- Attracting Men
- Keeping Men Around
- Understanding Men
- Common Dating Problems
- Christian CarterChristian Carter at a Seminar Christian Carter is the author of the best-selling book Catch Him and Keep Him. Christian Carter, is a leading advisor to women on the subjects of dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Christian Carter’s theories of “Emotional Attraction”, “The Danger of a Connection”, and “The Relationship Balance” teach women how to create truly lasting attraction with a man and show them how to move effortlessly into a deeper, open, and more loving relationship all the while avoiding resistance, withdrawal or rejection. Christian Carter’s book, live seminars, and audio/video programs have helped thousands of women create amazing love-lives, overcome their fears and negative beliefs, and become more fulfilled in their relationships with men. (and all their relationships). Christian Carter Video Receive Christian Carter’s exclusive free dating advice email newsletter, at his website. After years of research into the dating habits of men, he decided to write a reference guide for women who are looking for understanding and power in her dating and relationships. Christian Carter eliminates the confusion that the majority of women feel when they…
- Catch Him And Keep HimCatch Him and Keep Him is guru Christian Carter‘s first book for women to improve their dating and relationships. Catch Him and Keep Him delves into the male mind and how it reacts when it’s involved with the dating world. It’s an inside look into how men think, from the perspective of a guy who’s been there – and done that. I find the masculinity of the book refreshing. This isn’t written by a counselor or a gay guy friend of yours: Christian Carter is very much in touch with his masculinity, and he doesn’t pull punches. He tells you what guys are really thinking and doing: the bare bald facts that most of us women don’t want to hear. In our hearts, I think many of us wish that men could be more like women. We wish that men could enjoy talking about their feelings more, could give up their addictions to gadgets and start getting hooked on having a family, kids, and even enjoy shopping with us more than just at Christmas time. According to Christian Carter, that sort of thinking has to stop. Men live in a different reality, and it is our job as women to…
Why Men Don’t Call Back
Get ready to learn why most men don’t call women back, even when they seem interested and say they’re going to.
If you keep reading, you’re going to learn…
WHY this happens.
WHAT it means.
And HOW to go about changing the situation so that when a man says he’s going to call, he means it and won’t be able to wait to see you again.
Here we go…
This week I wanted to share an email I got from a reader that’s exactly about this “we had a great conversation, he got my number, but then he never called me back” scenario.
Check it out and learn where she went wrong, what in the world is going on with men like this, and what to do about it…
I have been reading your newsletters and getting really good insights. Especially what you’ve said about being unpredictable.
I have a question for you that you might have gotten before a thousand times and if you give me a practical answer on how to deal with it, you’re a genius and you’ll officially become my guru forever!
Why do men not call when they say they’re going to? And most importantly, is there any way to avoid this? Or is there any kind of teaser, or challenge I can throw into the conversation, when
he says he’s going to call, so it can cause him to really call?
It has happened twice with me in the past week with two different guys I was interested in
The first one said he was going to call so we could go out and talk about his itinerary to Europe.
The second one said he was going to call about a whether he’d be in town (a nearby town) so I could go visit.
I feel so frustrated! How can I avoid being in these situations and feeling like such a loser? Should I just not accept that he tells me he’s going to call? Like just make an excuse so I have
to call back myself? Of course I’d do that without letting him realize that I’m actually unsure he’s going to call.
I guess this is another typical thing of guys (especially where I live) Let’s see if you have a great theory on this one as well – one that works!!!
Let’s get right to it.
Why do men not call when they say they’re going to?
Let’s go over the possible reasons for this, as I know how men’s minds’ often work.
There’s a lot to learn from each, so let’s see which ones ring true for you…
And while you’re reading each of these, see if you can figure out what each one of these situations has in common.
Why Men Don’t Call: Situation #1
Some men are too immature to be honest and straight forward with a woman
Sometimes men are just being dumb and giving themselves ego strokes by flirting with you, even though they never really thought they’d call.
But they get your number anyway to feel good and to have it “just in case” they got some random urge or reason to call you in the future.
Plus, getting a woman’s number is a kind of “trophy” to show to other immature men.
Why Men Don’t Call: Situation #2
They were just looking for a hook-up and you weren’t “fling” material (which is a good thing, unless that’s all you’re looking for).
Often times men think they just want a woman to be “physical” with.
If you’re out at a club or a bar and you meet a man, often times he’ll have “hooking up” on his mind.
If you meet a guy like this and, in his eyes, you’re the girl he’d bring home to mom, then you might not be the girl he’ll want to spend his time with… at least for the near future.
But in spite of this, he takes your number, in case he gets the crazy foreign idea in his head that he’d actually want a great girl for a real relationship.
And guess what?
He doesn’t come to that realization for a very long time – so he doesn’t call.
I’m not saying it makes sense, but that’s how some men operate.
And in a strange way, men who do this are doing you a favor at that time in their life.
The timing wasn’t right.
Why Men Don’t Call: Situation #3
They thought they were being “polite” by getting your number, even though they never felt like calling
Have you ever given your number to a man who asked for it, meanwhile you were already dreading his call and wishing inside that you had given him a fake number?
And I know it sucks to think about this, but have you ever thought that the tables could be turned?
See… if men enjoy their conversations with you but aren’t that interested, they sometimes feel a polite “obligation” to get your number.
It’s a kind of way to end the interaction on a positive note… even though they never really thought about if they intended to call you.
I know it sucks, but men aren’t often up front and assertive either when it comes to the opposite sex.
Why Men Don’t Call: Situation #4
They were interested in you at first, but after a little while they started to feel like something was “off”… maybe even after they got your number.
And while you were trying so hard to create random reasons for you to see each other again and to not have a guy get your number and not call again, they could sense your subtle fear and discomfort.
Why Men Don’t Call: Situation #5
They lost your number or forgot to call.
Ok, now let me ask you…
Did you figure out what each of these situations has in common?
I’ll give you a hint:
It has something to do with your feelings.
There are 2 things actually.
First off, none of them have ANYTHING to do with you being a “loser”, like you mentioned.
See, the fascinating thing is that in each of these situations, it’s YOUR CHOICE to make the MEANING out of them that you want.
Unfortunately, it seems like the meaning you’ve chosen to make has been NEGATIVE.
In other words, you’ve actually started to criticize yourself and think even more negatively because two guys didn’t pick up the phone and punch in your number.
Talk about a way to make sure you keep screwing up and feeling bad about your love life.
And worse, men can actually sense these things when you meet them and will instantly categorize you as a woman that they don’t want to be around if you’ve got that freaked out, negative, over-attachment to the casual conversation you’re having with them.
Here’s the second thing each of these situations has in common…
Of the ones that don’t involve men just being weird or “unavailable” for more than a casual fling, there’s a common theme going on.
They weren’t FEELING ATTRACTION.
See, there’s something I don’t think you see you’re doing here…
But… there’s a huge difference between KNOWING what these things are and actually DOING them.
The thing is, almost all women KNOW that they SHOULD tease and excite a man to dial up his interest.
But when it comes to actually doing these things in a fun, consistent, and exciting way,they fall short.
Because who wants to bother?
And isn’t it better for someone to just like you for you?
But what if there’s a real and genuine “you” that men just need some help to see with so much other stuff going on?
And what if you’re hiding that away because of your frustrations from the past or fears about what might happen in the present?
Here’s a radical thought…
With things not going exactly how you want them to go with your love life-imagine if you actually changed a few of YOUR everyday patterns of behavior with men to try and get a few different results.
What are the odds that part of the common denominator here is YOU, and not that all men have the exact same problem or issue with calling back?
Would it be too much to ask that you at least try a few different things that were outside of your “natural” comfort zone of what you’ve always done or what makes sense to you?
I don’t think so.
So let’s talk about what those patterns are that you need to break, and what to try instead that WORKS with men.
And if you want the absolute QUICKEST WAY to learn what works with men, what makes them FEEL INTENSELY ATTRACTED to a woman… and how to use these feelings to make a man want to move your relationship forward, then here’s what you should do-
You should learn how to create that more intense, deep, lasting attraction that involves not just a man’s physical desires, but his EMOTIONS as well.
Now, let’s get back to how to make sure great dates with a man turns into second dates, phone calls, and more connection and growth…
CREATING “REASONS” FOR A MAN TO CALL YOU BACK
Your email lets me know that you already “get” some of what to do, like teasing and challenging, but that you don’t quite know yet how to put it to work in your dating life.
Let’s change that.
You need to start creating exciting reasons for a man to want to see you again.
I’ll repeat that so you hear it again and take the time to let it sink in…
You need to start creating EXCITING REASONS for a man to WANT to see you again.
I’ll give you a minute to think about what that means.
Ok, now here’s the thing…
There’s something lots of single women do when they meet guys and want to see them again.
And it makes it so that the man isn’t very interested or excited to reconnect with the woman afterwards.
It’s when a woman tries to come up with any old reason under the sun to “reconnect” with a man, not realizing how important the “reason” actually is.
It usually goes something like this…
Woman meets man.
Man and woman start to connect.
They talk about “interesting” stuff and the woman becomes interested in the man.
The man enjoys the conversation and talking to the woman, who’s a great person and seems attractive.
The woman feels a connection and assumes that he must feel it too since it’s there.
The man asks for her number and she kind of “lets down her guard” and becomes very friendly with him and feels comfortable.
The woman then starts talking about the things that they can do together when they see each other next, based on the conversational topics they had.
The man’s attraction, intrigue and interest in the woman suddenly drops off.
End of story.
So what happened here?
In short, the woman stopped doing the things she was “naturally” and subconsciously doing at first that made the man feel attracted to her and instead, started treating him like a sort of “bestfriend.”
A friend of mine has a name for this…
The “super-sized friend approach.”
This approach is usually followed up by offers to do favors, run errands, or give gifts.
Translation – ZERO ATTRACTION.
And it’s further destroyed by trying any excuse, no matter how mundane, to make future plans together.
See what’s happening here?
And yeah, there’s always exceptions to the rules.
Women who are so naturally attractive to men, physically and “socially”, can and do take the more casual and friendly approach… and it works great for them.
But we’re not talking about those situations.
We’re talking about the situations where things unfortunately don’t fall into place so effortlessly.
Ok, so back to creating “reasons” that actually get men to call back.
Let’s start by talking about why the “reason” is so important… and then we’ll get into a specific example.
The “reason” you create for a man to reconnect with you is important because it builds the entire CONTEXT and MEANING in a man’s mind of how he thinks about you after he leaves…
That reason you give is a large part of what determines, in his mind, HIS reason for calling (or not calling).
So here’s how to create great “reasons” with a man…
First off, stop making future plans with men for first dates around things that are BORING, everyday, and PREDICTABLE.
Yes, trips to Europe can be fascinating, cool, sophisticated, cultural and all kinds of great things.
And yeah, talking about Europe, travel, sites, art history, etc. can interest a man intellectually.
And I have to admit that traveling to Europe has involved some of the most romantic moments of my life.
These are great things to talk about with a man in random conversations.
But guess what?
Planning a man’s trip with a man is NOT going to make him FEEL those romantic feelings with you just because you’ve become his travel guide.
Planning travel can be looked at as a kind of chore for some people… especially men.
In other words, you could hope that the romance of Venice or Florence rubs off on you somehow through some magic “transference” as you talk about them…
You could start doing the things that will make him FEEL ATTRACTED and romantically interested in YOU.
With me here?
You’ve got to remember…
Attraction isn’t created by “logic.”
A man doesn’t talk to a woman about Europe and become fascinated and sexually charged by her knowledge of the Duomo, the Sistine Chapel or the fine wines of France’s Bordeaux region.
Attraction doesn’t take place when a man thinks inside his mind, “Gee, she’s smart, cultured, well traveled, etc., I think I’m going to feel attracted to her.”
That’s not how it works at all… just like that’s not how you become interested and attracted in men.
It’s MUCH more subconscious.
Can a man “reason” with you so that you feel ATTRACTION or CHEMISTRY with him?
Didn’t think so.
But he can DO things that will make you FEEL ATTRACTION, even if you’re not really “choosing” to be attracted to him.
Well, the same is true for a man who’s just meeting you…
And sure, the things that are “logically attractive” like travel in Europe don’t hurt… but they’re really just window-dressing for the things that are going on underneath the surface in our minds and emotions.
What makes a man feel attracted is the EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE he has that a woman creates with him or guides him to.
Attraction is a largely SUBCONSCIOUS FEELING that comes in response to the unexpected, the unpredictable, and the things that can’t help but draw us in to connect in an emotional way.
So let’s land the plane here…
If you want a man to call back, give him a “reason” that’s interesting, unpredictable, fun, etc.
But most importantly, it’s got to be a reason that will make him FEEL ATTRACTION for you.
If you do something less predictable, like tell him,
“Hey, since you’re going to Europe, if you’re good I’ll tell you a few secrets about what makes the French such great lovers… or great cooks…whichever you’re more curious about…”
Now that’s sure to get a man’s attention… and keep it so that he’ll call you back.
Notice that this still says everything you want to say to a man about wanting to connect with him again.
But it does it in a fun, interesting, teasing, challenging and unpredictable way that keeps him thinking about you and guessing.
And it does it WITHOUT making him feel that you’re desperate to make sure that he’s going to call you – or that you’re just trying the “super- sized friend approach.”
There’s one other thing that’s important that you asked too…
“Should I just not accept that he tells me he’s going to call?”
Here’s the thing…
It’s important for you to have “boundaries” with men.
It’s important for your own good, to help him know what’s fair game and what isn’t and to lay some constructive framework for a future relationship.
A key step in every growing relationship is to communicate what your personal boundaries are so that the other person can learn to respect them.
But, in situations where you don’t even know the person very well, it’s not as simple as just laying it out there.
So… it’s also important that you don’t communicate these boundaries in a pushy, weird, needy, overly-sensitive way where men will instantly pull away from you.
I know, I know… for lots of women this sounds like a contradiction.
When they hear it they’ll think…
“You mean I’m supposed to be “unpredictable” and create attraction, but I’m also supposed to be assertive enough to communicate my boundaries.”
“This is too much hassle… I just want to be me, and if a guy doesn’t like it, then tough!”
It’s no surprise that a lot of the women with this attitude (and men) are single and home alone on Friday nights watching David Letterman.
And wonder why their relationships just seem to fall apart after a while… over and over.
The truth is, communicating boundaries and creating attraction with a man are NOT mutually exclusive activities.
AND… if you know how, these kinds of situations can become AMAZING OPPORTUNITIES to create attraction and GROWTH between you and a man.
If you know how to communicate with a man in the right way, you can get the response that you want (attraction) AND communicate a clear message.
Which in your case might be for him to respect your boundaries by calling if he says he’s going to call.
But if you don’t get the subtle specifics of how to communicate with a man this way, then often times you’ll come off as pushy or “bitchy” like lots of other women do when they try to assert boundaries early on with men.
Try saying something like this in a semi- serious way but with a smirk on your face…
“You know, I might just decide to give you my number, but I’m not sure if you’re the right kind of guy yet – because I’m VERY PICKY and I only give my number out to guys that A) have their act together and B) are smart enough to know what they’re missing if they don’t call.”
And then write down your number and hold it out for him to grab.
But when he reaches for it, pull it away from his hand a little bit so he misses it…
Then keep teasing him and ask him again with a wry smile on your face…
“Well, do you have your act together? Because I really don’t have time for boys that don’t call…”
This kind of thing will drive a man CRAZY and triggers a deep level attraction response – that’s not just a “physical” thing.
I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.