love life have to do with YOUR love life?

More than you might think - but we’ll get to that.

That’s why this week I’m giving you a short homework assignment - and this is what could be the most valuable 5 minutes you’ll ever spend on your love life:

I need you to think about one of the first things I recognized about women way back in junior high - something I still see it today in our “grown-up” dating world.

Why don’t women pick the right guys?

Or even more to the point - why do women pick all the wrong guys?

If you’ve had your heart broken, been cheated on, or find yourself giving everything you’ve got inside, to get little or nothing in return, then you know what I’m talking about.

****Right Now****

Take 5 minutes of time to yourself.

Tune the rest of the world out for just these 5 minutes.

Now, think about each of these questions for a minute or two each:

1. What is it about “bad boys” or men that aren’t “available” that is attractive? And for you?

2. Have you ever dated a guy even though you knew he was a “bad boy” - or found out soon into things?

3. Is there a “nice guy” in your life who would make a great companion but you’re not attracted to or share a “connection” with?

Don’t cheat yourself….

Stop, go back, make sure you take at least 5 minutes of time and think about just these questions….

(Trust me - it’s AMAZING what you can actually learn about the world and yourself if you take a few minutes of silence to think just about ONE THING at a time. It’s maybe the BEST thing I ever started doing for myself!)

I’ll give you some more time….

Ok, so you’ve thought about it. Let’s share our thoughts and compare notes.

*As a quick inside reminder:

This exercise is all about actively improving your ability to know what a good man looks like for YOU and to help you pick ONLY the right men now and in the future.

Picking the wrong men can get you in all kinds of painful trouble it’s hard to get free of.

But for some reason, women don’t want the guys who are probably better relationship and love companions.

I’m not going to give you ALL the answers right now, but I’m going to lead you to finding the answers for yourself - as it’s a much more effective way of learning.

So…. I’m gonna address the last question first about “nice guys”.

A friend of mine sent me an article that was on AOL entitled “What’s Wrong With Nice Guys?”. Here’s a little quote from the article:

“…Do Women Date Naughty Guys but Marry Nice Ones?

This notion sounds an awful lot like the irritating good-girl/bad-girl distinction that men continue to make. Still, it does contain a nugget of sense. Since women truly are conditioned to be “good girls,” sometimes we feel uncomfortable with or guilty about that pure burning “I must have him!” feeling. That’s why we sometimes seek out a bad boy to serve as the object of these desires, says Cleveland psychotherapist Belleruth Naparstek, creator of the Health Journeys series of guided imagery tapes. “In order for the deliciousness of pure lust to be ‘okay,’ it has to be for the symbolic bad boy who has nothing to do with the rest of your life. With him, you can crank up your animal impulses, worry-free,” she says….”

Interesting, huh?

My friend who sent it to me disagrees with the idea that women seek out “bad boys” because they need somewhere to project their guilty lust, and I agree.

I disagree that there’s something “wrong” with the fact that women are attracted to “bad boys”…

My friend also made the point that the “mainstream” psychology and behavior world is starting to accept the idea that women are attracted to “bad boys”.

There’s something to the idea that woman don’t feel that powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for “nice guys” who chase after them, dote on them and kiss up to them.

A woman might LIKE the experience of the “nice guy” doing nice things, but it doesn’t CREATE attraction or a connection with the woman.

Ever.

Trust me, I know men who are the “nice guy” all the time and they get so frustrated trying so hard to please a woman and get her interested.

But it’s like trying to chew bubble gum to solve calculus problems…. It’s hopeless.

And wouldn’t you know it - it works the same way for “nice women”. Being a “nice girl” can’t “convince” a guy to like you just because you do sweet things….

It just doesn’t work like that.

I’ve had women be the “nice girl” with me in the past. There’s two women I can remember from acting overly nice and sweet to try and attract me.

Any attraction that was there started falling away.

THE TRUTH of the matter is - kissing up, convincing and being too “sweet” can kill attraction.

Why?

Our subconscious reacts in ways you often can’t control and aren’t very aware of.

Being too “nice” sends a signal to the “deep” part of the mind that tells you “this person isn’t desirable and is lower status”.

I know, this might sound kind of dark, power-hungry or weird to you, but it’s what happens with us humans.

People don’t value what they can have too easily, whether they admit it or not.

Ultimately, when women are around “nice guys”, they end up unconsciously thinking, “This man isn’t desirable, I shouldn’t date or pursue this guy”.

(Ok, there can be another reason, but I won’t disuss it here but it has to do with people who develop the “nice” persona due to what they feel they personally lack, and thus “nice” people are self-selecting and are actually less confident and less attractive.)

In the nice guys defense - they might actually have something better to offer a woman in terms of what she SAYS she wants (love, trust, companionship, passion), but the women aren’t able to see it - or see it as something they want.

Why?

Women don’t develop a connection to the nice guy and the “connection” is the MAGIC ingredient for attraction with most women.

Which leads us to the “bad boy”!

You might not agree with me, but women DO feel that magical emotion called ATTRACTION for “bad boys”.

Of course, I don’t believe that men have to be jerks, or abuse women in order to make them feel attracted to them.

But women have a deep attraction mechanism that’s triggered by men who behave indifferent, superior, cocky, the list goes of “bad” behavior. You’ve seen it.

“Bad boys” often create inviting and intoxicating forms of drama - often perceived as playfulness, sexuality and fun.

When I first talk to women about the bad boy subject, they jump ALL OVER me and completely disagree.

Then I ask them about some of the relationships they’ve had in the past.

And guess what?

Most women realize in the course of the conversation that they’ve dated men they knew fit the “bad boy” profile.

What makes me laugh is that the realization makes them argue with me even more!

So why do women date and continue on with “bad boys”?

The answer to this question when I ask it to women is almost UNIVERSAL.

“We had a great connection”.

Some women call it “chemistry”.

The magic of a connection with a man can be extremely powerful. Often powerful enough to undo all sorts of reasoning abilities and ways of perceiving things.

Women picking and staying with the wrong men is the single biggest mistake I see women make. It’s the most common reason why the thousands of women I hear from can’t find the love and fulfillment they’re
looking for.

But there’s help….

I talk about these and other concepts in detail in my soon to be published eBook. You can get your hands on a copy of Catch Him And Keep Him at my website at, what really is zero risk. It’s ready right now…

You could learn more in a few hours reading the book than most women will learn in their whole lives about how to meet and attract the right men and what to know to develop an amazing relationship that he won’t ever want to end.

Check out all the details here:

http://www.dating-advice-for-women.net/catchhimandkeephim

As always, best of luck in life and love….

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Tons of women do this one thing.

And it must leave them feeling awful…

I wonder if you do it too?

I’m talking about women who hide their true feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire for a closer relationship and for love.

Ever felt this way?

It’s happens when you won’t communicate directly with a man about your feelings because you think you’ll “scare him away”.

Unfortunately, you’re right… it could scare him away.

The way you talk to a man about a relationship turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKE WITH A MAN.

I’ll come back to this giant mistake in just a quick second…

First, I’d like to talk about what I’ve seen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING story with you.

I’ve had women communicate their feelings with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man.

(and in a larger context, what communicating this way does to any person in general - man or woman)

There’s a pattern to the dating experiences that I’d like to share.

THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS…

(let’s pretend I’m the man in this story and you’re the woman)

You and I meet. We both like each other. (lucky me!)

Feelings develop for us both on several levels.(physically, emotionally, socially)

You try to be “patient” and not express too many feelings and what you want to play it cool.

We have a great “connection”, but we never talk about what we want in our future around dating, a relationship or marriage.

Time goes by and things are great for us.

Eventually, you begin to see that you’re not getting what you want from me in the relationship.

You want more, but you’re scared of talking to me about it because you don’t know where I’m at.

You’re scared because I’ve talked to you about all the bad experiences I’ve had with women in the past.

And sometimes I even make negative remarks about women and their emotions.

You don’t want to ruin the good things we have going and rock the boat, but in the back of your mind you know that you’ll want to deal with the negative emotions that are slowly but surely building in your mind.

Then as I start to see us growing closer, I begin to use my past issues to tell you that I’m not looking for much more than what we have right now.

So you don’t say anything to me directly to communicate what’s going on for you and your feelings.

And of course, being a normal guy, I don’t say anything either. (Of course, I’m a man!)

You become frustrated and confused that I’m not acting how I used to act.

Things begin to change with the way I treat you.

I don’t pay as much attention to you anymore.

I don’t surprise you or bring you flowers anymore.

I’m tired everyday after work and just want to watch tv when I get home.

I call you less frequently.

I don’t initiate sex as much anymore.

You even consider that I could be seeing someone else.

And after a few months - I’ve become distant.

So what happens next?

You decide you’re not happy with where things are and it’s time to have a talk about where we’re at.

But you’re SCARED of expressing your feelings about what you want, so you let things build up inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with me show.

And to wrap the story up…

You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN…

You start a conversation about the relationship and then you “let me have it”!

(you get upset and lose your cool with me)

All your desires, fears, frustrations and dreams that you’ve been holding inside away from me all pour out in one big emotional explosion…

This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively.

Sometimes it’s just extreme intensity, perhaps tears.

It might include:

-Complaining about the current state of the relationship
-Talking about the things he does wrong with you
-Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing
-Becoming upset that he doesn’t feel how you’d like him to feel
-Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments

But it always creates a lot of emotional tension and “drama”. Especially in the guys mind.

This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if you want to get some positive result with him.

That tension that’s created stays with him, and he NEVER forgets it.

In his mind, he now thinks of you as “hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him.

Yep, I know it’s not fair, but it’s the man’s weird and twisted reality…

I’ve heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk about this exact perception of a woman and how they fear being with a woman who they think will make this giant mistake.

Yeah, I know… it’s inmature, selfish and not fair of the man, but it’s the reality of the situation that lots of women end up in with men.

So how do you avoid this….?

I’ll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.

Step 1) You Need To Understand What’s Going On Inside The Mind Of Your Man….

Let me tell it to you straight, as a man…

Women secretly believe that their connection with a man will “naturally” turn into something deeper without any communication taking place.

Kind of like it’s the unspoken truth about what’s going on.

Honestly… this isn’t how it works for us men.

If you’re “assuming” you have a relationship, and that he feels like you do, you’re wrong.

Men don’t assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they’re in a committed relationship.

Some men do, but not most.

For a man to know he’s in a committed relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms.

Yeah, that’s right… You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.

Scary!

But I hear lots of women think that other women are just lucky to have found such a great guy.

And while there are some men who are more equipped and ready for a healthy situation with a woman, it’s NOT luck that women in great relationships have found a way to communicate with their guy.

That’s right, they’ve taken time to find the right information and to learn to integrate a certain way of communicating into their thinking and behavior.

It’s not easy, but there’s help.

Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make “The Big Mistake”

EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first. It’s basic human nature.

But being able to delay your gratification is an AMAZING thing to develop in your life. (in every part of your life!)

Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what THEY think and what THEY want.

The root of this problem basically boils down to needs that are unmet.

So making “The Big Mistake” is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be, without honestly and critically considering the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his commuication skills and where he’s coming from at the same time.

When you do this with a man, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.

And men can read and pick up on women who do this instantly.

I see a form of this “Big Mistake” communication all the time in business by the way.

Some business professionals are the worst at this self-absorbed “need” oriented communication.

Like when someone calls me who wants to get something from me or sell me something and they’re not very experienced or polished at it.

The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda… and it instantly puts me on the defensive.

But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, and not what THEY WANT from me, when they talk it changes the whole situation the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want.

It’s very simple but extremely powerful.

So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with men.

It might sound cliche’, but you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where’s he’s at and where’s he’s coming from.

This cliche’ is a around for a reason.

It works.

Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about.

But you’ve got to be careful to not become the woman who gives him EVERYTHING and gets walked on.

Use your common sense and intuition to safeguard yourself - I know that your female perceptive abilities aren’t used nearly enough, so put these strong tools to good use.

Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake

Let me give you a vital piece of information when dealing with men….

Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying the things that are “obvious” to women in dating and relationships.

I would know. It’s taken me ten years to begin to understand these things for myself - and I spend a LOT of time thinking about it.

Sorry though, I’m “spoken for”… (Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!)

Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you.

So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and participating in conversations about deep emotions and relationships.

Sorry to break the bad news, but it’s almost always up to you to make this communication happen.

It’s important to remember to approach the entire conversation from the perspective of talking about what you want AND what he wants.

If you can make a guy feel like you put his feelings and needs a priority in this conversation, and always consider what he wants, I promise he will LOVE YOU for it!

There’s no rule that says you can’t consider another persons opinions and feelings first in order to get what you want.

In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to let the other person talk first.

When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS have the advantage. You know exactly what the other person wants… and knowledge is influence and power.

I’m not saying you need to take on hard-core negotiating here with a man, but some of the same rules and principles about people and psychology apply.

When you talk to a man from a positive place of listening first, he will be 10,000 times more receptive to what you have to say and what you want once you bring it up than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt, communicate need and projecting fear and anxiety.

Try this instead.

Ask a positive question or give a positive statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that I was happy to be with you.”

It might sound submissive, corny or difficult to say to someone you’re having a tough time with, but think about it…

If you’re going through all the trouble to worry so much about the future with this person, this is already what you’re thinking.