Entries from November 2007 ↓

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Have you recently had a relationship end and felt like you couldn’t completely “move on”… even though you want to and you know it’s over?

And is there something you STILL don’t understand about what happened, why it ended, or what his “deal” was… and even though you want to get past it, it keeps coming up in your mind?

Do you still think about what you could have done differently?

Not just so that the next time around your new relationship will work much, much better…

But maybe, deep down, you secretly wish that things had worked out differently and you could get back to that loving, connected place with the man you were with before things went “wrong” and he started acting different around you.

If you’ve ever felt this way, then keep reading.

There are a few different break-up “scenarios”.

Here are the 3 general ones:

1. You initiate the break up

2. He initiates the break up

3. Mutual break up: you both talk, open up and share what hasn’t been working and recognize that it’s time to move on from the relationship for reasons on both sides

Now, rarely are things this cut and dry, but this covers the general and most common situations.

By the way, if you really want to expand your perspective on men, dating and relationships, it’s important to look at each of these 3 situations… as each one creates a very different emotional experience during and after.

But we’re not going to talk about all 3 of these situations right now.

Right now we’re going to look at just one… the situation that’s often the most difficult, and for lots of women, seems the most frequent- when the man initiates the break up.

DEALING WITH THE FEELINGS THAT COME FROM A BREAK- UP

Let’s take a look at the FEELINGS that come from break-ups… and take away some new ideas and lessons for GROWTH so that even if a relationship doesn’t fulfill your desires, it brings you closer to finding the fulfillment and experiences you want in the near future.

Here we go…

When a relationship ends, it’s confusing and it hurts.

But when a relationship ends and you didn’t want it to, that’s a whole other story.

You can start thinking and acting all kinds of crazy when this happens.

And sure, some of this “processing” and being with your feelings is GOOD…. it’s a natural part of experiencing life and your own personal growth.

But think about this…

If you look at it from another perspective, you’ll find that even though there are important aspects of working through your feelings about a break-up… a ton of what follows a break-up takes lots of women EVEN FURTHER AWAY from what they’re looking for in a relationship in the first place - LOVE and CONNECTION.

I mean isn’t it, at the very least, important to take away the LESSONS a relationship has to teach you even if it doesn’t “work out” in the end?

You obviously know the answer to this question.

Of course it’s important to learn… Otherwise, you’re helping turn a relationship into a genuine waste of your time, love and energy… which is what lots of women fear in the first place when they become close and intimate with a man in a relationship and share their love.

But there’s a difference between knowing the answers of what to do… and LIVING it.

Over the years I’ve recognized that tons of women DON’T learn to become more successful at creating the kind of situations they want in the future with a man as a result of the “failed” situations with men.

In fact, instead of taking away positive lessons for themselves from their past relationships, they often use what’s happened “to them” as PROOF or EVIDENCE to support their own negative and limiting beliefs about men and relationships with them.

And the more these beliefs about men and relationships are reinforced, the more their own thinking and behavior in each new situation with a man becomes COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

In other words, they actually start to push away men on an automatic and subconscious level, even though one of their deepest desires is to be close, comfortable and emotionally connected with a man.

You probably know a few women like this… women who become even more closed off, defensive, fearful, or even bitter the more they live their lives and “learn” from their experiences with men and relationships.

Think about a woman you know like this right now and picture her in your mind.

Now, I want you to think about what her basic “mindset” is when it comes to men.

Reflect on how she’s responded to men in the past… and the meaning she makes of things that men do around her.

And now, can you start to see the perspective she has. The “filter” that everything she sees or experiences with a man is run through?

Can you see how quickly she leads herself to jump to the worst possible scenario each time she interacts with a man and doesn’t get all the assurance, affection or CERTAINTY she wants or thinks she needs?

What’s going on here?

And how does her thinking, behavior and reactions to men affect the way she related to men, and how men see her?

I’m walking you through visualizing a woman you know who’s like this because I want you to step outside these situations and start to OBSERVE what’s going on from a new perspective…

A perspective that will help you more easily create the kinds of experiences with men that lead to deeper levels of UNDERSTANDING (for you and the man you’re with)… and foster a deeper type of EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

So… the first thing I want to do here as we’re talking about break-ups and our thoughts and feelings around them is to help you think through a few of the most common EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES that come up when a man chooses to break-up with a woman.

That way, you can be more CONSCIOUS and AWARE of what’s going on… avoid the shock, frustration and surprise of not knowing what to expect… and take away the lessons that each dating situation or relationship has to teach you.

So… let’s start with how break-ups can make you FEEL.

Here are a few different feelings a break-up can bring into your life:

- You might feel ABANDONED, since you felt a bond and had a commitment with a man, and then he went against that and went away in a way that left you feeling like he didn’t care for you at all

- You might experience REJECTION because he chose not to be with you… or to be with someone else

- You might have a sense of EMPTINESS that comes from not having the love, affection, connection and sharing in your life that used to be there

- You might feel the ANXIETY that often comes from being completely uncertain about your future and if you’ll ever find someone to love and love you back

- You might develop a strong FEAR that you’re ALONE and that you’ll never have a real, loving, and lasting relationship… EVER

Any of these sound familiar?

These are some common things you might go through as a result of a break-up.

Now, most people say that you’ve got to give yourself time to get over a relationship… and to be with the feelings you have to get over the relationship… and on one level, I agree.

But this is common wisdom. You already know this.

Everyone knows you need to give yourself time and space to get over a past relationship.

What I want to share with you that’s NOT so obvious, is something CRITICAL to know when you go through this kind of break-up.

It’s a kind of dangerous “side-effect” that comes from the intense feelings that follow a break-up. (Remember how you pictured a woman who took only negative lessons from each situation with a man?)

And I can’t tell you how many women (and men) fall into this COUNTERPRODUCTIVE trap that pushes them even further from their strong “emotional center”… and makes it even harder for them to find and create a healthy relationship in their near future.

Let me explain the story of how this dangerous break-up “side-effect” comes about…

It all starts with the emotional experiences you have when a man breaks up with you.

These feelings and emotions can be so intense that your focus can become COMPLETELY FIXATED on what was WRONG in the relationship.

You ask yourself the following questions over and over…

Why is he acting this way, and what’s wrong with him?

What does all this mean about what was wrong with our relationship from the start?

What did I do wrong? Did I choose the wrong kind of guy? And should I never have become involved with him or trusted him in the first place?

Where did it go wrong? Since it used to be so good… and now I can’t understand how all that just disappeared.

You spend hours, maybe even days or weeks, analyzing these questions… trying to figure out what happened with the man and why you didn’t see it coming, and thinking about how this all could have been avoided… and how to never have it happen again.

I’m sure you’ve seen a girlfriend of yours in this state… or even yourself.

And here’s where these difficult questions start to create this negative “side-effect”…

With your intense focus on all the things that were WRONG, you take all the qualities, problems and shortcomings you come up with about the man who broke up with you… and you decide that these are THE things that were missing and were to blame for the break-up and failure of the relationship.

And so what do you do?

You’re so hurt and intent on not having the same thing happen to you ever again that you promise to never be with a guy like this one again…

And you turn your attention and consciousness in your love life towards finding a guy who is as far from what your “ex” was like as possible.

And that’s when you start making the mistake of confusing Cause and Effect when it comes to what was at fault for your past relationship “failure”…

Mistake #1. You start looking for a man who HAS ALL the qualities you found from your break up that your “ex” was missing.

For example, if your “ex” wasn’t a very “feminine” man, in that he didn’t like to explore his FEELINGS on a deep level in conversation with you… you look for a man who is VERY much this way.

Mistake #2. Looking for a man who HAS NONE of the qualities your ex had. (This is the flip side of the coin from Mistake #1)

For example, if you’re “ex” was independent and very confident, you might look for a man who isn’t this way… thinking this will make your relationship work next time around, and help you avoid the same painful experience.

After all, things went so wrong with this last guy that it must be the way he was… and if you find a guy who’s the opposite of all the “ex” was, then things are bound to work better.

Of course, when we take on thinking and behavior that these mistakes involve, it really seems like a logical plan…

If a relationship doesn’t work with one guy and there were problems with him, then it makes sense to look for a guy who’s VERY different from your “ex”… maybe even the opposite.

But here’s where this only hurts you…

If you begin to consciously look for a guy who’s the opposite of your ex, or who doesn’t have a certain quality you want to avoid, then you’re bound to make a big mistake.

And the mistake will most often look like ending up dating a new guy with very few of the numerous GOOD QUALITIES that your ex had that you liked or loved and worked for you both…

But you probably WILL find a guy who has a few very specific behaviors and personality traits that you think you need this time around to make it finally work.

In other words, you’re bound to find a guy who doesn’t have much, if any, of the qualities that made part of your last relationship WORK. (Of course it’s very hard for you to look back at the relationship now that it’s ruined and see the GOOD in the guy you were with.)

Odds are you’re going to find a guy who really only has the qualities that you are looking for IN REACTION or response to your previous situation.

And you’re probably wise enough to know by now, if you’re reading this, that making decisions in response to FEAR and PAIN is almost GUARANTEED to make your life more difficult in the long run.

If you get where I’m going with this, then you already know a few important lessons in life -

For starters, you know that looking for the things you couldn’t get or share with your jerk of an ex-boyfriend is NOT going to get you what you want.

And now that we’ve covered some of the “inner stuff” to avoid about break-ups that will help you stay in a better place and get you back on track faster with men… let’s talk about taking the next steps as you start to move on.

THE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE OF A BREAK-UP… AND THE GIFTS TO TAKE FROM IT FOR YOUR FUTURE LOVE LIFE AND RELATIONSHIP

over the years, I’ve seen that lots of women have come to believe, even if they don’t really see that they do, that relationships end because of the man.

Or that relationships would work well if men would just learn what women knew about them.

And yeah, I get that for lots of women, the majority of the relationships they’ve seen end around them have all the tell-tale signs of being the man’s fault… as men can do things that are destructive.

And so in many senses they’re right.

But there’s more to it if you’re looking for more than the knowledge that a break-up is a man’s “fault”.

Especially if your goal, or the RESULTS you want in your life, aren’t about placing BLAME… but LEARNING and GROWING in a way that will help you find more emotional fulfillment in your life, and create a real, lasting relationship.

In other words, if you can learn to look at what happens in relationships and break-ups to learn what actually WORKS… rather than focusingn your attention and energy on identifying what DOESN’T WORK, and the painful reasons why… then you’re going to start to transform your mind… and your love life too.

But for some women, trying to shut out what they don’t want in their relationship becomes their main “strategy”.

I can’t tell you how much of a waste of time this is for a woman looking to find a real, loving, lasting relationship.

You know, it’s funny how most of our minds work…

I realized 3 or 4 years ago that most of the people around me, including myself, know a whole lot about exactly WHAT’S WRONG in the world and in relationships.. and about what we DON’T WANT others to think, do and say with us…

But most of us have no earthly idea what we DO WANT… and more importantly, how to go about getting what we want for ourselves. (Or showing or teaching someone else how to give us what it is that we DO WANT.)

It’s then that I realized that NOT WANTING something (being unhappy with the way things are) has NOTHING AT ALL to do with figuring out how to get the things you DO WANT. (Actually creating them.)

Read that again and think about it for a minute.

..

..

Ok…

How does this apply to what you spend your time and energy on, in your love life and with a man?

Do you think about, worry about and spend your time and energy “analyzing” how to avoid what it is that you don’t want?

Or do you think through exactly what it is that you want… and consider what that means to the OTHER PERSON that you want it from… and put yourself in their shoes to think about how to help them give it to you in a way that will also make them happy and fulfilled with you?

Take a deep breath right now and sit up straight with your back arched and your shoulders back.

And take another deep breath in… then out.

Good.

To make a long story short… most of us, and most women in relationships with men, use a few “weak strategies” involving this idea of not knowing what we want… and not thinking through how to help another person who isn’t in our heads give or share what we want, when even we don’t know exactly what it is or how to have it.

This exact problem of not knowing how to share what it is that we specifically want… and knowing how to ask another person, given their own set of perspectives, feelings, and desires makes it so that tons of women are RARELY able to find or create the kinds of experiences and relationships they’re looking for with men.

Here are a few examples of these “weak strategies” that I’m referring to when it comes to trying to create the situations that will give us what we want emotionally and in our relationships:

- Using “trial and error”. You try to fit in as many new conversations, interactions and ways of being as possible, hoping that something will eventually just work - but you have no idea what that thing will be since you’ve never found it before.

- “Selfish Love”. Trying to convince a man that the answer to what will make him feel happy and fulfilled in his relationship with you, is to simply do more of the things that you know make you happy and feel love and connection.

- After feeling unappreciated, or that a man isn’t really paying attention to or understanding you, you get frustrated and tired and stop giving much of yourself… and you don’t want to put yourself out there for him anymore just to help him to see what he should already see… effectively making it so that you’re depending on him to guess what you want and give it to you in the way you want it.

Now… what do all these “weak strategies” have in common? And why am I having you spend time reflecting on them and how they relate to you and your love life?

Because they all show how BAD most of us are at creating the experiences, connections and “exchanges” we want with other people.

Especially with those of the OPPOSITE SEX.

So what’s one of the greatest gifts you can take away from your break-up or “failed” relationship?

More CONSCIOUSNESS, LEARNING and GROWTH.

And of course, making things work much, much better for you the next time around when you’re ready.

And so how do you start to really do this?

One clear way I’m taking you through is looking at the strategies that you’ve used in the past that didn’t work… or that even made things WORSE.

The tough reality is that most of us fall back on the same negative or “weak” strategies in our relationships again and again… even though we think we’re in a different relationship and things aren’t the same.

That’s why becoming CONSCIOUS of your own love related strategies is a great first step towards CHANGE and IMPROVEMENT in your love life after a break-up.

And it’s that kind of “negative” analyzing we talked about earlier that leaves you without RESULTS and instead you have more fear, less confidence and create FALSE conclusions about men and relationships.

GETTING BACK TO THAT OPTIMISTIC, COMFORTABLE AND OPEN PLACE WHERE THE RIGHT CONNECTION WILL COME BACK INTO YOUR LIFE “NATURALLY”

There’s a reality to dating and getting “back into the game” after you’ve been in a serious relationship that ends in a not-so-great way…

It feels AWKWARD.

And there’s a problem that seems to always come up when you start “dating” again…

It just doesn’t “feel right” at first.

(Unless you’re swept away by an amazing guy… in which case, enjoy, but stay aware of what you’re really responding to.)

Dating again can feel contrived, distant, and just emotionally unfulfilling… as the person you’re around just doesn’t seem to “get you” or make you feel the same way you felt when things were good in your last relationship.

That’s when your next challenge will come up for you…

The challenge that will help decide if you’re going to take something POSITIVE away from your experiences… or if you’re going to let the negative and fearful aspects of them start to create negative “chatter” and beliefs in your mind.

Do you want to remain open to LOVE, and stay present with the potentially painful emotions you’ll have if you don’t close off or act out in anger or spite?

(Men will instantly sense if you have this closed off or angry reaction going on inside you.)

Or do you want to start living in a way that will “protect you” if you do get close to a man again? Which, don’t you think will help you “safely” find a secure, certain, lasting relationship with a man?

That way you don’t have to waste your time, or risk your heart and be vulnerable again to the uncertainty and quickly shifting desires of a man.

It’s your choice…

I’ll talk to you again soon…

And best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

I get a lot of questions from women asking about how to respond to men when things become confusing or uncertain as a relationship is growing closer.

Questions such as…

“What do I do when a guy isn’t calling or initiating things the way he used to?”

Or…

“We’ve been dating for a little while and I know we have a special connection. But when I talked to him about us being something more ’serious’ he freaked out. What should I do now?”

Or…

“How can I talk to a man and have him open up and share what’s going on inside, when he is being more and more distant?”

In fact, these questions might be some of the areas that women want to know about most.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past year or so about what allows some particular women to create a deep level of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with the men in their lives.

I’m talking about the kind of connection that will make the typical challenges other women face with men in relationships feel effortless.

The kind of connection that goes BEYOND PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.

The kind of connection that creates a lasting “emotional bond” that’s deeper than something just sexual.

The kind of connection that tells a man that the woman he’s with is the one and only woman for him… without the woman having to ever say a word to convince him of it to get him to commit.

In other words, I’ve been watching women (and the men they’re with) to see if I could figure out why some women are able to create intense physical AND emotional attachments inside of men…

While other women seem to have little or no luck at this, no matter how hard they want it or try.

A “cool girl” is a phrase men use with each other when they’re talking about a woman who “naturally” knows how to relate to, respond to and interact with men in a fun and interesting way.

And among men, this carries a lot of power.

You might have noticed that guys will praise their friend if they see that the girl he’s with is a “cool girl”. They’ll encourage him to spend time with her and ask him to bring her around as part of their “inner circle”.

Needless to say, this has a strong conscious and subconscious effect on how a man feels about a woman in his life.

On the other hand…

If a guy’s friends see that the woman their friend is dating ISN’T a “cool girl”, they’ll often make negative remarks to encourage their friend to spend less time with her, and subtly discourage him from committing much of his time or attention to being with her.

After paying more and more attention to this idea that men have of the “cool girl”, I also started to notice something else FASCINATING…

Men can almost instantly know if a woman is or is NOT a “cool girl” just by seeing how she reacts and responds to common social situations.

It’s like they have UN-cool girl radar that will pick up even the slightest signal.

But don’t worry, I’ve also found that you don’t have to be born a “cool girl”.

In fact, it’s something any woman can easily learn if she wants to change her interactions with men for the better.

So let’s talk about how to use the idea of the “cool girl” to have an easier level of connection and open communication with men in your dating life, or in your relationship.

So what is a “cool girl”?

And what is it about a woman who’s “cool” that makes men feel more attracted to her than an “uncool” woman?

Let me tell you a few quick mini-stories about women I’ve known who were UN-cool.

One friend I used to have LOVED to argue with people.

She would start arguments about anything and always take the opposite perspective on every topic. She did this with men all the time too.

I think she felt like she was coming across as smart, independent and confident when she argued.

Guess what?

Men hated it and got a bad taste in their mouth as soon as she started in.

Her friends hated it too. She was UN-cool because her insecurity was so strong that she had to argue to get attention and feel important.

Another friend I have has always tried to do nice things and favors for the man she liked or was dating at the time.

As soon as she would meet a man she liked, she would try to find something she could do for him.

Of course, she got upset when the man didn’t return her favor or gift with the feelings of affection she wanted to receive in return… and she acted upset and “taken advantage of”.

As time went on, she became more and more convinced that all men were selfish jerks.

All this, of course, made men sense danger and run away because they intuitively knew a world of desperation and emotional frustration was waiting just under the surface for any guy who spent time with her.

As you can probably guess, she was trying to barter with men and manipulate them into giving her what she thought she wanted through her favors and “bribes”.

Guess what?

None of these made men FEEL anything for her like she had hoped, even though she thought she was showing men what a great person and a great “catch” she was, and encouraging them to feel love and appreciation for her.

Some men actually had a hard time finding respect for her because of her supposed “generosity”.

They sensed that her “gifts” weren’t given out of the kindness of her heart, but to try and win their approval and buy their affections.

I know another woman who loves to tell men when she first meets them that she’s so easygoing when it comes to relationships that she’d rather have a “casual” thing.

She even says things like, “I don’t want the drama of a serious relationship right now. Men are too much trouble.”

Of course, as she gets a few weeks or months into a situation with a man, it always seems to turn out the same…

She changes her mind in an instant. And without even talking to the guy about it, or remembering how things got started, she starts resenting her situation and the man she’s with for it not being more than what it is.

The man inevitably sees her behavior and attitude change and becomes frustrated and negative.

And without ever talking to the guy about it, she turns on him and lets him have an earful of how unhappy she is with their situation and with him - blaming him for putting her in the situation.

Now, all three of the women I’ve mentioned babove have different problems… but the way I see it, they’re all strangely related.

Here are a few more quick stories about women I know who are “cool”.

One woman I know always has a group of fun and loving people around her. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever hung out with this woman and not had people wanting to spend time with her and be a part of the atmosphere she creates.

People seem to open up and become their best around her.

We can’t go anywhere without people wanting to say hi to her and connect with her for at least a minute or two.

Of course, she always has several good guys around too, wanting to talk and hang out with her, and she teases them and treats them like good friends who she’s comfortable enough to be fun and playful with.

She’s not a supermodel, she isn’t the most outgoing person in the world, and she’s not a “player” type just looking for attention from a bunch of guys.

In fact, she just married recently, to a really great guy.

She DOES, on the other hand, make it her business, even now, to know how and where to go out to have a good time and surround herself with great people, day or night.

Her life is, and will always be, full of great people and great stories.

Stories that the man in her life always wants to be a part of.

I have another friend that is really amazing. But she does something that’s rather unusual, especially when she’s around men. She’s one of those women who is always completely honest and “present” with her feelings and intentions.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that she gets “over-emotional” often, or tells people negative or disappointing things.

She knows exactly how to be in touch with her mind and body in a way that lets her feel and express herself without “dramatizing”, and without judgment.

People, men and women, can’t help but be drawn in by her magnetic energy and confident and direct attitude.

And they always have an instant level of respect and admiration for her.

It’s always a breath of fresh air to be talking and interacting with her.

Somehow, the men that are around always want to talk to HER. And all the guys she knows think of her as one of the coolest women around.

She recently got engaged, and I can tell that her fiancée’ has been smitten with her from day one.

He considers himself the luckiest guy around, and knows that she’s the one special woman for him.

Period.

So what is it that separates the “cool” girls from the “uncool” girls?

What is “cool”?

What is it that makes a few rare people the kind of people that EVERYONE wants to be around and spend their time with?

And what is it about UN-cool women that makes men withdraw and resist any level of real connection and commitment?

And what is it about this element that I’m calling “cool” that makes women who have it attract more men than they can handle, to where guys will literally fight to be the only one?

THE DEFINITION OF A “COOL GIRL”

I personally think that being “cool” comes down to:

1) Being Independent In Your Thoughts

2) Being Comfortable Without “Control”

3) Being “Present”

4) Observing Your Emotions

Before I get into each of these in detail, I want to mention something…

Usually, I tend to stick to concepts and ideas to help you think about men, dating and relationships in new ways, or give you advice to get you past limiting beliefs and patterns, and give you new understandings about men, etc.

I’ve realized recently that there are a few BASIC, FUNDAMENTAL things that you need to really “get” about interacting with other people before you start trying to learn advanced stuff, like how to communicate with a man about your relationship, when his uncertainty might throw you for a loop. If you don’t have some of the basic things handled, all the fancy ideas in the world won’t help you.

So stick with me here, this is important.

OK, so let’s talk about the four components that I mentioned above.

BEING INDEPENDENT IN YOUR THOUGHTS

Independent is the OPPOSITE of “dependent”.

When you act “dependent”, you lean on others, you look to them for approval, you ask what they think before you make a decision, you tend to want to stay physically close to them, and your feelings tend to depend on what others feel and think of you.

When you act INDEPENDENT, you lean back, you do things because YOU decided you wanted to, you don’t ask others what they think - instead you decide for yourself that you are fine walking away from your friends for a while when you’re out, and your feelings are controlled by what YOU think, not what others think or feel.

A “dependent” person will go out with a friend, stick close to them all night, ask what everyone else is eating before they order, get upset easily about things that others say, and constantly be looking for attention and approval in some way.

An INDEPENDENT person, on the other hand, will go out with friends and be more likely to… walk around the place to see who’s there - and feel fine about striking up a conversation with a friendly new face… They’ll be cool and calm no matter what happens - even if others are getting upset around them… And, most importantly, they aren’t looking to others for attention and approval. They’re doing their own thing, and enjoying whatever happens because that’s what they want - to enjoy themselves no matter what.

BEING COMFORTABLE WITHOUT “CONTROL”

Have you ever stopped and realized that it seems like you are the only one doing all the thinking and communicating in your relationship with a man?

Maybe it’s that way because of the VACUUM that he leaves by not communicating with you…

But what if it was ALSO the case that you had compensated for him by taking “CONTROL” of the relationship, and constantly talking about YOUR desires, fears and frustrations - since he’s not sharing his?

How do you think that changes the way a man sees you? And your relationship?

Most people in this world are intensely ATTACHED to the outcomes of things. They’re constantly worrying about what’s going to happen… and talking about the future in a fearful, uncertain way.

This type of person always wants to know what other people think of them, and they’re worrying about what they should do so other people will like them and keep giving them what they want from them.

Unfortunately, this almost ALWAYS comes across as INSECURITY on some level.

A person who isn’t so deeply ATTACHED to each and every immediate outcome, on the other hand, takes things as they come, and handles them calmly as part of everyday life.

They know life includes sharp turns and unexpected changes, and aren’t resistant and frightened by them.

If it’s a woman, and she’s talking to a man, she will be OK with whatever happens. If he’s open and affectionate with her, great. If he’s uptight and acting distant, no big deal in that moment.

When you are ATTACHED to the outcome of a situation so strongly that it makes you want to control the way another person thinks or feels, it often makes you act crazy.

You pause, act nervous, hold back, look for approval, act insecure, over-analyze, complain… and any of 100 other fear-riddled ways of being.

On the other hand, when you’re comfortable with not CONTROLLING the outcome to be exactly what you want in that moment, and you know that the world is bigger than what you’re focusing on, it makes you MAGNETIC.

Especially when it comes to men and dating.

Comfort in the face of uncertainty is the ultimate way to show a LACK of insecurity in life.

BEING “PRESENT”

There’s nothing more INTOXICATING for a man than a woman who knows how to get him out of his head, and his “rational” thinking, and draw him into being close and emotionally connected.

And women who can do this WITHOUT pushing a man to get there with them, or complaining when he’s not as quick to respond as they’d like, have an even bigger advantage when it comes to men wanting to spend their time with them.

There’s one magic quality that will instantly allow you to do all this - as though you’ve been a pro at it all your life…

It’s called being “present”.

The easiest way to explain being present is to remind you how you get when you’re playing sports or you’re driving.

Things are happening so fast, and you’re so completely immersed in what you’re doing, that a few extraordinary things happen without you having to “try”:

- You tune out everything that doesn’t involve what’s at hand.

- The “chatter” of your mind goes completely silent.

- You instantly accept each new thing that is introduced into your environment without judgment and resistance.

If you think through these three qualities or experiences, you’ll see that you find these going on in each and every deep, loving and connected interaction you have.

These are the ingredients to feeling the way you’d probably like to feel with a man, and for him feeling amazing things with you.

But you’ve got to let go of what you think needs to happen to get there.

OBSERVING YOUR EMOTIONS

I know that this sounds funny, but most of the people I know who are “UN-cool”, and don’t naturally attract others to want to be around them, are not very good at managing THEIR OWN emotions.

And here’s where I always get pushback about the value of emotions…

For the record, I see emotions as valuable and important.

They make life fulfilling, and give us depth and meaning we would never have without them.

But what I’m talking about is getting to a place where you are CONSCIOUS of how your emotions work… and knowing yourself well enough to separate the intense emotions inside you from the events of the outside world and your own behavior.

That way you have a CHOICE about what to do with your emotions.

In a sense, this is one of the greatest purposes and goals in life - to figure out how to have the emotional experiences you dream of.

And then learn to share these with others.

So… how are YOU doing at this?

Do you “own” your emotions and guide them?

Or are they guiding you most of the time?

Interesting…

Now… is this all there is to being a “cool girl”?

Is this all there is to being the kind of woman a man is naturally drawn to on a physical AND a deep emotional level?

Of course not.

But it’s a great start.

If you can first get yourself to the place where you’re comfortable and confident with your creating your own emotional experience, and having it be the kind of experience a man will want to share, then you’ll find that taking things to the next level with men will be about 10 times easier.

I’ve had this conversation with MANY women I know who are in loving, lasting relationships with men - and they all basically say the same thing…

You have to learn how to be comfortable and get to a place on your own where you make others (men) feel comfortable being with you, at any time. And if you’re what men call a “cool girl”, this happens almost instantly and all by itself.

If you’re not what men think of as a “cool girl”, then you’re going to have a hard time making ANYONE feel comfortable with you on a real level… never mind having a man feel a deep CONNECTION and LASTING ATTRACTION for you.

And best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

I’ve got a fascinating story for you.

Tell me if it sounds familiar…

You’re hanging out talking with some friends, when all of a sudden the conversation turns to a common topic - love and relationships.

And each woman at the table starts talking about the situation she’s in and all the amazing things about it.

At first you’re enjoying the stories and you’re happy for your friends.

But then it hits you…

You are the only person there who ISN’T in an ongoing positive relationship.

Everyone else at the table has someone in their life who they’re excited and optimistic about.

Everyone else has something “real”.

Everyone except you.

You’re ALONE… and that guy who you “date”, without the relationship going anywhere, well he doesn’t cut it.

So you stop for a second and think,

“Maybe it’s me…”

“Maybe it’s not all because of the way men are, but how I am. That explains why I don’t have real love in my life.”

As you think about this for a second, you can’t help but feel a little lonely all of a sudden, and a small twinge of sadness wells up inside.

But as these feelings start to grow, you know inside that you deserve better, and you wish the feeling would just go away.

But it doesn’t… and the last thing you want to do is “go there” in front of your friends.

Especially since they just got through telling all of their great stories.

You don’t want them to know how you really feel right now… and you wish this feeling and problem would just go away.

You think to yourself:

“Why does love and a relationship with a man have to be so difficult?”

“If only men weren’t so difficult to be with.”

But then your “protective” side kicks in, and you start fighting these feelings and tell yourself:

“I don’t need a man.”

“I’m happy with my life as it is.”

“I’m happy to be single and focus on myself right now, instead of wasting my time and energy in a dead-end situation with a man.”

“Men are all screwed up and trouble anyways, and I don’t need that in my life right now.”

Ahhhh… it starts to work and you calm down and regain your “cool”.

But somewhere deep down inside, you know why you felt sad -

Seeing all your friends happy in their love lives reminded you of something…

For all the reasons you have to be happy, and all the ways you can convince other people (and yourself) that you’re fulfilled, you REALLY DO want something much, much better.

You want a REAL CONNECTION.

You want to share REAL LOVE and BE LOVED.

And you wonder how long you can avoid the reality that these things are MISSING from your life by staying busy and taking care of other areas of life.

You know you can’t go on this way forever.

Something has to change.

There HAS to be something better out there for you. Or else what’s it all for?

But then you remember…

It’s been months, maybe even years, since you’ve actually made the time and space in your life to meet and connect with the kind of man who could bring great things back into your love life.

And in fact, the idea of “dating” sounds like a complete and utter NIGHTMARE.

Sitting through a date listening to some bozo, who has no idea how to really connect with you, ramble on about himself, would just make you feel even more hopeless and alone.

So you’ve basically shut out of your life, the idea of dating and going out with men, for more than friendship.

But then how are you supposed to meet and connect with a great guy?

And how did EVERYONE ELSE around you manage to become CLOSE and COMMITTED with a good guy, while you’re having an impossible time finding a guy who isn’t totally clueless?

Do they know something you don’t?

Are you just UNLUCKY in love… and not meant to have a great relationship for yourself?

Are they somehow more attractive than you are?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

And why does it have to be such a “game”?

***End of story**

Ok, I know I got a little “heavy” on you there, but it’s for your own good.

This story is basically a myth… a collection of common situations, fears, beliefs, etc. that women experience.

And in case you didn’t notice, a lot of what was going on here in the story had to do with a woman’s own limiting thoughts, frustrations and negative beliefs about men, dating and relationships.

If you identified with a few of these thoughts, fears, etc. then I want you to recognize something…

Some women have VERY FEW of these negative and limiting thoughts.

While other women have TONS.

I’m talking 10, 20, 30 and 50 times a day here.

And what do you think that does for a woman?

Or for you?

Let’s try something new today - an exercise.

Take a second and imagine something for me…

Picture in your mind a woman you know who’s either single or in a “troubled” relationship.

Make sure you have a clear picture of her in your mind.

Now I want you to imagine her having negative thoughts and fears like the ones we’ve been talking about here.

In fact, I also want you to give her some of the fears and negative thoughts that you have.

And now… concentrate on how these thoughts make her FEEL and ACT.

See how they affect her emotions, her attitude and even her body language.

I’ll give you a second to picture this clearly in your mind…

Ok, now imagine a situation comes up for her uncertain situation with the man in her life.

Picture her emotions, her thoughts and how she communicates to the man in her life in your head.

I’ll give you a second to think about this and imagine it happening in your mind.

…

…

I’ll give you another minute.

Ok, come on back.

Now, I want you answer a question for me -

How did all of her negative thoughts affect how she interacted with her guy?

Did they help guide her to positive and constructive communication that brought them CLOSER together?

Or did it tend to make communication with him MORE DIFFICULT and create DISTANCE?

I’m sure you came up with all kinds of fascinating insights and realizations, but here’s what I want you to see here…

Communicating from a place of fear and insecurity with a man will more often create DISTANCE than it will bring you and a man together.

Unless the guy you’re with is ALREADY an expert at communicating and dealing with these things himself, and who keeps your fears from coming between you both.

If only men were experts when it came to having open, lasting relationships and communicating in ways that would bring you closer, right?

Wouldn’t that be nice.

Well, the truth is men are RARELY experts in these areas.

And sure… a man COULD come along and be such a wonderful and amazing guy that he would help make relationships and communicating easier.

But if that doesn’t happen, or the great guy you do find doesn’t happen to have these natural skills and abilities (and by the way, most men don’t)…

Then guess what?

It’s up to YOU.

He’s not going to make it work FOR YOU.

In fact, the reality is that as you are first becoming close with a man, he’s more likely to trigger your own fears than to help resolve them.

I’m not telling you about this right now just because I’m trying to teach you some “mumbo jumbo” about how thoughts, energy and intention work together…

(Which they do.)

But for another simple reason -

There’s something you can do right now to DRAMATICALLY improve the level of connection and intimacy you have in your love life.

It all starts in one place.

Paying attention to HOW YOU THINK.

On a basic level, your own patterns of THINKING and FEELING lead to the ACTIONS you take and the BEHAVIOR you display.

And guess what can create a “negative filter” on your THINKING and FEELINGS?

FEAR.

And if you’re finding that your actions and behaviors aren’t “naturally” attracting good men and creating healthy long term relationships… then you’ve got something to look at right now -

Your own thoughts and emotions, and your own fears.

And, of course, you could worry about HIS ISSUES too, but let’s save working on him for later when you’re up to speed on all this for yourself.

GETTING PAST FEAR, “CONNECTING” ON A DEEP LEVEL, AND MAKING MEN ADDICTED TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP…

Ok, let’s get to some real ANSWERS here.

What do you DO when you have negative, fearful, limiting thoughts and situations going on in your mind that are affecting your love life?

Well, I’m not going to tell you that all women who are single or in “dead-end” relationships are in that place in their life JUST BECAUSE they think and feel in “fear-based” and “self-limiting” ways.

But do the math.

What kind of women do you think men “naturally” gravitate towards?

What kind of women do you think men “instinctively” feel good when they’re around, even if they don’t know why?

What kind of women do you think men understand, on a subconscious level and make great long term partners?

Right again.

Women who are in CONTROL of their own fears and emotions when it comes to men, dating and relationships.

Why?

It’s NOT because feelings and emotions are themselves bad…

Feelings and emotions are probably the most beautiful part of what makes us human and allows us to experience the world in a deep and meaningful way.

But, what I’m talking about here is NEGATIVE feelings.

Because negative feelings, more often than not, lead to NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES.

And women who are in CONTROL of their EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES and who have a handle on their own emotional state, know how to do something that other women can’t and will never be able to fake…

They know how to consistently create more POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES with men.

On one level, it really is that simple.

In practice, it’s much harder.

The truth is that men are attracted to one woman and not another largely because of the way that one woman makes them FEEL.

And NOT because of what logically sound qualities each person and the relationship has.

ATTRACTION and CONNECTION have their own “logic”.

I’ll say it again so you can really hear it this time -

A man is attracted to a woman and wants to be with her, and only her, because of the way he FEELS when he’s around her.

And not for any other reason.

Not even if the women is the most loving, caring, sweet, generous, and intelligent woman in the world.

I’m even going to “translate” this for you so you’re sure to start seeing it more clearly -

Translation: The emotional experiences that a man has when he’s around a woman are the single most powerful reasons why he either wants a long term relationship, or doesn’t.

And to make this even more clear, let me tell you what this DOESN’T mean…

It DOESN’T mean that a man wants to be with a woman because he VALUES a relationship and having true love in his life.

Or that a woman can be so good to a man and do so many loving and generous things for him that he recognizes the LOGICAL value of staying with her and makes the “right” decision.

Feelings and emotions have their own logic, which has NOTHING to do with what makes “sense” or what is “fair”.

And the sooner you accept this as true about men, the easier EVERYTHING in your love life and relationship will become.

CREATING A DEEP LEVEL OF “EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION” THAT WILL LEAD TO A LASTING RELATIONSHIP

So how do you make a man FEEL when he’s around you?

What are the conscious and subconscious emotional reactions and responses he’s likely to be having with you, based on your emotions and your behavior?

Take a minute and think about it.

..

..

Here’s the bottom line…

A woman who can communicate to a man on a deeper level that she’s AWARE and IN CONTROL of her own experience and “emotional” state will make a man feel INTENSE ATTRACTION for her on that same emotional level.

She’s an “emotionally attractive” woman, which can tell a man all kinds of things about her BEYOND the PHYSICAL ATTRACTION and interest he might have.

On the other hand…

Women who DON’T have a handle on these things have quite a different affect on men -

These women can still usually make men feel PHYSICAL ATTRACTION… but they often set off all kinds of conscious and subconscious “warning signs” in a man’s mind.

Signals that then become FEELINGS and EMOTIONS inside the man that tells him to RUN.

And under no circumstance commit himself and attach his emotional experience to hers.

Here’s the strangest part about women who send off these “warning signals” to men…

Most women do this largely ON ACCIDENT.

That’s right. Lots of women actually trigger negative responses inside a man’s mind while doing things they think are FOR THE GOOD of the relationship.

How’s that for COUNTERPRODUCTIVE?

And hey… I know it might bother you to hear some of what I’m saying. And that you probably have been more caring and generous with your thoughts and emotions in your past situations with men than they were with you.

I get that.

But someone needs to tell you how men really and truly think when it comes to women and relationships.

And of course men have their own specialized set of “baggage” and fears too.

But let me ask you…

What do you know, FROM EXPERIENCE, will happen if a man doesn’t deal with his own fears about women and relationships?

DISASTER.

I’m talking withdrawal, break-ups, cheating, lying, etc.

The list goes on.

But if a guy takes the time and develops the “emotional maturity” to think about the negative and limiting fears HE HAS about women and relationships…

And finds a healthy level of AWARENESS and CONTROL around these…

Then this is the kind of guy that women will “naturally” be drawn to and enjoy being with.

Your first step to creating a situation with a man where you BOTH feel the level of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION that will create and support a LASTING RELATIONSHIP is to accept that MEN DON’T MAKE SENSE.

Why?

Because remember, our EMOTIONS don’t follow a logical or “rational” path.

And best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

I purchased a copy of your ebook yesterday! It’s amazing, it’s like my new bible! Woo! Congrats! I was reading and got really scared when I started reading on page 124 about neediness. I have pretty much been doing nearly all off them! But yesterday I said to myself I would try to change! And I will for the sake of my relationship! I have been dating my man for a year this May. Do you think there is still time for me to get my relationship back to the way it was when he called me more, told me he loved me more, and couldn’t wait to see me?

L.W.

Ok, you’re doing about 132 different things to screw yourself up here, and sabotage the good things you have going.

And the worst part is… you know it.

But you still CAN’T HELP YOURSELF.

Ouch.

Do me a favor and go ahead and give yourself a good hard SLAP!

Ok, now that you’re awake and listening…

Let me address your direct question first, since I won’t be able to get to your whole bag of “goodies” here.

“Is there still time for me to get my relationship back to the way it was when he called me more, told me he loved me more, and couldn’t wait to see me?”

No.

And stop trying. (Go ahead and give yourself another slap here for worrying about this.)

You will NEVER get back to how you both were before things grew into a new place in your relationship.

Period.

And in case you don’t see it, the fact that you’re no longer in that early “intense” stage, and have moved past it together, is largely a GREAT thing.

But not for you in your freaked out, love starved mind.

Here’s the first thing I want you to recognize-

Relationships GROW and CHANGE.

Sit and think about that simple truth for a minute.

Think about how every relationship you’ve ever had, with each person you’ve met, has changed from where it was when it began.

Now that you’ve thought about this…

I don’t know if you see this yet, but it’s a GOOD THING that you’ve grown past what you had before.

“But how?”, you’re wondering.

Because you now have the potential to have something EVEN BETTER.

Seriously.

Better than the “cutesy, pet-name calling, spending all weekend in each others arms, not seeing anyone but each other for days, talking all night on the phone till your ear hurts, feeling nervous and anxious each time you’re going to see each other” situation you had when you first got together.

I know… There’s nothing like that instant, intense chemistry and attraction you feel and share in the initial “honeymoon” phase.

So what in the world could be better?

I’ll tell you…

Something that includes more of who you both truly are inside.

Something that lets you both live, learn and grow - independently AND together.

In other words… something that’s REAL and will LAST.

The truth is, in a REAL and LASTING RELATIONSHIP, things are going to CHANGE - whether you like it or not.

His feelings will change.

Your feelings will change.

How you both interact will change.

And how much attention each person gives to the relationship and to the other will change.

These are INEVITABLE, no matter who you are or what you want from love and a relationship.

So where am I going with this?

Well, what really matters now that things are changing is how you choose to deal with the changes.

Instead of RESISTING, trying to prevent the changes from happening, and becoming scared and emotional when you recognize change, you need to learn how to work with it.

So let me ask you…

Are you going to allow the changes to FREAK YOU OUT, and let your FEAR and INSECURITIES take over?

Doing this will of course keep on creating negative emotional experiences, MORE DISTANCE, and worst of all… MORE UNCERTAINTY in your boyfriend’s mind about if you are the girl he wants to be with.

Or…

Are you going to start learning to LISTEN, THINK and ACT in ways that create more POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES, less distance, and bring MORE CERTAINTY to your boyfriends mind about you and your relationship?

I take it you’re going to choose what’s behind Door #2 - the “learning” option?

Good.

Let’s get started.

PERFECTIONISM, FEAR, AND GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY

The truth is you will never get back to where you were with someone from when you first met.

But in your relationship, you can become 100 times CLOSER than you were, IF you can LEARN to ACCEPT and UNDERSTAND more about the “whole picture” of who you both are - for better or worse - and start to figure out what to do now that things are more “real”.

But here’s where one of your biggest challenges will come up…

By knowing more about the whole picture, you’ll start recognizing LESS PERFECTION about him and your relationship (which you already are).

And seeing this will keep setting off more FEAR and INSECURITY in your mind.

But if you bother to pay attention, you’ll recognize the same kinds of imperfections you see in him, in yourself.

You are also imperfect in how you act out on your jealousy.

You are also imperfect in your fears.

You’re also imperfect in your insecurities.

And you are also imperfect in your desire for him to be someone or something else.

And guess what?

He sees your imperfections right now too. And part of him inside wants to either withdraw, or run from the situation all together.

But remember, he’s not perfect either.

I can’t tell you how important it is, and will continue to be for your future relationship, to develop the ability to “watch” your own emotions inside as they come up.

That way, you can start to CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE how to let them affect you and how you communicate with men.

Otherwise, you’re on “auto-pilot” and all the advice and “truth” in the world isn’t going to help you.

Here’s a VERY QUICK TIP about this:

Most of us have those instant, negative, knee- jerk reactions in our lives when we are running on “empty” emotionally.

On the other hand, when we’re very FULFILLED in our own lives, and doing the things that makes us feel “full” emotionally, we are MUCH MORE confident, calm and in control.

See where I’m going here?

You need to find a way to start GIVING YOURSELF some of the positive emotional input you’re seeking.

My favorite way, personally, happens to be by using deep breathing and doing intense exercise.

I want you to find your own way. And stick to it.

If you do, you’ll notice a change in yourself and how people respond to you everywhere you go.

But enough about that.

Let’s get back to your situation specifically…

There’s something IMPORTANT I want you to realize about where you’re at.

The things you used to do that worked in the “early stages” of your relationship aren’t working for you anymore.

In part, it’s really that simple.

So…

You need to learn WHAT WORKS in this new area or “phase” of your relationship, and of your own life.

You need to ADAPT.

But here’s where it isn’t so simple…

The way most of us adapt around change is one of the areas of human behavior that’s most FASCINATING to me.

Here’s why-

Most of us have developed a basic set of “strategies” we use in our lives, when it comes to dealing with other people and relationships.

And these strategies were usually born out of “trial and error” throughout our lives and developed in response to our specific environments and the people we were surrounded with.

We’d try one thing… and it wouldn’t work.

Then we’d try another… and it would work.

And then we’d stick with the behavior we found that worked, and use it for years. Sometimes for a lifetime.

But what happens when something around us changes?

What does our strategy usually look like in the face of change?

You got it. It stays THE SAME.

We often spend days, months or years trying the same “strategies” over and over, even when we’re now FAILING again and again because we KNEW for a fact that our old strategy worked.

But we keep doing things that aren’t working again and again, until serious frustration sets in.

Why do so many of us do this?

Well, in part, because our old strategy simply WORKED, and we got a “pay-off” from doing the behavior involved.

Which means that the impulse, too, became “wired up” into our minds to play out automatically.

So most of us believe, on a deeper level, that our strategy is what works best. And if we keep on doing it, the environment around us that has changed will eventually correct itself.

WRONG!

Don’t get stuck in the dead-end cycle of trying to use the SAME strategies in NEW situations.

It’s a sure-fire way to fail - especially with people and relationships.

To make a long story short…

You need to figure out how to communicate in the NEW environments you move into.

You need to find a “strategy for dealing with the built-in “imperfections” of getting truly close and intimate with a man.

You need a new “strategy” to help a man, and yourself, open up in a POSITIVE way that brings you both CLOSER.

You need to figure out how to not just have a great “start” to relationships and never be able to make it work after the honeymoon is over, but how to KEEP the connection, attraction and intimacy AFTER THE HONEYMOON IS OVER.

And you need to start understanding how CONNECTION and ATTRACTION works inside a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP when you’re no longer in a “casual” dating situation.

The two are VERY different.

Which leads me to the second thing I want you to recognize that will help you create a better long term relationship with a man:

You need to start living IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.

Or, on the flip-side, stop living in the past.

I know this isn’t some amazing original insight, but there’s something new and important to see here…

I’ll let you in on a little secret I’ve found out about a few years back.

It’s something lots of women do in relationships that is completely COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to their own emotional well being and for the state of their relationship -

Lots of women play something I call the “connect-the-dots” game in relationships with men.

It goes like this…

You become worried about your relationship, and you start looking for possible signs of danger.

But instead of looking for how things are GOOD in your relationship, you look to see if you can find clues that things are BAD.

And of course you start finding all the “evidence” you need, from the present AND the past.

So you take past events, conversations, behaviors, etc. and start to tie them all together into one giant “conspiracy”.

And in just a few rounds of playing your version of “connect-the-dots” with all the things you think you’re finding wrong, it happens…

You finally come up with “PROOF”.

I’m talking about your very own PROOF that things are BAD in the relationship, or wrong with the guy you’re with.

Which sets you off on an even more intense emotional tail-spin.

And here’s where it gets even more DESTRUCTIVE-

Your guy doesn’t have any idea that you’re thinking about these things, since you haven’t really shared it with him, aside from how you’ve been acting out your fears and doubts.

But you wish he’d see through how you’re acting, and all the “hints” you’re dropping, and open up and ask you what’s REALLY going on.

Sound familiar?

Do you play the “connect-the-dots” game?

Are you an expert at finding the “proof” that things are going bad in your relationship?

Or that he’s thinking about leaving you?

Or that he DOESN’T love you?

IF you are, wake up!

You’re not strengthening your relationship…

You’re breaking it down and picking on all the things you fear in a negative emotional way.

Which leaves a man little choice but to see that you’re emotionally OUT OF CONTROL.

Let me ask you… what do you think a man feels when you’re doing this?

And what does this make him think about being with you?

It often tells a man, on a SUBCONSCIOUS level, that you don’t know how to deal with your feelings in a way that will create positive experiences for you together in the future.

It also tells him that each time doubt or fear comes into your mind, you’re not going to be able to deal with it in a mature and healthy way, and you’ll turn your feelings about it on him and make it HIS FAULT.

A healthy, fun, attractive, successful man does NOT want to be with a woman long term who turns uncertain or challenging situations into NEGATIVE emotional experiences every time.

He wants a woman who brings amazing thoughts, feelings and POSITIVE experiences and growth into his life.

And even if the subject matter is tough or likely to make you both freaked out, he wants a woman who is going to be confident and emotionally healthy enough to work through things with him to create more CONNECTION - not build resentment and DISTANCE.

Of course, men have a lot to learn in this area too, which is also why it’s important to pick the right guy who’s done some of “the work” himself.

But the amazing thing I’ve learned from observing and working with tons of women and men is that it often takes just one…

Just one person in the relationship to be the one to have the emotional “maturity” and skills to take the potentially negative things they’re confronted with in the relationship, and turn them into positive opportunities for growth and connection.

That’s why it’s time…

It’s time for you to shift your thinking from fear, insecurity, uncertainty and idealism… and start finding ways to be the one who helps CREATE the DEEPER CONNECTION you want FOR YOURSELF.

The reality is… it’s EASY early on in a relationship to experience intense chemistry and attraction.

Which makes it EASY for you both to call all the time, think of each other constantly, and want to be with one another every minute.

But when things change, as they always will, it means you have to learn how to create the connection and experiences you want in the new environment.

And best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Something crazy happened the other day…

A friend of mine was dating an amazing woman he had recently met, and things were going great.

They had gone out 5 or 6 times and couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

They both felt a strong level of attraction and chemistry with each other that told them this wasn’t just another thing.

And my friend kept telling me how great this woman was after every date-

“She’s just the coolest woman I’ve ever met. She’s fun, she’s sexy, and we have such an incredible time together.”

I could see his interest in her was growing, and it was clear this was going somewhere in his mind. This guy didn’t usually talk or act this way about women he dated.

It looked like this was more than two people “dating”. It was becoming a “real relationship”.

But then something happened…

I didn’t hear from him for a few days, and I gave him a call.

As soon as he picked up the phone I could hear something was different in his voice.

He didn’t have the same energy and excitement that I’d been hearing lately.

I asked him, “So what’s going on?”

Reluctantly he told me-

“You remember that great woman I was dating?”

“Yeah”, I said.

“Well, I should have seen it coming. I finally found out that she’s crazy.”

And with that, it was absolutely clear that my friend was 100% OVER this woman.

Not 2 days ago he was falling for her and she could do no wrong.

In fact, the thought of her being “the one” might have even crossed his mind.

But in a matter of moments he had gone from passionate and excited to be with this woman to absolutely, positively sure that she would never be the kind of woman he wanted to stay with.

How did that happen?

So how does a man go from into a woman and thinking she might be “the one”, to suddenly WITHDRAWING because he sees her as “crazy”.

Even though she’s the same great woman he used to be so wild about moments before.

Well, I’ll tell you.

Have you ever heard a man you know - a guy friend, a brother, whoever - talk about how a certain woman is “crazy”?

It’s a common word among men… and if you’ve heard how men use this word, then I don’t have to tell you how men use it as a kind of short-hand.

When a guy says a woman who he was dating turned out to be “crazy”… every other guy who hears this knows what this means about the woman without having to ask.

In fact, without having ever talked about it directly, all men speak this kind of “guy code” about women when it comes to what it means if a woman is “crazy”.

All men have what I think of as a highly tuned “crazy” radar system when it comes to women and dating that signals a warning at the slightest hint of what they perceive as “crazy” behavior.

And what’s more fascinating is that all men have the exact same RESPONSE when they get a hint in their mind that a woman they’re dating is acting “crazy” - they WITHDRAW.

The truth is… no matter how amazing a woman seems, and no matter how incredible the time has been that a man’s spent with a woman, if a woman shows up and does anything that makes him see some of those “crazy” qualities, then EVERYTHING ELSE goes right out the window.

It’s as though nothing else ever happened in a man’s mind… and all he can see are the bad things he’s afraid might be there inside a woman.

Now, I know it’s not very “nice” to say and talk about a silly stereotype about women in general that isn’t true, or very mature to use.

But here’s the thing…

This is THE REALITY of HOW MOST MEN THINK about women when dating, for better or worse.

So why do so many men think this way about women and dating? And what can you do about it?

Here are 2 things you need to know:

1) Men “Date” Without A Relationship In Mind

Do you ever get frustrated that you can go out with a man and have an incredible time together, and maybe even go out on a few dates… and then he’ll simply stop calling and act as though there was never anything there between you?

Or have you ever had a man spend lots of time with you, beg for your time and attention, and then once he gets to be with you he suddenly turns on a dime and tells you how he’s not ready for a serious relationship?

Frustrating, right?

But what do all these things have in common?

They all are examples of how men don’t think of “dating” the way you do.

Men can spend time with a woman, be physical with her, and connect with her on a certain emotional level… and still not have any real desire for a relationship.

This in of itself isn’t a “revelation”.

Here’s what is…

There’s a “danger” to feeling that strong CONNECTION with a man.

The “Danger Of The Connection” you feel with a man is that all the things you think, feel and experience with him will tell you inside with certainty that this is something REAL.

The beginnings of an amazing RELATIONSHIP.

But the reality for a man is that feeling and experiencing this connection with you has VERY LITTLE to do with whether or not he will want a relationship with you.

In his mind, the feelings he shares with you are simply part of him “dating” you and spending time with you… and have nothing to do with him thinking about or wanting to COMMIT to anything with you.

2) Mature And Immature Men Can Be “Scared Off” By Women Who Show “Crazy Signals”

I wish it wasn’t so… but men can see the EMOTIONS you share with him as very bad things. Even when your INTENTION is good.

If you’re concerned about your relationship with a man, and you want to help things along by talking to him about it… often times the very same emotions that you feel because you want things to be better are the same emotions that will have him see you as “crazy” and want to get away from you as quickly as possible.

Sure, it would be great if men weren’t so quick to respond to your emotions in this kind of way… but then guess what?

Then they also wouldn’t be so quick to respond to your emotions in POSITIVE ways either.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter