I just recently started reading your articles and love them. But I have a situation of my own I feel extremly confused about. My boyfriend and I started dating around the end of March and things were great, but we were just dating as I was scared to take it to the next level because I didn’t want to become attached and get hurt. He introduced me to his family and everything. Then around the end of August we stopped seeing each other because he felt we should go our seperate ways. After about a month and a half he called me amd said he wanted to be with me and start a relaionship. I was weary on that but I went for it and became his girlfriend. Things were great, he was calling me all the time, wanting me around all the time, asked me to move in (I didnt though), told me he loved me, and that he wanted a family.

But in this last month (Oct.) he started pushing me away, not calling me, one time I texted him a message on the phone (trying to be cute) and asked how much do you love me? He never answered, so I asked him what was up and he said ” whats with all the pressure? Just know that I care about you.” It was weird because he used to say it. Anyways he just keeps pushing me away and blowing me off. I’ve asked him whats going on with this relationship, and whether he wants to be with me or not, and he never gives me an answer. He just says I’ll call you tomorrow. I want to be with him I just dont know what’s happening. It really hurts. I dont know what I did. Can you try to give me some answers?

Ouch.

I know your situation is endlessly frustrating and seems impossible to understand… as I’ve seen TONS of women go through or tell me about a very similar experience with a man.

Why is it that men will act distant with you to the point where a break up happens… only to come back and act amazing for a little while, and THEN go back to being the same old distant and uncertain man?

After he pursues you and you start getting comfortable and open up your feelings and emotions again, he starts pulling away.

And he tells you things like, “you are putting too much pressure on me”.

“I need more space.”

“Things are moving too fast.”

Or he doesn’t say anything at all. He just calls less, or stops calling all together.

Or he acts busy. When he is with you, you don’t feel like he is really “with” you.

And when you try to talk about all of this and get back to a better place where you’re both close and having some EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, he reacts like you’re laying some guilt trip or some heavy burden on him… and he backs off even further.

What’s happening here?

Why is this common with men?

And why can trying to get a man to open up and communicate actually drive him away?

To explain why this is with men, let me ask you a question…

When you are feeling upset about something, do you call up close girlfriends to talk it over and work out the best thing to do?

Like most women, you often do this.

Now ask yourself…

How many MEN do you know call up their close guy friends to share their feelings and get advice for what’s going on in their life and relationships?

Not many.

It’s just not part of the way they deal with emotions and relationships in their lives.

Most men spend less time “analyzing” all the specifics in their relationships… and they generally have a more personal and internal way of dealing with or “processing” their feelings. (Yes, men do have feelings after all)

But in case you haven’t noticed, men don’t find the same clarity and comfort in analyzing and sharing their feelings in the way most women do.

In fact, often times, doing so can actually make a man feel “drained” instead.

I think deep down somewhere you recognize this. Part of you knows men are different in this way. But another part of you fears or resents this because it can make a man seem “unengaged” or shut off from his feelings.

And that can spell BAD NEWS for women in relationships where they feel UNCERTAIN.

Here’s my point…

Considering all this about how men and women can be different, how do you think a man is going to react when a woman calls him and she’s upset and deep into her own “analysis” of their relationship and wants to talk?

Sure, it would be great if a man was completely open and receptive to all the feelings you were having, but that’s not how most men will respond in this situation.

Instead, a man will either respond negatively to your emotions, or he won’t respond much at all and seem even more distant.

Arggggh! Frustrating, right?

Let me quickly cut to the chase about what’s going on here…

What makes a woman feel closer and more connected to a man often has the OPPOSITE affect for a man.

It seems unfair, doesn’t it?

But as much as it might be, that’s how things work. It’s the REALITY.

Now, there are about 50 things I could tell you about how men are at fault and create these problems for themselves and for you in your relationship.

But the reality is that you’ve already spent hours thinking about this before and have a lot of your own ideas about this.

That’s why I’m NOT going to talk about what’s going on with men here and what to do about helping them “get with the program”.

Right now we’re going to talk about YOU.

Why?

Because thinking about YOURSELF is the first step towards real GROWTH and AWARENESS in EVERY RELATIONSHIP you have in your life.

You could spend days, weeks, months or years worrying about a man, what he thinks, and why he does the things he does.

But if you want to be smart…

And you want relationships to start “working” for you, instead of seeming like a never-ending source of frustration and disappointment trying to get a man to make the relationship work…

Then you’ll make sure you have things handled for yourself first.

And that way you’ll have the CERTAINTY that only comes from understanding what’s happening in the relationship around you… and what YOU need to do in each situation that comes up with a man, especially in a case like this where you are dealing with an “Emotionally Unavailable” man..

The “Emotionally Unavailable”s man is a man who has one foot in the door.

One moment he may be ready to step into the boat with you…he wants to be with you… he wants to spend all his time with you… and it seems as though he is ready to step into the boat and start on a beautiful journey with both of you together.

Then he stops dead in his tracks and starts thinking about that boat on the pier. That’s solid land. Land he knows how to navigate.

Maybe he’s never been on the boat before or maybe he doesn’t think he has a “map” in order to truly understand where the boat is going. What if their boat hits a rock? What if they get lost on their journey? Maybe stepping back on solid ground that he is familiar with is the only option he sees.

One of the most common, frustrating and destructive things these men do with women in relationships is pull away or completely withdraw emotionally.

If you’ve ever had this happen and it dragged on, even just for a few hours or days, then you know it can feel like a slow “emotional death.”

Your creativity, energy, and passion all start to wither away and you get drawn into some weird “funk.”

Give me a silent nod if you know what I’m talking about and you’ve experienced the negative effects of “emotional withdrawal” with a man before.

Well, there’s something that lots of women don’t recognize that I want to share with you…

It’s strange, kind of bizarre, and hard for lots of women to believe…but it’s something I’ve observed again and again about men.

It’s that when it comes to emotional withdrawal and distance in a relationship, most men DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND what it is… and why it would be such a problem for their relationship.

Ok, let me repeat that.

Some men just plain DON’T GET IT.

And more to the point, don’t want to.

Got it?

Now, why am I telling you this?

Because lots of women get upset when a man withdraws and pays more attention to his favorite sports team, work, or whatever, and they take it personally…as though the man is consciously doing something to ruin the relationship or to REJECT them.

Wrong.

The truth is that lots of men don’t appreciate how important sharing feelings, emotions, and experiences are to a relationship, and to a woman. (Duh!)

Men honor and appreciate other things in relationships. (I’ll get to these later)

So when a great woman comes along that he could have an amazing time with and get close to…

And she starts noticing that he isn’t as “involved” emotionally…

Instead of identifying these for what they are (part of his natural “masculine” tendency to pull away and focus in a less emotionally involved way) she feels rejected, unappreciated or deadened by it.

As I said before, how many men that you know get together with their friends to talk about their feelings and discuss the details and meaning of the relationships in their lives?

Exactly.

That’s why it’s FASCINATING to recognize that lots of men actually value NOT SHARING so much.

They think of themselves as “easygoing” and “laid back”.

Not “detached” or “emotionally unavailable”.

Men who are this way often say or think things like:

“It’s better if we don’t talk about it.”

Or…”Why do you nag me about this stuff?”

Or… “Don’t worry about it so much?”

Sound familiar?

So what’s a woman to do with a man who thinks or talks this way?

Accept that he’ll never open up and share with her?

Resign herself to a life and a relationship without real love and connection?

Dump him and move on?

Well, what I can tell you is that as much as men are different, a man MUST BE willing to be part of the learning process that IS a relationship for love to grow and last.

Translation – if he’s open to learning and growth in some way, then he’s not a lost cause.

Which is why I’ve got two important questions for you-

Question #1. How open to learning and growth is the man in your life?

This is an important question to consider when you’re thinking about the kind of relationship you REALLY and truly want, and if the man you’re interested in is open and willing to have that.

The man you choose can help make all the difference for you.

Question #2. How open are YOU to the idea that YOUR OWN words and behavior often result in a man becoming LESS OPEN to learning and growth with you?

All healthy, mature people in relationships learn to take responsibility for their part in how their partner responds.

As much as men might be less “emotionally involved”, tons of women are blinded to the fact that they create more of the situation they fear most in their relationship – having a man shut off.

When you keep getting a man who shuts off when you try and talk about your feelings, what’s bothering you, or what’s wrong with your relationship… it would be a good idea to take a minute and look at YOUR PART in all of this, and the way you communicate.

There’s a saying I keep coming back to in my life whenever I get into tense situations or conflict in my relationships-

“Communication is the response you get.”

In other words… your own feelings and beliefs are important, but when it comes to sharing them with another person (a man)and getting them to listen and UNDERSTAND you and where you’re coming from…

Then the fact that you might be saying the right thing or speaking the “truth” isn’t what matters. (Not in the short term)

What’s important, if you want to truly connect and experience understanding is making sure that what you communicate gets you the RESPONSE you want. (a man opening up)

Let me take this out of the clouds here and land the plane when it comes to men, dating, and relationships…

What if you knew about how COMMITMENT really works inside a man’s mind and heart… and you had a “map” to get you BOTH to a deeply committed place together in your relationship, without having to come up against all the RESISTANCE and the “make-or-break” issues that men often decide to run away from in relationships?

Would a “map” like this help you feel more comfortable, guide you smoothly through what was coming next with a man, and help you grow CLOSER in your relationship?

Let me ask you a question.

When is the best time to do something about the resistance you might be feeling from your man when it comes to communicating more and moving your relatoinship forward?

Should you wait until he has already started pulling away, growing distant, and resisting your attempts to grow closer?

This is a common mistake women make with men they want to be in a close, connected relationship with.

They wait until things are difficult and intense to try and have the real conversations about who they are, what they want, and where things are going.

And they find out too late where a man is really at, and where he’s really coming from.

It’s CRITICAL to learn to understand a man for who he is and what his patterns, fears, and “hang-ups” are so that you can either address them and move ahead to a deeper level of understanding and commitment…

Or so you can be clear about the fact that he needs to deal with these for himself BEFORE you give him more of your time and energy.

Identifying what kind of “resistance” you’re going to have in your relationship before it comes up is what’s going to help you create the situation you’ve always known is possible in your love life… and make it LAST.

Of course, once you start to put together the puzzle pieces and raise your AWARENESS about your relationship and the man you’re with… from there you still need to know how to grow closer and become more committed over time. Instead of growing apart like so many couples end up doing.

There are LOTS of different levels of commitment, and monogamy is just one of them.

Committing to honesty is another.

And committing to an emotionally close and intimate relationship regardless of external events is yet another.

But in order for commitment to last, you need to build it over time, in a natural way that will feel good for you AND for a man too.

The thing is, if you ask the couples you know, or the women who are in committed, loving relationships, you’ll find out that they didn’t just “arrive” there.

Sure, once in a while there is that “ideal” couple who fall deep into love right off the bat and it’s all easy from there on out.

But more often than not, this isn’t how things work with a man.

Most couples have to find their own unique way of getting to a close, committed place together… and the man and the woman in a couple have their own individual paths, challenges, fears and levels of RESISTANCE around commitment.

Unfortunately, when it comes to a LASTING COMMITMENT, this uncertain, chaotic, “take-it-as-it-comes” approach ends up failing a majority of the time.

Once you are no longer UNCERTAIN about what’s going on with a man and WHY he’s acting the way he is, you’ll be filled with more confidence and understanding and learn how to best help your relationship grow… or see that it’s not going to give you what you want and help you end it.

I want you to get ready for the kind of certainty you never thought was possible in your love life.

I’m talking about having the man in your life COMMIT to MORE than a relationship – but committing to YOU, and to HIMSELF, on an physical and emotional level to make the relationship loving and lasting.

I’m talking about how a man commits to being OPEN with you, and to staying that way.

I’m talking about how a man commits to being there for you when you need SUPPORT… instead of being with you just to have a woman in his life and get all the “benefits” he wants.

I’m talking about how a man commits to handling tough emotional situations, and learns how to stop withdrawing and listen… instead of trying to “fix” the problem or you all the time.

I’m talking about how a man commits to addressing and dealing with HIS OWN fears and issues in a healthy way… and instead of blaming you or wanting to get away, wanting you to be involved and close with you.

This is the kind of commitment I’m talking about.

The only kind of commitment that will LAST.

If you want to create and experience the CERTAINTY that is possible with a growing committed relationship, then there has to be awareness, a clear plan, and a “strategy” for getting to that open, loving, and committed place TOGETHER.

You know this is possible, because you’ve seen other men and women find this together.

And you know that even if they love each other, it wasn’t always easy.

Why can’t YOU have this too?

You can.

And it can even be easier and more certain for you… if you know how.

It’s time to throw away all the confusion that comes from the poor relationship “models” in your life- like some of your friends or family.

Most women don’t have any mature men in their lives to look at and see how a real man becomes and stays in love and deeply committed.

But they could sure use one and learn from it.

That’s what I’m here to help with…

It’s time to “clean the slate” and start learning WHAT REALLY WORKS when it comes to creating a healthy, lasting and COMMITTED situation with a real man.

And once you start to understand this and apply the lessons in your love life, EVERYTHING will quickly begin to change.

The first change you’ll experience when you learn how commitment actually works FOR A MAN will be that it doesn’t take so much struggle and “convincing” a man to stay or open up when he’s excited to be with you because he feels understood in the same way you want to be.

And as a result, he will finally be the one who is “engaged” in your relationship, asking you to do things, making sure to care and support you… and leading your relationship forward.

This kind of behavior is not only possible with a man in a relationship, it’s guaranteed to take place if you can make a man FEEL, on his own and for his own reasons, that you are the woman he wants to COMMIT to.

I want to show you how you can have the man in your life feel this way with you.

And part of that will come from you getting to know and learn WHAT’S COMING NEXT in your relationship with a man, and how to respond to a man in a way that brings you closer… instead of pushing you both apart.

When you know what’s coming, and you know how to deal with it to stay close and connected with a man… it’s like the world has become a different place.

I want you to stop asking a man where he’s at, what he’s thinking, and what’s going on. And not because it won’t matter, but because YOU’LL KNOW after going through this program and using the ideas, strategies, and tools I’m going to share with you.

(Hint: Asking a man questions about what is going on, when he likely doesn’t know or can’t put the pieces together for you is NOT the best way of finding things out!)

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter