Entries from August 2007 ↓

Have you ever had a man break up with you or pull away all of a sudden?

And then not had a clue as to what caused it to happen?

Because as far as you could tell, everything was going great.

You were spending tons of time together. You had an amazing “connection”. And you KNEW that his feelings for you were real.

He might have even said the “L” word to you more than a few times.

LOVE.

But for some reason, he just pulled away one day. And it left you breathless and without a clue as to what had just happened.

As the smoke cleared… and you started thinking back on it, you remembered that his behavior HAD changed awhile back.

And when it first did, it worried you. Actually, it worried you a lot. But you tried to ignore it.

And when you did say something to him about it, after it had been “eating at you” for a while, it only seemed to make things between you worse.

And he certainly didn’t agree with or understand where you were coming from or what you were upset about or afraid of.

So you tried to put it out of your mind and forget about it and hoped that it would just “go away” on its own.

But the more you did this, the more upset and frustrated you got, because you STILL felt like something wasn’t quite rightn underneath the surface.

Something was going on inside him. Something was making him withdraw from you physically and emotionally.

Something had happened… and he was feeling and acting differently with you as a result.

Something was wrong and you just couldn’t put your finger on what it was.

And THAT is when things started to go from bad to worse, and you started to feel and act OUT OF CONTROL.

The thoughts and feelings you were having overwhelmed you with FEAR.

FEAR that he might not find you as attractive as he used to.

FEAR that maybe there was someone else he was interested in.

And ultimately, the FEAR that he was getting ready to leave you… and you would lose him…forever.

So, to try and combat this fear, you started to act in ways that you NEVER would have acted otherwise. Ways that even YOU didn’t like about yourself, and are probably even a little bit ashamed to admit to now.

You started to see that even though it was something you saw going on with HIM that was at the root of the problem… YOU were the one who was reacting in ways that were tearing your relationship apart.

YOU couldn’t let go of the fear that was filling up inside you.

And as a result, you shut yourself off from him and from the pain to try and protect yourself.

But he wasn’t able to pull you up from this place of anxiety and frustration by reassuring you and giving you more love and understanding. And things eventually got even worse as he pulled further way.

In a way, your feelings and actions actually caused the final breakup that you had feared to begin with.

Does this situation sound familiar to you?

Have you ever felt so out of control or overwhelmed with a man that you ended up actually helping along the very situation you feared most?

Such as him LEAVING.

When a man that you’re with starts to act “differently”… maybe he seems less interested in you, or doesn’t want to talk as much, or starts hanging out with his friends more, it can be very scary.

Immediately you think to yourself “What did I do to make him upset or angry?” or “How can I ‘get him back’ close to me again?”

That’s only natural and understandable.

However acting out in a negative, emotionally charged way only sets off a severe reaction where you might begin to act or think in destructive ways.

Some women even try and “pre-empt” the pain or fear that they feel by replacing it with their own withdrawal behavior.

Here are 3 of the most common ways women let fear get the better of them and end up making men want to pull away:

1. Becoming intensely negative, and accusing a man of abandoning them or wanting to leave when he acts “distant”.

2. Finding ways to hurt or reject the man they’re with inside the relationship before he can hurt THEM (this might include belittling, name calling, “nagging”)

3. Acting out in ways that are sure to destroy the relationship… such as cheating.

If you’ve seen other women go through this, or you’ve done these yourself, then you already KNOW that these ways of dealing with problems, fear, or insecurity only get you farther away from what you want - love and a more secure relationship.

And sure, there’s almost nothing more frustrating than being dedicated and committed to a relationship, and then seeing that the other person isn’t as committed as you are. You might find yourself SO hurt or afraid because of this, that YOU become the one whose emotions and behavior push you even farther apart.

It’s enough to make you feel hopeless sometimes.

Like you’ll NEVER have a real and loving relationship.

Well, the reality is there’s something you CAN do that’s CERTAIN to get rid of the fears and insecurities that drive you and a man apart during the most critical of times.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

I’ve got a fascinating story for you.

Tell me if it sounds familiar…

You’re hanging out talking with some friends, when all of a sudden the conversation turns to a common topic - love and relationships.

And each woman at the table starts talking about the situation she’s in and all the amazing things about it.

At first you’re enjoying the stories and you’re happy for your friends.

But then it hits you…

You are the only person there who ISN’T in an ongoing positive relationship.

Everyone else at the table has someone in their life who they’re excited and optimistic about.

Everyone else has something “real”.

Everyone except you.

You’re ALONE… and that guy who you “date”, without the relationship going anywhere, well - he doesn’t cut it.

So you stop for a second and think,

“Maybe it’s me…”

“Maybe it’s not all because of the way men are, but how I am. That explains why I don’t have real love in my life.”

As you think about this for a second, you can’t help but feel a little lonely all of a sudden, and a small twinge of sadness wells up inside.

But as these feelings start to grow, you know inside that you deserve better, and you wish the feeling would just go away.

But it doesn’t… and the last thing you want to do is “go there” in front of your friends.

Especially since they just got through telling all of their great stories.

You don’t want them to know how you really feel right now… and you wish this feeling and problem would just go away.

You think to yourself:

“Why does love and a relationship with a man have to be so difficult?”

“If only men weren’t so difficult to be with.”

But then your “protective” side kicks in, and you start fighting these feelings and tell yourself:

“I don’t need a man.”

“I’m happy with my life as it is.”

“I’m happy to be single and focus on myself right now, instead of wasting my time and energy in a dead-end situation with a man.”

“Men are all screwed up and trouble anyways, and I don’t need that in my life right now.”

Ahhhh… it starts to work and you calm down and regain your “cool”.

But somewhere deep down inside, you know why you felt sad -

Seeing all your friends happy in their love lives reminded you of something…

For all the reasons you have to be happy, and all the ways you can convince other people (and yourself) that you’re fulfilled, you REALLY DO want something much, much better.

You want a REAL CONNECTION.

You want to share REAL LOVE and BE LOVED.

And you wonder how long you can avoid the reality that these things are MISSING from your life by staying busy and taking care of other areas of life.

You know you can’t go on this way forever.

Something has to change.

There HAS to be something better out there for you. Or else what’s it all for?

But then you remember…

It’s been months, maybe even years, since you’ve actually made the time and space in your life to meet and connect with the kind of man who could bring great things back into your love life.

And in fact, the idea of “dating” sounds like a complete and utter NIGHTMARE.

Sitting through a date listening to some bozo, who has no idea how to really connect with you, ramble on about himself, would just make you feel even more hopeless and alone.

So you’ve basically shut out of your life, the idea of dating and going out with men, for more than friendship.

But then how are you supposed to meet and connect with a great guy?

And how did EVERYONE ELSE around you manage to become CLOSE and COMMITTED with a good guy, while you’re having an impossible time finding a guy who isn’t totally clueless?

Do they know something you don’t?

Are you just UNLUCKY in love… and not meant to have a great relationship for yourself?

Are they somehow more attractive than you are?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

And why does it have to be such a “game”?

***End of story**

Ok, I know I got a little “heavy” on you there, but it’s for your own good.

This story is basically a myth… a collection of common situations, fears, beliefs, etc. that women experience.

And in case you didn’t notice, a lot of what was going on here in the story had to do with a woman’s own limiting thoughts, frustrations and negative beliefs about men, dating and relationships.

If you identified with a few of these thoughts, fears, etc. then I want you to recognize something…

Some women have VERY FEW of these negative and limiting thoughts.

While other women have TONS.

I’m talking 10, 20, 30 and 50 times a day here.

And what do you think that does for a woman?

Or for you?

Let’s try something new today - an exercise.

Take a second and imagine something for me…

Picture in your mind a woman you know who’s either single or in a “troubled” relationship.

Make sure you have a clear picture of her in your mind.

Now I want you to imagine her having negative thoughts and fears like the ones we’ve been talking about here.

In fact, I also want you to give her some of the fears and negative thoughts that you have.

And now… concentrate on how these thoughts make her FEEL and ACT.

See how they affect her emotions, her attitude and even her body language.

I’ll give you a second to picture this clearly in your mind…

Ok, now imagine something comes up for her ‘uncertain situation’ with the man in her life.

Picture her emotions, her thoughts and how she communicates to the man in her life, in your head.

I’ll give you a second to think about this and imagine it happening in your mind.

…

…

I’ll give you another minute.

Ok, come on back.

Now, I want you to answer a question for me -

How did all of her negative thoughts affect how she interacted with her guy?

Did they help guide her to positive and constructive communication that brought them CLOSER together?

Or did it tend to make communication with him MORE DIFFICULT and create DISTANCE?

I’m sure you came up with all kinds of fascinating insights and realizations, but here’s what I want you to see here…

Communicating from a place of fear and insecurity with a man will more often create DISTANCE than it will bring you and a man together.

Unless the guy you’re with is ALREADY an expert at communicating and dealing with these thingshimself, and who keeps your fears from coming between you both.

If only men were experts when it came to having open, lasting relationships and communicating in ways that would bring you closer, right?

Wouldn’t that be nice.

Well, the truth is men are RARELY experts in these areas.

And sure… a man COULD come along and be such a wonderful and amazing guy that he would help make relationships and communicating easier.

But if that doesn’t happen, or the great guy you do find doesn’t happen to have these natural skills and abilities (and by the way, most men don’t)…

Then guess what?

It’s up to YOU.

He’s not going to make it work FOR YOU.

In fact, the reality is that as you are first becoming close with a man, he’s more likely to trigger your own fears than to help resolve them.

I’m not telling you about this right now just because I’m trying to teach you some “mumbo jumbo” about how thoughts, energy and intention work together…

…which they do.

But for another simple reason -

There’s something you can do right now to DRAMATICALLY improve the level of connection and intimacy you have in your love life.

It all starts in one place.

Paying attention to HOW YOU THINK.

On a basic level, your own patterns of THINKING and FEELING lead to the ACTIONS you take and the BEHAVIOR you display.

And guess what can create a “negative filter” on your THINKING and FEELINGS?

FEAR.

And if you’re finding that your actions and behaviors aren’t “naturally” attracting good men and creating healthy long term relationships…then you’ve got something to look at right now -

Your own thoughts and emotions, and your own fears.

And, of course, you could worry about HIS ISSUES too, but let’s save working on him for later when you’re up to speed on all this for yourself.

GETTING PAST FEAR, “CONNECTING” ON A DEEP LEVEL, AND MAKING MEN ADDICTED TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP…

Ok, let’s get to some real ANSWERS here.

What do you DO when you have negative, fearful, limiting thoughts and situations going on in your mind that are affecting your love life?

Well, I’m not going to tell you that all women who are single or in “dead-end” relationships are in that place in their life JUST BECAUSE they think and feel in “fear-based” and “self-limiting” ways.

But do the math.

What kind of women do you think men “naturally” gravitate towards?

What kind of women do you think men “instinctively” feel good when they’re around, even if they don’t know why?

What kind of women do you think men understand, on a subconscious level and make great long term partners?

Right again.

Women who are in CONTROL of their own fears and emotions when it comes to men, dating and relationships.

Why?

It’s NOT because feelings and emotions are themselves bad…

Feelings and emotions are probably the most beautiful part of what makes us human and allows us to experience the world in a deep and meaningful way.

But, what I’m talking about here is NEGATIVE feelings.

Because negative feelings, more often than not, lead to NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES.

And women who are in CONTROL of their EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES and who have a handle on their own emotional state, know how to do something that other women can’t and will never be able to fake…

They know how to consistently create more POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES with men.

On one level, it really is that simple.

In practice, it’s much harder.

The truth is that men are attracted to one woman and not another largely because of the way that one woman makes them FEEL.

And NOT because of what logically sound qualities each person and the relationship has.

ATTRACTION and CONNECTION have their own “logic”.

I’ll say it again so you can really hear it this time -

A man is attracted to a woman and wants to be with her, and only her, because of the way he FEELS when he’s around her.

And not for any other reason.

Not even if the women is the most loving, caring, sweet, generous, and intelligent woman in
the world.

I’m even going to “translate” this for you so you’re sure to start seeing it more clearly -

Translation: The emotional experiences that a man has when he’s around a woman are the single most powerful reasons why he either wants a long term relationship, or doesn’t.

And to make this even more clear, let me tell you what this DOESN’T mean…

It DOESN’T mean that a man wants to be with a woman because he VALUES a relationship and having true love in his life.

Or that a woman can be so good to a man and do so many loving and generous things for him that he recognizes the LOGICAL value of staying with her and makes the “right” decision.

Feelings and emotions have their own logic, which has NOTHING to do with what makes “sense” or what is “fair”.

And the sooner you accept this as true about men, the easier EVERYTHING in your love life and relationship will become.

CREATING A DEEP LEVEL OF “EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION” THAT WILL LEAD TO A LASTING RELATIONSHIP

So how do you make a man FEEL when he’s around you?

What are the conscious and subconscious emotional reactions and responses he’s likely to be having with you, based on your emotions and your behavior?

Take a minute and think about it.

..

..

Here’s the bottom line…

A woman who can communicate to a man on a deeper level that she’s AWARE and IN CONTROL of her own experience and “emotional” state will make a man feel INTENSE ATTRACTION for her on that same emotional level.

She’s an “emotionally attractive” woman, which can tell a man all kinds of things about her BEYOND the PHYSICAL ATTRACTION and interest he might have.

On the other hand…

Women who DON’T have a handle on these things have quite a different affect on men -

These women can still usually make men feel PHYSICAL ATTRACTION… but they often set off all kinds of conscious and subconscious “warning signals” in a man’s mind.

Signals that then become FEELINGS and EMOTIONS inside the man that tells him to RUN.

And under no circumstance commit himself and attach his emotional experience to hers.

Here’s the strangest part about women who send off these “warning signals” to men…

Most women do this largely BY ACCIDENT.

That’s right. Lots of women actually trigger negative responses inside a man’s mind while doing things they think are FOR THE GOOD of the relationship.

How’s that for COUNTERPRODUCTIVE?

And hey… I know it might bother you to hear some of what I’m saying… and that you probably have been more caring and generous with your thoughts and emotions in your past situations with men than they were with you.

I get that.

But someone needs to tell you how men really and truly think when it comes to women and relationships.

And of course men have their own specialized set of “baggage” and fears too.

But let me ask you…

What do you know, FROM EXPERIENCE, will happen if a man doesn’t deal with his own fears about women and relationships?

DISASTER.

I’m talking withdrawal, break-ups, cheating, lying, etc.

The list goes on.

But if a guy takes the time and develops the “emotional maturity” to think about the negative and limiting fears HE HAS about women and relationships…

And finds a healthy level of AWARENESS and CONTROL around these…

Then this is the kind of guy that women will “naturally” be drawn to and enjoy being with.

Your first step to creating a situation with a man where you BOTH feel the level of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION that will create and support a LASTING RELATIONSHIP is to accept that MEN DON’T MAKE SENSE.

Why?

Because remember, our EMOTIONS don’t follow a logical or “rational” path.

And best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

I just recently started reading your articles and love them. But I have a situation of my own I feel extremly confused about. My boyfriend and I started dating around the end of March and things were great, but we were just dating as I was scared to take it to the next level because I didn’t want to become attached and get hurt. He introduced me to his family and everything. Then around the end of August we stopped seeing each other because he felt we should go our seperate ways. After about a month and a half he called me amd said he wanted to be with me and start a relaionship. I was weary on that but I went for it and became his girlfriend. Things were great, he was calling me all the time, wanting me around all the time, asked me to move in (I didnt though), told me he loved me, and that he wanted a family.

But in this last month (Oct.) he started pushing me away, not calling me, one time I texted him a message on the phone (trying to be cute) and asked how much do you love me? He never answered, so I asked him what was up and he said ” whats with all the pressure? Just know that I care about you.” It was weird because he used to say it. Anyways he just keeps pushing me away and blowing me off. I’ve asked him whats going on with this relationship, and whether he wants to be with me or not, and he never gives me an answer. He just says I’ll call you tomorrow. I want to be with him I just dont know what’s happening. It really hurts. I dont know what I did. Can you try to give me some answers?

Ouch.

I know your situation is endlessly frustrating and seems impossible to understand… as I’ve seen TONS of women go through or tell me about a very similar experience with a man.

Why is it that men will act distant with you to the point where a break up happens… only to come back and act amazing for a little while, and THEN go back to being the same old distant and uncertain man?

After he pursues you and you start getting comfortable and open up your feelings and emotions again, he starts pulling away.

And he tells you things like, “you are putting too much pressure on me”.

“I need more space.”

“Things are moving too fast.”

Or he doesn’t say anything at all. He just calls less, or stops calling all together.

Or he acts busy. When he is with you, you don’t feel like he is really “with” you.

And when you try to talk about all of this and get back to a better place where you’re both close and having some EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, he reacts like you’re laying some guilt trip or some heavy burden on him… and he backs off even further.

What’s happening here?

Why is this common with men?

And why can trying to get a man to open up and communicate actually drive him away?

To explain why this is with men, let me ask you a question…

When you are feeling upset about something, do you call up close girlfriends to talk it over and work out the best thing to do?

Like most women, you often do this.

Now ask yourself…

How many MEN do you know call up their close guy friends to share their feelings and get advice for what’s going on in their life and relationships?

Not many.

It’s just not part of the way they deal with emotions and relationships in their lives.

Most men spend less time “analyzing” all the specifics in their relationships… and they generally have a more personal and internal way of dealing with or “processing” their feelings. (Yes, men do have feelings after all)

But in case you haven’t noticed, men don’t find the same clarity and comfort in analyzing and sharing their feelings in the way most women do.

In fact, often times, doing so can actually make a man feel “drained” instead.

I think deep down somewhere you recognize this. Part of you knows men are different in this way. But another part of you fears or resents this because it can make a man seem “unengaged” or shut off from his feelings.

And that can spell BAD NEWS for women in relationships where they feel UNCERTAIN.

Here’s my point…

Considering all this about how men and women can be different, how do you think a man is going to react when a woman calls him and she’s upset and deep into her own “analysis” of their relationship and wants to talk?

Sure, it would be great if a man was completely open and receptive to all the feelings you were having, but that’s not how most men will respond in this situation.

Instead, a man will either respond negatively to your emotions, or he won’t respond much at all and seem even more distant.

Arggggh! Frustrating, right?

Let me quickly cut to the chase about what’s going on here…

What makes a woman feel closer and more connected to a man often has the OPPOSITE affect for a man.

It seems unfair, doesn’t it?

But as much as it might be, that’s how things work. It’s the REALITY.

Now, there are about 50 things I could tell you about how men are at fault and create these problems for themselves and for you in your relationship.

But the reality is that you’ve already spent hours thinking about this before and have a lot of your own ideas about this.

That’s why I’m NOT going to talk about what’s going on with men here and what to do about helping them “get with the program”.

Right now we’re going to talk about YOU.

Why?

Because thinking about YOURSELF is the first step towards real GROWTH and AWARENESS in EVERY RELATIONSHIP you have in your life.

You could spend days, weeks, months or years worrying about a man, what he thinks, and why he does the things he does.

But if you want to be smart…

And you want relationships to start “working” for you, instead of seeming like a never-ending source of frustration and disappointment trying to get a man to make the relationship work…

Then you’ll make sure you have things handled for yourself first.

And that way you’ll have the CERTAINTY that only comes from understanding what’s happening in the relationship around you… and what YOU need to do in each situation that comes up with a man, especially in a case like this where you are dealing with an “Emotionally Unavailable” man..

The “Emotionally Unavailable”s man is a man who has one foot in the door.

One moment he may be ready to step into the boat with you…he wants to be with you… he wants to spend all his time with you… and it seems as though he is ready to step into the boat and start on a beautiful journey with both of you together.

Then he stops dead in his tracks and starts thinking about that boat on the pier. That’s solid land. Land he knows how to navigate.

Maybe he’s never been on the boat before or maybe he doesn’t think he has a “map” in order to truly understand where the boat is going. What if their boat hits a rock? What if they get lost on their journey? Maybe stepping back on solid ground that he is familiar with is the only option he sees.

One of the most common, frustrating and destructive things these men do with women in relationships is pull away or completely withdraw emotionally.

If you’ve ever had this happen and it dragged on, even just for a few hours or days, then you know it can feel like a slow “emotional death.”

Your creativity, energy, and passion all start to wither away and you get drawn into some weird “funk.”

Give me a silent nod if you know what I’m talking about and you’ve experienced the negative effects of “emotional withdrawal” with a man before.

Well, there’s something that lots of women don’t recognize that I want to share with you…

It’s strange, kind of bizarre, and hard for lots of women to believe…but it’s something I’ve observed again and again about men.

It’s that when it comes to emotional withdrawal and distance in a relationship, most men DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND what it is… and why it would be such a problem for their relationship.

Ok, let me repeat that.

Some men just plain DON’T GET IT.

And more to the point, don’t want to.

Got it?

Now, why am I telling you this?

Because lots of women get upset when a man withdraws and pays more attention to his favorite sports team, work, or whatever, and they take it personally…as though the man is consciously doing something to ruin the relationship or to REJECT them.

Wrong.

The truth is that lots of men don’t appreciate how important sharing feelings, emotions, and experiences are to a relationship, and to a woman. (Duh!)

Men honor and appreciate other things in relationships. (I’ll get to these later)

So when a great woman comes along that he could have an amazing time with and get close to…

And she starts noticing that he isn’t as “involved” emotionally…

Instead of identifying these for what they are (part of his natural “masculine” tendency to pull away and focus in a less emotionally involved way) she feels rejected, unappreciated or deadened by it.

As I said before, how many men that you know get together with their friends to talk about their feelings and discuss the details and meaning of the relationships in their lives?

Exactly.

That’s why it’s FASCINATING to recognize that lots of men actually value NOT SHARING so much.

They think of themselves as “easygoing” and “laid back”.

Not “detached” or “emotionally unavailable”.

Men who are this way often say or think things like:

“It’s better if we don’t talk about it.”

Or…”Why do you nag me about this stuff?”

Or… “Don’t worry about it so much?”

Sound familiar?

So what’s a woman to do with a man who thinks or talks this way?

Accept that he’ll never open up and share with her?

Resign herself to a life and a relationship without real love and connection?

Dump him and move on?

Well, what I can tell you is that as much as men are different, a man MUST BE willing to be part of the learning process that IS a relationship for love to grow and last.

Translation - if he’s open to learning and growth in some way, then he’s not a lost cause.

Which is why I’ve got two important questions for you-

Question #1. How open to learning and growth is the man in your life?

This is an important question to consider when you’re thinking about the kind of relationship you REALLY and truly want, and if the man you’re interested in is open and willing to have that.

The man you choose can help make all the difference for you.

Question #2. How open are YOU to the idea that YOUR OWN words and behavior often result in a man becoming LESS OPEN to learning and growth with you?

All healthy, mature people in relationships learn to take responsibility for their part in how their partner responds.

As much as men might be less “emotionally involved”, tons of women are blinded to the fact that they create more of the situation they fear most in their relationship - having a man shut off.

When you keep getting a man who shuts off when you try and talk about your feelings, what’s bothering you, or what’s wrong with your relationship… it would be a good idea to take a minute and look at YOUR PART in all of this, and the way you communicate.

There’s a saying I keep coming back to in my life whenever I get into tense situations or conflict in my relationships-

“Communication is the response you get.”

In other words… your own feelings and beliefs are important, but when it comes to sharing them with another person (a man)and getting them to listen and UNDERSTAND you and where you’re coming from…

Then the fact that you might be saying the right thing or speaking the “truth” isn’t what matters. (Not in the short term)

What’s important, if you want to truly connect and experience understanding is making sure that what you communicate gets you the RESPONSE you want. (a man opening up)

Let me take this out of the clouds here and land the plane when it comes to men, dating, and relationships…

What if you knew about how COMMITMENT really works inside a man’s mind and heart… and you had a “map” to get you BOTH to a deeply committed place together in your relationship, without having to come up against all the RESISTANCE and the “make-or-break” issues that men often decide to run away from in relationships?

Would a “map” like this help you feel more comfortable, guide you smoothly through what was coming next with a man, and help you grow CLOSER in your relationship?

Let me ask you a question.

When is the best time to do something about the resistance you might be feeling from your man when it comes to communicating more and moving your relatoinship forward?

Should you wait until he has already started pulling away, growing distant, and resisting your attempts to grow closer?

This is a common mistake women make with men they want to be in a close, connected relationship with.

They wait until things are difficult and intense to try and have the real conversations about who they are, what they want, and where things are going.

And they find out too late where a man is really at, and where he’s really coming from.

It’s CRITICAL to learn to understand a man for who he is and what his patterns, fears, and “hang-ups” are so that you can either address them and move ahead to a deeper level of understanding and commitment…

Or so you can be clear about the fact that he needs to deal with these for himself BEFORE you give him more of your time and energy.

Identifying what kind of “resistance” you’re going to have in your relationship before it comes up is what’s going to help you create the situation you’ve always known is possible in your love life… and make it LAST.

Of course, once you start to put together the puzzle pieces and raise your AWARENESS about your relationship and the man you’re with… from there you still need to know how to grow closer and become more committed over time. Instead of growing apart like so many couples end up doing.

There are LOTS of different levels of commitment, and monogamy is just one of them.

Committing to honesty is another.

And committing to an emotionally close and intimate relationship regardless of external events is yet another.

But in order for commitment to last, you need to build it over time, in a natural way that will feel good for you AND for a man too.

The thing is, if you ask the couples you know, or the women who are in committed, loving relationships, you’ll find out that they didn’t just “arrive” there.

Sure, once in a while there is that “ideal” couple who fall deep into love right off the bat and it’s all easy from there on out.

But more often than not, this isn’t how things work with a man.

Most couples have to find their own unique way of getting to a close, committed place together… and the man and the woman in a couple have their own individual paths, challenges, fears and levels of RESISTANCE around commitment.

Unfortunately, when it comes to a LASTING COMMITMENT, this uncertain, chaotic, “take-it-as-it-comes” approach ends up failing a majority of the time.

Once you are no longer UNCERTAIN about what’s going on with a man and WHY he’s acting the way he is, you’ll be filled with more confidence and understanding and learn how to best help your relationship grow… or see that it’s not going to give you what you want and help you end it.

I want you to get ready for the kind of certainty you never thought was possible in your love life.

I’m talking about having the man in your life COMMIT to MORE than a relationship - but committing to YOU, and to HIMSELF, on an physical and emotional level to make the relationship loving and lasting.

I’m talking about how a man commits to being OPEN with you, and to staying that way.

I’m talking about how a man commits to being there for you when you need SUPPORT… instead of being with you just to have a woman in his life and get all the “benefits” he wants.

I’m talking about how a man commits to handling tough emotional situations, and learns how to stop withdrawing and listen… instead of trying to “fix” the problem or you all the time.

I’m talking about how a man commits to addressing and dealing with HIS OWN fears and issues in a healthy way… and instead of blaming you or wanting to get away, wanting you to be involved and close with you.

This is the kind of commitment I’m talking about.

The only kind of commitment that will LAST.

If you want to create and experience the CERTAINTY that is possible with a growing committed relationship, then there has to be awareness, a clear plan, and a “strategy” for getting to that open, loving, and committed place TOGETHER.

You know this is possible, because you’ve seen other men and women find this together.

And you know that even if they love each other, it wasn’t always easy.

Why can’t YOU have this too?

You can.

And it can even be easier and more certain for you… if you know how.

It’s time to throw away all the confusion that comes from the poor relationship “models” in your life- like some of your friends or family.

Most women don’t have any mature men in their lives to look at and see how a real man becomes and stays in love and deeply committed.

But they could sure use one and learn from it.

That’s what I’m here to help with…

It’s time to “clean the slate” and start learning WHAT REALLY WORKS when it comes to creating a healthy, lasting and COMMITTED situation with a real man.

And once you start to understand this and apply the lessons in your love life, EVERYTHING will quickly begin to change.

The first change you’ll experience when you learn how commitment actually works FOR A MAN will be that it doesn’t take so much struggle and “convincing” a man to stay or open up when he’s excited to be with you because he feels understood in the same way you want to be.

And as a result, he will finally be the one who is “engaged” in your relationship, asking you to do things, making sure to care and support you… and leading your relationship forward.

This kind of behavior is not only possible with a man in a relationship, it’s guaranteed to take place if you can make a man FEEL, on his own and for his own reasons, that you are the woman he wants to COMMIT to.

I want to show you how you can have the man in your life feel this way with you.

And part of that will come from you getting to know and learn WHAT’S COMING NEXT in your relationship with a man, and how to respond to a man in a way that brings you closer… instead of pushing you both apart.

When you know what’s coming, and you know how to deal with it to stay close and connected with a man… it’s like the world has become a different place.

I want you to stop asking a man where he’s at, what he’s thinking, and what’s going on. And not because it won’t matter, but because YOU’LL KNOW after going through this program and using the ideas, strategies, and tools I’m going to share with you.

(Hint: Asking a man questions about what is going on, when he likely doesn’t know or can’t put the pieces together for you is NOT the best way of finding things out!)

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Are you tired of not being able to say what it is you’re thinking or feeling to the man in your life?

Would you like to know how men think about situations with women, what works, what doesn’t, and why… and then learn how to apply this directly to the way you and a man talk with each other?

Now, let me ask you…

Do you ever get the feeling that the way you and a man communicate about real things in your relationship pushes you both farther apart… instead of bringing you closer?

Why does this happen?

Is it because you want a better relationship, but he doesn’t?

Is it because you aren’t saying the right words?

Or is it because of something else?

The truth is, there are no “magic words” to say to a man in a relationship.

Just like there isn’t some “pick-up line” a guy can use with you that will instantly make you feel differently about him.

The point is… when it comes to how people communicate, there’s a whole lot more going on than the WORDS you say.

And when it comes to love and relationships,magnify that times 100.

Here’s the reality…

There’s a difference between what SHOULD bring you closer and help you become more secure with a man… and what DOES bring you and a man closer.

Most women approach conversations with men, both when dating and in relationships, by trying to talk and say the things that would work FOR THEM.

For example, you believe that sharing your feelings and emotions SHOULD get a man to respond in kind, and listen.

And why not?

That’s what you do with your girlfriends all the time.

The more you share emotions and feelings with other women, the more connected you feel.

It’s not rocket-science that things work differently with a man.

But it is the case that VERY FEW women can tell you how to make a man feel open, honest, and genuinely excited and inspired to communicate with you in a real, lasting, long-term relationship.

In fact, quite the opposite is true if you ask men…

Lots of men feel “drained”, overwhelmed, or irritated by the kind of communication they share with the woman in their life.

Even if they love and respect the woman they’re with.

Say what!?

But how could this be?

You know this could be true, because you probably feel this way with the man in your life right now too - you love him, but the communication you share isn’t going to lead to either of you being happy, or a secure and fulfilling relationship.

It’s hard to finally come to these kinds of realizations… but when you do there is a ton of POWER and GROWTH in them that move you and everything in your life forward.

Including your relationship…

Here’s a realization it’s time for you to have right now…

The truth is that if right now you and the man in your life don’t:

A) have the kind of connection that allows you to be honest with how you feel

B) talk about important aspects of your relationship without the fear of making things worse

C) say things to each other that aren’t easy to say but need to be said

… then it’s time you stopped living the “surface” love life you’re living.

It’s time you gave yourself, and the man in your life, the gift of being able to communicate in a way that will allow for real GROWTH.

One of the biggest challenges in any real, lasting, loving relationship is for both people to be able GROW inside the relationship as partners… AND grow outside the relationship as INDIVIDUALS.

A relationship with only one of these areas of growth has little or no hope of being secure or lasting.

Do you know how to communicate with a man, and get him to communicate with you, in a way that creates both of these kinds of growth?

(Hint- most women like to think they know how because they are able to share their feelings… but this isn’t what creates growth with a man)

That’s why it’s time to stop trying what you think good communication is… and start learning and using WHAT WORKS with a man.

One of the most important secrets you’ll ever learn about communicating and building a secure and honest relationship is that there are ALWAYS two sides to every story.

In fact, there are usually more than two sides to any story.

If you don’t learn how to understand the story that a man is experiencing… and what’s going on inside HIS mind and heart… then odds are you’re NEVER going to be able to have that deep emotional “bond” in the way that you both communicate.

And you’re never going to get that same kind of understanding back from a man either.

It doesn’t seem fair, but the world works in mysterious ways.

If you want a man to open up and talk with you in a way that he’s probably never done before with any other woman - then you’re going to have to be able to communicate with him first in a way that let’s him know you’re not like any of the other women he’s been with.

I know this sounds like a lot of work and responsibility… but the beauty is this:

1. You’re going to be working towards and wanting a better relationship anyways

2. The more you can understand a man… the more he’s going to give back to you in kind

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.

Christian Carter

I’m going to get right to the point-

When you don’t know how to get a man to communicate openly and honestly with you at all times… it can seem impossible to move past the “guessing game” of dating or a casual relationship.

Here’s why this is so difficult with a man…

If you’re like lots of women I’ve helped, then when you finally choose a man to date, you share your heart, mind, body, and soul.

But isn’t it the worst kind of pain when you find out AFTER THE FACT that the man you’ve shared yourself with isn’t interested in a real future?

That he was only “casually” into being with you, or with any woman.

Or what’s worse… after dating a man for weeks or months you find out that he’s been seeing ANOTHER WOMAN all along?

Aaaarrrrgggggghhhh!

You can’t believe you thought this was something serious and real. Obviously it wasn’t FOR HIM.

Don’t let these painful situations with men cause you to suffer… when there’s a way to COMPLETELY AVOID THEM in the first place.

Would your relationship with a man be more SECURE and fulfilling if you were able to talk with him and know what was really going on in his mind?

Keep reading to learn how to bring a new level of CONFIDENCE and SECURITY to your love life by transforming the way you’re able to COMMUNICATE with a man.

Here’s the first thing you should know…

What grabs a man’s attention, what makes him listen, and what he can understand and relate to when it comes to love and a real relationship is different than what works or makes sense to you as a woman.

Don’t make the mistake of trying to talk to a man, date him, or find ways for you to understand each other or share your thoughts in your relationship by assuming that the way things work for you is the way they are going to work for HIM.

Now, I have a question for you-

When you meet a new guy and you start dating, do you ever feel anxious that you’re going to “mess it up” by doing or saying something wrong?

Do you get upset when a guy hasn’t called you after a few dates, and you wish you knew why and what to do or say about it?

Do you ever worry that since men can be so “fickle” even after you’ve been dating for a while… that all it takes is one bad conversation or emotional exchange for him to lose interest and start acting differently?

If you’ve ever experienced any of the situations above, then you know that feeling you get in your stomach when you start liking a guy but things come to a screeching halt.

All of a sudden, instead of him calling you, asking you out, and showing you that he’s interested and attracted to you… it’s almost like he starts AVOIDING YOU.

And you know that if you stopped making the effort, it would all end that very second.

Do you know what to do and say to a man when this happens if you don’t want things to completely unravel?

For lots of women, they fall into a state of PANIC in their mind… as FEAR AND ANXIETY takes over.

And it’s here that things go from bad to worse as they do some of the universal things that cause a man to lose interest in a woman and walk away.

A few of these common mistakes are:

1. “Losing your cool” emotionally and trying to get what you want by pouting, crying, yelling, or becoming angry and bitter

2. Trying to win him over by PURSUING HIM and doing all kinds of “nice” things to get his attention or approval

3. Working to CONVINCE HIM to want to be with you, and why you’re the best thing for him, and making him see you as too “clingy” or “needy”

Now, to be clear here… I’m not saying that a woman might not be “justified” in losing her cool, or in acting in ways a man who isn’t terribly comfortable sharing his feelings could judge to be “needy”.

What I’m saying is if you’re interested in what a man is thinking or feeling with you, and you want him to FEEL ATTRACTED to you and want to be with you and share his feelings…

Then you need to start thinking about how YOUR BEHAVIOR looks from HIS PERSPECTIVE.

And why the things that YOU do and say cause him to RESPOND the way he does.

Here’s what you need to know right now…

If you “lose your cool” too often with a man, or you act in a way he thinks is too “needy”… guess how it’s going to make him feel?

He’s going to feel the OPPOSITE of ATTRACTED to you.

As in he will actually feel REPELLED by you.

Ummm… not good.

In fact, this is usually the kiss of death with a man if it happens early on.

After a man gets that gut-level negative “Eeeewwww” feeling about a woman…it’s like a door has swung shut and a man will never open it with her again.

Why is this?

The short answer is because when a man sees a woman act this way… unconsciously he stops trusting her.

And when this happens, it’s impossible for a man to open up and share his thoughts or feelings with her in any real way ever again.

Not to mention ever feel an emotional connection or an attraction for her.

Now, as bad as all this is… guess what’s worse?

Most women who end up making these kinds of mistakes have NO CLUE that they’re making these mistakes and shutting the door to a man themselves.

Seriously.

Have you ever called a man, and started talking to him, only to realize that he was in a COMPLETELY different mood than the way he was with you before?

Like he just “turned cold” on you all of a sudden, even though nothing had really happened or changed as far as you knew.

It was almost like you were talking to a completely different guy than then one you were with just a day or two before… and it made no sense.

Actually, it completely FREAKED YOU OUT.

And when you tried to talk about it… it was like that part of him you used to connect with just wasn’t there anymore.

And when you asked him what was wrong, he replied:

“Nothing. Why?”

And that was it.

It was one of those conversations where you could just TELL that something wasn’t right… and that he wasn’t going to be calling you or initiating much of anything with you. Maybe ever again.

And each time you tried to talk to him or communicate with him, it was like he couldn’t get away from you quick enough. Or like he wasn’t even there.

Which just made you feel even more FREAKED OUT and upset.

But the more you felt like he was pulling away and felt rejected by him, the more you couldn’t keep yourself from either emotionally breaking down when you talked to him…

Or trying anything and everything you could think of to make him “into you” again.

But all this you were doing in an attempt to save things only made him want to run even faster away from you.

What’s going on here?

Here’s the deal…

I personally think that these kinds of frustrating situations for women come down to a few key DEEPER ISSUES.

And I think that if you don’t have these other issues “handled”, and you don’t know what to do around a man to break out of the common patterns most women stay trapped in, then you’re going to keep running into the same problems with man after man… and NEVER even know WHY you can’t have the true love in your life you know is possible.

I mean, it’s bad enough to keep having a particular problem with a man… or to suffer from similar problems with several men as a recurring pattern in your love life…

But the reality is that, just like you, most women want true love and security in their love life.

And even though they might have the best of intentions in their actions with a man… they still might NEVER come across the actual solution for being able to connect and communicate with the man in their life and make things work out in the end.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Now, I want you to start thinking about all this in a new way.

Let’s start here…

If you’re wanting to talk to a man, and you’re already feeling anxious, scared, and unsure of what to say and if you’re ever going to be able to get him to respond to you and open up… then there is no “magic pill” to solve your problem.

None of the “right words” are going to make your situation better.

Why?

Because YOU are your own problem - not the words you’re trying to find.

Let me explain…

If you call your man up and you need to talk to him… and you tell him how you feel and that you wish he would open up to you…

And then he says “Look, why don’t we talk later. I’m tired.” and you get that sinking feeling because you know he’s blowing you off…

The reality is that you’re not going to be able to make things better by trying harder or asking him questions more often.

The answer isn’t trying more of the same.

It’s in using a completely different approach and mindset.

HOW TO APPROACH CONVERSATIONS WITH A MAN

So, let’s take a few minutes and talk about why it can be so difficult to communicate with a man.

Here are some of the “root causes”, and how I see them…

1) “Scarcity” Thinking

If you’re dating a man, or in a relationship that’s new, and you have strong feelings for him… it’s easy to start to feel more and more worried and DESPERATE about whether things are “ultimately” going to work out in the long run.

A large part of this comes from your own mindset of “scarcity”.

The more you start to like a guy, the more you start to worry, get nervous, act overly emotional and sensitive, and become less comfortable and confident around him.

On the other hand… it’s probably also very easy to date, have fun, and be your “best self” around guys who you don’t care that much about.

How’s that for twisted irony?

But more importantly, why does this happen?

It comes from the fear that you don’t have any other options… and that you believe that it’s VERY UNLIKELY that a man will ever really like you or love you.

When you feel this intense subtle unconscious fear… it’s THEN that the single man in front of you becomes so precious and valuable that you lose control of your own emotions and your behavior.

Translation: You want it too badly and you start acting “needy” or desperate.

Of course, wanting love isn’t bad.

And wanting a man isn’t bad.

But allowing your negative beliefs about yourself and your future to take over and control you is bad.

What happens is that your emotional system is AUTOMATICALLY triggered in a negative way…because at some level you realize that if you screw this up, it’s all over.

Your emotional system starts to behave like your situation really is life or death.

And with this happening, no matter how hard you try, your fearful and negative emotions are going to show up and TURN HIM OFF in a big way.

2) Wanting A Boyfriend Before You Know The Man

Now, if you have a guy you’ve been dating for six months, and you’ve decided that he’s one in a million, it makes sense to put a lot of importance on your relationship with him.

But, if you don’t know a guy very well, or you haven’t even dated him at all, then you are only setting yourself up for major disappointment by putting too much importance, or your emotional well-being, on how things go with him each day.

When you do this, you’re not actually falling for the real guy in front of you…

You’re falling for the POTENTIAL.

By definition, you’re going to be upset and frustrated when you find out that your IDEAL isn’t REALITY…

And you’re going to start doing and saying things that will frustrate, confuse, or turn a man off simply because he’s not the guy you made him out to be in your own mind.

Even though he might actually be a great guy as he really is.

3) Thinking you can “talk him into loving you”

This is a HUGE issue.

Most women who find themselves having to be the ones to “pursue” the man they desire subconsciously start trying to CONVINCE him that he should feel a certain way about them,and want a certain kind of relationship.

When you think about this, it only makes sense… of course you’d want the man you like to feel the way you do… so he’ll love you back and want to be with you.

But have you ever thought for a moment how an interesting, attractive, indepedendent, successful man sees it when a woman tries to CONVINCE him of how he should feel?

Or what kind of relationship he should want, and when?

Well, here’s the INSTANT and SUBCONSCIOUS response that men have:

“She’s trying too hard. There’s something wrong and I’m starting to not feel the same way I felt when I met her. She’s already acting insecure and she must have something bad going on inside her. I don’t want to get involved if this is how she is.”

In other words, the INSTANT you do something or say something that is an obvious attempt at convincing a man, his radar system screams:

“Needy!”

By the way, there’s a much better way to go about making it so that the man you want has INTENSE FEELINGS and wants to be with you as well-

What do men want and gravitate towards more than anything else when it comes to women?

Women who are ATTRACTIVE.

Instead of trying to talk to a man, or convincing him to be into you… if you can learn how to create the FEELING of ATTRACTION inside of him, you won’t need to do much else besides let him come to you.

4) Communicating Your Expectations In An Accidentally Negative Way

When you start getting your hopes and expectations up, you begin to get ATTACHED to them.

Then you run the risk of HOLDING ON TOO TIGHT to your little fantasy.

Bad idea.

Men don’t date women and feel comfortable and excited to be with them when the woman starts off assuming too much… and turns the time they spend together and their relationship into what feels like a “requirement” or an “obligation”.

Remember, a good guy is used to having women want to become serious with him VERY QUICKLY… even though HIS MIND doesn’t always move at the same pace.

Often times, before a guy has had a chance to know if his relationship with a woman is something he really wants and could last…she’s already getting UPSET that he’s not “ready” the way she is.

In fact, some guys almost EXPECT to date a woman and then have her say, “You know, I’m a little frustrated or bothered by the way you are with me and our relationship…” or some other equally predictable and subtly negative statement.

Just like being desperate can destroy your chances with a man… liking a man too much, too fast and then communicating your own expectations to him through your negative emotions leads to bad outcomes as well.

Now, think over what I just said…

I’m basically saying that if you want to cure the problem of why it can be so hard to talk to a man when you’re dating and about moving things forward… then you have to go INSIDE first and become aware of what’s going on for yourself.

And then see how this affects HIM.

The GOOD NEWS is that doing this kind of “introspection” is not only good for you, it also helps you once you do have a great guy and a real relationship.

So, here’s a few things I’d suggest you try:

1) For Meeting Men & Dating

If you go out one evening with a couple of friends, and you meet a REALLY hot guy… and you wind up having a fun conversation and he asks for your number, what should you do?

Should you start thinking about how great it will be to be with him when you’re in a committed relationship together?

No.

You should remember what we talked about-that often times when you really like a guy and you start filling your head with all kinds of expectations… you not only have a harder time being your “best self” when you’re around him again…

But you often end up acting in ways that turn him off and make him become closed off to the idea of a future with you.

Instead of putting all your “hopes” in this one situation, remember that this is just the start… and that there’s a lot to learn and discover before a relationship could develop. (at least one that would be healthy and “real”)

And of course, it never hurts to keep in mind that other guy you met a while back who you connected with as well.

Think about it… when are you MOST likely to have a man be into you? When are you most likely to be in a great mood that actually ATTRACTS a man?

Exactly… when you’re not WORRIED or NERVOUS about what’s going to happen next.

So take advantage of this time.

2) For Communicating In A Relationship, Or Starting A New One

I have news for you: when you think about something important to you or your relationship for hours or days… and then you finally are with your man and you take everything you’ve thought of and let it out, expecting him to hear you and understand where it’s all coming from….

He’s NOT going to get it or understand you.

Why?

It’s not because he doesn’t care or that he isn’t trying to hear you.

Simply put - you had hours or days or weeks invested in thinking about what’s in YOUR HEAD.

And then you took all that “processing” and thinking and spoke a few words about it to him with the assumption that he’d be able to get exactly what it is you were going through.

WRONG.

Now, are men less than open or receptive to listening sometimes when you share your feelings.

Yes.

But if you want to build a RELATIONSHIP with a man, then you know you’re both going to have to learn about how to connect and share with each other.

He’ll have to learn about how things work for you.

And you’ll have to learn about how things work for him.

If your own thoughts, internal emotions, and YOUR PERSPECTIVE on how things work are trying to run the show…then it’s very likely that you’re not going to get very far in your relationship with a man, and that it’s not going to last too long.

One of the toughest things to do is to actually learn how to take what you think and feel and have someone else not only listen in an open and supportive way… but to actually UNDERSTAND YOU and where you’re coming from.

People spend years or decades studying how to do become strong communicators and relate well to other people.

The sooner you learn what it takes for you to communicate with a man and get the RESPONSE that you want (him being open, supportive, loving, understanding)…

Then the sooner you’re going to be able to start living a fulfilling life and create a great relationship that you can have CONFIDENCE and SECURITY in.

I’ll talk to you again soon… and best of luck in Life and Love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter