3 Ways You Make Men Pull Away

Written by Christian Carter |  38 Comments
ways you make him pull away

Have you ever had a man break up with you or pull away all of a sudden, and then not had a clue as to what caused it to happen?

Because as far as you could tell, everything was going great. You were spending tons of time together. You had an amazing “connection”. And you KNEW that his feelings for you were real. He might have even said the “L” word to you more than a few times.

LOVE.

But for some reason, he just pulled away one day. And it left you breathless and without a clue as to what had just happened. As the smoke cleared… and you started thinking back on it, you remembered that his behavior HAD changed awhile back.

And when it first did, it worried you. Actually, it worried you a lot. But you tried to ignore it.

And when you did say something to him about it, after it had been “eating at you” for a while, it only seemed to make things between you worse.

And he certainly didn’t agree with or understand where you were coming from or what you were upset about or afraid of.

So you tried to put it out of your mind and forget about it and hoped that it would just “go away” on its own. But the more you did this, the more upset and frustrated you got, because you STILL felt like something wasn’t quite rightn underneath the surface.

Something was going on inside him. Something was making him withdraw from you physically and emotionally.

Something had happened… and he was feeling and acting differently with you as a result.

Something was wrong and you just couldn’t put your finger on what it was.

And THAT is when things started to go from bad to worse, and you started to feel and act OUT OF CONTROL.

The thoughts and feelings you were having overwhelmed you with FEAR.

FEAR that he might not find you as attractive as he used to.

FEAR that maybe there was someone else he was interested in.

And ultimately, the FEAR that he was getting ready to leave you… and you would lose him…forever.

So, to try and combat this fear, you started to act in ways that you NEVER would have acted otherwise. Ways that even YOU didn’t like about yourself, and are probably even a little bit ashamed to admit to now.

You started to see that even though it was something you saw going on with HIM that was at the root of the problem… YOU were the one who was reacting in ways that were tearing your relationship apart.

YOU couldn’t let go of the fear that was filling up inside you.

And as a result, you shut yourself off from him and from the pain to try and protect yourself.

But he wasn’t able to pull you up from this place of anxiety and frustration by reassuring you and giving you more love and understanding. And things eventually got even worse as he pulled further way.

In a way, your feelings and actions actually caused the final breakup that you had feared to begin with.

Does this situation sound familiar to you?

Have you ever felt so out of control or overwhelmed with a man that you ended up actually helping along the very situation you feared most?

Such as him LEAVING.

When a man that you’re with starts to act “differently”… maybe he seems less interested in you, or doesn’t want to talk as much, or starts hanging out with his friends more, it can be very scary.

Immediately you think to yourself “What did I do to make him upset or angry?” or “How can I ‘get him back’ close to me again?”

That’s only natural and understandable.

However acting out in a negative, emotionally charged way only sets off a severe reaction where you might begin to act or think in destructive ways.

Some women even try and “pre-empt” the pain or fear that they feel by replacing it with their own withdrawal behavior.

Here are 3 of the most common ways women let fear get the better of them and end up making men want to pull away:

1. Becoming intensely negative, and accusing a man of abandoning them or wanting to leave when he acts “distant”.

2. Finding ways to hurt or reject the man they’re with inside the relationship before he can hurt THEM (this might include belittling, name calling, “nagging”)

3. Acting out in ways that are sure to destroy the relationship… such as cheating.

If you’ve seen other women go through this, or you’ve done these yourself, then you already KNOW that these ways of dealing with problems, fear, or insecurity only get you farther away from what you want – love and a more secure relationship.

And sure, there’s almost nothing more frustrating than being dedicated and committed to a relationship, and then seeing that the other person isn’t as committed as you are. You might find yourself SO hurt or afraid because of this, that YOU become the one whose emotions and behavior push you even farther apart.

It’s enough to make you feel hopeless sometimes.

Like you’ll NEVER have a real and loving relationship.

Well, the reality is there’s something you CAN do that’s CERTAIN to get rid of the fears and insecurities that drive you and a man apart during the most critical of times.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,
Christian Carter

Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

38 Comments

  1. Kim says:

    CC,
    I’ve learned through many bad experiences that if a guy has started to back off a little, following a really nice succession of times together, it more often means he’s recharging his batteries by focusing on work and other hobbies he put aside for me.
    It doesn’t necessarily mean he has gotten bored of me or that he wants to end anything. If anything, he may just want some space to sort out his emotions. Being close to me might have made him feel like he was losing his independence, even if during that time, he was obviously having fun with me.

    Ladies, don’t worry if the guy wants a break now and then. You should learn to take them for yourself as well, because you’ll see each other again, and have more to talk about! Don’t get mad at him for needing this down time, and he will appreciate you more for having a spirited, cheerful individuality.

    This IS, after all, probably what made him like you in the first place!

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  2. Krista says:

    I could not agree with you more Kim! I wondered why the guy I was with all of sudden wanted to “date” rather then be “boyfriend/girlfriend” anymore. I know we rushed into things. (He asked me to be his boyfriend on the second date….) and two months later the “romance” was over and he was confused. of his emotions, and trying to take things slower, day by day. And see where it led. I think our initial chemistry was all built on lust, and once that was over—we had some down time. About a month ago when it happened I was heart broken over it and told him not to call me and i wanted to see what ‘better” was out there. Needless to say it’s been a month. I went out on dates with two other guys. Worked really hard. Got a raise, and moving into a new apt. I had hoped he would call and see how the “job” was going? apt hunt? and so on but he never did. I would have liked to at least shared those things as a friend and not as lover anymore.

    you think i could call him to be friends? i’m past the disappointment and moved on to find better. but i gotta admit i missed having him around as a friend sometimes. I don’t know many people at all and it was nice to have someone to talk to about similiar things and were the same age?

    what do you think?

    Thank you
    Krista

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  3. pamster says:

    nope… take what you experienced and walk away. There are other guys out there you will meet. Begin loving Yourself as much as you want to be loved.. view men as add-ons to what you already have ( yourself, you cute thing), and realize you possess something that can never be taken away from you. Your love.

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  4. sharna says:

    this book is amazing.when I started dating this guy,i did everything the book told me to.I acted more “never-minded” than i did when i was in other relationships.I had my own friends & my own life.I just let things “go-with-the-flow” instead of wanting to know where this relationship was heading.We ‘did’ more & “spoke” less,(yet we had a wonderful communication).He loved what he “felt” when h was with me.Strangely enough,this is what attrated me to him more.today we are going out for over a year,(& still going strong).Thanx so much Christian

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  5. Kim says:

    This is to Krista:
    I wish I could strongly advise you to call him and ask how he’s doing as a friend, but let’s presume he knows how to reach you, so if he is not doing that, either he thinks you don’t want to (the thought of which probably makes YOU feel compelled to tell him you DO want to), or he’s moved on and can’t deal with rerunning anything.

    He may not know how to be friends at this point, so I’d at least give yourself time to heal. Then, maybe in a few months to a half a year, by all means say ‘hi, how have you been?’ .. at THAT point, how he responds will tell you all you need to know.

    Hugz,
    Kim

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  6. erin says:

    um yeah i have a question there is this guy i have been hanging with for the past month and hes very shy but would always stare at me when i was with friends or when i was hangin gwith them in the gym, i have hung out with his friends he has hung out with mine, um… but still hes seems very awkward still pro just getting to know them. Today i notice that he was pulling away a bit, i mean he use to email me all the time he hardly does anymore, and now hardly callss, but i talk to him, frequently but i am trying to distance myself so he would come back. I know he is starting to pull away. what do i do? give him the space he needs? i think that is my gut reaction right now.

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  7. Michelle says:

    I met a man about a year and half ago. He told me that he had a really bad break-up and was even engaged at one time. We hit it off immediately,and things were going great for a while, and suddenly he started calling less and spending less time with me. I couldn’t figure out the problem, so I asked where he saw us going on from here. His answer was he needed more time to process what I told him. Now, he ignores my phone calls and I stopped calling him altogether. It’s going on a month since I last talked to him. What could be going on?

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  8. Lindy says:

    As long as you’re not looking for love or security from this man, I don’t see a problem in calling him. Everything you need can be and is found within yourself. Accept & yourself with all of your imperfections, bcause they’re an important part of who you are. Go on. I dare you to feel all that love and security that comes from yourself. Afterwards, ask yourself whether you really need this man for ANYTHING at all.

    Best

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  9. coria says:

    HI if a man leaves you after couple months or more and never call s again dont get in touch he’ll hurt you again even a s a friend

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  10. coria says:

    He’ll never make a good friend because you cant rely on him he’ll disappear int o thin air again when u need him

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  11. mary says:

    my guy treated me great, introduced me to his family and friends as his girlfriend, but didn’t spend much time with me. as much as i was deeply attracted and connected to him, the frustration of not much time together started getting to me and i broke it off. i wish i had been less focused on time, and more on quality. i asked him to a movie and he said, ‘i’ll let you know…’ what do you think is going on?

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  12. Ben says:

    This message is to Erin. God, women can be so dumb (no real offense intended)… No, don’t pull away or ignore him. If a guy pulls away it is either because

    1) he is genuinely not interested – if this is the case, you have very little chance of convincing him otherwise

    or

    2) the more likely, especially in your situation: he feels that you don’t like him.

    After making such an effort to spend time with you (sending you many emails, etc) and not getting you to reciprocate his feelings, he feels hurt and rejected. He is literally on the rebound. After feeling hurt and rejected for a certain ammount of time, he will get over you completely and go after another woman. My advice to you: if you have genuine feelings for him, tell him! TELL HIM TELL HIM TELL HIM! Literally throw yourself at him. Not sexually, but emotionally. Let him know that you want him. Not through flirtation and ‘feminine wiles’; that will make him trust you less. Be direct. Be honest. If you continue to be aloof, you will loose him completely.

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  13. Jane says:

    I have been seeing a guy for 5 months. Everything was great, we didn’t get to see each other all the time but we communicated and got together when we could. All of the sudden he turned off. Started calling less and less and wouldn’t take my phone calls. I tried to talk to him as I believe in being open and honest, and he said he wanted to be in the relationship but that he was wary of rushing. I wasn’t trying to rush him but I have not only myself but my child to think about. He doesn’t call anymore and to me his actions say he doesn’t want to be in the relationship. I am trying to give him space to figure things out but it is wearing on me especially since my child wants to go see him. I think this guy is a great and he has had some serious hard times in the past so I understand his wariness, what do think is going on? At this point I just want to walk away and cut my losses but on the other hand I really care about him and think if we could get past whatever is going on we could have an amazing relationship. Can you give me your thoughts and opinions?

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  14. Anna says:

    Please help..

    I am so confused. My boyfriend can be very insecure – tells me not to break his heart, tells me how much he wants me to move in with him and wishes I would e-mail him.

    Yet, then he turns around and says that he doesn’t mind if I date other men – this really upset me and I went a bit cold on him for like 10 minutes. He tried to give me a massage but I backed off and went to my friends’. I then realised I was being silly and was more friendly towards him.

    Then HE shut down and hasn’t talked to me like we are lovers for 3 weeks. He went from calling me darling, baby every second to being almost rude and incredibly cold – he acts like I am his buddy, so needless to say, I have stopped and not tried to initiate anything with him.

    When he is a good boyfriend he is REALLY GOOD, but if I make a little mistake, he is so difficult.

    I know with men that you have to have a lot of patience and let them initiate things – but I’m human and confused.

    He asked me to move in with him for months, begged me – yet every time I broached the subject with him, he suddenly became “too busy”.

    What can I do? Is this my fault or his?
    Do I deserve better or do I need more patience as this is typical of most men?

    When I am sweet and act as if nothing has happened – it gets worse, and I am a good natured person anyway – so being “calm” is not the answer – we don’t argue that much anyway. I feel that I need to discuss things with him – although most people strongly advise against this and say it will push away further.

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  15. Dusty says:

    I date this man for 9 months we spent weekends together he wanted to commit to the relationship as he said. He asked me to move in with him, but I was not ready yet financially. We continued to see each other and talk of marriage. 5 days before he said he needed space he told me how much he loved me and how happy he was with me. Then without warning he said he needed space and he was confused. We are not speaking now he is dating someone else and I have been dating to but I still love him. I want to call him to let him know that I still love him and hope that we can start to at least talk and maybe go to the movies to. I really believe that he had deep feelings and based on his past relationships is afraid of being hurt. What do you think I should do. We had fun together I meet his children and his parents, he was always attentive and is a very caring person.

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  16. Justice says:

    A guy I have been seeing for almost a year invited me to his family’s Thanksgiving, (mon) later in the week, we a tis due to his drinking (fri). Have spoken to him now for over a week. Up to that point, we have a good time together, he helps me around my house, we go out to dinner, cook together etc. Im not sure what happened…. why did he pull back. Everything was going great

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  17. Kim says:

    So I’ve been dating this guy for a month and a half and he has shown REAL INTEREST in me and always makes an effort to see me throughout the week…Then all of a sudden says WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS…Whats up with that???

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  18. Kym says:

    So I’ve been dating this guy for a month and a half and he has shown REAL INTEREST in me and always makes an effort to see me throughout the week…Then all of a sudden says WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS…Whats up with that???PLEASE HELP…

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  19. Sara says:

    Here is my question/comment. Please anyone with any insight enlighten me. My boyfriend of almost a year is driving me crazy. He came on strong in the begining we were together all the time. And when we were not he was calling or txting. The past few months its like he can’t be bothered for days at a time. When I txt or call he is brief so I back off then he comes looking for me wanting to know why I haven called and acting all jealous and hurt thinking I am cheating on him.

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  20. Pam says:

    I think the primary goal of this site is to “sell” their products/books, NOT to provide help or any means of advices!

    Girls, read the articles carefully … if you still DO NOT GET IT, then GET THE BOOK!

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  21. helx says:

    Help I’ve been seeing a man for 18 months now and he was fairly newly divirced (his wife left him for another man) and I was newly widowed. Things were great he’d text me ten times a day basically I had his full attention. Gradually though because of kids and work etc our dates became just going round each others house for a couple of hours, if you get my meaning.

    All this time he has never called me his girlfriend and will not commit to a relationship. Its usually me who initiates going out or meeting up which makes me feel like a right nob. But when we are together he tells me how fond he is of me and how much he enjoys my company.

    How should I treat this guy, give him space??? or keep initiating it because maybe its not in him to initiate meetings???

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  22. vera says:

    Don’t tell ur feelings to a guy coz you might loose him , that’s why i lost a man that i will never forget him

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  23. Shamima says:

    Hi Hope someone can help…

    I met this guy at work, he is 16 years younger than me. We were attracted to each other got on really well right from the start. Texted and emailed each other non-stop, and it was as if we could never run out of things to talk about. We became really great friends, he would tell me about his girlfriend, the problems, etc. I would talk to him about marriage and advise him, even wrote emails to his girlfriends for him. We talked all thru the day sometimes till 2 in the morning. We never ever crossed the line, although he would give me compliments and say really nice things to me, I always joked and laughed and pretended that I wasn’t takin anything he said seriously. if i talked about my husband he didnt like it,and avoided bringing up his name, so I stopped too. and he refused to come over to share a meal every time i asked him, even though he loved the food i cooked. He got married and invited me to the wedding, I didnt go, made up an excuse. He won’t introduce me to his wife and has stopped talkin to me, why?? I miss him so much, i’m completely lost without him!!

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  24. LiLo says:

    i’ve been with my boyfriend for around 3 years now and it’s kinda topsy turvy (if yah know what i mean). he was always the one who decides for us (food to eat, what to wear, what to’s….) and sometimes it makes me feel so smothered by him coz he’s always jealous even regarding work only (whenever there’s a guy call me to ask something) and feel so helpless about it. if he have done something wrong or i be jealous with him he can easily throw out words on me (he usually calls me crazy) as if like i dont have the right to be jealous and ask about his whereabouts coz he said it’s kinda shame for him if he completely submitted himself to me, like telling me where he go or somewhat else. he can always check on me without any questions asked but i cant do the same to him, and i feel that he’s hiding too many things on me. i love him so much and i dont want to lose him but lately i found myself empty and stupid coz i am letting him do this to me. any advise? thanks.

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  25. Linda Lou says:

    I lived with him for 22 months but I think I hurt his feeling and don’t know how to get threw to him He told me it was over between us But I just can’t settle for that because I truly have emotional feeling for him I call him but no responce i mail him letters in the mail still nothing Tell me what should i do to get threw to him I know he badly hurt inside its been 2 months and still nothing I went to see him about 3 weeks ago and he was still very upset with me told me to start my life over without him But deep down I KNOW HE CARES ABOUT ME Please help me tell me how i can get threw to him should i tell him am sorry for hurting his feeling am not sure what to say to him all i know is i feel misable inside
    Please reply back to me because i need your wisdom dealing with relationships
    Thank You
    Linda Lou

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  26. Linda Lou says:

    I don’t want to go down there and get rejected again we have broke up over 30 times in the past months but i always went back to him but now it different some how because he acting so different with me he won’t call me and i miss him something terrible I email his sister but she don’t want to talk about him to me or our relationship i had with him and there family I feel so alone I know he cares for me but can’t seem to get threw to him Tell me what to do or what i can say to reinsure me that am truly sorry for what i think i may have done to him Please help me because you are the expert on relationship and am not please email i truly do love this man but went I tell him i love him it seem like he could care less if i do What am I doing wrong
    I don’t want to lose him for ever
    Please help me i would apprecaite your advice dearly
    thanks
    Linda Lou
    Be waiting for a relpy
    Thanks again
    I my heart is breaking into because i miss him so much

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  27. Norma says:

    I met a man a few months ago, he was calling every day morning, sometimes texting, and every evening. I met his kids he met some of my family. We were very compatible, we enjoyed each others company very much but a week ago he told me he wanted to take a break said bye and hung up. He will not answer my texts or calls. I am devasted because we did click so well…..

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  28. Ace says:

    Hi,

    I can relate to this article and to what you all had to say but in different ways too. For example the guy and I were dating but he would always vanish and return out of the blue. It has been going on for the past four years and until last month ago he confirmed that he wanted to be an “official” couple and yes again he vanished and now he has returned by unblocking me off his msn but doesn’t say hello. I don’t even want to say hello due to my fear. So what do you all think?

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  29. Tiffany says:

    My man and I have been together almost 3 yrs and we have a son that’s almost two I got pregnant rigt off the bat as soon as we started dating andthe. In December after we had only been together about 5 months he got sent on a I’ll call it deployment, he was in the military and he got in trouble so he had to go leaving me while I waspregnant and I had his son while he was gone and bythetime he came back he had a son now and even proposed to me even though we had been together a year at that point we had only spent 5 months together and when he came back I knew things would be different because we were parents now and it’s been to years and he still has t found work we are still together and I love him dearly but he never wants to do anything with me enclosing have sex I’m appears the one who initiates anything we do he blames his lack of wanting to do anything on his lack of job and it seems any time I want to have sex either he has a headache or his back hurts,to me they just sound like lame excuses since it happens all the time and j try telling him to push harder to get a job I know the economy is bad but their are jobs out there he’s just picky. If anyone had ANY advice on what j should do if their even is anything please please please let me know cause it’s nit like I can just leave him and we have a son to think about and he can’t see and understand that what he is doing realy hurts me and breaks my heart. Anyone with help please email me I’m desperate and I can’t take much more heartache from the man I love and am supposed to be marrying

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  30. anne says:

    sometimes people want to be in relationships, but it is too much for them. nothing you say or do, it’s them

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  31. anne says:

    sometimes it is their own insecurities and they think you are thinking the same way so they just go away rather than trying to work it out. i only know this because it is what I do….they guys dont want me to go away but I do anyways….its messed up but I can’tcommit for some reason.

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  32. anne says:

    right on to Ben up above

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  33. Sherry says:

    A man in my life I have been flirting with for 2 yrs and has been having morning coffee in a restaurant now for a year, kept telling me my divorce needs to be over with and I have another week b4 it is final. He has decided he does not want to be tied down. His exwife left him many years ago for another man and he took the kids from her and raised them- they are in their thirties.so we have met at a couple of dances since I was married and spent 1 night together- then it changed. Before I was hearing he was just waiting to hear the words that I am divorced, he wants me all to himself, and more. He is. 66, help

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  34. Magdalena says:

    OH CC…you’re attempt at turning the tables is just epic! There are certain social graces known to people in the more “civil world” known as common courtesy. When a man pulls away without saying why, or expressing his feelings; he is being rude. Pure and simple and full stop. If a woman then gets frantic and tries the “wrong ways” to strike the pre-emptive blow to thwart his inconsideration; she’s the bad guy? Is that really the b.s. you want people to believe?

    Men have no more right to be inconsiderate, secretive and rude than anyone else. Men haven’t a clue as to why women do what they do. I find it funny when one sex speaks for the other. So, as a woman I can tell you; you are wrong, sir. While some of what you say may be true, the majority is hoopla designed to make women feel bad about their actions when in truth it is the male gender that could really use a good course in etiquette and a sense of propriety.

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  35. Fern says:

    Please give me your advice. We’ve just been friends so far and it started out with two months of constant texting and teasing. Last week after a great date, he began to pull back and hasnt contacted me since. I know he visits my Facebook page to see my updates at least thrice a day, though, so I can’t understand why he would want to keep updated on my life so much and yet not contact me at all. Is he just pulling back or has he lost interest completely? And if he’s lost interest, why would he visit my Facebook page 3x a day and yet not contact me at all?

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  36. wewawa says:

    This article states the fact that a lot women who are experiencing this disrespectful treatemnt by men who pulling themselves away without real reasons. In Mr. Carter’s advice, it seems to me “women need to do the work;” “Men’s nature, take it or leave it.” Why don’t we as women take control and leave that situation. We need to tell ourselves we deserve to be respected. There are men who want to take responsibility and want to co-create a healthy relationship with the woman he really cherish. I want to ask Mr. Carter, why he suggests women to understand men’s nature, but not helping men to understand women. He could write books to educate those men.

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  37. plain_jane76 says:

    if a guy pulls away for whatever reason….let them. Ladies….we all don’t want someone who’s a chicken anyways. If these guys feels strongly for you…they will find their way back to you!

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  38. Assha says:

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