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Thankyou, for doing this interview Elina. What can you tell me readers about yourself?
I am a relationship expert and the author of over 20 books. I have struggled with commitment phobia all of my life, and finally realized that I had it when my boyfriend of seven years and I broke up. We had never talked, hinted, or even alluded to moving in or getting married in seven long years. At the time, I thought it was great. But looking back, I realized that it was really strange. And yes, you can be commitment phobic and be in long-term relationships, see the “Long-Distance Runner” type. Anyway, after we broke up I became a “ serial dater/player” going from one short lived relationship to the next. I realized then that I had nothing to show for myself and that my fear of commitment was becoming a major problem.
Looking back at my life, I realized that I had never really thought about making a commitment to someone. Sure, the concept was always lodged somewhere in the back of my brain, but it was more like a random after thought than a solid idea. It took many years of introspection, looking at my personal history, and watching myself sabotage every relationship to finally realize that as much as I wanted stability and comfort, I was equally if not more petrified of making a permanent commitment.
What convinced you to right a book on “commit phobic” women?
When I first started think about this problem, I could have easily dismissed my fears as a simple case of relationship ADD or not having met my “soul mate” (whatever that means). But I thought there was more to it. I couldn’t help but suspect that there were many other women who experienced the same ambivalence as I did; the conflict of wanting to be with someone but not at the expense of their personal freedom. I was desperate to find out what was at the bottom of these issues, and that’s when I set off to find more information in order to help myself and the many other women struggling with this fear.
There is no such thing as the “Accidental Single.” If a woman thinks she is a victim in the game of love, hopelessly unlucky, or that men are the cause of all her relationship problems, she is usually mistaken. All of us choose our love lives, whether we know it or not.
There are numerous ways in which we avoid commitment – whether we do things halfway, reject people we care about, conceal our true feelings, or keep one foot out the door at all times to protect ourselves. Looking back on my life, I realize that the fear of seeing something through and committing myself wholeheartedly was more about my fear of failure than anything else; because if I didn’t put all of myself into something then I couldn’t be blamed for when it didn’t work out. And that, of course, was a sure fire guarantee that nothing ever did.
What are the top signs women are commitment phobic?
Once the excitement of first romance has passed, you get bored in most of your relationships.
- You have a habit of dating “unavailable” men (married, involved with someone else, geographically or emotionally distant, etc.).
- You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
- You go from one short-lived relationship to the next.
- You back out of plans at the last minute and/or have trouble setting a time for dates.
- You often stay in relationships that are rocky and offer little to no hope of commitment.
- You consider you married friends’ relationships boring and feel that many of them have settled.
- You tend to feel “smothered” in a relationship.
- You cultivate larger networks of friends and acquaintances, at the expense of single romantic relationships.
- You have a lot of relationship trauma in your past.
- You have a habit of avoiding conversations about marriage and the future with the people you date.
- You date more than one man at a time to prevent becoming dependant.
- You have a tendency to pick fights and criticize your partners.
- You have a difficult time getting over past boyfriends.
- You prefer hook ups and friends with benefits scenarios to relationships.
- Your career is very important to you and you often choose work over relationships.
- You are constantly blowing “hot” and “cold” in your relationships.
Can you give an insight into one of the characters from your book? Perhaps ‘The Player’
When it comes to women, there isn’t just one type of commitment phobe.Commitment phobia can manifest itself in a variety of different ways, which is why I have organized the types into seven basic types — the Nit-Picker, Serial Dater, Tinkerbell, Free Sprit, Damsel in Distress, Player, and Long-Distance Runner.
Now for “The Players.” Commonly known as “man eaters,” players are always hungry for new sexual experiences, go through one guy after another, and collect notches on their Prada belts like sailors on bar stools. The player usually goes after a guy, sleeps with him, and then dismisses him before he’s had the chance to prove himself — or even cook breakfast for that matter. While some women can’t seem to separate love and sex, players are all too slick in this department and can neatly compartmentalize their urges like most women do their makeup drawers. Many of them are addicted to the highs of bedding a new man every night, and make no apologies for their behavior. While no one would begrudge the player a little bit of fun, one has to wonder what she is avoiding. Many players have difficulties relating to men, and feel that they can better control relationships that are based solely on sex. The question they have to ask themselves is: What’s really behind the tough, horny girl bravado? Are they really into sex or are they using it as a way to avoid commitment?
Why do most women end up “commitment phobes”?
There are many factors contributing to this – including delayed motherhood, increased financial independence, decrease in single stigma, and high rate of divorce have all made women a little gun shy. Also, our culture tells women to look outside themselves for relationship answers and point the finger at men. Instead, women need to take a long hard look at themselves and stop allowing fear to sabotage their love lives. Women have become afraid of the very thing they sometimes want most.
What is one of the solutions for these women?
Many women confuse “settling down” with “settling.” But there’s no such things as the Perfect Guy. So when they do find someone and he has flaws, they think that they’re settling when in fact they’re realizing that compromise is necessary in any relationship. Also, here is some other advice:
Don’t Always Trust Your Gut – It’s hard to discern between gut reaction and commitment anxiety.
Be Wary Of Commitment Saboteurs – Single friends often have a stake in keeping you single (who will they go out on the town with?) and even parents who might be scared of losing you might send signals that you shouldn’t commit. But your love life is not a free for all democracy. Make your own decisions.
Stop Overanalyzing – If you’re 80 percent certain, that may be as good as it gets.
Don’t Panic – Feeling cold feet or fear about commitment is very normal.
How are single women taking “Kiss and Run”?
The reaction has been extremely positive. Some women are really aware of their issues and are releived to find a book that validates their issues. Other women start in denial mode and then read the signs and discover they are commitment phobic. It’s amazing to see the thought process evolve. And guys have been really positive, too, since many have had to cope with their share of CP girlfriends and now have an explanation am for why things went wrong. It’s been really rewarding hearing all the positive feedback.
To order “Kiss and Run”, check out prices here.
For more dating advice for women, check out Christian Carter.
Here’s a crazy but fascinating idea I want to share with you…
Why are some women naturally attractive to men and make the guy want to stay around them no matter what they do. Even when they act bitchy, hard to deal with, etc…
While other women, no matter how great of a person they are, just can’t seem to attract good men and find great relationships?
No matter how hard they try.
Why is this?
No… It’s NOT that the naturally attractive ones have all the good looks and it gives them an advantage over other women.
There are great looking women who fall into both categories - women who are naturally attractive and interest men long term, and those who just can’t seem to keep a good thing going with a man no matter how hard they try.
Sure, it doesn’t hurt to look good. But the reality is that looks are just one way to attract a man… not the best.
If you think that the attraction a man feels for a woman is all about her looks, think again.
You’re mistaking one thing for another.
Sure, it happens all the time that men see women who are very attractive and become interested.
But looks are NOT what drives things any farther than the “caveman response” for men.
I call it the “caveman response” where a guy sees a woman he finds physically appealing and wants to be with her JUST for that reason.
Then he acts on those feelings and gets involved with the woman without really thinking any farther ahead than his desire to be with her physically.
Men are idiots sometimes. And sometimes we just don’t think about what we’re doing.
So I’ll go out on a limb here and guess that this isn’t what you’re looking for, right?
You don’t want to date a caveman.
Good. So let’s put the idea that looks are really important out of your mind.
Looks really only work to get a man physically interested or entice him to approach you, but they have little to do with WHY a man ends up with a women in a loving and committed relationship.
You might think I’m crazy after everything you’ve seen and done in your love life, but it’s true.
THE SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIOR OF LIMITING YOUR SUCCESS WITH MEN TO ONLY PHYSICAL ATTRACTION
I’ve noticed something common going on with lots of women who are physically attractive.
Things often come easy to them, especially when it comes to meeting men.
No big discovery there.
But here’s the thing I find fascinating…
The women I know who are physically attractive usually have a HARDER time finding a good guy to settle down with than women I know who don’t have men oogling over them all the time.
In other words, the women I know who aren’t approached by men as often are usually better at identifying good men from bad men.
And they’re better at creating the right environment and situation for a future relationship.
What’s going on here?
It seems kind of backwards.
I’ve been thinking more about this lately and I’ve started to recognize a pattern.
For women who are physically attractive, in a strange way, being attractive becomes the very thing that holds them back from learning how to create the kind of attraction that goes beyond just how good they look to a man.
Let me explain…
Some women are used to getting a man initially interested by triggering what I call his “caveman response”, so they think that this is what works.
Short term, yes, this does work.
If you’re just interested in a one-night stand, then feel free to use your looks, sexuality, etc. to attract a man.
Sure, if you pique a man’s physical interest, it’s a relatively easy way to go about it.
Men, as the predictable animals they often are, usually respond to this on some level.
But here’s the tricky part about lots of men… the kind you’d actually want as a boyfriend or something.
When a man responds to physical attraction, it can lead women into thinking that they’re going about getting close to him in a way that means that there’s a future in it with him.
But then it happens…
The guy ends up saying something like, “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now” or “things are getting too serious.”
And instead of falling in love, the guy doesn’t develop any real or deep connection with the woman and doesn’t have a growing desire to be with her in the future.
And here’s what usually happens next-
Tension and trouble starts to build as the it becomes more painful for the woman that she’s shared herself with the man and feels emotionally open to him, but he’s not reciprocating.
And in the woman’s mind, this can be painful and frustrating.
Instead of recognizing that a strong dynamic was set in motion by attracting a man with the “caveman stuff”, the woman thinks that there’s something wrong with the man.
So she goes about trying to fix him or convince him that he should feel or act differently with her.
And here’s where women get a dangerous false belief…
That the connection with the man that was created from the physical attraction meant something else more serious for the man.
Physical attraction alone will NOT make lots of men interested in something more serious, loving or long-term.
But lots of women think that the physical attraction will magically turn the caveman to thoughts of love, nurturing and the future. The thing is… attraction, feelings, and emotions don’t make logical sense, and most men just don’t work this way when it comes to ATTRACTION and LOVE.
So you can’t talk “sense” into a man and expect him to be connected and emotionally engaged the way you as a woman might be from the start, just because there’s a lot of physical attraction and chemistry there.
It’s a losing battle.
But lots of women still try and fight this losing battle by arguing and telling the man that he’s wrong to feel how he feels.
Unfortunately, going about it this way only makes things worse.
Telling a man how he should feel doesn’t work.
Actually, it 1,000 times more likely to push him away or make him withdraw the way men often do.
“INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION” AND WHAT TO DO INSTEAD…
Physical attraction will only get you so far with a man - like just getting physical with him.
For lots of women, this is the easy part.
But what about everything else beyond the physical?
What about the emotional connection, the commitment and the longer term bonding?
What about LOVE?
What can a woman do with a man to take things beyond the more basic physical attraction and start to create situation with more of these long term things?
There is a way to actually have HIM thinking about how to have a more closely connected future with you… and even talking to you about COMMITMENT.
Imagine that.
Well, action speaks louder than words with men when it comes to these things.
First off, all men have a bit of caveman in them. Some more than others.
With men, there’s another area that some women know how to naturally attract and connect to.
And it’s not the “inner cave-dude”.
The women who are naturally attractive, who men seem to just fall for, know exactly how to tap into this other area of a man’s mind that makes him instantly more “available” and interested in something more serious.
I call connecting to this other area of a man “Intellectual Attraction”.
And if from the beginning, a woman triggers both physical and “Intellectual” attraction in a man, then going from “Hello” to “I do” can be 100 times simpler and relatively stress free.
But if you’re one of those women who likes to use your good looks or sexuality to get involved with men, or to get quick and easy attention because it feels good to you, then I’ve got some bad news for you…
Just being good looking or seducing men with sexuality isn’t going to cut it long term with any guy who has his act together.
Unless you’re the luckiest of lucky people on earth and you find the rarest of all rare animals - a man who knows what he wants, knows that he wants it with YOU, and is READY for it now.
In that case, you can let him do most of the work and enjoy every minute knowing that everything will work out.
But this isn’t how it is for 99% of women.
There’s got to be “intellectual attraction” along with physical attraction if you want to catch a man, keep him, and avoid all the painful and dangerous trouble spots along the way.
If you don’t know how to attract a man, other than using your sexuality or your looks, then two BAD things are likely to happen:
1. You’ll attract men who are just looking for another pretty face to be with. A “player”.
2. The player will move on to the next pretty face once the novelty of the physical attraction starts to wear off.
I know it SUCKS!
Men can be shallow and heartless.
How does it make sense that a man could be with a woman but not involve much of his heart or feelings?
But this is the frustrating and unfortunate truth LOTS of women out there experience.
And it’s obvious that these kinds of situations don’t happen because women don’t have more to offer.
But men aren’t as emotionally connected with their hearts, minds and bodies like most women.
Physical attraction is the thing that they end up paying the most attention to.
Some men just don’t know much about how to experience love with a woman and open up.
So they get themselves into situations where they hurt women because their heart and mind just weren’t as involved in connecting with a woman as their bodies were.
LEARNING ABOUT INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION… AND AVOIDING THE “DOING WHAT MAKES SENSE” COURTSHIP BEHAVIOR
Here’s good news and a fascinating idea to think about…
For the rest of us in the world who aren’t supermodels, what you know about good looks represents something amazing that some women just don’t get.
You DON’T have to be rich, famous or on the cover of Vogue to attract a man.
But….
You DO have to learn about ATTRACTION and how it works.
And that’s where most women fall painfully short.
Learning what naturally attracts a man could mean the difference between easily connecting with the guy you’re into and taking things to the “next level” quickly and smoothly…
Or getting stuck in that frustrating and lonely love “slump” where you just can’t find any guy you connect with and all the guys you seem to find end up to be nightmares.
Don’t you hate that slump? It can be pretty lonely.
I’ve seen lots of women in this stage of their love life. And inevitably at some point when the frustration of not having the joy and fulfillment of a great partner in their life starts hits the hardest, they go to a pretty negative and pessimistic place.
They say things like, “What’s wrong with men?”
Or they start to believe deep down that there’s something wrong with every man in the world and that they’ll never find the guy for them.
Tough place to be, huh?
Know any women in that place?
Ever been there yourself?
I’m asking because it has a huge affect on everything a woman does around men.
This attitude is like attraction repellent to a man.
And even if you don’t say much, a man can sense this attitude in the way you hold yourself, your tone of voice, how you interact with other men, what you do in your social life, etc.
So then what is naturally attractive to men if it’s not about looks and just being nice and sweet?
Well, I’m glad you asked.
Let me tell you some FASCINATING things about men…
Just like women do, men need to find a way to identify a good potential partner from all the other women out there and all the women he already knows.
So when he a man sees a woman do something that he recognizes as predictable or boring that most women do, it’s like she instantly becomes every other woman he knows that he’s not interested in.
It’s an almost instant and unconscious thing that happens in the man’s mind, and she becomes “just another woman”.
And there’s neither physical or intellectual attraction going on here.
These kinds of attraction come from less predictable behaviors, especially if they’re done or communicated in a way that says that you see yourself as equal or higher STATUS as a man.
You might be asking, “Why does it have to be so complicated with men?”
Well, if it’s any consolation, it’s NO DIFFERENT for men with women.
In fact, that’s where I first started seeing this fascinating process of people using what I call the “doing what makes sense” courtship behavior.
I kept seeing men trying to convince women to like them and having terrible outcomes, even though what they were doing made total sense to them.
Ever had a guy you didn’t really like buy you gifts and flowers and call you all the time?
These are nice predictable things to do, but they sure didn’t change how you FELT, right?
I’ve watched some men shower women with gifts and attention from the start, call them every day and share all of their deepest feelings of love.
And even though the guy was being generous, loving, caring, etc. instead of making the woman attracted and interested in him, it actually worked like “woman-repellent”.
The predictable and boring things the guys did, even though they were being generous and loving, just didn’t work.
It’s kind of a freak show really.
But doing these things makes “sense”, right?
I mean, it makes sense that we should tell someone when we’re interested in them if that’s how we feel, right?
And if we like them, then we should be generous and do nice things for them, right?
Well - yes and no.
Yes, do these things that make “sense” if you want to stifle the attraction that a man could be feeling for you and break that magic “tension” going on between you two at the start.
And no, don’t do what makes sense if you want to find a better way and use the opportunity of the physical attraction that’s going on to actually AMPLIFY the level of attraction the man feels for you.
I know, I know. It doesn’t make sense to us and we’re taught that communicating our feelings is always the healthiest and best thing to do.
I get it. And to do anything else would be “playing games”, right?
But if you’re like lots of women I know, then for one reason or another, when you’ve shared those deep feelings for a man early on, and you’ve asked him to reciprocate your feelings, it seems to have had the exact OPPOSITE effect.
The guy seemed to withdraw, he isn’t as affectionate, he avoids seeing you as much, etc.
In my eBook, I talk in detail about how to trigger more physical AND intellectual attraction in a man - without being one of those manipulative game-players and without feeling like you’re the one doing all “the work”.
I mean, who wants to feel like they’re doing all kinds of things just to get a man’s attention!?
And why should a woman do all the worrying and the work?
Well, you don’t have to try so hard… IF you learn the simple and “natural” ways to attract a man and get close to him.
Then you’ll be triggering the attraction responses in a man that will have him more involved, available, and he’ll start pursuing YOU.
And you’ll get to avoid the difficult place of feeling stuck with an unavailable or non-committal guy.
He’ll be the one chasing you - which I know is a better place to be… and lot more fun too.
Inside my eBook I talk about how men view women and relationships, and how you can learn to use more of the “Intellectual Attraction” to get a man wanting to get closer to you… instead of YOU trying to do all the “heavy-lifting”.
I describe in detail how to build an irresistible level of attraction using your communication, your body language and your “non-verbal” communication.
All these together will send strong but subtle psychological “cues” to a man, and it will consciously and subconsciously work to peak a man’s interest in being with you now and well into the future.
Go here to check out the details:
http://www.dating-advice-for-women.net/catchhimandkeephim
Thanks for reading, and I’ll talk to you next time.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
