Entries from August 2006 ↓

Do you want to create unforgettable connections with quality men? Check out Christian Carter's breakthrough new program "Natural and Lasting Attraction" which is transforming women's lives from the inside out - click here to learn more.

Here’s what your man is trying to tell you…

I hope you’re sitting down… because what I’m about to share with you will change how you view men, dating, and relationships.

I’m about to take you “behind the scenes” in the male mind.

I’m going to give you a perspective that most women never see or realize.

Unfortunately for most women, not seeing things the way I’m about to share with you keeps them trapped in patterns of misunderstanding and unfulfilling relationships with men.

If you pay careful attention to what I’m about to share with you, you’re going to start having more success with men right away, whether you’re single and looking for that right guy… or you’re in a relationship and you’d like to start connecting on a deeper level.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT MEN SAY AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

Have you ever heard a man say something like:

“I’m not ready for a serious relationship.”

Or how about this one-

“I want my freedom.”

If you’ve been close in a relationship with a man and he pulled away, then of course you’ve heard this before.

Men say this stuff all the time.

Do you know what a man “really” means when he says these things?

And do you know WHAT TO DO that can instantly change a man’s predictable behavior of WITHDRAWAL or RESISTANCE?

If not, then it’s time you stop listening to what a man will SAY TO YOU about himself and his feelings… and start paying attention to what’s going on inside his heart and mind.

In the past, when I’d hear my friends, other men, and even myself say, “I’m not ready for a serious relationship” I knew that there was something more to it than a just a man who didn’t want a relationship with a woman.

In fact, I found that most of the men who said this quickly ended up in relationships with OTHER WOMEN soon after.

Men I knew well would be telling women they had been dating or in a relationship with that they weren’t ready for all that came with a “real” relationship…

But what did they do as soon as they were single again?

They would start meeting new women, go on dates, and once they found a woman they liked and were very attracted to, they’d spend most of their time with this one woman.

And they would do something else…

They’d stop dating any other women they might have met and move into another relationship, even though they had just ended a relationship with another women they felt strongly for because they didn’t want a “serious relationship”.

It almost didn’t make sense when I first started to recognize this pattern happening other men around me were in.

But keep in mind, even though these things don’t always make sense to women, they make PERFECT sense to the men going through them.

Does this situation with men ever frustrate you or leave you feeling like men have NO CLUE what they’re doing?

Here’s the problem…

When a man says one of these things, he actually MEANS something that is different from what a woman would mean if she said the same words.

Let me explain.

If a woman says “I’m going to stay home and relax today”, she probably means that he’s going to stay home, make sure that her house and life is in order, catch up on chores and bills, and then maybe watch some shows on tv.

If a MAN says that he’s going to stay home and relax, he’s probably going to watch some sports, drink beer, look at pictures of women on the internet, and order take out food.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are reading this right now and you are a woman who watches sports, drinks beer, looks at pictures of women on the internet, and orders take out to relax, then contact me immediately at the email address below.

Ok, enough kidding around.

Back to our topic…

Men are DIFFERENT from women. And the words they use often don’t mean what they SOUND like they mean.

So, the FIRST thing that you have to get through your head is that just because a man SAYS something to you, it doesn’t mean always mean what you THINK it means.

Catch my meaning?

THE BIG SECRET HE ISN’T TELLING YOU

There’s a secret that men never happen to mention about what they want with a woman, why they date, and what it means for them to have a relationship.

Unfortunately, for the good women who are trying to create a great relationship with a man… and hoping that if they try hard enough to make him happy with them so he’ll stay… this little secret is causing a LOT of pain and frustration.

The SECRET is that most men DO want a relationship with an amazing woman.

BUT… (and this is an important insight it might take you a few hours, days, or even weeks to start to understand for yourself)

Men only want a relationship with a woman who already has about 100 other qualities that they never mention and could probably never list or describe even if they were asked to.

And they’ll only end up emotionally involved and not RESISTING a long term relationship if they experience for themselves a woman who proves she has these qualities over time.

In other words, if a man says, “I need to be alone right now”, what he REALLY means is:

I want a woman who will make me FEEL better when I’m with her than I do in my everyday life as a single man.

The REALITY is that when a man says one of these “I want my freedom” statements, he actually has an IDEAL woman in mind who understands who he is and won’t make it feel like “work” when he’s with her.

A man wants a woman who knows how to have and enjoy a relationship… instead of one who spends her time and energy trying to analyze, worry, and “fix” things.

The reality of this situation is that what a man REALLY wants is a woman who makes him feel MORE of the EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL response I like to call ATTRACTION… and LESS of the worry and confusion that men don’t often like or know how to deal with that comes from “working” on a serious relationship.

For most men, feeling and sharing attraction on a physical and emotional level IS the defintion of a good relationship.

Of couse, I’m not just talking about the common “short term” kind of attraction that’s mostly physical…

You already know that a relationship takes a whole lot more than just this kind of thing to work and LAST.

I’m also talking about the more “long term” kind of attraction that comes from a deeper EMOTIONAL connection and understanding.

A man wants a woman who makes him FEEL great both when he’s with her… AND when he’s alone.

In other words, they want a woman who knows how to be loving and affectionate, but independent at the same time.

But most men either can’t describe the things that actually make them feel this kind of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with a woman, or they don’t WANT to have to describe it to a woman, because they want a woman who already IS those things… without having to learn them.

Think about it.

If you were hiring a bodyguard, would you want one that said, “Yeah, I can be a bodyguard. Just give me some time to learn…” or would you want one that already KNEW how to protect and defend anytime, anywhere without having to “learn”?

Duh.

Well, the same goes with men.

They don’t WANT a woman they have to train.

The last thing a man wants to do, or thinks is possible, is to take a woman who DOESN’T “naturally” understand these things, and show her what they are and how they work.

If you don’t already know how to relate to a man in a way that appeals to him and shows him that you “get” all these things, then no amount of “talking things through” or trying to improve things together is going to help you or make him start seeing you as the woman he wants to stay with.

WHAT IS A “COOL GIRL”?

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of a “Cool Girl”.

You hear most men using the term, and some women.

Men everywhere, without ever having talked to each other, share a common idea about women and use the term “Cool Girl” universally.

In some places the actual words are different, but the idea is the same.

But what does it actually MEAN?

And is it important that men all have this common belief about women?

Well, after thinking about this particular topic for a long time, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a VERY important topic.

At this point, I believe that a COOL GIRL is this “ideal” that men imagine when they’re saying “I want my freedom”.

They’re thinking of the COOL GIRL, and then they’re imagining themselves with a woman who is this way.

There are a lot of aspects to this COOL GIRL.

Here are a few that are important:

-Lack of Insecurities
-”Easygoing-ness”
-Humor
-Unpredictability
-Independent
-Emotionally “balanced”

…and the list goes on.

It’s actually not easy to describe a COOL GIRL in a few sentences… but the truth is that a man can recognize one INSTANTLY.

For more on exactly what a COOL GIRL is, how they naturally communicate with men in a way that makes men think, “This is the kind of woman that I can see myself committing and staying with”…

Then check out my “Catch Him & Keep Him” eBook.

Not only does it describe how men think when it comes to dating and why they commit to and stay in relationships with women… but it shows you how to start interacting with men and create a deeper gut-level emotional attraction with a man IMMEDIATELY.

You can download it here and be reading it in just a minute:

http://www.dating-advice-for-women.com/catchhimandkeephim

THE MISTAKE MOST WOMEN MAKE

Now, there’s a common and often irreversible mistake that women make with men when they’re dating and in relationships.

Let me ask you…

If you wanted to get closer to a man, have him see you as a great person, develop a strong connection, and get him to “open up” with you, then it would makes sense to do and say the things that you know work to create more love and affection, right?

This is the first inclination most women have with men - to do the things that THEY think create love and connection.

What if a man did this with you?

What if he decided that you worked the way he did, and so he decided to come up to you and start talking about sex, sports, and quickly get close to you physically?

A man might quickly be drawn in by a woman who did these things (not for all the right reasons, of course), but that doesn’t mean he should be trying them with a woman if he wants any kind of success.

In other words, the things that work FOR YOU as a woman are NOT what work for a MAN.

Thinking this way couldn’t lead to worse results in dating situations and relationships.

But TONS of women use this tactic of what I call “Selfish Love”. They treat a man the way they would want to be treated if they were going to share love and connection with a man.

Another common mistake women make is taking something that a man SAYS that he wants and doing it TOO MUCH, thinking that if “A little bit is good, then more must be better”.

For instance, a man SAYS to you that he likes women who are physical and affectionate”. So you start touching him all the time, grab his hand and hold it everywhere you go, and always stay right next to him.

Then what happens?

He leaves you for his ex-girlfriend after telling you he feels like you’re too “needy”.

Huh? What’s going on here?

This would be kind of like a woman saying, “My favorite food is chocolate” and a man thinking it would be good to feed her chocolate for every meal just because it’s her favorite… or adding chocolate to every single dish he makes for her from now on… and forgetting that 97% of what she eats still needs to be OTHER FOOD.

Let me land the plane for you.

Men don’t MEAN what you THINK they mean when they talk about what they want and don’t want.

And if you take the things men say too literally, you’re going to wind up shooting yourself in the foot.

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN…

So let me “decode” what men “really” mean when they say common things.

Consider this your own personal “male language translator”. Refer to it often.

WHEN A MAN SAYS…

“I don’t want a serious relationship right now.”

WHAT HE REALLY MEANS IS…

“I ONLY WANT A RELATIONSHIP with a woman who already has her act together, is attractive, healthy, independent, easy-going, confident, and who is emotionally in control of herself and her own life. When we’re together I want her to share her feelings and challenge and inspire me to keep her love and interest and be a great man… but I also want her to know how to do this without trying to change me or turning our relationship into MORE WORK and LESS FUN than I can have on my own.”

Does this make sense?

Again, he’s NOT imagining a picture of an overly-emotional, predictable, needy woman who is trying to get him to connect with her and sharing her feelings because she’s so worried about things “working out”.

Big difference.

WHEN A MAN SAYS…

“I want an indepedent woman.”

WHAT HE REALLY MEANS IS…

“I want a woman who doesn’t get upset about petty things and who knows how to keep her head when things get tough or confusing. But I also want her to be in touch with her feelings so that:

1) She doesn’t repress her emotions and end up more frustrated and resentful of me, and
2) When she’s alone and intimate with me, she’s open and “present”… and she’ll share her love and affection freely”

What a man is NOT doing is making a picture of a passive woman who’s entire mood and state of mind is dependent on what she thinks is the state of her relationship and what it means that a man did or said something.

WHEN A WOMAN SAYS:

“I want a guy who’s a good communicator.”

WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS IS…

“I want a guy who doesn’t talk all the time, because he knows how to let me know what’s on his mind without using words. I want the kind of guy that can touch me in a certain way and I feel tingles all over my body. And I want the kind of guy that can say things in a way that I understand… not crudely and man-like.”

WHAT MAKES A MAN FEEL COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY WITH A WOMAN

You might not see this right now, but for most men, there’s nothing more important than knowing that he makes a woman feel great when she’s with him.

Seriously.

Think “ego”.

If you think this truth about men through, you’ll start to have a shift in perspective and see something you’ve probably never seen before.

When a woman comes to a man and wants to talk about something she thinks is wrong in their relationship, often times a man gets upset not because he doesn’t want to listen to the woman or talk…

But because it’s difficult for him to come to terms with the idea that the woman could be unhappy with him.

A man thinks, “It makes me feel like less of a man since I don’t make her happy. If she’s unhappy, then I somewhere inside I must not be good enough.”

Imagine if a man was constantly expressing his feelings about your relationship to you that seemed disappointed and frustrated.

How would it make you feel?

Sure, as a woman you might think to yourself that you’d talk to him about it and try and make things better…

But the reality is that you’d start to have one of 2 things come into your mind either consciously or unconsciously:

1. Something really is wrong with YOU and the way you are in the relationship, and he’s trying to tell you

2. Something is wrong with HIM and how HE thinks and feels that has nothing to do with you, and it’s his own “bad thinking” about HIMSELF that’s making him obsessively unhappy

The reality is, either way, a whole lot MORE DISTANCE is created between you two.

Now, lots of women draw the conclusion that this means you should try and pretend things are ok when they’re not.

That when you’re not having the physical and emotional connection with a man you know is possible, that you can’t communicate how you feel with a man.

WRONG.

My point: If you want to learn how to connect with a man on a deeper level, then what you say isn’t the most IMPORTANT thing.

It’s how and when you say it.

I’ll tell you something -

Learning the secrets of communicating with a man and creating a deep level of Physical and “Emotional Attraction” can be very rewarding.

A lot of women know EXACTLY what it’s like to be in a relationship with a man who has NO INTENTION of committing to something more serious.

In other words, he’s not feeling that powerful gut-level ATTRACTION for you that makes all the fear and excuses for NOT being with you and building a great life and partnership go away without RESISTANCe.

Do you know how to make a man FEEL this way when he’s with you.

Or are you still trying to “CONVINCE” him with words and your own knowledge and “logic” that a close, loving, lasting relationship with him will make him and you happy together?

Well, let me tell you…

Just like all the other things that a man “says” that he wants and doesn’t want with a woman… that most women don’t ever “get”, being the woman a man is NATURALLY ATTRACTED to on a deep level is one of the BIG ONES.

This kind of attraction is THE thing that will make a man who “says” he doesn’t want a serious relationship beg a woman for a real commitment and a future together.

If you understand the secrets of how attraction works for a man, you will notice that men will start to behave VERY differently around you.

Your friend,

Christian Carter

I’d like to tell you a story…

It’s a story that you might find strangely familiar. Don’t be alarmed.

Once upon a time, there was a woman who was very attracted to a particular man.

At first, he was just another attractive man… but the more she got to know him, the more she began to feel attracted to him… and the more time she spent with him, the more that attraction grew into a deep emotional attachment and affection for him.

But there was one problem.

As her emotional attachment grew stronger and stronger, she also grew more and more insecure.

Why?

Because she couldn’t tell whether or not he felt the same way towards her.

Sometimes he would talk to her and say things that led her to believe that they shared a special connection, but nothing ever progressed past the “friendship” stage.

There was an occasional glance, an occasional email or call from him… and a few times, he even opened up about something personal or emotional, and invited her “inside” for a little while.

But something was wrong with the picture.

He just wasn’t acting like a man who was “falling in love”. He was acting like a friend, but at times, even more distant than a friend would be.

And things seemed to be hot and cold. Sometimes he would look at her and talk to her, and sometimes he would ignore her and close himself off.

The insecurity that she felt from all this, became a spiral that amplified itself… and the more insecure she became, the more afraid she grew of #8220;screwing things up” or “scaring him off”, by starting conversations or asking him if he was interested in her and why he didn’t ask her out.

Plus, the more insecure she became, the less time he seemed to want to spend with her.

After spending days and nights obsessing over this guy, the woman finally arrived at the conclusion that if he only knew how SHE FELT, that he would feel the same way.

So she made a bold move.

She TOLD HIM how she felt.

She confessed her feelings and let him know that she wanted to be with him.

He responded by flirting with her and he spent some time alone with her, and they even kissed and held each other.

But soon after, he quickly withdrew, didn’t call her and wasn’t really “available” to her.

This only confused the woman more.

She didn’t know how to take it…

Did it mean that he really loved her too, but that he was afraid of something?

Did it mean that he wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship?

Did it mean that he didn’t love her, and that he was trying to give her a hint?

Did it mean that she hadn’t tried hard enough?

Did it mean that she needed to put everything on the line and REALLY let him know how she felt?

She finally decided that she couldn’t go on like this anymore… she had to be with him.

She had to make sure that he knew just how much she wanted to be with him… so she took a big step, bought him a symbolic gift and wrote him a letter… again confessing her feelings.

And then, something unthinkable happened.

Either he didn’t reply at all… (Ouch!)

Or he replied and she connected with him on an emotional and physical level for a brief time, but then he backed away.

Then she called him a couple of times, the following week before reaching him.

He made an excuse about being very busy and said, “I’ll try to give you a call soon, I have to go”… and hung up… but she never got a call back.

Over the following months, the woman tried desperately to understand what went wrong… and what happened.

THE END…

OK, I’m back.

Now, wasn’t that a sweet story?

Heartwarming, huh?

I know; I should keep my day job, and not take-up writing romance novels…

Now, let’s talk about that story.

That story is basically a MYTH.

But I’m not talking about FICTION here.

I’m talking about a story that rings true for lots of women. A story that is timeless. A story that resonates at a deep level, because you can IDENTIFY with it.

And why does this particular story resonate for some women?

Because lots of women have been there in one way or another… at one time or another… and many have been there OFTEN in their lives.

Another thing that gives this particular story a lot of power, is the powerful negative emotions that it stirs… as a result of the powerful negative experiences that it brings back…

Stories and situations like this one, really FASCINATE me.

They fascinate me, because I see them as an opportunity to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE the puzzles that they represent.

In this particular situation, I think there is a solution.

It lies in understanding a SECRET that lots of WOMEN DON’T GET.

That secret comes down to the reality that if a man isn’t ATTRACTED to a woman, all of her attempts to confess her love, convince him to like her and court her, BACKFIRE.

In other words, they not only DON’T WORK; they actually make things WORSE.

In other words, the very things that a woman does to try to make a man LIKE HER, make him NOT like her.

They make him run.

All of those great intentions and emotional dedication actually cause the woman feeling them, to do things that make the man go away.

It sucks!

But it’s a strangely common dynamic, that also takes place inside dating situations and new relationships without women (or men) really being aware of it, and understanding what’s going on.

And I hope that by explaining the process of how this happens to you, that I’ll help you avoid this painful situation in your own future…

And maybe you can start to understand what’s going on a little better, if you think about what it’s like when a man you’re NOT attracted to, desperately wants your attention, affection and your time.

Have you ever had a guy pursue you?

As he’s trying to get your attention, approval and affection, all of his pleading and effort just seems to bug you more and make you want to get away.

Even if all he’s doing, is telling you great things about yourself and how he feels about you?

Strange and interesting…

Choices And The Paradox Of Attraction

I’m always fascinated by the idea that we humans don’t always understand the message that we’re communicating to others…

So often we think that because we WANT to communicate a message, that others are going to NATURALLY understand what we’re trying to say.

Have you ever seen a woman who dresses over-the-top sexy and wears way to much make-up?

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I don’t think that her appearance is communicating the message to men that she thinks it is”…?

Yeah, I have too.

Well, here’s the deal:

If you do something to “let a man know how you feel” … but he isn’t open to the situation at that time, or he isn’t ATTRACTED to you, then it’s going to backfire.

It’s going to trigger a feeling for the man, that I like to call the “Instant Ewww”.

The “Instant Ewww” is just as powerful as the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION.

Once a man feels it, YOU’RE DONE.

It’s over.

It’s like hammering a RAILROAD SPIKE into the coffin.

Once a man feels the “Instant Ewww”, he’ll start behaving differently.

In short, he’ll back off or even disappear.

So where did I get the concept of the “Instant Ewww”?

I got it from watching WOMEN.

I have actually heard SEVERAL women use the word “Ewww”, when describing how they felt about a guy that was “confessing his love”… and of course, these were guys that weren’t loved in return by the woman.

Men do the same kind of thing with a woman they’re not attracted to.

Often they try to be “nice” about it. They let the attention pump up their ego a bit, and then they create what is often an unconscious barrier in their mind, that closes off communication or contact with her.

And the resulting vacuum sound you hear, is what’s happening as any ATTRACTION and interest he might have felt, evaporates.

So what causes the “Instant Ewww”?

And why would a man feel it, towards a woman who was trying to be nice… a woman who was giving him attention, a gift or telling him how she feels?

Because if you think about it from HIS perspective, you’ll realize that the moment you do something to “confess”, you’ve created a TURNING POINT in the relationship.

Up until that point, you were harmless.

I mean, men know when they are getting some “special attention” from a woman.

And they usually know it from the beginning.

But now that you’ve started pursuing him and talking about how you feel, you’ve created a NEGATIVE TENSION that can be VERY uncomfortable.

You’ve triggered an emotion that can actually repel a man and make him even more detached from his emotions.

Here’s the thing…

You can’t “make a man like you” or “change how he feels about you”, by doing nice things for him.

Doing “nice” things for a man who isn’t attracted to you, HURTS you. It backfires. Worse, it creates the “Instant Ewww” feeling, that makes it so he’ll perhaps NEVER like you.

Men are the worst at this, by the way.

They make this mistake over and over again in life, because they’re doing what MAKES SENSE to them. They’re doing it, because they don’t have an understanding of ATTRACTION.

I mean, if you have a friend and you like them, and you want to make them like you more… and you do some nice things for them, they will probably like you more.

On the other hand…

If you have a man that you “like” in a romantic way, and he doesn’t “feel it” for you, and you do something nice for him, because you want HIM to like you more, it will BACKFIRE… and he will not only NOT like you more, but he will most likely distance himself from you.

Women think that they need to communicate verbally when they like a man… as if that’s part of the necessary process of getting a guy.

In their minds, it goes like this:

Like him > Tell him you like him > He likes you

Well, remember… if you follow this pattern, yourself, with men who aren’t already ATTRACTED to you, then it’s going to BACKFIRE.

If he’s not into you, then it goes like THIS:

He thinks of you as a friend>You tell him you like him>He gets the “Instant Ewwws” and withdraws…

THE ANSWER

There are really TWO answers to this problem.

The first answer, is what to do if you’re in a situation where you like a particular guy, but you don’t know if he likes you back.

DON’T GET HEAVY WITH HIM.

Don’t buy him a big gift, do something nice to show him how much you think about him or write him a love letter…

Don’t send him a note to his work that says, “From your secret admirer”.

Don’t call him several times, without hearing from him.

And DON’T CONFESS YOUR LOVE for him.

If you want to know how he feels about you, do something to ATTRACT HIM and see how he reacts instead of telling him you love him and hearing the crickets chirp as you wait for his response.

As a rule of thumb, don’t get heavier than HIM. Use SIGNALS from him to find out how he feels… and if you don’t know how to read and create those signals, then LEARN.

Asking a man if he’s interested in you in a romantic way, or if you are “his type”, will actually DESTROY the chances that his attraction and interest in you will grow.

Really.

The SECOND answer, is to not get into this particular situation in the FIRST PLACE. Avoid it entirely.

And how does one do that?

One does that by creating ATTRACTION from the beginning.

One does that by understanding the dynamics of how and why men have the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION triggered.

One does that by knowing what you’re doing FROM THE BEGINNING.

And what’s the best way to learn THAT skill?

I thought you’d never ask…

Well, I’ve written about attraction before and I’ll write about it again.

In my eBook, I talk about some of the very best ways to learn how to make man feel ATTRACTION for you.

But above and beyond the meeting and attracting men “stuff”, I also talk about how attraction, communication, psychology and emotions all play into the longer term “stuff” around dating, and creating a solid foundation for a future relationship.

In my eBook, I go deep inside the mind of a man to tell you the secrets and truths that lots of women will never know about.

The eBook is called “Catch Him And Keep Him”.

I’ve spent several years now, studying the ways that women (and men) who are “naturals”, communicate using their words, voice tone and body language.

The way they integrate all these, makes them MAGNETIC to be around. And you probably know what I’m talking about, if you know any women who seem “lucky in love”. Where everything involving men seems to come easily and effortlessly to them.

And I’ll tell you… it’s not magic.

You don’t have to be gorgeous or young.

And you don’t have to be LUCKY.

What you DO have to do is LEARN.

It’s a skill, and I honestly believe that ANY woman can learn it if she wants.

But you’re not likely to figure it out by “trial and error”. Many of the keys to making men feel ATTRACTION and want to be around you for the long-term aren’t “obvious”, at all.

In fact, many of them make no sense… and they’re the LAST thing you’d do in a particular situation, if you didn’t know the SECRETS.

For more about these secrets, go check out my eBook.

It’s jam-packed with insights, concepts, tips and secrets.

Go here to check it out:

Thanks and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter