Stop Pushing Him Away With Your Fears & Emotions

Written by Christian Carter |  2 Comments

This email is going teach you more in the next 5 minutes about how to talk to a man than anything you’ve learned in the last several years.

Seriously.

If you’ve ever found yourself on a date and unable to break through all the “surface” conversation to get to know a man…

Or you’ve ever been “stuck in a rut” in your relationship and couldn’t talk to a man to change things for the better…

This could be one of the most important emails you ever read.

Now, let’s talk about how you can start communicating with a man in a way that gets him to quickly open up emotionally.

Wouldn’t it be great if the man in your life was not only less difficult to talk to about emotional or “relationship” topics…

But he actually asked you about your feelings and wanted to know what you were thinking?

What if you could share more of what you thought and felt with a man without him RESISTING or RESENTING YOU for having your feelings in the first place?

What if doing this and being even more honest in your relationship could bring you closer?

It can.

I want you to picture something for me that’s going to help you understand how to communicate with a man and create that magical “connection”…

I want you to think back to a recent time where you were trying to talk to a man and you just couldn’t get through to him.

Maybe it was an argument.

Maybe it was when you were trying to tell him something about your feelings or what you saw going on in your relationship.

Try to pick one of the more recent and intense situations or conversations.

I’ll give you a second to think back and pick one.

..

..

Ok.

Now that you’ve got the situation in your mind, I want you to remember what happened.

I want you to remember the way you FELT.

And now as you remember the feelings you had, I want you to go one step further.

I want you to think back to how that feeling made you ACT.

What did you DO or SAY?

There were generally two things you could have done:

1) You could have done or said something contructive that eased the tension and brought you back together in understanding

Or…

2) You could have done or said something IN RESPONSE that led to more frustration, negative feelings and distance between you

If you’re like lots of women who have trouble communicating with men, then what you did or said was more along the lines of option #2.

On the other hand, if you know any women who have an easy time communicating and talking with the man in their life… and who have open, honest, secure and loving relationships, then they do things more like #1.

Obviously, this isn’t rocket science…

Do things that are constructive and lead to understanding and you’ll get more positive RESULTS.

But then why can doing this seem so impossible for so many women with men.

Great question.

One reason is because they don’t know about the common mistakes women make with men in conversations that can quickly make a man shut down and stop communicating or sharing all together.

Luckily these mistakes are easily avoided.

Here are the 4 most common mistakes women make communicating with men:

Communication Mistake #1: Trying To “Fix” Your Relationship In A Single Conversation

How many times have you heard a woman you know try and figure out what’s wrong with her relationship and what she needs to do or say with a man to fix it?

If I had a nickel for every time…

The reality is that even though women most often have the best of intentions with wanting to talk through what’s wrong in their relationship… men simply don’t respond to the way most women go about it.

My favorite example to use is how men try and use pick-up lines.

Now tell me… as a woman, can a man who you don’t “feel it” for come up to you and say a pick-up line to you and make you feel suddenly into him?

I didn’t think so.

So why then do so many women try and do the same thing in their relationships?

Why do they try and use “relationship pick-up lines” to get a man to instantly think or feel something different?

This isn’t how human beings work.

Sure, you can persuade and influence and cause someone to FEEL an EMOTION… but most of the time this takes some thought and some kind of “build-up”.

When a woman approaches a conversation with a man about their relationship, and she has been thinking about it for hours or days… and then she tries her “relationship pick-up line” on him… and then becomes upset with him because he doesn’t get it and it doesn’t work, it’s like she’s beating her head against a brick wall.

Mistake #2: Starting Conversations With A Negative “Context”

Even though men are supposed to be so tough and masculine… they’re actually pretty sensitive.

When a woman brings up an intense situation or expresses a strong emotion, most men are usually deeply affected by it.

Of course, lots of women don’t recognize that the man is affected by them at all because they don’t see that a man becoming intensely closed off or “stoic” as a strong emotional response.

But for a man it is.

If you want to talk to a man, and you want him to stay open and supportive in the way he responds to you… then you need to keep in mind two important things:

1) When men sense emotions or situations they think are overly “negative”, they will often try and be strong by becoming less “sensitive”.

This doesn’t mean that a man isn’t listening, or doesn’t care… it’s his way of trying to help.

A key role for a man is the strong “provider” or protector. So when an intense situation comes up, it’s often a man’s instinctual or biological response to “toughen up”.

In other words, you need to avoid triggering this emotional response of a man “closing off” if you want to talk and share things on a more emotional level.

2) If you tell a man a negative feeling that you have, or a negative situation you don’t like, what’s he immediately going to start doing?

Right. He’ll start solving the “problem” for you. And when you don’t take his “solution” and quickly feel better and move on, he’s likely to feel irritated by you.

Arggh!

When you “frame” your thoughts or feelings in a way that a man will hear as a “problem”, then you’re not going to encourage him to lend you his listening and understanding.

You’ll be creating the very situation that could be bothering you – that he doesn’t really listen to you and becomes frustrated with you easily.

Mistake #3: Expecting A Negative Response

Have you ever approached a man to talk to him about something and you were almost certian that we wasn’t going to listen or care?

Well, guess what?

You might as well have just yelled at him first to start the inevitable misunderstanding.

If you either consciously or UNCONSCIOUSLY expect or anticipate a negative response from a man… it will show.

And he’ll respond in a negative way, not because he was going to anyways, but because of the strange negative feeling he got from you the second you opened your mouth to talk to him.

I’ve had to learn this lesson again and again in my life and in my own relationships.

There is a tremendous amount of power to the expectations, judgments, or roles that you carry in your mind for other people.

And as strange as it seems, these actually shape the way people respond to you.

Communication is deeper than the words you speak.

Lots of women spend years and years trying to see and understand the subtle things going on beneath the surface in everyday communication with men in relationships…

Only they don’t arrive at what they need to know soon enough to avoid the conflict and the misunderstandings that led to heartache and pain from failed relationships.

I touched on a couple of the important concepts in communication, and the mistakes lots of women make by not understanding them.

Unfortunately, most women will never learn the secrets of communication that are the only way to ever create a truly SECURE RELATIONSHIP.

If you don’t know what’s going on inside a man’s mind, and you don’t know how to talk to him to get him to open up and find out…then you’ll never have the CERTAINTY and the KNOWING that can create a truly SECURE situation for you with a man.

I know you’re probably already frustrated that you don’t have the kind of connection and understanding with a man you know is possible in a real relationship.

The “missing key” is learning how to COMMUNICATE with a man once and for all.

That way, you can save yourself any more years wasted in distant relationships that never allow you and a man to truly connect, get to know each other, and develop a SECURE RELATIONSHIP based on honesty and understanding.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Categories : Common Dating Problems

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

2 Comments

  1. WOW!!! This is actually spot on. I wish you had more to say and that you could help me even MORE with my problem, but this was just what I needed. Thanks!!

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  2. jackie says:

    so how do u stop doing this. didnt really help

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