Overcoming The Fear Of Being Single Forever

Written by Christian Carter |  24 Comments
single forever lonely alone

I’ve got a fascinating story for you. Tell me if it sounds familiar…

You’re hanging out talking with some friends, when all of a sudden the conversation turns to a common topic – love and relationships. And each woman at the table starts talking about the situation she’s in and all the amazing things about it. At first you’re enjoying the stories and you’re happy for your friends. But then it hits you…

You are the only person there who ISN’T in an ongoing positive relationship.

Everyone else at the table has someone in their life who they’re excited and optimistic about.

Everyone else has something “real”.

Everyone except you.

You’re ALONE… and that guy who you “date”, without the relationship going anywhere, well he doesn’t cut it. So you stop for a second and think “Maybe it’s me…”.

“Maybe it’s not all because of the way men are, but how I am. That explains why I don’t have real love in my life.”

As you think about this for a second, you can’t help but feel a little lonely all of a sudden, and a small twinge of sadness wells up inside. But as these feelings start to grow, you know inside that you deserve better, and you wish the feeling would just go away. But it doesn’t… and the last thing you want to do is “go there” in front of your friends. Especially since they just got through telling all of their great stories.

You don’t want them to know how you really feel right now… and you wish this feeling and problem would just go away.

You think to yourself:

“Why does love and a relationship with a man have to be so difficult?”

“If only men weren’t so difficult to be with.”

But then your “protective” side kicks in, and you start fighting these feelings and tell yourself:

“I don’t need a man.”

“I’m happy with my life as it is.”

“I’m happy to be single and focus on myself right now, instead of wasting my time and energy in a dead-end situation with a man.”

“Men are all screwed up and trouble anyways, and I don’t need that in my life right now.”

Ahhhh… it starts to work and you calm down and regain your “cool”.

But somewhere deep down inside, you know why you felt sad. Seeing all your friends happy in their love lives reminded you of something…

For all the reasons you have to be happy, and all the ways you can convince other people (and yourself) that you’re fulfilled, you REALLY DO want something much, much better.

You want a REAL CONNECTION.

You want to share REAL LOVE and BE LOVED.

And you wonder how long you can avoid the reality that these things are MISSING from your life by staying busy and taking care of other areas of life.

You know you can’t go on this way forever.

Something has to change.

There HAS to be something better out there for you. Or else what’s it all for?

But then you remember…

It’s been months, maybe even years, since you’ve actually made the time and space in your life to meet and connect with the kind of man who could bring great things back into your love life.

And in fact, the idea of “dating” sounds like a complete and utter NIGHTMARE.

Sitting through a date listening to some bozo, who has no idea how to really connect with you, ramble on about himself, would just make you feel even more hopeless and alone.

So you’ve basically shut out of your life, the idea of dating and going out with men, for more than friendship.

But then how are you supposed to meet and connect with a great guy?

And how did EVERYONE ELSE around you manage to become CLOSE and COMMITTED with a good guy, while you’re having an impossible time finding a guy who isn’t totally clueless?

Do they know something you don’t?

Are you just UNLUCKY in love… and not meant to have a great relationship for yourself?

Are they somehow more attractive than you are?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

And why does it have to be such a “game”?

***End of story**

Ok, I know I got a little “heavy” on you there, but it’s for your own good.

This story is basically a myth… a collection of common situations, fears, beliefs, etc. that women experience.

And in case you didn’t notice, a lot of what was going on here in the story had to do with a woman’s own limiting thoughts, frustrations and negative beliefs about men, dating and relationships.

If you identified with a few of these thoughts, fears, etc. then I want you to recognize something…

Some women have VERY FEW of these negative and limiting thoughts.

While other women have TONS.

I’m talking 10, 20, 30 and 50 times a day here.

And what do you think that does for a woman?

Or for you?

Let’s try something new today – an exercise.

Take a second and imagine something for me…

Picture in your mind a woman you know who’s either single or in a “troubled” relationship.

Make sure you have a clear picture of her in your mind.

Now I want you to imagine her having negative thoughts and fears like the ones we’ve been talking about here.

In fact, I also want you to give her some of the fears and negative thoughts that you have.

And now… concentrate on how these thoughts make her FEEL and ACT.

See how they affect her emotions, her attitude and even her body language.

I’ll give you a second to picture this clearly in your mind…

Ok, now imagine a situation comes up for her uncertain situation with the man in her life.

Picture her emotions, her thoughts and how she communicates to the man in her life in your head.

I’ll give you a second to think about this and imagine it happening in your mind.

I’ll give you another minute.

Ok, come on back.

Now, I want you answer a question for me -

How did all of her negative thoughts affect how she interacted with her guy?

Did they help guide her to positive and constructive communication that brought them CLOSER together?

Or did it tend to make communication with him MORE DIFFICULT and create DISTANCE?

I’m sure you came up with all kinds of fascinating insights and realizations, but here’s what I want you to see here…

Communicating from a place of fear and insecurity with a man will more often create DISTANCE than it will bring you and a man together.

Unless the guy you’re with is ALREADY an expert at communicating and dealing with these things himself, and who keeps your fears from coming between you both.

If only men were experts when it came to having open, lasting relationships and communicating in ways that would bring you closer, right?

Wouldn’t that be nice.

Well, the truth is men are RARELY experts in these areas.

And sure… a man COULD come along and be such a wonderful and amazing guy that he would help make relationships and communicating easier.

But if that doesn’t happen, or the great guy you do find doesn’t happen to have these natural skills and abilities (and by the way, most men don’t)…

Then guess what?

It’s up to YOU.

He’s not going to make it work FOR YOU.

In fact, the reality is that as you are first becoming close with a man, he’s more likely to trigger your own fears than to help resolve them.

I’m not telling you about this right now just because I’m trying to teach you some “mumbo jumbo” about how thoughts, energy and intention work together…

(Which they do.)

But for another simple reason -

There’s something you can do right now to DRAMATICALLY improve the level of connection and intimacy you have in your love life.

It all starts in one place.

Paying attention to HOW YOU THINK.

On a basic level, your own patterns of THINKING and FEELING lead to the ACTIONS you take and the BEHAVIOR you display.

And guess what can create a “negative filter” on your THINKING and FEELINGS?

FEAR.

And if you’re finding that your actions and behaviors aren’t “naturally” attracting good men and creating healthy long term relationships… then you’ve got something to look at right now -

Your own thoughts and emotions, and your own fears.

And, of course, you could worry about HIS ISSUES too, but let’s save working on him for later when you’re up to speed on all this for yourself.

GETTING PAST FEAR, “CONNECTING” ON A DEEP LEVEL, AND MAKING MEN ADDICTED TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP…

Ok, let’s get to some real ANSWERS here.

What do you DO when you have negative, fearful, limiting thoughts and situations going on in your mind that are affecting your love life?

Well, I’m not going to tell you that all women who are single or in “dead-end” relationships are in that place in their life JUST BECAUSE they think and feel in “fear-based” and “self-limiting” ways.

But do the math.

What kind of women do you think men “naturally” gravitate towards?

What kind of women do you think men “instinctively” feel good when they’re around, even if they don’t know why?

What kind of women do you think men understand, on a subconscious level and make great long term partners?

Right again.

Women who are in CONTROL of their own fears and emotions when it comes to men, dating and relationships.

Why?

It’s NOT because feelings and emotions are themselves bad…

Feelings and emotions are probably the most beautiful part of what makes us human and allows us to experience the world in a deep and meaningful way.

But, what I’m talking about here is NEGATIVE feelings.

Because negative feelings, more often than not, lead to NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES.

And women who are in CONTROL of their EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES and who have a handle on their own emotional state, know how to do something that other women can’t and will never be able to fake…

They know how to consistently create more POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES with men.

On one level, it really is that simple.

In practice, it’s much harder.

The truth is that men are attracted to one woman and not another largely because of the way that one woman makes them FEEL.

And NOT because of what logically sound qualities each person and the relationship has.

ATTRACTION and CONNECTION have their own “logic”.

I’ll say it again so you can really hear it this time -

A man is attracted to a woman and wants to be with her, and only her, because of the way he FEELS when he’s around her.

And not for any other reason.

Not even if the women is the most loving, caring, sweet, generous, and intelligent woman in the world.

I’m even going to “translate” this for you so you’re sure to start seeing it more clearly -

Translation: The emotional experiences that a man has when he’s around a woman are the single most powerful reasons why he either wants a long term relationship, or doesn’t.

And to make this even more clear, let me tell you what this DOESN’T mean…

It DOESN’T mean that a man wants to be with a woman because he VALUES a relationship and having true love in his life.

Or that a woman can be so good to a man and do so many loving and generous things for him that he recognizes the LOGICAL value of staying with her and makes the “right” decision.

Feelings and emotions have their own logic, which has NOTHING to do with what makes “sense” or what is “fair”.

And the sooner you accept this as true about men, the easier EVERYTHING in your love life and relationship will become.

CREATING A DEEP LEVEL OF “EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION” THAT WILL LEAD TO A LASTING RELATIONSHIP

So how do you make a man FEEL when he’s around you?

What are the conscious and subconscious emotional reactions and responses he’s likely to be having with you, based on your emotions and your behavior?

Take a minute and think about it.

..

..

Here’s the bottom line…

A woman who can communicate to a man on a deeper level that she’s AWARE and IN CONTROL of her own experience and “emotional” state will make a man feel INTENSE ATTRACTION for her on that same emotional level.

She’s an “emotionally attractive” woman, which can tell a man all kinds of things about her BEYOND the PHYSICAL ATTRACTION and interest he might have.

On the other hand…

Women who DON’T have a handle on these things have quite a different affect on men -

These women can still usually make men feel PHYSICAL ATTRACTION… but they often set off all kinds of conscious and subconscious “warning signs” in a man’s mind.

Signals that then become FEELINGS and EMOTIONS inside the man that tells him to RUN.

And under no circumstance commit himself and attach his emotional experience to hers.

Here’s the strangest part about women who send off these “warning signals” to men…

Most women do this largely ON ACCIDENT.

That’s right. Lots of women actually trigger negative responses inside a man’s mind while doing things they think are FOR THE GOOD of the relationship.

How’s that for COUNTERPRODUCTIVE?

And hey… I know it might bother you to hear some of what I’m saying. And that you probably have been more caring and generous with your thoughts and emotions in your past situations with men than they were with you.

I get that.

But someone needs to tell you how men really and truly think when it comes to women and relationships.

And of course men have their own specialized set of “baggage” and fears too.

But let me ask you…

What do you know, FROM EXPERIENCE, will happen if a man doesn’t deal with his own fears about women and relationships?

DISASTER.

I’m talking withdrawal, break-ups, cheating, lying, etc.

The list goes on.

But if a guy takes the time and develops the “emotional maturity” to think about the negative and limiting fears HE HAS about women and relationships…

And finds a healthy level of AWARENESS and CONTROL around these…

Then this is the kind of guy that women will “naturally” be drawn to and enjoy being with.

Your first step to creating a situation with a man where you BOTH feel the level of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION that will create and support a LASTING RELATIONSHIP is to accept that MEN DON’T MAKE SENSE.

Why?

Because remember, our EMOTIONS don’t follow a logical or “rational” path.

And best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,
Christian Carter


Christian Carter is a leading advisor to women on dating, relationships, connection and love. An expert in psychology, communication and behavior, Christian Carter has developed foundational concepts that help women understand men, dating and relationships. Visit Christian's official website, by clicking here.

24 Comments

  1. Katie says:

    This sounds good but i find it confusing. A man is attracted to a woman by the way she makes him feel. Interesting, but feelings change though.

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  2. star says:

    Very well said and I have to say it truly relates to what is happening in my life. Thanks for posting this!

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  3. Andy says:

    Hello, my name is Andy and I am a Gay 20 year old young man. And I really felt like a lot of this reflected who I am. I’ve been single forever, and although I want a guy I know my mind isn’t going to allow me to do that because I have insecurities with my body and I feel like it would be better to be single and not have a man see me without clothes than to be in a relationship and deal with feeling uncomfortable naked. I wasn’t born with any deformities or anything like that but I do have insecurites here and there and I may sound like “Oh, get over it!” but it means a lot to me, and thats why I think I’m going to be single forever.

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  4. Raleighna says:

    Hi Andy, If you don’t love yourself how can you expect someone else to? No one has the perfect body and lots of people who are not super models or star athletes enjoy wonderful healthy relationships. Why not give yourself a chance? You deserve it. Plus you’re only 20! LOL! Time is on your side in the looks department, trust me.

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  5. kitty says:

    I’m 57 and know how you feel. My body sure isn’t what it used to be and I HATE feeling insecure about that. How does one get out there after a divorce at my stage of life? Yuck!
    Here’s what’s helping me get past it:
    1-Do you really think someone won’t have sex with you because of your body? I don’t think most men are THAT discriminating. In other words, it’s not that black and white. Is there something else beneath the body issue?
    2-work on yourself=you’ll feel empowered and everybody has something that could be improved. Dress properly for your body type (maybe watch what not to wear, e.g.) and your coloring, and do what you can to look good whether it’s going to the gym, better grooming, etc.
    3-Challenge the negative thoughts!! Stop them with some type of affirmation: “I love my body just as it is and I will find someone else who feels the same.”"I am good and I’m going to be better.”
    “I am grateful for the body I have because……”
    4-If you keep thinking negatively then that’s exactly what you’ll get! You’ll attract nothing to yourself.
    5-Be patient! You are only 20! Seriously, how would you like to be my age with the same dilemma? Trust me, there are a ton of us out there-just check the dating sites and you’ll see that what I say is true.
    6-I only date people who have seen my in person-no blind dates, internet set ups, etc. because the anxiety kills me. This way they know what they are getting at the get go-take it or leave it. That has really helped.
    Best of luck!

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  6. Jamie says:

    okay.. that explains a lot!!! My next question, however, is: When a guy is ‘feelin it’ with a certain woman for months or even years, then all of a sudden realizes he doesn’t feel it with her anymore and is out of the relationship.. what happened there? and if it’s just a feeling thing, then does that mean that no man is actually capable of being in a life-long relationship with a woman?

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  7. snoozer says:

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

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  8. Betie says:

    Of course men and women can hav long term relationships look at Paul Newman & Joanne Woodward over 60yrs marriage then theres Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell even Stedman & Oprah!

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  9. Cil says:

    Pretty interesting! But what to do when it is the other around it! So, you don’t believe that there are people who won’t make the date scene as much as they try? I’m asking because the first time I had something for a guy I was eleven. He didn’t want me. After him, every other one of them didn’t want me. Of course that I kept telling myself that It would work and yada yada yada… but you know… I was pretty much rejected every single time! Up to when I finally realized that it would not happen to me. So, I don’t think it is fair to put all the blame in how the woman think. There are woman here that won’t make it. Maybe destiny, fate, karma, ugliness, intelligence, not a good body… you can assume it will happen for whatever reason. But it will happen.

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  10. Stephen says:

    I’m a guy and kind of have the right thing to say to a women if I ever has the change. It seem the lady find out about the person I am and I ended up being used. I’m stuck with be the nice guy that finishes last. I treat a women how a man is suppose to treat a women. I have a great job. I just never get that chance. I just want to make someone happy and in return be happy

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  11. Anonymous says:

    Snoozer, you forgot they are also programmed to rob your wallet, neglect your intimate needs and fantasies, and reject you for WoW. Eventually, you finally get a backbone and then never let it happen again if you find someone else. Or you discover your hand and become free

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  12. Anonymous says:

    I am believe that the energy I put out there and my thinking effects what I make of life. Despite that awareness I can’t seem to get around the fear, anger and sadness around the issues of love and friendship. I am aware but seem not to be in control. I feel a lack of self esteem when it comes to being around my peers. At work I am fine. Alone I feel competent but around others of my age group I am utterly defeated, socially crippled by sadness, jealousy, anger and fear. I have worked so much in the past 2 years to get over this. More recently I started meditating, using self affirmations and even seeing a therapist. I am 32 and single. I have no close friends in the city where I moved to 2 years ago. I feel disconnected and hopeless. This post makes sense but I still lack the support (internal and external) to change my attitude. Help!

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  13. Chrystal says:

    Funny, I’m insecure but its more because I’m afraid I’ll never find anyone that wants me for more than sex. For some reason every man I meet seems normal on the first date, and after that turns into a total perv right after! Sending random texts trying to get me to spend the night, crude comments about my body…etc. I’m not saying I’m hot at all. I’m saying is there some weird vibe I’m giving off that men think its ok to do this? I don’t joke about sex or even bring up on the first date, I don’t dress like a hooker, I can’t figure it out!!! I know that if I give in for the attention its not going to work out, and I end up going on lots of first and second dates but nothing beyond that. WTF?!

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  14. alysia says:

    Hi my name is Alysia. I am eightteen years old and I have been talking to this guy for 9 months and he is in the army, so he is leaving in three weeks. He says that he is not ready to be with someone untill he gets back. But he doesnt even know if he wants to be with me. we have been talking for so long well I am completly in love with him, and don’t know what to do now that he has left me. I can’t take this pain anymore, I just want to leave and never come back. I miss him so much. someone please tell me what to do. He was my best friend before we started talking and now i didn’t just lose someone i love but i lost my best friend too.

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  15. Nateisha says:

    Snoozer, you said “Women are biologically programmed to cheat. It’s in their DNA.” I`m sure this is coming from pure bitterness as I`ve never heard a man say this.. I have however, heard plenty of women say it about men! It`s up to the individual, regardless of gender, to be faithful or not. I`m sorry for your experience but hopefully things are looking up for you now! (Hope you read this!) Good luck for the future and take care

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  16. Adrienne says:

    God almighty. Some people will remain single. That’s just a fact.

    I hate it. I don’t want to be single forever, but I’ve a feeling it may happen and that’s life. What the hell can I do??? Travel the world endlessly looking for Mr. Right, or Mr. Half Right????

    He may be out there, but he may live in bloody Greenland…. How will I ever find HIM??? Never is the answer.

    So I’ll be single forever and have to live with that, and my vibrator!!!! Sad but true.

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  17. L.M says:

    stephen
    don’t lose hope. maybe someday you will find the right girl for you. Just don”t change your good attitude towards girls. for those girls who used you, there are stupid.

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  18. Greg says:

    I think there are lots of men and women out there who have been single for a long time because they try to hard to make a relationship work or they force logic into it to make it happen, instead of letting things happen on their own and fall into place. I think those women who are in their late 20′s or early 30′s and complain about still being single, while all their friends are married and have gotten into long lasting relationships, are either too picky or just don’t have the right personna to create the attraction with a guy.

    For example, they have long checklists for finding the perfect guy, and I dislike that concept. They will have about 10 things they want in a guy and if he lacks 1 or 2 of them on the list, they think they will be settling on someone, which they don’t want to settle. And therefore, they wil dismiss the guy. My tip is, you either shorten that checklist to 3 things at most and stop being picky, or you realize they should be things you want rather than things you have to have/need in a guy.

    It’s 2011 and more and more women out there are developing more negative and possibly unnecessary thoughts about men the more they get hurt or break up with them. And you cannot add those experiences to your fear and let it affect your future. Women choose men, so they should give more men a chance to be happy with them. Just because the previous guy cheated on you, doesn’t make it fear for the next guy you like to suffer just because of a “fear”. Women need to rethink things such as this, and that will help their “emotional maturity” big time. So the part where you said how men react to a woman’s emotional level or sense, you are right.

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  19. Alone says:

    I had my love for 5 years, i learnt so much about women and not so sure thats a good thing, i see women in a whole diffrent way now, so now im 27 yo male.. i have no friends and no girlfriend, not even anything close, its been a year and i havnt met anyone i connect with or should i say “want to connect with” and i get the feeling i never will again… i only have one fear… and thats being a lonely old man.. the scary part is …. i can already see it so clear.
    but i would rather be alone than with someone just to cure this loneliness….

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  20. sil says:

    what if the woman is often admired, has great platonic relationships with men, wants to have a romantic relationship with a man, but cannot let him get close… does not want to dive in…

    Hurt from lost love quite a few years ago.. she desperately wants to let go.. but when it comes down to it, she realizes she hasn’t.. no matter how hard shes tried.. moved across the world.. made many sacrifices.. tried everything to move on, and in her heart, she can’t.. and thats why shes sad…

    will she ever love again? have children? will she grow old alone? shes lovely, intelligent, honest, kind and scared…and tired.

    I’m afraid of giving up… I don’t want to..

    what then?

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  21. Ashley says:

    I really wish I was not going to be single forever. I just want to die.

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  22. Carol says:

    I am 32 yrs old and the only one of all my friends who is not married and raising children. Apparently I am fussy but every guy I meet who is single just does not appeal to me and I don’t mean looks wise. I don’t want to be single forever but I honestly can’t see myself meeting anyone suited to me at my age. Where are all the good looking, nice, independent, normal men???

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  23. Sally says:

    I have so many friends, and outwardly my attitude is so positive. I go to great lengths to hide my negative side, and for the most part, it works. I know i’m a nice person, I’m not skinny but I still think I’m pretty enough to attract someone. Yet I must have a neon sign flashing on my forehead “Hey Losers, over here! Come use and abuse me!” So they did. I had an abusive alcoholic husband for 10 years til I got up enough guts to run, then I ended up with an abusive alcoholic boyfriend for 3 years until I couldn’t take any more pain. They broke my heart, my spirit, and my hope of ever finding real love. Men don’t find me attractive, I’m invisible when with my friends, they get all the attention, and they are all in relationships. The only attention I’ve had in the past 4 years is from 3 men who weren’t willing to date me in public, they just lied to me long enough to get me in bed, sometimes they’d even stick around for a few good romps, then I never saw them again. So that neon sign is still flashing, and I’m afraid to even try again, because I’m just damaged goods now. Chewed up and spat out like old gum.

    My mother has been alone ever since I can remember, she seems happy by herself, I don’t know how she’s done it all these years. I feel weak and pathetic for being so sad about being alone, while my mom manages just fine, for a lot longer than I’ve had to. I wish I could just not care, wish I could get past this awful feeling of needing attention, affection, validation from someone else, and never getting it.

    It’s easy to say think positively, but when you’ve had nothing but negativity in your life, it’s difficult to get past that.

    How do you think positively about love when all you’ve ever known is hearbreak?

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  24. Cheer up says:

    Have any of you thought about getting off the internet and actually getting out there and start living! Join a gym, book club, social club and start socialising. Mr or Ms Perfect won’t come knocking on your door, you have to go out and find it. Try and be more positive!

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