Have you ever become frustrated wondering when to become “physical” and intimate with a new man in your life?

You don’t want to move too fast, and you don’t want to move too slow… but no matter what you decide, it often feels like you made the wrong choice and things are going to get off track.

If you’re like TONS of women I’ve met and talked to, you’ve thought or worried about this.

Get ready to learn when and why you should become physical with a man and consider sex.

If you’re interested in a future relationship, and not just a fling with a man… then how you approach, talk about, and become physical with him can mean the difference between him feeling and acting emotionally “engaged” with you (to where he is asking YOU to commit) or being distant and uncertain about everything.

If you keep reading, you’re going to learn…

The mistakes that most women make when it comes to sex and getting physical with men that leaves them feeling unappreciated and afraid.

WHY this happens.

WHAT it means.

And HOW to go about changing the situation, even if you’ve already slept with a man and you’re worried because you’re not in a committed relationship… and so that when a man says he’s going to call, he means it and won’t be able to wait to see you again.

Here we go…

“I first want to start off by thanking you. I read your book front to cover in three days and it may just be the most powerful and inspirational tool I have ever encountered! You truly opened up my eyes to a completely new way of dealing with men and helped me see what it was that I was doing wrong”

So to my question…

In your book, you talk about how it is much better to make a man that you really care about, wait for sex. In the long run, men enjoy the chase and even though most people LOVE sex, its best not to rush into an intimate relationship too soon… and plus, it keeps them guessing and more in tune to YOU and not the physical relationship.

Ok, with that said and understood, I unfortunately slept with the “object of my affection” before I read that part of the book. It was entirely too soon… basically the result of a very intoxicated evening. We both agreed to take things slow with this relationship and then I totally contradicted myself and slept with him. He has recently backed off a little bit. I can still tell he’s interested, but i think that “premature sex” has him thinking a little bit about where this is really going and why, after I said we should take things slow, did we inevitably end up having sex.

So ultimately I need your opinion. Once you have had sex too soon, is this a “point of no return” for the relationship? Is it doomed to not happen? I have thought about it a lot and even though the sex was great and I would do it again if the opportunity presented itself, I think it’s best for me to tell him that we had sex too soon and that I want to back off and slow down a bit. Not that it wont ever happen again, but right now its
just too soon. Do you think I will get a positive reaction by doing that? Even though it isn’t really what I want (b/c I like sex), I know its what’s best right now. Will he respect me more if I tell him that? I want to apologize to him as well… for confusing things and contradicting the foundation that we BOTH originally laid. I was the one that initiated the sex, not him.

What do you think? Or is this relationship just totally doomed at this point?

Looking forward to your response.”

– C.

Ok, let me get this straight.

You want to apologize for having sex with him!?

Lol! Sorry, but I have to have call you out since I think a shift in your mind set could do you some good personally and in your situation.

You should be telling him how LUCKY he is, not apologizing to him.

I guess he must be some kind of all powerful and deserving God, right?

For crying out loud! He’s just a man.

Don’t worry so much. Worrying is probably starting to become your actual problem.

Now that we’ve given you some tough love, let’s get down to brass tacks.

I’m glad you asked this question and layed it all out there because I get similar questions from women all the time when they’ve been “physical” with a man early on… and now they’re scared that they might have ruined things and any hope for a real relationship to start.

Let me break it down for you when it comes to men and relationships in regards to sex.

Before I get into exactly what’s going on in a man’s mind, I have to say that what you choose to do with your body and sexuality is a beautiful and private thing, so I’d never pretend to know what you should or shouldn’t do as a woman.

Every woman has her own personal boundaries and beliefs when it comes to love and sex.

But what I am going to talk about is how sex and being physical with a woman plays out in most men’s minds, how this relates to love and relationships, and what you can do about it.

THE BIG MISTAKE WOMEN MAKE WHEN IT COMES TO DATING, SEX, AND BECOMING COMMITTED WITH A MAN

Here’s the first and probably the biggest mistake that most women make when it comes to sex – thinking that the chemistry, connection, physical intimacy, and SEX that they have with a man are what is going to make him want to commit.

Let me explain…

You’ve asked a question that basically states that you are worried that since you had sex with a man, he’s not going to want to commit to you anymore.

That’s not how it works.

There is no “point of no return” when you have sex with a man where it becomes too late to turn things into a great committed relationship.

It’s HOW YOU GO ABOUT becoming committed that’s going to make all the difference here.

The most common mistake I see women make with sex happens because they’re not sure what “stage” their relationship is in, or where the guy they are with is at in his heart and mind, so they use physical intimacy or sex to try and push things along.

Yes this makes a man more “interested” in you in the moment.

And NO, it doesn’t make him want a relationship.

Of course lots of women expect physical intimacy or sex to bring their relationship together anyway – even though they know inside that sex isn’t what really bonds a man to a woman.

And when their efforts to use sex don’t work like the magic that they would hope, they become embarrassed, ashamed, or frustrated that they shared themselves and didn’t get back what they thought they should.

And it’s here that they say things to a man such as,

“I never do this so quickly with men.”

Or…

“This was a mistake.”

Or…

“I swear I’m not like this.”

All the while the guilt, the worry, and the fear you’re feeling is visible just looking at you.

If you think about how a man sees this, it doesn’t make it better and convince him to think or feel what you might want him to feel.

Instead it shows a high level of stress and self-consciousness that’s often mistaken as “neediness” by men.

And it’s here that most women start to panic even more and start doing all kinds of things to compensate, hide their fear, and hold on even tighter to a man for fear of losing him.

Of course, all of these things are completely COUNTERPRODUCTIVE and actually make a man start to feel and do the thing that most women fear-

WITHDRAWAL.

And don’t forget the various forms of RESISTANCE to becoming closer, like thinking or talking about your feelings and a relationship that come up as well.

Next thing you know, the door seems to have shut as quickly as it opened with a man, all because you decided to share yourself with him.

But now you don’t even know how to get back to where you started.

There’s a reason why a man commits to one good woman and not another. And it often has to do with whether or not a woman understands how and when commitment works for him… and what it REALLY is that makes him want to commit.

(Hint – it’s NOT the same things that let you know that you’d like to commit to a man, and it doesn’t happen in the same order and “tempo” as it does for most women)

You know the old saying about how you teach people how to treat you?

When you’re a woman moving towards a new relationship with a man, this couldn’t be more important.

Sex is one of the ways that you help set certain “standards” with a man in your relationship.

Of course, I don’t mean that you should use sex as a bartering tool or as a “weapon” to get what you want.

That’s a whole different thing.

What I mean is that letting a man know that you respect yourself, and know what could be a great relationship between you two (enough to wait and see if it comes together before you dive in to the relationship) will help you AND him.

Here’s how.

It’s great that you are in touch with your sexuality and that you can enjoy yourself.

But I can tell from what you’re saying and feeling that even if you try to deny it, by having sex you’re going to run headlong into “relationship mode”.

Being in relationship mode isn’t the problem for you.

The problem comes when you realize that you are NOT in a relationship.

But physically, emotionally, and mentally you’ve already “gone there”.

I think you know where I’m going with this.

You know that when you’re in this situation, you’re not going to be your “best self”.

In fact, your probably going to be anxious, uncertain, worried, etc. and bring a lot of negative things to the great connection you guys are having right now, and you’re VERY, VERY likely to change the entire way that you guys are interacting and sabotage things for yourself.

This isn’t going to serve you OR him.

Following me here?

Good.

It’s not that having sex before a relationship means that you’ve ruined hopes for more…

It’s that sex doesn’t mean your going to grow into more with a man, even though you’re going to be committing a part of yourself to something that isn’t “there” yet… and you’re going to feel in ways that are going to make you actually STOP DOING the things that ARE WORKING to bring your relationship closer.

Now, I want to point out something else that’s very important…

You’re mistaking one thing for another in thinking that you’ve made a mistake by sleeping with a man who finds you very attractive.

Yes, by NOT having sex with a man, you make him more likely to look at you on a personal and emotional level, and connect with you this way.

Which can have a more lasting “bonding” effect when it comes to creating a lasting relationship.

But that DOESN’T mean that by having sex you “take away” the thing that’s going to make a man want to commit to you.

Men don’t truly commit to real relationships because they want sex and are willing to commit to get it.

Actually, I’d argue that lots of men stay away from commitments with women if they are looking for more sex in their lives.

Strange and interesting to look at it this way huh?

I know. I know. We men are strange animals sometimes.

Anyway… the reason men commit is because they want sex, but more importantly, because they FEEL so amazing around one woman, and find a deeper level of connection, respect, and affection for a woman that goes BEYOND just PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.

In other words, if you have sex with a man before you are committed, it doesn’t mean that you’ve lost your one “bargaining chip”.

Although I think it feels this ways for lots of women after they are physical with a man and then they start to see that he isn’t committed to them.

Here’s what you need to understand.

Making a man wait for sex can GREATLY INCREASE the odds of him staying around to figure out if he wants to have a real relationship with you…and get to know you on a deeper level. (And thus share more of himself in the process and become more emotionally “invested” on his own)

But making a man wait for sex isn’t going to make him want to commit on it’s own.

There are LOTS of couples out there who start off with a first night of intense passion… and their relationships start off with a bang and are the better for it.

If you sleep with a man and you are not committed, you haven’t made a “mistake”.

Instead you’ve got to understand that for most men, having sex with a woman doesn’t mean that he’s “ready” or passively/indirectly committing.

TONS of women make the mistake of thinking that if a man sleeps with them, that he’s subtly “agreeing” to a monogamous and committed relationship by default.

When you do this as a woman with a man, and then the signs start to show up after sex that indicate he’s NOT COMMITTED, it’s then that it seems like you’ve done something wrong.

And it’s then that you start to feel more and more vulnerable, as you’ve given or shared yourself with a man, and he hasn’t seemed to recognize or appreciate that gift in the way you would have hoped he would.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love!

Christian Carter