Entries from October 2007 ↓

I get a lot of questions from women asking about how to respond to men when things become confusing or uncertain as a relationship is growing closer.

Questions such as…

“What do I do when a guy isn’t calling or initiating things the way he used to?”

Or…

“We’ve been dating for a little while and I know we have a special connection. But when I talked to him about us being something more ’serious’ he freaked out. What should I do now?”

Or…

“How can I talk to a man and have him open up and share what’s going on inside, when he is being more and more distant?”

In fact, these questions might be some of the areas that women want to know about most.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past year or so about what allows some particular women to create a deep level of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with the men in their lives… while other women have little or no success and therefore have trouble when it comes to creating a real, lasting, loving relationship with a man.

I’m talking about the kind of connection that will make the typical challenges other women face with men in relationships feel effortless.

The kind of connection that goes BEYOND PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.

The kind of connection that creates a lasting “emotional bond” that’s deeper than something just sexual.

The kind of connection that tells a man that the woman he’s with is the one and only woman for him… without the woman having to ever say a word to convince him of it to get him to commit.

In other words, I’ve been watching women (and the men they’re with) to see if I could figure out why some women are able to create intense physical AND emotional attachments inside of men…

While other women seem to have little or no luck at this, no matter how hard they want it or try.

I’ve figured out a lot since I started looking at all this. And if you’ve read my eBook, then you’re already familiar with the concept of the “cool girl” that I talk about.

A “cool girl” is a phrase men use with each other when they’re talking about a woman who “naturally” knows how to relate to, respond to and interact with men in a fun and interesting way.

And among men, this carries a lot of power.

You might have noticed that guys will praise their friend if they see that the girl he’s with is a “cool girl”. They’ll encourage him to spend time with her and ask him to bring her around as part of their “inner circle”.

Needless to say, this has a strong conscious and subconscious effect on how a man feels about a woman in his life.

On the other hand…

If a guy’s friends see that the woman their friend is dating ISN’T a “cool girl”, they’ll often make negative remarks to encourage their friend to spend less time with her, and subtly discourage him from committing much of his time or attention to being with her.

After paying more and more attention to this idea that men have of the “cool girl”, I also started to notice something else FASCINATING…

Men can almost instantly know if a woman is or is NOT a “cool girl” just by seeing how she reacts and responds to common social situations.

It’s like they have UN-cool girl radar that will pick up even the slightest signal.

But don’t worry, I’ve also found that you don’t have to be born a “cool girl”.

In fact, it’s something any woman can easily learn if she wants to change her interactions with men for the better.

So let’s talk about how to use the idea of the “cool girl” to have an easier level of connection and open communication with men in your dating life, or in your relationship.

So what is a “cool girl”?

And what is it about a woman who’s “cool” that makes men feel more attracted to her than an “uncool” woman?

Isn’t your love life worth it?

Now, back to the “cool girl” and how men see and respond instantly when they see that a woman thinks and behaves as a cool girl does…

Let me tell you a few quick mini-stories about women I’ve known who were UN-cool to help you see what’s going on here…

One friend I used to have LOVED to argue with people.

She would start arguments about anything and always take the opposite perspective on every topic. She did this with men all the time too.

I think she felt like she was coming across as smart, independent and confident when she argued.

Guess what?

Men hated it and got a bad taste in their mouth as soon as she started in.

Her friends hated it too. She was UN-cool because her insecurity was so strong that she had to argue to get attention and feel important.

Another friend I have has always tried to do nice things and favors for the man she liked or was dating at the time.

As soon as she would meet a man she liked, she would try to find something she could do for him.

Of course, she got upset when the man didn’t return her favor or gift with the feelings of affection she wanted to receive in return… and she acted upset and “taken advantage of”.

As time went on, she became more and more convinced that all men were selfish jerks.

All this, of course, made men sense danger and run away because they intuitively knew a world of desperation and emotional frustration was waiting just under the surface for any guy who spent time with her.

As you can probably guess, she was trying to barter with men and manipulate them into giving her what she thought she wanted through her favors and “bribes”.

Guess what?

None of these made men FEEL anything for her like she had hoped, even though she thought she was showing men what a great person and a great “catch” she was, and encouraging them to feel love and appreciation for her.

Some men actually had a hard time finding respect for her because of her supposed “generosity”.

They sensed that her “gifts” weren’t given out of the kindness of her heart, but to try and win their approval and buy their affections.

I know another woman who loves to tell men when she first meets them that she’s so easygoing when it comes to relationships that she’d rather have a “casual” thing.

She even says things like, “I don’t want the drama of a serious relationship right now. Men are too much trouble.”

Of course, as she gets a few weeks or months into a situation with a man, it always seems to turn out the same…

She changes her mind in an instant. And without even talking to the guy about it, or remembering how things got started, she starts resenting her situation and the man she’s with for it not being more than what it is.

The man inevitably sees her behavior and attitude change and becomes frustrated and negative.

And without ever talking to the guy about it, she turns on him and lets him have an earful of how unhappy she is with their situation and with him - blaming him for putting her in the situation.

Now, all three of the women I’ve mentioned above have different problems… but the way I see it, they’re all strangely related.

Here are a few more quick stories about women I know who are “cool”.

One woman I know always has a group of fun and loving people around her. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever hung out with this woman and not had people wanting to spend time with her and be a part of the atmosphere she creates.

People seem to open up and become their best around her.

We can’t go anywhere without people wanting to say hi to her and connect with her for at least a minute or two.

Of course, she always has several good guys around too, wanting to talk and hang out with her, and she teases them and treats them like good friends who she’s comfortable enough to be fun and playful with.

She’s not a supermodel, she isn’t the most outgoing person in the world, and she’s not a “player” type just looking for attention from a bunch of guys.

In fact, she just married recently, to a really great guy.

She DOES, on the other hand, make it her business, even now, to know how and where to go out to have a good time and surround herself with great people, day or night.

Her life is, and will always be, full of great people and great stories.

Stories that the man in her life always wants to be a part of.

I have another friend that is really amazing. But she does something that’s rather unusual, especially when she’s around men. She’s one of those women who is always completely honest and “present” with her feelings and intentions.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that she gets “over-emotional” often, or tells people negative or disappointing things.

She knows exactly how to be in touch with her mind and body in a way that lets her feel and express herself without “dramatizing”, and without judgment.

People, men and women, can’t help but be drawn in by her magnetic energy and confident and direct attitude.

And they always have an instant level of respect and admiration for her.

It’s always a breath of fresh air to be talking and interacting with her.

Somehow, the men that are around always want to talk to HER. And all the guys she knows think of her as one of the coolest women around.

She recently got engaged, and I can tell that her fiancée’ has been smitten with her from day one.

He considers himself the luckiest guy around, and knows that she’s the one special woman for him.

Period.

So what is it that separates the “cool” girls from the “uncool” girls?

What is “cool”?

What is it that makes a few rare people the kind of people that EVERYONE wants to be around and spend their time with?

And what is it about UN-cool women that makes men withdraw and resist any level of real connection and commitment?

And what is it about this element that I’m calling “cool” that makes women who have it attract more men than they can handle, to where guys will literally fight to be the only one?

THE DEFINITION OF A “COOL GIRL”

I personally think that being “cool” comes down to:

1) Being Independent In Your Thoughts

2) Being Comfortable Without “Control”

3) Being “Present”

4) Observing Your Emotions

Before I get into each of these in detail, I want to mention something…

Usually, I tend to stick to concepts and ideas to help you think about men, dating and relationships in new ways, or give you advice to get you past limiting beliefs and patterns, and give you new understandings about men, etc.

I’ve realized recently that there are a few BASIC, FUNDAMENTAL things that you need to really “get” about interacting with other people before you start trying to learn advanced stuff, like how to communicate with a man about your relationship, when his uncertainty might throw you for a loop. If you don’t have some of the basic things handled, all the fancy ideas in the world won’t help you.

So stick with me here, this is important.

OK, so let’s talk about the four components that I mentioned above.

BEING INDEPENDENT IN YOUR THOUGHTS

Independent is the OPPOSITE of “dependent”.

When you act “dependent”, you lean on others, you look to them for approval, you ask what they think before you make a decision, you tend to want to stay physically close to them, and your feelings tend to depend on what others feel and think of you.

When you act INDEPENDENT, you lean back, you do things because YOU decided you wanted to, you don’t ask others what they think - instead you decide for yourself that you are fine walking away from your friends for a while when you’re out, and your feelings are controlled by what YOU think, not what others think or feel.

A “dependent” person will go out with a friend, stick close to them all night, ask what everyone else is eating before they order, get upset easily about things that others say, and constantly be looking for attention and approval in some way.

An INDEPENDENT person, on the other hand, will go out with friends and be more likely to… walk around the place to see who’s there - and feel fine about striking up a conversation with a friendly new face… They’ll be cool and calm no matter what happens - even if others are getting upset around them… And, most importantly, they aren’t looking to others for attention and approval. They’re doing their own thing, and enjoying whatever happens because that’s what they want - to enjoy themselves no matter what.

BEING COMFORTABLE WITHOUT “CONTROL”

Have you ever stopped and realized that it seems like you are the only one doing all the thinking and communicating in your relationship with a man?

Maybe it’s that way because of the VACUUM that he leaves by not communicating with you…

But what if it was ALSO the case that you had compensated for him by taking “CONTROL” of the relationship, and constantly talking about YOUR desires, fears and frustrations - since he’s not sharing his?

How do you think that changes the way a man sees you? And your relationship?

Most people in this world are intensely ATTACHED to the outcomes of things. They’re constantly worrying about what’s going to happen… and talking about the future in a fearful, uncertain way.

This type of person always wants to know what other people think of them, and they’re worrying about what they should do so other people will like them and keep giving them what they want from them.

Unfortunately, this almost ALWAYS comes across as INSECURITY on some level.

A person who isn’t so deeply ATTACHED to each and every immediate outcome, on the other hand, takes things as they come, and handles them calmly as part of everyday life.

They know life includes sharp turns and unexpected changes, and aren’t resistant and frightened by them.

If it’s a woman, and she’s talking to a man, she will be OK with whatever happens. If he’s open and affectionate with her, great. If he’s uptight and acting distant, no big deal in that moment.

When you are ATTACHED to the outcome of a situation so strongly that it makes you want to control the way another person thinks or feels, it often makes you act crazy.

You pause, act nervous, hold back, look for approval, act insecure, over-analyze, complain… and any of 100 other fear riddled ways of being.

On the other hand, when you’re comfortable with not CONTROLLING the outcome to be exactly what you want in that moment, and you know that the world is bigger than what you’re focusing on, it makes you MAGNETIC.

Especially when it comes to men and dating.

Comfort in the face of uncertainty is the ultimate way to show a LACK of insecurity in life.

BEING “PRESENT”

There’s nothing more INTOXICATING for a man than a woman who knows how to get him out of his head, and his “rational” thinking, and draw him into being close and emotionally connected.

And women who can do this WITHOUT pushing a man to get there with them, or complaining when he’s not as quick to respond as they’d like, have an even bigger advantage when it comes to men wanting to spend their time with them.

There’s one magic quality that will instantly allow you to do all this - as though you’ve been a pro at it all your life…

It’s called being “present”.

The easiest way to explain being present is to remind you how you get when you’re playing sports or you’re driving.

Things are happening so fast, and you’re so completely immersed in what you’re doing, that a few extraordinary things happen without you having to “try”:

- You tune out everything that doesn’t involve what’s at hand.

- The “chatter” of your mind goes completely silent.

- You instantly accept each new thing that is introduced into your environment without judgment and resistance.

If you think through these three qualities or experiences, you’ll see that you find these going on in each and every deep, loving and connected interaction you have.

These are the ingredients to feeling the way you’d probably like to feel with a man, and for him feeling amazing things with you.

But you’ve got to let go of what you think needs to happen to get there.

OBSERVING YOUR EMOTIONS

I know that this sounds funny, but most of the people I know who are “UN-cool”, and don’t naturally attract others to want to be around them, are not very good at managing THEIR OWN emotions.

And here’s where I always get pushback about the value of emotions…

For the record, I see emotions as valuable and important.

They make life fulfilling, and give us depth and meaning we would never have without them.

But what I’m talking about is getting to a place where you are CONSCIOUS of how your emotions work… and knowing yourself well enough to separate the intense emotions inside you from the events of the outside world and your own behavior.

That way you have a CHOICE about what to do with your emotions.

In a sense, this is one of the greatest purposes and goals in life - to figure out how to have the emotional experiences you dream of.

And then learn to share these with others.

So… how are YOU doing at this?

Do you “own” your emotions and guide them?

Or are they guiding you most of the time?

Interesting…

Now… is this all there is to being a “cool girl”?

Is this all there is to being the kind of woman a man is naturally drawn to on a physical AND a deep emotional level?

Of course not.

But it’s a great start.

If you can first get yourself to the place where you’re comfortable and confident with your creating your own emotional experience, and having it be the kind of experience a man will want to share, then you’ll find that taking things to the next level with men will be about 10 times easier.

I’ve had this conversation with MANY women I know who are in loving, lasting relationships with men - and they all basically say the same thing…

You have to learn how to be comfortable and get to a place on your own where you make others (men) feel comfortable being with you, at any time. And if you’re what men call a “cool girl”, this happens almost instantly and all by itself.

If you’re not what men think of as a “cool girl”, then you’re going to have a hard time making ANYONE feel comfortable with you on a real level… never mind having a man feel a deep CONNECTION and LASTING ATTRACTION for you.

I’ll talk to you again soon and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Have you ever been friends with a man and, wanted something more… but not been able to or known how turn it into something more?

If so, then you’re about to learn what to do about this situation with a man.

Did you know that most men decide if a woman is “girlfriend material” within a few seconds of meeting her?

And here’s what is even more fascinating and strange about how men think and feel…

If you don’t know how to creating the right first impression with a man, then you just might get thrown into the “just a friend” category before you can even talk to or connect with a man.

And guess what that means?

Everything that you do after a man gets that initial impression about you is run through the “she’s just a friend” filter… and this can make being in the “friend zone” almost inescapable.

ESPECIALLY if you’re looking to get involved with a man for MORE THAN JUST A FLING.

But, there IS something you can do about this.

If you want to learn the mistakes lots of women make in first and second impressions that land them in the “friend zone”…

And what you can do instead that will make him think “GIRLFRIEND MATERIAL” from the get go, then keep reading…

WHY A MAN RECOGNIZES ONE WOMAN AS “RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL” AND ANOTHER AS JUST A “FLING”

Did you know that men have several specific terms and phrases that they use with each other to think of and describe women?

It’s a sort of “guy code” or short-hand slang that men everywhere use with each other and their friends.

One of my favorites that I’ve been hearing all my life from men is the term “Cool Girl.”

As in when a man says, “Yeah, I met this girl the other night and she was a really “cool girl”.

As simple as this sounds, the meaning that men give this term is important and applies to a set of very specific qualities.

Qualities that, although never actually discussed among men, are universally understood.

Quick quiz here for you:

1) You’ve got cool fashion sense.

2) Great taste in music.

3) You hang with the hippest friends at the best places.

4) And you’re often the life of the party.

So, that makes you a “Cool Girl”, right?

Not necessarily.

So, what in the world are men talking about?

And why are they so darn fickle?

Well, for starters, MEN DON’T MAKE SENSE. The more you try and use logic and reason to figure out or understand a man’s thinking and behavior, the more you’re going to become frustrated and upset by them.

It may seem simple or even downright ridiculous, but men think of women as “cool girls” when they see that a woman understands something that other women can’t even see going on.

Men see that a cool girl “gets it” on a level that lots of other women don’t.

They demonstrate to men certain social and emotional understandings and ways of behaving that resonate deeply with men, without them having to be talked about or explained.

You’ll hear different stats for this, but something around just 8% of communication is done through the actual spoken word.

We’re talking here about that AND the other 92%, which, for most women, is saying things to a man that they don’t even know they’re saying.

To put it another way, “cool girls” exude positive emotional energy that men can relate to.

And they’re “naturally” the kind of women that every man is inexplicably drawn to, even if she doesn’t look like a supermodel.

Want to know her secret?

In today’s email I’m going to reveal EXACTLY what makes you stand out as a “Relationship Material” (a “Cool Girl”) in a guy’s mind.

And we’ll talk about how you can harness your own power to become one.

But first, let’s learn what a cool girl ISN’T. Let me ask you a question:

Has a man ever accused you of being too “emotional?”

How about “moody?”

Or worse - maybe some guy actually called you “hysterical” or “needy”?

Whatever he called you, it was the start of him closing off or getting irritated with you and things going wrong in the conversation.

What’s frustrating for lots of women is that men often react this way when you simply bring up something you feel strongly about or you need to get off your chest.

Sure, maybe you got a little choked up or felt intense about it, but you were just being honest with your feelings.

Well I hate to be the one to break it to you, but this isn’t unusual for a man to do.

In fact, it’s “standard” behavior for most men to react to a woman with withdrawal or frustration in these kinds of conversations.

Is it the “right” thing for a man to do?

Obviously not. But you might be forgetting that MEN DON’T MAKE SENSE.

And don’t get me wrong…

I’m not saying that honesty isn’t important or that you’re not entitled to feel how you feel.

But, in order to make a relationship work, it’s CRITICAL for you to understand that men simply aren’t “wired” the same way that women are when it comes to connecting on an emotional level.

Men open up, connect, and become emotionally “committed” in different ways, and for different reasons than most women do.

Unfortunately, lots of women never really learn what these differences are… so they go about trying to build a connection, attraction, and create a lasting relationship with a man by doing what would work FOR THEM.

You don’t have to be a genius to figure out that this approach rarely works.

If you want some specific insights about what most women do when they’re starting out in a relationship with a man, or when they’re trying to get closer to a man that only pushes the man away…

So, let’s keep talking about some of the important differences when it comes to communicating with a man, creating ATTRACTION, and growing towards something deeper.

Remember when I mentioned the idea of the “Cool Girl” earlier?

Well, “Cool Girls” understand the facts of life when it comes to how men can be different.

And what’s more… they make these differences work in their favor. (And not against them like so many other unfortunate women)

It’s as if they’ve learned this unspoken “guy code” that most other women don’t even know is going on right in front of them.

Well, today I’m letting you in on some of these codes and guidelines… starting with a few of the big “Don’ts”:

“Cool Girl” DON’Ts:

- Cool Girls DON’T exaggerate about what’s going on around them or what a man’s doing, unless they’re doing it as a joke or to make fun of a man in a playful way.

- Cool Girls DON’T say everything that they’re feeling and experiencing. They think before they speak. (Listen up to this one — it’s HUGE).

- Cool Girls DON’T mention bad situations, issues or problems from the past unless it’s a total “must” or extremely important and they haven’t been able to talk about it yet. They find the right time for them AND their man to talk. Otherwise, Cool Girls live in the present moment.

- Cool Girls DON’T try to FORCE a man to talk about his feelings. They know that it will only backfire and he’ll think she’s being needy and close off.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking:

“How can they act like that? It sounds like ‘Cool Girls’ are totally fake or devoid of all natural emotion.”

Wrong.

“Cool girls” still experience all of the same thoughts and feelings any normal healthy woman has…

But, they’ve CHOSEN to adopt a different kind of behavior that will ultimately get them the response that they’re looking for with the man.

They acknowledge the irrational ways of men and let that help shape their actions, which results in very powerful, very positive reactions from the men in their lives.

Simply put: They’ve got guys eating out of their hand, even in situations where other women would have caused emotional turmoil and “drama.”

And, isn’t that something that YOU would love to have too?

It’s not manipulative or diabolical…it’s just plain common sense.

So, what are some of these “cool girl” behaviors and ways of non-verbally communicating?

I’ll get to that in just a minute…

First, let’s take a look at a letter from a reader with the potential to be a “Cool Girl” … if only she could keep her emotions from ruling her decisions:

Hi Christian, I just purchased your book and I have to say my eyes started to open in just a few pages. I KNOW I’ve been making the mistake of being too emotional. First of all, I should give you some background. My boyfriend is in the Air Force and he’s stationed in San Antonio. I live in Los Angeles.

Being in a long distance relationship has been very hard on me. Especially since I’m not a patient person.

We run into trouble when I’m feeling sad about not seeing him and call him up expecting him to make me feel better. I’m assuming that I shouldn’t lean on him emotionally since he doesn’t respond when I do.

I know he’s worth waiting for. I just don’t want to do stupid girl things that will drive him away I love him completely. I want this relationship to work!!!!

Please send me any advice you can give me.

christine.

Ok, repeat after me. “I’m Christine, and I’m an Emotion-a-holic.”

Very good.

Now, say it one more time.

As they say in 12-Step programs, admitting that you have a problem is the first step towards recovery.

The thing is, I’m joking around with you and calling you names around this serious situation for a specific reason…

Because you’re acting like a helpless little girl so I have to make fun of you to get you to realize it.

Stop it!

Now, get ready for some tough love…

You’re better than how you’re behaving, but in a sick kind of way, it’s easier for you to keep on initiating the only real problem you spelled out here in your relationship-

How you make your man be the one responsible for you and your negative feelings.

A boyfriend is there for a lot of things in a relationship, but to make you feel good each time you get sad or down is NOT HIS JOB!

I’ll repeat that in case you didn’t hear me the first time -

It’s NOT HIS JOB to save you from the feelings you have and make them go away.

That’s called DEPENDENCY, and it leads both people to frustration and resenting each other in the long run.

Translation - there’s little hope for any LASTING or mutually fulfilling love in a situation that involves one person dependent on the other for approval, validation, or to experience love or joy in life.

And, in case you don’t already know this, creating and fostering this kind of dependency is one of the sure-fire ways to kill off any ATTRACTION you might already have going in a relationship.

Have you ever been with a man and had AMAZING chemistry… but then it started to unravel and fall apart when you became afraid he wasn’t “feeling it for you” anymore?

Which of course only made things worse as you acted out of fear and uncertainty about him, his feelings, and where things were headed

Now, let’s get back to the topic of being DEPENDENT (or “Needy”) when dating or in relationships…

In case you don’t see it, a man helping you to feel better and satisfy your emotional needs can actually making you a WEAKER PERSON.

And not only that, it can keep you and a man and your relationship from ever being able to GROW.

In fact, being emotionally dependent on another person can actually cause a good relationship to REGRESS.

Here’s something you need to remember, but sometimes forget when you’re inside an intense emotional situation with a man…

Relationships are supposed to be about growth, and not about becoming dependent on someone else meeting your emotional needs at any time you want it.

And, part of you knows this about living a strong, “real” relationship - that it can’t meet all your emotional needs.

But, part of you also wants and DEMANDS that a man acknowledge and satisfy your feelings and desires.

Part of you has the habit of wanting instant emotional gratification.

“Love on demand.”

Let me give it to you straight…

It’s a man’s place in a relationship to be a good partner, to care for you, to listen, to be a great lover, to connect, to be loyal, and to share.

I get than men need to “show up” more often in relationships.

But…

When you DEMAND that a man meet your emotional needs and “lean” on him out of your own fears, frustrations, and uncertainty… these problems are ALL YOUR OWN.

And the truth is most men will eventually become tired and fed up with a woman who is constantly DEMANDING emotional approval and understanding from him… instead of finding a way to create the experience so that both he AND her feel like they are having their needs met.

So, let’s take some positive steps, because things still aren’t so bad.

First, for your own good, you need to figure out WHY you’re “sad”, as you mentioned in your email.

And I mean why you’re sad personally, because I think a lot of what’s happening has nothing to do with the man in your life at all.

Sure he makes mistakes and doesn’t “get it”.

But, you can get past that.

You need to address the CAUSE of your feelings, and not keep trying to find “quick-fixes” for the symptoms.

Think about it, and see if there’s anything else in your life and in the past that could be making you feel sad - and then take some positive steps around those.

Secondly, it’s time to start acting like the smart, fun, mature, healthy woman that he knows and fell in love with.

She’s in there somewhere, and it’s up to you to find her. Don’t leave it up to him, because he might get tired of carrying the relationship’s emotional tone for you.

Here’s a few ideas about how to do that…

I want you to stop acting SO SERIOUS all the time and getting yourself EMOTIONALLY WORKED UP.

It sounds dumb, but please start smiling more.

Your body has a strange and powerful ability to affect your emotions.

Posture, breathing, activity and actual relaxation are other great ways to simply give yourself the gift of more positive emotions.

Ok, now back to your brain…

You’re escalating your own fears and frustrations and it’s doing something that could turn into a real destructive force in your relationship:

You’re creating a negative feedback loop that just gets worse and worse as it goes.

Let’s spell out what your feedback loop is so you can interrupt it and get to better things…

The more you feel sad, the more you give him sad and negative emotions.

And, the more negative emotions he gets from you, the less he’s able to stay happy and positive himself and have the energy and desire to draw you out of your girlish sadness and dependency on him for your feelings.

Which of course, only makes you feel more sad and helpless, so you turn to him more for help and around we go again.

Don’t let the NEGATIVE FEARS and EMOTIONS you have RUIN THE LOVE LIFE you could have.

Learning to stop negative patterns in your life and relationships is a “must have” skill if you want to have lasting and loving relationships.

The thing is, most people know that relationships take “work.”

And long distance relationships can feel like even more work and give back even less immediate “rewards.”

Every phone call seems to have life-or-death importance…

Every call, letter, and email is examined for subtext and clues.

Every weekend visit has to be PERFECT or you start to question everything.

It’s only natural to feel a little more “needy” or feel like your emotions are heightened all the time.

But, the trick is not to let these feelings overwhelm you.

If you do, they’ll cause you to REACT negatively to normal and natural situations.

When these negative reactions become common, they keep you from actually doing positive things that would make him feel MORE ATTRACTED and CONNECTED to you.

And so the negative feedback loop continues.

A COMMON “EMOTIONAL CHALLENGE” IN RELATIONSHIPS

Most people don’t truly think about and appreciate the emotional “challenge” that comes with committing to a mature, long term relationship like the one you’re working on…

I’ll bet that your relationship sometimes feels like just a lot of “work” and sadness to you.

And as much as it scares you to death, you know in the back of your mind that your man feels the same way and sees what’s happening.

He’s not stupid.

I’ll cut to the chase…

NOBODY wants their life or relationship to feel like it’s just a bunch of work.

And, a healthy minded person will only stay around so long in a situation that just doesn’t work and isn’t going to change.

Especially if they’re trying to resolve a problem or feeling that isn’t really their own.

The sad feelings that you depend on your guy to fix create this situation in the worst way.

Not to mention that your sadness makes him see you as weak and much less ATTRACTIVE as a woman and partner.

In fact, as much as it sucks to hear, I’ve got to tell you that one reason it might be getting harder for your man to “pull you out” of your sadness is that he’s FEELING LESS ATTRACTED to you.

And with a man, LESS ATTRACTION leads to LESS EMOTIONAL CONNECTION and less emotional generosity.

Following me here?

I know it sucks, and I might be a jerk in your mind for saying it, but the good news is that it’s also easily fixed if you know how to get the real ATTRACTION you used to share back again.

And, I’m here to help. Get yourself a copy of my “Natural & Lasting Attraction” program right now and you WILL get this area of your life back on track.

I know you can, because I’ve helped TONS of other women just like you to go from frustrated and hopeless in their love life… and show them how to get back the hope, the joy, and the confidence that comes from the certainty of knowing that a man is feeling a deep level of connection and attraction for you.

So don’t wait. Go to the link below and I’ll send you a free 30 day trial of this program.

If you don’t get everything you want out of this program and start getting the RESULTS you’re looking for with a man in your love life after a full 30 days working with the materials, then just send it back and you won’t pay a thing.

No questions asked.

Now’s the time to take the next step in your love life and make the connection, passion, and commitment a man has with you UNBREAKABLE because of how he FEELS when he’s around you.

There’s something you’re not doing that you’re going to HAVE TO DO to stay sane and make it through this with your man…

You have to make A CONSCIOUS CHOICE about your feelings and your situation.

If you don’t, you’ll keep missing or killing all the opportunities for CONNECTION and FUN that still need to be going on between you two.

You see, the goal isn’t to keep yourself from having sad or negative feelings.

That would be impossible and “in-human.”

Reality just doesn’t work that way, no matter how great your relationship is.

Instead, the goal is to get to a place where you can begin to observe how you’re feeling and then make conscious decisions and choices using BOTH your emotions and your intellect.

When you get involved in a relationship, especially a long term relationship, you’re CHOOSING to make some very important TRADE-OFF’S.

Every once in a while, you need to remind yourself of these trade-offs, as it will give you a renewed understanding of the small sacrifices you’ve made for the good things in your life.

But, you keep going back and creating sad feelings for the situation that you chose.

Almost like these bad things just happened to you and you couldn’t do anything about them.

Again, stop playing the helpless woman.

Of course you’re going to feel sad, frustrated, and upset if you’re not recognizing that YOU chose this situation as a trade off to continue with the great guy and relationship you’ve got.

Realize that you choose your life when it comes to most of the situations you find yourself in.

THE POWER OF CHOOSING TO CREATE ATTRACTION AND A POSITIVE CONNECTION WITH A MAN

What you’ve been doing in the past isn’t working for you or him, (not really) and it CAN’T feel good.

Do you really like the feeling you get when you dump your sad feelings on your boyfriend and he disappoints you sometimes with his response?

Makes you feel kind of low, right?

You said it yourself: when you’re feeling down, you call him, expecting him to make you feel better.

It’s not that he doesn’t care…

It’s that they way you communicate, he doesn’t RESPOND.

When men hear women getting emotional, they usually do one of two things:

1. Immediately go into “Action Mode” and try to “fix” the problem with concrete solutions (and that’s not usually what women want to hear)

2. SHUT DOWN.

And I think you know which one happens more often from experience, right?

Well, either way, both of these responses never result in the comforting reaction that you might be looking for.

Can I get a witness?

So, let’s go back to this idea of “cool girls.”

“Cool girls” know how to communicate with a man in a way that leads a man to respond in a way that works.

So, no more of that nonsense talk from your email saying, “I’m not a patient person.”

You don’t have to be.

It just takes the emotional maturity to recognize the trade-offs, that you yourself have already CHOSEN, are some of the challenges here.

Stop playing victim to your own choices and start finding reasons to be interesting and ATTRACTIVE to him again.

Your man WILL RESPOND in kind.

“Cool girls” know this.

Here’s a few of the “cool girl” Do’s:

- Cool girls choose not to complain or talk about things for too long that are not other people’s responsibility or impossible for anyone to solve, given the current situation.

- Cool girls bring funny positive thoughts and feelings to situations to create an experience that men will want to have again and again

- Cool girls know that they don’t have to control much with the situation around them for their own comfort and to get the outcomes or responses they want. They’re willing to go with the flow when it comes to social things, but make assertions when they have opinions and ideas.

- Cool girls have options and things to do that keep them satisfied so they don’t feel like they’re left out if they’re not invited to something. (And even if the don’t they certainly don’t complain about it or even mention it — they FIND something to do that makes them happy)

- Cool girls prefer that a man makes up his own mind; They don’t try to make a man do something he says or she can tell he doesn’t want to do.

- Cool girls DO know that the way they feel and talk about themselves is how men will feel about them.

So, are YOU a “cool girl?”

Are you the kind of woman that men are “naturally” drawn to and want to be with… for more than just a fling?

Do you know what the other 92% of your communication (the non-verbal communication) is saying to a man?

And do you get how to say all the right things verbally and non-verbally to let him instantly know that you’re the kind of girl he’d like to connect with and fall in love with?

Here’s the thing…

Every man can end up seeing a woman as “relationship material”… but, not every woman knows how to make this happen with her.

And every man can date a woman and end up in a relationship for a little while, but not every woman knows how to keep things growing through the good and the bad so that love and commitment LASTS.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

I’ve got a fascinating story for you.

Tell me if it sounds familiar…

You’re hanging out talking with some friends, when all of a sudden the conversation turns to a common topic - love and relationships.

And each woman at the table starts talking about the situation she’s in and all the amazing things about it.

At first you’re enjoying the stories and you’re happy for your friends.

But then it hits you…

You are the only person there who ISN’T in an ongoing positive relationship.

Everyone else at the table has someone in their life who they’re excited and optimistic about.

Everyone else has something “real”.

Everyone except you.

You’re ALONE… and that guy who you “date”, without the relationship going anywhere, well - he doesn’t cut it.

So you stop for a second and think,

“Maybe it’s me…”

“Maybe it’s not all because of the way men are, but how I am. That explains why I don’t have real love in my life.”

As you think about this for a second, you can’t help but feel a little lonely all of a sudden, and a small twinge of sadness wells up inside.

But as these feelings start to grow, you know inside that you deserve better, and you wish the feeling would just go away.

But it doesn’t… and the last thing you want to do is “go there” in front of your friends.

Especially since they just got through telling all of their great stories.

You don’t want them to know how you really feel right now… and you wish this feeling and problem would just go away.

You think to yourself:

“Why does love and a relationship with a man have to be so difficult?”

“If only men weren’t so difficult to be with.”

But then your “protective” side kicks in, and you start fighting these feelings and tell yourself:

“I don’t need a man.”

“I’m happy with my life as it is.”

“I’m happy to be single and focus on myself right now, instead of wasting my time and energy in a dead-end situation with a man.”

“Men are all screwed up and trouble anyway, and I don’t need that in my life right now.”

Ahhhh… it starts to work and you calm down and regain your “cool”.

But somewhere deep down inside, you know why you felt sad -

Seeing all your friends happy in their love lives reminded you of something…

For all the reasons you have to be happy, and all the ways you can convince other people (and yourself) that you’re fulfilled, you REALLY DO want something much, much better.

You want a REAL CONNECTION.

You want to share REAL LOVE and BE LOVED.

And you wonder how long you can avoid the reality that these things are MISSING from your life by staying busy and taking care of other areas of life.

You know you can’t go on this way forever.

Something has to change.

There HAS to be something better out there for you. Or else what’s it all for?

But then you remember…

It’s been months, maybe even years, since you’ve actually made the time and space in your life to meet and connect with the kind of man who could bring great things back into your love life.

And in fact, the idea of “dating” sounds like a complete and utter NIGHTMARE.

Sitting through a date listening to some bozo, who has no idea how to really connect with you, ramble on about himself, would just make you feel even more hopeless and alone.

So you’ve basically shut out of your life, the idea of dating and going out with men, for more than friendship.

But then how are you supposed to meet and connect with a great guy?

And how did EVERYONE ELSE around you manage to become CLOSE and COMMITTED with a good guy, while you’re having an impossible time finding a guy who isn’t totally clueless?

Do they know something you don’t?

Are you just UNLUCKY in love… and not meant to have a great relationship for yourself?

Are they somehow more attractive than you are?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

And why does it have to be such a “game”?

***End of story**

Ok, I know I got a little “heavy” on you there, but it’s for your own good.

This story is basically a myth… a collection of common situations, fears, beliefs, etc. that women experience.

And in case you didn’t notice, a lot of what was going on here in the story had to do with a woman’s own limiting thoughts, frustrations and negative beliefs about men, dating and relationships.

If you identified with a few of these thoughts, fears, etc. then I want you to recognize something…

Some women have VERY FEW of these negative and limiting thoughts.

While other women have TONS.

I’m talking 10, 20, 30 and 50 times a day here.

And what do you think that does for a woman?

Or for you?

Let’s try something new today - an exercise.

Take a second and imagine something for me…

Picture in your mind a woman you know who’s either single or in a “troubled” relationship.

Make sure you have a clear picture of her in your mind.

Now I want you to imagine her having negative thoughts and fears like the ones we’ve been talking about here.

In fact, I also want you to give her some of the fears and negative thoughts that you have.

And now… concentrate on how these thoughts make her FEEL and ACT.

See how they affect her emotions, her attitude and even her body language.

I’ll give you a second to picture this clearly in your mind…

Ok, now imagine a situation comes up for her uncertain situation with the man in her life.

Picture her emotions, her thoughts and how she communicates to the man in her life in your head.

I’ll give you a second to think about this and imagine it happening in your mind.

…

…

I’ll give you another minute.

Ok, come on back.

Now, I want you answer a question for me -

How did all of her negative thoughts affect how she interacted with her guy?

Did they help guide her to positive and constructive communication that brought them CLOSER together?

Or did it tend to make communication with him MORE DIFFICULT and create DISTANCE?

I’m sure you came up with all kinds of fascinating insights and realizations, but here’s what I want you to see here…

Communicating from a place of fear and insecurity with a man will more often create DISTANCE than it will bring you and a man together.

Unless the guy you’re with is ALREADY an expert at communicating and dealing with these things himself, and who keeps your fears from coming between you both.

If only men were experts when it came to having open, lasting relationships and communicating in ways that would bring you closer, right?

Wouldn’t that be nice.

Well, the truth is men are RARELY experts in these areas.

And sure… a man COULD come along and be such a wonderful and amazing guy that he would help make relationships and communicating easier.

But if that doesn’t happen, or the great guy you do find doesn’t happen to have these natural skills and abilities (and by the way, most men don’t)…

Then guess what?

It’s up to YOU.

He’s not going to make it work FOR YOU.

In fact, the reality is that as you are first becoming close with a man, he’s more likely to trigger your own fears than to help resolve them.

I’m not telling you about this right now just because I’m trying to teach you some “mumbo jumbo” about how thoughts, energy and intention work together…

(Which they do.)

But for another simple reason -

There’s something you can do right now to DRAMATICALLY improve the level of connection and intimacy you have in your love life.

It all starts in one place.

Paying attention to HOW YOU THINK.

On a basic level, your own patterns of THINKING and FEELING lead to the ACTIONS you take and the BEHAVIOR you display.

And guess what can create a “negative filter” on your THINKING and FEELINGS?

FEAR.

And if you’re finding that your actions and behaviors aren’t “naturally” attracting good men and creating healthy long term relationships… then you’ve got something to look at right now -

Your own thoughts and emotions, and your own fears.

And, of course, you could worry about HIS ISSUES too, but let’s save working on him for later when you’re up to speed on all this for yourself.

GETTING PAST FEAR, “CONNECTING” ON A DEEP LEVEL, AND MAKING MEN ADDICTED TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP…

Ok, let’s get to some real ANSWERS here.

What do you DO when you have negative, fearful, limiting thoughts and situations going on in your mind that are affecting your love life?

Well, I’m not going to tell you that all women who are single or in “dead-end” relationships are in that place in their life JUST BECAUSE they think and feel in “fear-based” and “self-limiting” ways.

But do the math.

What kind of women do you think men “naturally” gravitate towards?

What kind of women do you think men “instinctively” feel good when they’re around, even if they don’t know why?

What kind of women do you think men understand, on a subconscious level and make great long term partners?

Right again.

Women who are in CONTROL of their own fears and emotions when it comes to men, dating and relationships.

Why?

It’s NOT because feelings and emotions are themselves bad…

Feelings and emotions are probably the most beautiful part of what makes us human and allows us to experience the world in a deep and meaningful way.

But, what I’m talking about here is NEGATIVE feelings.

Because negative feelings, more often than not, lead to NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES.

And women who are in CONTROL of their EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES and who have a handle on their own emotional state, know how to do something that other women can’t and will never be able to fake…

They know how to consistently create more POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES with men.

On one level, it really is that simple.

In practice, it’s much harder.

So let’s get on now to ATTRACTION.

The truth is that men are attracted to one woman and not another largely because of the way that one woman makes them FEEL.

And NOT because of what logically sound qualities each person and the relationship has.

ATTRACTION and CONNECTION have their own “logic”.

I’ll say it again so you can really hear it this time -

A man is attracted to a woman and wants to be with her, and only her, because of the way he FEELS when he’s around her.

And not for any other reason.

Not even if the women is the most loving, caring, sweet, generous, and intelligent woman in the world.

I’m even going to “translate” this for you so you’re sure to start seeing it more clearly -

Translation: The emotional experiences that a man has when he’s around a woman are the single most powerful reasons why he either wants a long term relationship, or doesn’t.

And to make this even more clear, let me tell you what this DOESN’T mean…

It DOESN’T mean that a man wants to be with a woman because he VALUES a relationship and having true love in his life.

Or that a woman can be so good to a man and do so many loving and generous things for him that he recognizes the LOGICAL value of staying with her and makes the “right” decision.

Feelings and emotions have their own logic, which has NOTHING to do with what makes “sense” or what is “fair”.

And the sooner you accept this as true about men, the easier EVERYTHING in your love life and relationship will become.

CREATING A DEEP LEVEL OF “EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION” THAT WILL LEAD TO A LASTING RELATIONSHIP

So how do you make a man FEEL when he’s around you?

What are the conscious and subconscious emotional reactions and responses he’s likely to be having with you, based on your emotions and your behavior?

Take a minute and think about it.

..

..

Here’s the bottom line…

A woman who can communicate to a man on a deeper level that she’s AWARE and IN CONTROL of her own experience and “emotional” state will make a man feel INTENSE ATTRACTION for her on that same emotional level.

She’s an “emotionally attractive” woman, which can tell a man all kinds of things about her BEYOND the PHYSICAL ATTRACTION and interest he might have.

On the other hand…

Women who DON’T have a handle on these things have quite a different affect on men -

These women can still usually make men feel PHYSICAL ATTRACTION… but they often set off all kinds of conscious and subconscious “warning signs” in a man’s mind.

Signals that then become FEELINGS and EMOTIONS inside the man that tells him to RUN.

And under no circumstance commit himself and attach his emotional experience to hers.

Here’s the strangest part about women who send off these “warning signals” to men…

Most women do this largely ON ACCIDENT.

That’s right. Lots of women actually trigger negative responses inside a man’s mind while doing things they think are FOR THE GOOD of the relationship.

How’s that for COUNTERPRODUCTIVE?

And hey… I know it might bother you to hear some of what I’m saying. And that you probably have been more caring and generous with your thoughts and emotions in your past situations with men than they were with you.

I get that.

But someone needs to tell you how men really and truly think when it comes to women and relationships.

And of course men have their own specialized set of “baggage” and fears too.

But let me ask you…

What do you know, FROM EXPERIENCE, will happen if a man doesn’t deal with his own fears about women and relationships?

DISASTER.

I’m talking withdrawal, break-ups, cheating, lying, etc.

The list goes on.

But if a guy takes the time and develops the “emotional maturity” to think about the negative and limiting fears HE HAS about women and relationships…

And finds a healthy level of AWARENESS and CONTROL around these…

Then this is the kind of guy that women will “naturally” be drawn to and enjoy being with.

Your first step to creating a situation with a man where you BOTH feel the level of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION that will create and support a LASTING RELATIONSHIP is to accept that MEN DON’T MAKE SENSE.

Why?

Because remember, our EMOTIONS don’t follow a logical or “rational” path.

And best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Tons of women do this one thing.

And it must leave them feeling awful…

I wonder if you do it too?

I’m talking about women who hide their true feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire for a closer relationship and for love.

Ever felt this way?

It happens when you won’t communicate directly with a man about your feelings because you think you’ll “scare him away”.

Unfortunately, you’re right… it could scare him away IF you don’t know how to communicate with a man in a way that gets him to listen to you and not hear what his fears want him to hear.

The way you talk to a man about a relationship turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKE WITH A MAN.

I’ll come back to this giant mistake in just a quick second…

First, I’d like to talk about what I’ve seen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING story with you.

I’ve had women communicate their feelings with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man. (and in a larger context, what communicating this way does to any person in general - man or woman)

See, there’s a common pattern most men and women share when it comes to their dating experiences.

Tell me if it sounds familiar to you.

THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS…

(let’s pretend I’m the man in this story and you’re the woman)

You and I meet. We both like each other. (lucky me!)

Our feelings develop for each other on several level (physically, emotionally, socially)

You try to be “patient” and not express too many feelings and what you want to play it cool.

We have a great “connection” and have a great time when we’re together… but we never really talk about what we want in our future around dating, a relationship, or marriage.

Time goes by and things are great for us when we’re together.

But eventually, you begin to see that you’re not getting what you want from me in the relationship once you start to see that things aren’t moving past this “casual” but fun situation.

Which brings up a dilemma in your mind.

You want more, but you’re scared of talking to me about it because you don’t know where I’m at.

You want us to get closer, but you don’t want to “rock the boat” and do something that will make things worse, when all you want is for things to be even more magical for us both together.

Plus, you’re a little scared about how things are going to go in the future because I’ve talked to you about all the bad experiences I’ve had with women in the past and part of you knows that I might not be “open” or seem “ready” for the kind
of true love and a lasting relationship that we could have.

And sometimes I even make negative remarks about dating and relationships that make you think that there’s a part of me that doesn’t “get” what we have together or fully appreciate it the way you do.

Of course, you don’t want to ruin the good things we have going, but in the back of your mind you know that you want to talk about where things are headed so you can have some certainty and not feel like you’re just waiting around for me to “get with the program” and figure it out.

But the more you think about this, and us, the more you start to feel fear and the negative emotions that come into your mind.

You think to yourself,

“What if he’s not that serious about me and I’m totally in love with him?”

“What if this is all he wants, and I’m left hanging after putting so much into this?”

“What if everything that I’ve been feeling and starting to count on isn’t real!?”

Your head is full of these thoughts… but you still don’t communicate with me about them.

Then, as I start to see us growing closer, a few things start to happen for me at the same time:

- I notice that you’re acting different and seem more emotional, more worried, and almost “needy” when we’re together

- I notice that we don’t have as much fun anymore and that things are starting to feel “heavy” and like it’s “work” when we’re together

- You don’t seem to be so “into me” anymore, and you aren’t just happy to see me and share your love and affection when we first see each other

- I start to notice that you question me a lot more, and react to little things that I do, no matter how small or insignificant I think they are

And finally…

- I start to pull away as I feel these things and don’t know what they are (which only makes you feel worse, worry more, reinforces the negative distance we’re both starting to feel between us)

But still, you’re trying to play it cool and let things work out without freaking out.

So you don’t say anything to me directly to communicate what’s going on for you and your feelings.

And of course, being a normal guy, I don’t say anything either. (Of course, I’m a man!)

But you become more and more frustrated and confused that I’m not acting how I used to act.

Things begin to change with the way I treat you.

I don’t pay as much attention to you anymore.

I don’t surprise you or bring you flowers anymore.

I’m tired everyday after work and just want to watch tv when I get home.

I call you less frequently.

I don’t initiate sex as much anymore.

You even consider that I could be seeing someone else because of how differently I’m acting with you now.

And after a few months - I’ve become totally distant from you.

So what happens next?

You decide you’re not happy with where things are and it’s time to have a talk.

But you’re SCARED of expressing your feelings about what you want because it will scare me away, so you let things build up inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with me show.

And to wrap the story up…

You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN…

You start a conversation about the relationship and then you “let me have it”! (you get upset and lose your cool with me)

All your desires, fears, frustrations and dreams that you’ve been holding inside away from me all pour out in one big emotional explosion…

This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively.

Sometimes it’s just extreme intensity, perhaps tears.

It might include:

- Complaining about the current state of the relationship

- Talking about the things he does wrong with you

- Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing

- Becoming upset that he doesn’t feel how you’d like him to feel

- Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments

But it always creates a lot of emotional tension and “drama”. Especially in the guys mind.

This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if you want to get some positive results and move things FORWARD and become CLOSER in your relationship.

That tension that’s created stays with him, and he NEVER forgets it.

In his mind, he now thinks of you as “hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him.

And yes, I know it’s not fair. But it’s the man’s weird and twisted reality…

I’ve heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk about this exact perception of a woman and how they fear being with a woman who they think will make this giant mistake.

And yeah, I also know that this is an immature, selfish and unfair way to see things… but it’s the reality of the situation that lots of women end up being “that woman” to the man in their lives.

So… the million dollar question is -

How do you avoid this situation?

And what do you do instead to communicate with a man in a way that won’t scare him off but bring you closer and build a better foundation for communication and your relationship.

I’ll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.

Step 1) You Need To Understand What’s Going On Inside The Mind Of Your Man…

Let me tell it to you straight, as a man…

Women secretly believe that their connection with a man will “naturally” turn into something deeper without any communication taking place.

It’s as though the unspoken truth about what’s going on is that the man is of course falling for the woman, and that he only has reasons to want to COMMIT and stay.

All other options either don’t make sense, or are just impossible with the way you both feel with each other.

Honestly… this isn’t how it works with most men in the real world.

If you’re “assuming” you have a relationship, and that he feels like you do, odds are that you’re wrong.

Men don’t assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they’re in a committed relationship.

Some men do, but not most.

For a man to know he’s in a committed relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms.

Yeah, that’s right… You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.

Scary, right?

And all the “common wisdom” tells you that doing this is the surest way to scare a man off.

I hear lots of women who think that other women who have great relationships just happened to have found the right guy who was “ready”, and that’s why they’ve been able to move into a deep, loving, committed relationship with a man.

It’s as though women who DON’T have these kinds of relationship just believe that other women who have them are just LUCKY to have found such a great guy.

And while in some rare cases this is true… it’s generally NOT luck that women in great relationships have that allows them to communicate with a man in a way that brings them both closer and deepens the connection and commitment.

It’s that these women either naturally know how to interact and communicate with men in relationships in a way that WORKS…

OR they’ve taken the time to find and learn the right information, and integrate a new, more productive and positive way of communicating into their thinking and behavior.

(Hint - most women aren’t “naturals” at this, just as most men aren’t “naturals” at this with women either)

Odds are, you don’t “naturally” have this talent to communicate with a man in a relationship about the “tough” stuff and grow closer for it.

Doing this is not easy. In fact, it’s a “skill” most people have to learn to finally create and grow and real, lasting, loving relationship.

But the good news is that there’s a very easy way to learn and get help.

Keep reading…

Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make “The Big Mistake”

EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first.

It’s basic human nature.

But being able to delay your gratification is an AMAZING thing to develop in your life. (in every part of your life, not just dating)

Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what THEY think and what THEY want.

The root of this problem basically boils down to having your own needs that are unmet.

So making “The Big Mistake” is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be… without honestly and critically considering the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his commuication skills and where he’s coming from at the same time.

Here’s the thing…

When you do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.

And men pick up on and “read” women who do this.

Instantly.

I see a form of this “Big Mistake” all the time in business by the way.

Some business professionals are the worst at this self absorbed “need” oriented communication.

Like when someone calls me who wants to get something from me or sell me something and they’re not very experienced or polished at it.

The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda… and it instantly puts me on them defensive.

But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what THEY WANT from me… then when they talk it changes the whole situation the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want.

It’s very simple… but extremely powerful.

So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with men.

It might sound cliche’, but you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where’s he’s at and where’s he’s coming from.

This cliche’ is a around for a reason.

It works.

Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations.

Or course, you’ve also got to be careful to not become the woman who gives a man EVERYTHING and gets walked on either.

We’ll get to how to make sure you are “heard” and have your needs met in a minute…

Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake

Let me give you a vital piece of information when dealing with men…

Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying the things that are “obvious” to women in dating and relationships.

I would know. It’s taken me ten years to begin to understand these things for myself - and I spend a LOT of time thinking about it.

Sorry though, I’m “spoken for”… (Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!)

Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you.

So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and participating in conversations about deep emotions and relationships.

Sorry to break the bad news, but it’s almost always up to you to make this communication happen.

Or at least to get it started and make it a part of your ongoing relationship.

Luckily, if motivated, men can be great learners who pick things up quickly and like to succeed at new things.

So learn to take advantage of their strengths, instead of condemning them for their weaknesses.

It’s important to remember to approach the entire conversation from the perspective of talking about what you want AND what he wants.

If you can make a guy feel like you put his feelings and needs a priority in this conversation, and always consider what he wants, I promise he will LOVE YOU for it!

And return the favor.

There’s no rule that says you can’t consider another persons opinions and feelings first in order to get what you want.

In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to let the other person talk first.

When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS have the advantage.

Why?

Because You know exactly what the other person is thinking and wants… and knowledge is influence and power.

I’m not saying you need to take on hard-core negotiating tactics here with a man, but some of the same rules and principles about people and psychology apply.

When you talk to a man from a positive place of listening first, he will be 10,000 times more receptive to what you have to say and what you want once you bring it up than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt, communicate need and projecting fear and anxiety.

Try this instead…

Ask a positive question or give a positive statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that I was happy to be with you.”

It might sound submissive, corny, or difficult to say to someone you’re having a tough time with, but think about it…

If you’re going through all the trouble to worry so much about the future with this person, this is already what you’re thinking.

I’ll talk to you again soon and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

If you’re like lots of women I’ve met and talked to, then at some point in your life you’ve had a guy be “into you”, flirt, and get close…

But then, soon after, he quickly stopped trying to get closer to you and said something like:

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

Even though he was ALL OVER YOU a few weeks, days, or minutes ago.

What is going on here?

(Besides the common and obvious idea that men are driven by their sexual desires and there’s nothing you can really do about it.)

Well, let’s get to the bottom of this.

But first, here’s something even more BIZARRE and FASCINATING about how men think and act with women…

Why in the world would a man tell a woman he’s NOT looking for a relationship, but then when he meets a different woman very soon after, maybe even days or weeks later, his attitude does a 180, and suddenly he’s “ready” for a commitment with this other woman?

Seriously now.

What’s up here?

How can a man change his whole “story” so quickly from one situation to another with a woman?

Or can he?

I’ve realized something fascinating recently in a conversation I had with an amazing woman.

And my bet is that the things she said not only relate to you and your experience with men, dating, and relationships… but can also show you a lot to help you learn from those experiences.

So let’s get to your personal situation for a second.

Let me ask you…

Have you ever met a man that you were absolutely crazy about but whenever you tried to talk about taking the relationship to the next level of COMMITMENT, he got defensive or angry or just started acting differently and you just knew something was wrong?

And no matter how hard you tried, you felt there was just no way you were going to ever get close enough to really create a “real” and loving relationship?

Maybe you even convinced yourself that he wasn’t the “relationship type”… that he had “commitment issues”, and that it had nothing to do with YOU.

But after some time you heard something you could hardly believe…

Months or years later you found out that he has a full-blown GIRLFRIEND.

Or even a FIANCE or a WIFE.

When this happened, you probably said to yourself, “What!?”

And then you thought one of two things:

1) He must have gone through some sort of major “life transformation” since we were together because he’s suddenly become much more open emotionally and is “settling down”. And I wonder why he couldn’t get to this place with me.

Or…

2) This is my fault. Something about me and how I am with men ruined things with him. And things worked out for him with love once he was with another woman and not with me because I guess I’m not really good enough, beautiful enough, or worth loving.

If you’ve gone through this several times, you probably have a favorite way of explaining these things in your mind.

Either the men you date always end up going through emotional “crises” and figure it out later without you when it’s too late… or you’re always the one screwing things up.

The reality is, even if you do believe things are one way or the other, things in your love life are never this black and white.

And regardless, there is a way to make certain that things start to work differently for you.

What if I told you there was an easy way to “stack the deck” in your favor when it comes to men, dating, relationships, and love… so you will end up being that “other woman” who even the most DIE-HARD “players”, or the most isolated and closed men, are willing to trade in their single lifestyles to be with?

What if you could be the kind of woman a man BRAGS to his buddies about (in a good way) and can’t wait to come home to?

The kind of woman who a man naturally wants to go out of his way to make sure is happy and feels fulfilled?

I’m here to tell you there IS a way to make a man feel this way and be this kind of woman in his mind.

You’ve seen other women experience this kind of easy-going situation where a man feels so great around you and so certain that he wants to be with you that you naturally get closer and closer.

And now it’s your turn to know how to create and experience this for yourself…

I just finished up an INCREDIBLE interview with someone who shared a simple set of principles and easy-to-use steps to becoming that “amazing woman” that a man will do anything to be with and STAY WITH.

In our interview, this ingenious woman shared a TON of incredibly simple but powerful ideas all on what women often do that pushes men further away… and what you can do instead that will help a man actually want to CHASE YOU for an exclusive and committed relationship.

How many times have you sat there scratching your head wondering what it was about other women that made good guys so eager to jump into relationships with them… while you’re so much more thoughtful, loving, fun, and generous but guys just don’t think of you or see you in that way?

Well, when I met first met the woman I recently interviewed, I knew I had to interview her and pick her brain… not only because she was an accomplished dating coach with a weekly radio show and a great book out - but get this - she has the unique experience of actually owning a CAFE that was designed specifically to bring singles together for lasting relationships.

You literally won’t believe the incredible things she saw, witnessed, and learned along the way during her experience owning and running one of New York’s most popular “singles spot” that was designed specifically to help men and women meet and find “the one” for them.

Through her New York cafe and her dating service, she was responsible for literally THOUSANDS of couples and literally HUNDREDS of marriages… and created quite a name for herself.

If you think about it… lots of people have advice on how to create and maintain great relationships.

But this woman has had the ACTUAL EXPERIENCE making relationships and marriages come together and work IN THE REAL WORLD.

So as you can probably guess, it’s no surprise that the interview I did with this special woman turned out to be INCREDIBLE.

Here are just a few of the fantastic tips and strategies she shared:

- How to meet and attract a phenomenal guy who is perfect for you… AND how to make the critical transition to a “committed” relationship in a smooth, natural, easy way

- One simple idea that is CRITICAL to creating a successful relationship with the man you want… (This will also help you learn how to relax and really ENJOY a man’s company and conversation, even on the first date)

- Why so many women only see dating as the path to a committed relationship - and why this attitude, although isn’t “wrong”, creates fatal problems from the start with a man

- The GIANT mistake she saw tons of women, who remained single in her cafe, make without ever knowing it - and how to make sure you avoid it

- How to keep yourself motivated to stay open and enjoy dating (especially when it feels like dating is just too much “work” and you’re getting nowhere)

- Most women say that finding a great guy is the #1 factor in their long term happiness… yet most women spend VERY LITTLE of their time looking for him specifically. Here’s EXACTLY how many hours you should spend each week looking for a great guy to not only FIND him, but to keep your SANITY in the process and get the RESULT you’re looking for

- Why it’s so important to DIVERSIFY and try different ways to meet men - and the top 3 ways you definitely want to include on a WEEKLY basis in order to meet great guys and have fun

- How to tell the difference between events that are likely to have TONS of the type of man YOU want to meet - and those other events that are always filled with weirdos, wackos, losers, and players that you want to AVOID.

- Do you think going out with your girlfriends helps you meet more men? Or does it scare men away? Here’s the straight scoop from an expert on this VITAL question.

- A super simple yet overlooked way to get ANY man to start a conversation with you at a bar or lounge (This technique is so easy you can go out and start using it IMMEDIATELY)

- Do you know that men are often intimidated by SHY women? It’s true. Here’s why men act the way they do, and how to make yourself look approachable - without going too far and appearing DESPERATE. (The secret is balance, and Nancy explains EXACTLY how to find it)

- How to turn your shoulders in a way that invites a man to come over and chat with you (and what to do with your lips and hips that’ll have a man talking to you in no time flat)

- How much effort you should put into directing the relationship - and when you should back off and let him lead things (the trick is to understand how to strike the balance between being generous and letting him walk all over you. Here’s how to make the right move, EVERY time)

- The differences between how men and women naturally communicate (when you know what they are, you’ll be able to “read” a man’s actions and know EXACTLY what he’s trying to tell you)

- The tell-tale signs of how to tell the difference between a man in “relationship mode” and a man in “sex mode” (This will save you TONS of time relating to men who simply aren’t looking to settle down into a monogamous relationship)

- How to tell the difference between online players and the truly “great catches” online (WARNING: Players know how to present themselves as the PERFECT guy online… so you need to know how to spot a fraud and know when it’s the real deal. Here’s how…)

- How women subtly kill all hopes of chemistry when they finally meet an emotionally mature, “good guy” (Once you learn this mistake, you won’t believe how much passion you can bring out in even the NICEST of nice guys - without any effort AT ALL.)

- The SECRET EVIL HABITS that prevent women from ever being seen as the type of “cool chick” a man will do ANYTHING to be with - how to tell if you’re guilty of them, and what to do instead.

- The danger of being TOO CONSIDERATE to a man and trying to make every decision a “win-win”. (Hint: if you give too much in a relationship, even if you have the best intentions, you will KILL ATTRACTION and push him away FOREVER. Here’s the solution…)

- Ever been with a “weak” man? Discover the ways women subconsciously take power away from their man - and kill all hopes for a passionate, sexy relationship (PLUS: a sure-fire way to help him become the strong, decisive man you’d LOVE him to be)

- An easy way to navigate the turbulent waters of talking about sex and exclusivity… how soon is too soon… AND what his expectations are when he has SEX with you (they’re probably a lot DIFFERENT than you think)

- An evolved way of expressing your anger or frustration to a man - this is a special strategy that makes him able to hear you, respect what you have to say, AND open up to you on a DEEPER level

- Why putting a man in the role of therapist is a DEATH WISH for your relationship - and the WARNING SIGNS that tell you you’re making this critical mistake without even KNOWING it.

- Why putting on pressure to get married is a no- no, and the simple step you can take at ANY TIME to let a man know it’s time to commit - or even PROPOSE to you… without resorting to the kind of pressure that will push him away

- A secret to keeping your hopes, dreams, and individuality when you’re in a relationship - and why this will completely TURN-AROUND the connection between you and a great guy

- And much, much more…

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter