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Have you ever had a man break up with you or pull away all of a sudden?
And then not had a clue as to what caused it to happen?
Because as far as you could tell, everything was going great.
You were spending tons of time together. You had an amazing “connection”. And you KNEW that his feelings for you were real.
He might have even said the “L” word to you more than a few times.
LOVE.
But for some reason, he just pulled away one day. And it left you breathless and without a clue as to what had just happened.
As the smoke cleared… and you started thinking back on it, you remembered that his behavior HAD changed awhile back.
And when it first did, it worried you. Actually, it worried you a lot. But you tried to ignore it.
And when you did say something to him about it, after it had been “eating at you” for a while, it only seemed to make things between you worse.
And he certainly didn’t agree with or understand where you were coming from or what you were upset about or afraid of.
So you tried to put it out of your mind and forget about it and hoped that it would just “go away” on its own.
But the more you did this, the more upset and frustrated you got, because you STILL felt like something wasn’t quite rightn underneath the surface.
Something was going on inside him. Something was making him withdraw from you physically and emotionally.
Something had happened… and he was feeling and acting differently with you as a result.
Something was wrong and you just couldn’t put your finger on what it was.
And THAT is when things started to go from bad to worse, and you started to feel and act OUT OF CONTROL.
The thoughts and feelings you were having overwhelmed you with FEAR.
FEAR that he might not find you as attractive as he used to.
FEAR that maybe there was someone else he was interested in.
And ultimately, the FEAR that he was getting ready to leave you… and you would lose him…forever.
So, to try and combat this fear, you started to act in ways that you NEVER would have acted otherwise. Ways that even YOU didn’t like about yourself, and are probably even a little bit ashamed to admit to now.
You started to see that even though it was something you saw going on with HIM that was at the root of the problem… YOU were the one who was reacting in ways that were tearing your relationship apart.
YOU couldn’t let go of the fear that was filling up inside you.
And as a result, you shut yourself off from him and from the pain to try and protect yourself.
But he wasn’t able to pull you up from this place of anxiety and frustration by reassuring you and giving you more love and understanding. And things eventually got even worse as he pulled further way.
In a way, your feelings and actions actually caused the final breakup that you had feared to begin with.
Does this situation sound familiar to you?
Have you ever felt so out of control or overwhelmed with a man that you ended up actually helping along the very situation you feared most?
Such as him LEAVING.
When a man that you’re with starts to act “differently”… maybe he seems less interested in you, or doesn’t want to talk as much, or starts hanging out with his friends more, it can be very scary.
Immediately you think to yourself “What did I do to make him upset or angry?” or “How can I ‘get him back’ close to me again?”
That’s only natural and understandable.
However acting out in a negative, emotionally charged way only sets off a severe reaction where you might begin to act or think in destructive ways.
Some women even try and “pre-empt” the pain or fear that they feel by replacing it with their own withdrawal behavior.
Here are 3 of the most common ways women let fear get the better of them and end up making men want to pull away:
1. Becoming intensely negative, and accusing a man of abandoning them or wanting to leave when he acts “distant”.
2. Finding ways to hurt or reject the man they’re with inside the relationship before he can hurt THEM (this might include belittling, name calling, “nagging”)
3. Acting out in ways that are sure to destroy the relationship… such as cheating.
If you’ve seen other women go through this, or you’ve done these yourself, then you already KNOW that these ways of dealing with problems, fear, or insecurity only get you farther away from what you want - love and a more secure relationship.
And sure, there’s almost nothing more frustrating than being dedicated and committed to a relationship, and then seeing that the other person isn’t as committed as you are. You might find yourself SO hurt or afraid because of this, that YOU become the one whose emotions and behavior push you even farther apart.
It’s enough to make you feel hopeless sometimes.
Like you’ll NEVER have a real and loving relationship.
Well, the reality is there’s something you CAN do that’s CERTAIN to get rid of the fears and insecurities that drive you and a man apart during the most critical of times.
I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
12 comments ↓
CC,
I’ve learned through many bad experiences that if a guy has started to back off a little, following a really nice succession of times together, it more often means he’s recharging his batteries by focusing on work and other hobbies he put aside for me.
It doesn’t necessarily mean he has gotten bored of me or that he wants to end anything. If anything, he may just want some space to sort out his emotions. Being close to me might have made him feel like he was losing his independence, even if during that time, he was obviously having fun with me.
Ladies, don’t worry if the guy wants a break now and then. You should learn to take them for yourself as well, because you’ll see each other again, and have more to talk about! Don’t get mad at him for needing this down time, and he will appreciate you more for having a spirited, cheerful individuality.
This IS, after all, probably what made him like you in the first place!
I could not agree with you more Kim! I wondered why the guy I was with all of sudden wanted to “date” rather then be “boyfriend/girlfriend” anymore. I know we rushed into things. (He asked me to be his boyfriend on the second date….) and two months later the “romance” was over and he was confused. of his emotions, and trying to take things slower, day by day. And see where it led. I think our initial chemistry was all built on lust, and once that was over—we had some down time. About a month ago when it happened I was heart broken over it and told him not to call me and i wanted to see what ‘better” was out there. Needless to say it’s been a month. I went out on dates with two other guys. Worked really hard. Got a raise, and moving into a new apt. I had hoped he would call and see how the “job” was going? apt hunt? and so on but he never did. I would have liked to at least shared those things as a friend and not as lover anymore.
you think i could call him to be friends? i’m past the disappointment and moved on to find better. but i gotta admit i missed having him around as a friend sometimes. I don’t know many people at all and it was nice to have someone to talk to about similiar things and were the same age?
what do you think?
Thank you
Krista
nope… take what you experienced and walk away. There are other guys out there you will meet. Begin loving Yourself as much as you want to be loved.. view men as add-ons to what you already have ( yourself, you cute thing), and realize you possess something that can never be taken away from you. Your love.
this book is amazing.when I started dating this guy,i did everything the book told me to.I acted more “never-minded” than i did when i was in other relationships.I had my own friends & my own life.I just let things “go-with-the-flow” instead of wanting to know where this relationship was heading.We ‘did’ more & “spoke” less,(yet we had a wonderful communication).He loved what he “felt” when h was with me.Strangely enough,this is what attrated me to him more.today we are going out for over a year,(& still going strong).Thanx so much Christian
This is to Krista:
I wish I could strongly advise you to call him and ask how he’s doing as a friend, but let’s presume he knows how to reach you, so if he is not doing that, either he thinks you don’t want to (the thought of which probably makes YOU feel compelled to tell him you DO want to), or he’s moved on and can’t deal with rerunning anything.
He may not know how to be friends at this point, so I’d at least give yourself time to heal. Then, maybe in a few months to a half a year, by all means say ‘hi, how have you been?’ .. at THAT point, how he responds will tell you all you need to know.
Hugz,
Kim
um yeah i have a question there is this guy i have been hanging with for the past month and hes very shy but would always stare at me when i was with friends or when i was hangin gwith them in the gym, i have hung out with his friends he has hung out with mine, um… but still hes seems very awkward still pro just getting to know them. Today i notice that he was pulling away a bit, i mean he use to email me all the time he hardly does anymore, and now hardly callss, but i talk to him, frequently but i am trying to distance myself so he would come back. I know he is starting to pull away. what do i do? give him the space he needs? i think that is my gut reaction right now.
I met a man about a year and half ago. He told me that he had a really bad break-up and was even engaged at one time. We hit it off immediately,and things were going great for a while, and suddenly he started calling less and spending less time with me. I couldn’t figure out the problem, so I asked where he saw us going on from here. His answer was he needed more time to process what I told him. Now, he ignores my phone calls and I stopped calling him altogether. It’s going on a month since I last talked to him. What could be going on?
As long as you’re not looking for love or security from this man, I don’t see a problem in calling him. Everything you need can be and is found within yourself. Accept & yourself with all of your imperfections, bcause they’re an important part of who you are. Go on. I dare you to feel all that love and security that comes from yourself. Afterwards, ask yourself whether you really need this man for ANYTHING at all.
Best
HI if a man leaves you after couple months or more and never call s again dont get in touch he’ll hurt you again even a s a friend
He’ll never make a good friend because you cant rely on him he’ll disappear int o thin air again when u need him
my guy treated me great, introduced me to his family and friends as his girlfriend, but didn’t spend much time with me. as much as i was deeply attracted and connected to him, the frustration of not much time together started getting to me and i broke it off. i wish i had been less focused on time, and more on quality. i asked him to a movie and he said, ‘i’ll let you know…’ what do you think is going on?
This message is to Erin. God, women can be so dumb (no real offense intended)… No, don’t pull away or ignore him. If a guy pulls away it is either because
1) he is genuinely not interested - if this is the case, you have very little chance of convincing him otherwise
or
2) the more likely, especially in your situation: he feels that you don’t like him.
After making such an effort to spend time with you (sending you many emails, etc) and not getting you to reciprocate his feelings, he feels hurt and rejected. He is literally on the rebound. After feeling hurt and rejected for a certain ammount of time, he will get over you completely and go after another woman. My advice to you: if you have genuine feelings for him, tell him! TELL HIM TELL HIM TELL HIM! Literally throw yourself at him. Not sexually, but emotionally. Let him know that you want him. Not through flirtation and ‘feminine wiles’; that will make him trust you less. Be direct. Be honest. If you continue to be aloof, you will loose him completely.
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