How Do I Get Him Back?

This time I’m sharing a great question from a reader.

It’s a question I get all the time from women that points out a common misunderstanding women have about men.

Reader:

Dear Christian, I’m sorry but I need to ask you a question. I need advice and help. Me and my ex have been together off and on many times, recently we just broke up and now he’s dating someone else. (he doesn’t know what he wants) But I know he still has very big feelings for me and I want advice and help on getting him back. Even though he’s dating someone right now, he still has feelings for me, and I need help on getting him back with me and not with her.

Please help!

Sincerely,
Needy and Hopeless

My Answer:

Thanks for writing, your email has about 147 great things here.

Let’s look at a few of them….

The first important issue is that you’re ignoring all the important signs your ex is giving you.

Please don’t be naive…

If he’s dating someone else, you’ve got to start moving on.

He doesn’t share your feelings of wanting to back together.

If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize that he’s not in the right place in his life to share what you want with him.

This doesn’t mean you should to go out and try to date right now, but you need to take your mind off him.

This is hard for a woman when you still have feelings for him…. but you’re setting yourself up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment.

Yeah, I’ve seen couples get back together like this… but the odds are things don’t look good for this old relationship.

The more you can distance yourself from your ex whose dating another woman, the happier you’ll be.

Trust me.

And I know doing this is tough, but you’ve got to.

You’re also making a lot of assumptions about his feelings when you say “he has very big feelings for me” when you know he’s dating someone else.

Thinking about this only keeps you stuck on him and his feelings.

If you listen to the signals your ex is sending you, you’ll see that his “feelings” are just his way of holding onto you for his own comfort.

He’s already dating another woman.

That should give you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and what his “feelings” TRULY are.

Here’s what I want you to do first and foremost….

Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF.

Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions.

Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your ex has done and said to let you know he’s not committed to sharing his love with you.

If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won’t expect….

Your ex-boyfriend won’t have the comfort of two women who both want his affection.

He won’t know that you’re still there waiting for him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation.

Until then….

For your own well-being, it’s important you let him know he can’t keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he’s dating another woman.

HERE’S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:

Never allow men who have “someone else” in their life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you.

It’s wrong on several levels… for you most of all.

When a man can have the affection of two women, and he’s in a place where he’s emotionally non-committed to either, odds are he will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible!

Not all men would do this, but men who are “unavailable”, as it sounds your ex is, can continue multiple initimate situations at once.

You don’t want to date a man that’s in this place in his life….. and I know because I’ve been this guy in my past!

NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel.

You can’t change a man’s emotional depth and where he’s at in his life.

“Getting him back” is a bad idea.

Rarely does this give you what you think you want.

It’s a losing battle, and you’re going to end up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally want and closer and closer to whatever strange and unhealthy situation he’s creating.

If you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then be careful. You’re going against the odds.

You’ll ruin your chances if you think you can “convince” him to come back to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other “gifts” to bribe him.

You should think about the times you’ve broken up and the times you’ve seen that he wasn’t personally ready for a relationship.

Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back.

Use the issues and challenges you had together as a guide or a reminder of what’s keeping you two apart now.

SO HERE’S SOME INFORMATION FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT IN UNDERSTANDING MEN….

You’ve got to learn to understand and identify “EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE” men.

If a man doesn’t know what he wants, he generally doesn’t want what he’s got.

This may sound harsh, but it’s the truth of the situation. Even when this isn’t completely true, it’s a good rule to go by.

A good man who is the right person and wants to be with you will find his own way to his “Emotional Truth”.

If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not be with you, you have to respect that.

This goes back to how you can’t convince a man to want to be with you.

I don’t know the specifics surrounding your off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes.

Especially when it’s combined with him not “knowing what he wants”.

This is CLASSIC man-speak for “I’m not emotionally available and I’m not ready for a real relationship”.

When he can’t get in touch with his feelings and isn’t open to exploring them, it’s a text-book case of unavailability.

I don’t mean that he can’t share feelings or some level of intimacy with you….

Your ex sharing his feelings with you can easily confuse you, and other women in your situation, into thinking the man is potentially the right guy for a long term relationship.

I’m sure you’ve seen this since you’ve been back and forth with him. But when a guy is unavailable, he has a fear of getting deeper into a relationship that he knows he’s not ready for.

In his own way he’s tried to tell you this several times.

Here’s what he’s saying:

Yes, I have “feelings” for you.

And no… that doesn’t mean I want to be in a relationship with you and be faithful.

Take some time to think about the past with you ex, what makes YOU happy, and what kind of relationship you want in your future.

I don’t think he’ll fit well into that based on his actions and behavior. Right now, put more value on his actions, not his words.

Get back to the things that you enjoy, the places you like to go and avoid places or things you used to do or see with your ex.

Spend some time with your friends and give yourself the space you deserve.

The less you talk about your ex and this situation for now, the better off you’ll be.

If there’s just ONE PIECE OF ADVICE that holds more power for women than any other when it comes to men, it’s this concept of only dating emotionally available men.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter