Entries from November 2007 ↓

Tell me if this has ever happened to you…

You’re with this great guy, but he seems to be doing something that’s not so great in your relationship.

And it’s starting to bother you.

A lot.

At first you tell yourself that it’s no big deal, and you try and be the “bigger person” and overlook it.

But eventually it gets to you that he doesn’t see what’s going on… and he doesn’t seem to be paying much attention or care the way you do.

So you want to say something to him, but the right time never seems to come.

Then one day he does something that, in other circumstances, wouldn’t be such a big deal.

But since you’ve been holding on to all these other feelings and carrying them around inside for so long… something happens that surprises even you-

You completely lose your composure, and you let him have it.

Maybe you yell.

Maybe you cry.

Or maybe you become completely withdrawn and cold as ice.

Whatever you do, it’s INTENSE.

You can actually feel all the emotions you’ve been carrying around well up and pour out of you in this moment.

And once you get started, you can’t stop.

It ALL comes out as you get totally carried away with your feelings and emotions.

Afterwards, you feel a sense of relief because it feels good getting things off your chest. And you know that it’s good to share your feelings and be honest because it can bring you and a man closer.

But not so fast…

The man in your life doesn’t act like he feels any closer to you now that you’ve shared how you feel with him.

Instead of him understanding you better, he’s completely WITHDRAWN.

Arrrggh!

Here’s something you can do about this kind of frustrating situation with a man right now:

If you find that your emotions get the best of you when you try and talk honestly with the man in your life and it’s tearing you apart…

Or…

If you find that your fears and emotions are keeping you from attracting the right man and getting a great relationship started in the first place, then there’s something you need to do-

You need to quickly get yourself into the right state of mind where the man for you will be naturally drawn to you and your unique “energy”.

Whether you’re aware of it or not, he will sense the mental and emotional “state” you’re in… and he’ll either instantly “feel it” for you, or he won’t.

And sure, if you don’t know what to say or do you’ll have a hard time as well.

But if you’re not coming from the right place as a woman inside… then it won’t matter
what you say or do with a man.

He will hear how you are FEELING louder than anything else.

And if you’re feeling scared, insecure, or uncertain… then he won’t want to get any closer to you.

Instead, he’ll want to get away from you.

So you’ve lost your composure with a man and let fly a whole bunch of feelings that were bottled up inside you… and now he’s acting totally different.

He won’t even talk to you now, and he acts like talking to you is the very last thing on Earth he wants to do.

But wait a second…

He was the one doing the things that upset you or bothered you in the first place. And now that you talk about them and finally get to share your feelings, he pulls away from you!?

What gives?

Before I tell you what’s going on here with a man, I’ve got to be honest with you about
what it really takes to have the kind of loving and honest relationship you probably want where you can share exactly how you feel with a man.

The truth is, you’ll NEVER be able to CONTROL what a man does, or what he decides to do.

Ever.

And if you try, it’s going to mess things up even worse for you and it will backfire.

If you’ve ever tried to change a man, or “fix” him, or convince him to think or feel differently about things in your relationship, then you’ve probably spent a lot of time feeling
like you’re beating your head against a brick wall.

You already know that trying to TALK to a man and get him to think or feel differently when it comes to problems in your relationship RARELY gets you the outcome you want.

But lots of women accidentally fall into this trap.

And without knowing how or why, they find themselves trying to change a man, get him to think or act different, and generally “control” him.

I’ll say this as plainly as I can.

When it comes to men and relationships - this NEVER works.

Ever.

And that’s why trying to get a man to change, think differently, or feel differently in a relationship isn’t the way to a more certain, joyful, lasting love life or relationship.

Now, does this mean that a man can’t or won’t change what he wants, or the way he feels about you and your relationship?

Absolutely not.

Men do complete 180 degree changes in a matter of days or weeks with women ALL THE TIME.

In fact, I was just talking with two good female friends of mine and both of their husbands didn’t want a serious relationship when they were first dating.

So what did these two smart and amazing women do?

Well, first they remembered that they love themselves MORE than they love their relationship.

Which for some women seems like it would mean acting “bitchy” or selfish.

It doesn’t.

Because they loved themselves enough to know that they were amazing loveable women.. they did NOT go into the panic stricken “fix it” mode that so many women go into when they hear their guy isn’t ready for more.

They were able to ACCEPT how their man was feeling.

The second thing they did was simply tell their boyfriend (future husband) that they didn’t see the relationship going anywhere that worked for them because he didn’t want what they wanted… and that they wanted more.

*Note here - they didn’t plead with them. They didn’t complain. And they didn’t try and fix or change him and tell him in so many ways that how he felt was wrong.

So… what do you think happened for both of these women with the men in their lives who weren’t interested in anything “serious”?

The men said, “Ok, I guess it’s over” and their relationships ended.

And the women simply walked away.

Oh no!

But wait… (and here’s where it gets good)

What do you think happened next?

Both of these men ended up calling about 10 to 12 days later.

And guess what? Both of them were suddenly 100% certain and ready about moving forward in their relationship.

So let me ask you…

Did these women try and get the men they were with to love them and be with them by pleading with them, complaining about what was wrong, or trying to CONVINCE them?

No. But this is exactly what most women instinctively do when a man starts showing any sign that he isn’t totally engaged in their relationship - they get scared by it and try all kinds of weak and convincing behaviors to try and change the way he feels.

Hopefully you’re starting to get the fact that a man is NEVER going to change the way he FEELS because you don’t like how it makes you feel.

Men can change in what they want and what they feel… but the REASON THEY CHANGE rarely, if ever, is because a woman asks them to.

A man will change when HE wants to… when he has the time and opportunity to find HIS OWN REASONS to change.

And no matter how smart and intuitive or insightful a woman is, and no matter how “right” she is about what’s going on… a man still has to change for his own reasons.

Now that you’re up to speed on the subtle dynamic that keeps so many women chasing men while pushing them farther away… I want to get back to what’s going on with YOU.

Here’s a quick question for you…

Do you think there’s something going on inside you that’s keeping you from being the very best you?

Is there something about the way that you feel inside, or the way you react when you’re around a man that not only doesn’t help you and isn’t serving you… but is actually driving a good man away without you meaning for it to?

One of the most amazing things in life that I’m personally fascinated with is what I call “blind spots”.

These are the things that others see and feel when they’re around us that we can’t seem to see about ourselves. Even when other people try to tell us or show us.

We all have these of our own.

The question is… what are your “blind spots” with men?

And how much are the things you aren’t even aware of getting in your way right now?

If you’re like lots of women who keep repeating the same relationship patterns over and over with the same kind of men… then the reality is that you have some pretty big blind spots right now.

Ones that you haven’t been able to see or recognize about yourself for YEARS.

Which means that odds are, you aren’t going to become aware of them anytime soon.

That is, unless you get a little help.

Your very first step to stop accidentally pushing love away from you is to accept your part in love’s creation… and in love’s destruction.

The truth is that it’s YOUR BELIEFS about love and how it works that has played the greatest part in keeping you from its fullest expression in yourself and others around you.

Accepting your part will give you back your personal power to create and share Love.

Your second step is to look at what is making you unhappy and evaluate if this “work” you are putting in- is it for this person you are dating, or the possibility of what YOU want him to be?

Are you trying to change him, or subtly convince him to be different than who he really is?

What if a man was constantly communicating to you that the woman you really were wasn’t good enough for him, and that you needed to change to make him happy?

This isn’t a solid or healthy foundation for a real or lasting relationship.

Remember my two amazing married friends who stopped wanting things to be different, and instead accepted the men they were with for who they really were, and how they felt?

Their relationships ended… only to be recreated in a way that had the man truly engaged and committed. And the rest was history.

Of course, you can’t fake your way through this kind of thing with a man.

You can’t want a man to change for you, and feel scared and insecure about yourself and your future… and then tell a man that things aren’t working as a manipulation and get him to suddenly change for you.

You have to genuinely be in the right place inside and have this be your “truth” for your relationship to become TRANSFORMED and GROW as a result.

Doing this out of fear and anxiety will only backfire and the man will leave and never call again.

That’s why your third step here is to make sure you start to discover all the blind spots that are keeping you from what you want.

The funny thing about this is that the act of starting to find and identify your own personal “blind spots”, and then HEALING them is what is going to put you in that magical emotional state that will draw the right man to you and make him want to stay with you.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

What’s the hardest thing to do when you’re first dating a man you really like?

I’ll give you a hint - it’s NOT keeping his interest or attention.

This one thing often means the difference between a great lasting relationship coming together… or a man wanting to leave.

So, do you know what this one thing is?

I’ll tell you…

It’s having that first “talk” with a man about your feelings, your relationship, and where things are going.

In case you didn’t realize it yet, this first serious talk you have with a man can tell him more about you and what your future relationship will be like in his mind than anything else you do.

Now, did you also know that for most single women this is the pivotal moment in time where the “wheels start to come off” with a man?

More “potentially” great relationships come to an end sooner than they should have because of how this first “talk” goes… and the relationship never has a chance to grow.

Ok, back to it.

Let me explain a little bit about how and why things go wrong for most women when they try and have “the talk”.

Think about this…

Before trying to have the talk, things are usually fun and easy… and the guy you’re with thinks you’re incredible and feels relaxed and acts open and loving around you.

He’s communicative, affectionate, and is constantly wanting to spend time with you.

But the moment you try and actually TALK about what’s happening between you, he starts acting VERY different.

Instead of being drawn closer to you as a result of you wanting to talk… he suddenly starts acting like you’re PRESSURING him.

Arrrggggh!

Even though all you want to do is talk and share your feelings.

Why are men so predictable this way?

I’ll get to why this is in a second… and tell you what you can do to make any “talk” you have about your relationship with a man bring you CLOSER, instead of push you apart.

But first… here’s what I find most fascinating about this critical moment in time-

If you’re like lots of women, then it’s YOU who decides that it’s time to have “the talk” and you start the conversation.

(Hint #1 - When you’re the one to start a conversation about a specific topic, you have an incredible OPPORTUNITY to “steer” the conversation in the direction you’d like it to go. But only if you know how and only if you’re willing to take the incredible RESPONSIBILITY that goes along with the opportunity you get with this.)

Unfortunately, most women DON’T initiate the talk from an entirely “positive” place.

And more importantly, most women don’t do and say things in this talk that gets a man to RESPOND and OPEN UP in a positive and loving way.

Instead, they end up “accidentally” having the talk at some less than ideal time because their EMOTIONS get the best of them and take over the conversation completely.

Danger!

I call this being on “auto-pilot”, where the feelings and thoughts you are having literally take control… and you no longer consciously CHOOSE what you want to do and say.

Now, I’m sure you already know where this will get you with a man you’re close to.

It will get you NOWHERE. FAST.

But am I saying it’s bad or “wrong” to have strong or intense emotions, and to share them with a man?

No.

I get that when you have a whole lot of feelings for a man, and a lot of things that are going UNSHARED between you… it can be frustrating and tiring to “carry” all this around and wait for the right moment to talk to him.

You should be able to share your thoughts and feelings with a man.

But it shouldn’t be so difficult with a man who’s mature and got his act together, right?

Wrong.

The reality is that “the talk” with a man isn’t hard because he doesn’t “get it”.

It’s hard because of the situation that is created in the way you start the talk, and the feelings YOU are bringing to it that a man senses and responds to.

Here’s the point…

If you keep on thinking that men just don’t get it and act strange when you try and talk
to them about “real” things, then guess what’s going to happen?

You’re going to keep getting BAD RESULTS each time you decide to share the way you feel with a man and want to talk to him.

And…

You’re NEVER going to get to a place where you can UNDERSTAND MEN. Let alone interact and talk with a man in a way that let’s you be “honest” with your feelings AND causes a man to want to be closer to you after the fact.

The reality is, if you’ve struggled and had bad outcomes by trying to have the talk with a man in the past… things are obviously not working for you.

But not for the REASONS you believe.

There’s something going on here for you at A DEEPER LEVEL… and with the way a man responds to you.

And until you understand what those things are both for YOU and for HIM, you’re bound to keep repeating the same mistakes with men over and over in the same relationship patterns.

(Hint #2 - What YOU are feeling, and what’s going on inside YOU, turns out to be exactly what makes the talk with a man take a turn for the worse. It’s not just that he isn’t capable of “getting it” or listening.)

Of course, if you want to keep on blaming men for being the ones who can’t communicate and who don’t get it… you’re free to do so.

But don’t get frustrated and upset the next time you get the SAME RESULTS with a NEW MAN you’re dating.

The Thing That Makes Him Not Want To Talk

Something fascinating happens when you start to have strong feelings for a man you’ve been dating for a short while-

Even if you tell yourself you’re going to take it slow and “play it smart”… you can’t help but start to quickly grow ATTACHED.

And in fact, your own feelings start to sneak up on you.

And once you recognize this, something inside YOU changes that creates a huge “shift” in your relationship and the way a man feels when he’s around you…

You recognize that for your own SAFETY and sanity, you need to find out what “the deal” is with this guy BEFORE things go any further, and you share even more of your heart, mind, and body.

So you decide you’d like to simply talk with your guy and see where he’s at.

But deep down, something inside YOUR MIND has already changed.

And as you get into the conversation, and you start getting an idea that he’s not as into your relationship as you are… something else instantly shifts in you…

You shift from wanting to simply talk and share more around your LOVE and AFFECTION for each other and keep things going, and you feel and talk about something else entirely.

And it’s at this point that suddenly a new emotional element gets introduced into the conversation.

FEAR and UNCERTAINTY.

But what’s worse, it’s YOUR fear and certainty about where things are going, and what might go wrong that starts to make him feel strange and start acting DISTANT.

In just a few short moments, you’ve gone from wanting to talk with him to feeling worried and anxious, to NEEDING to know what he’s feeling and what he wants to try and feel better.

But of course he doesn’t have an answer for you. He doesn’t know what he wants. And now things are no better than before.

In fact, now he’s acting DISTANT and gets more and more WITHDRAWN as time goes on.

Now… here’s a question for you-

When you show up with all these quickly shifting emotions going on inside your mind…
and all this fear and uncertainty about how a man is feeling and going to respond to you, can you guess what will happen next.

I’ll tell you.

He ends up SHARING the fear and uncertainty that you’re feeling.

But instead of it making him want to turn TOWARDS you and figure out what’s going on and what this is about… he TURNS AWAY from you.

(Hint #3 - Emotions are CONTAGIOUS. If you are carrying around some kind of fear or negative feeling and you start talking with someone you’re close to, they will sense your emotional “state” and respond to it. And with men, when they sense emotional uncertainty and fear inside a woman they’re dating, their gut-level reaction is to GET AWAY!)

Now, a man will share your fears, and respond negatively to your uncertainty no matter how “good” or loving your intentions are.

It’s not just your intention that matters…

It’s the feelings and emotions you bring to “the talk” that shape the way you SAY and DO everything… and therefore also shapes the way the man you’re with SEES you and FEELS when he’s around you.

And for most women, when they bring a level of fear and uncertainty to the first “talk” with a man… it tragically marks THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

By wanting to talk about your relationship in order to make it better… you can end up having the exact OPPOSITE EFFECT on your relationship than you set out for.

WHY TRYING HARDER OR TALKING MORE DOESN’T WORK WITH A MAN… AND WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Let me ask you a very direct question…

Have you ever talked a man into doing something he didn’t want to do?

If you’ve spent much time around men at all and know anything about how men can be… then you know that trying to “push” a man into something has just one result-

The harder you push… the harder he’ll try to RESIST you.

Let me be really honest with you right now.

Reading all of this, you might be feeling even more frustrated than you were before.

This is a good thing.

Here’s why- if something about me describing in detail the situation where things go wrong with a man, the things you feel, and how he responds gets to you… then the reality is that there is some “truth” in this for you.

But more importantly, it also means that there’s an important lesson that you could learn here.

If you’re tired of trying to be the one to change and adapt to make things work with a man… then I get where you’re coming from.

But here’s the thing-

You can waste all the energy in the world trying to get the results you want with men, dating, and relationships.

But if you’re not doing WHAT WORKS with men, then your energy could be endlessly drained and wasted. It wouldn’t matter how hard you tried, or how much you wanted things to work out… or how good of a person or a woman you are.

None of that will matter if you’re still not doing the right things.

I can’t tell you how many women write to me and share that they wished they had come across my eBook and my other programs years and years ago.

It would have saved them literally years of wasted time, energy, and tears by doing all the wrong stuff.

I don’t want you to continue to have to try and make what doesn’t work with men work for you, out of sheer will and determination.

When you find what works in life, it’s amazing how quickly everything seems to fall into place.

You probably know this feeling already where things just seem to “flow”, and each situation in life comes to have a significant and meaningful purpose that connects to all the others you’re having.

And all the people and relationships around you just simply fall into place for you with no “effort” at all.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

I purchased your e-book last night and have been reading it. Wow! But I admit I skipped to some parts to get to others that I thought I needed to read first…and now I’m going back to read the entire thing. I wanted to share something with you first that struck me.

I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him - more than a friendship. We have been intimate with each other about 3 times. Everything was fine until I mentioned my feelings to him. I wasn’t asking him for a relationship…but he took it that way. I have since then been pouring my heart out to him and pretty much looking insane.

Is there any way to save it? I know he has feelings for me.

Please help…and tell me how to reverse the damage I have done.

Thanks so much

T.

WAKE UP GIRL!

I’ve got to slap some sense into you for your own good.

I’m going to skip some critical stuff here because you’ve got my book.

And I’ve got some new ideas for you too…

There’s an important scientific word I want you to learn and remember:

“Duh”

You OBVIOUSLY have real feelings for him - you’re sleeping with him!

And I’m willing to bet you had these feelings all along, but you just weren’t completely up front about them.

Your situation is possibly the WORST kind of uphill battle a woman can have with a man early on.

It’s a BIG NO-NO.

Actually, it’s THE big NO-NO in the early dating stage…

Using purely “physical attraction” to start a potential relationship.

Now, you can go from a committed and deep relationship to something “casual” or physical.

And for most men, that’s relatively easy.

But, it is almost impossible to go from the “friends-with-benefits” situation to a deep, fulfilling, intimate and lasting situation.

If you know what I’m talking about here say, “Amen!”

I know this first hand.

From my own love life and from lots of men and women I’ve known in my life.

So… rarely do I give rules, but here’s an absolute RULE when it comes to men -

DON’T EVER try and start things with a man at a casual and purely physical level if you EVER want the option for something more meaningful or long term.

Men don’t work this way, like it or not.

And don’t try to get a man BACK with physical attraction and sex either.

It’s a dead end street.

OK… here’s the first thing you need to do.

Go read my book again - and this time finish it.

Then read it 2 more times.

(Just buying it won’t help you.)

The worst part of this is that you’re smart and you know better - I can tell.

But, I guess you’re a glutton for punishment.

And I can’t see why you’re surprised with how frustrating your situation is…

Because YOU helped create it with your own choices.

But, you’re still not getting it, so I’m going to give you a crash course in the kind of dating that leads to love and happiness that you need.

Ready?

Here we go…

1. KNOW YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU’RE AFTER

You said, “I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him.”

It’s NOT a mistake to share your feelings with a man.

It IS a mistake to share your feelings with a man too early and in a negative context.

And, you made both of these mistakes, therefore, setting yourself up for failure.

How?

By choosing and “tolerating” a situation that just doesn’t work for you.

INSTANTLY you become the nay-sayer and antagonist for the story you chose to live out and the role you signed up for.

At least that’s the way your guy probably sees it.

One minute you’re blissfully happy in his embrace and then a day or two later your feelings of content have turned to fear and desperation…

All because of a “talk” you wanted to have with him.

Yeah, I’m riding you a bit hard here, but it’s for your own good.

Instead of being open with yourself about what YOU are truly after, you pursued some kind of “friends with benefits” strategy to get things moving.

I don’t believe that this kind of relationship came about because of any part of who you really are.

That’s why you’re freaking out.

You thought you could handle it.

You thought you’d get something out of it.

And for a minute, it was fun.

But then your feelings snuck up on you.

Eventually you were reminded of what you’re really after with a man and what you value.

Right now you have two pictures in your mind:

One picture is of this “casual” thing going on.

And the other one is what you actually want.

The two pictures are so radically different and far apart from each other, that it’s no wonder you’re acting “insane”.

Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line for what you’re ACTUALLY doing with this guy.

It’s time to stop creating situations in your life that you KNOW won’t make you happy or comfortable - even if they feel good in the moment.

2. FIND YOUR PERSONAL STANDARDS & REQUIREMENTS… AND THEN STICK TO THEM

Starting things with a man in this “casual sex” way, is a SURE FIRE way to ruin your odds of creating something more meaningful in the future.

I’m a guy.

I know.

But, more importantly, getting into a “casual” situation with a man you might want to date, has a
VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.

So…

Unless you’re one out of a hundred thousand women that gets “swept off her feet” by an open, caring, great communicator, who makes moving into a committed relationship effortless… then you’re going to have to start asking yourself some questions about what you really want from your love life.

And, find some answers…

And then… oh my god… actually be honest about them from the start.

Here’s an important question to ask:

WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS?

And I do mean YOUR needs.

Not what you’re accepting or tolerating or hoping to get from a man just because there’s nothing better around right now.

Be clear here and think it through.

I’ll give you a minute…

Most women I know who are casually dating, have a set of subconscious requirements that have to be met for them to be able to enjoy the process of dating.

But, they rarely recognize these requirements, or communicate them in an appealing way to a man, that also speaks to his needs.

So, they end up in a situation that is anything but what they were looking for.

Here are a few of these “must haves” that women often aren’t honest about at the start:

- That any man they’re involved with, in any way, isn’t dating or still involved with another woman

- That he’s open and ready to explore a serious relationship once they get to know each other

- That he share some the same values and priorities in his life that she does - or can at least appreciate and support her values

Here’s an example of “stereotypical” female values in order of priority:

Love -> Trust -> Intimacy -> Connection

And, here’s one example of “stereotypical” male values in order of priority:

Financial Success-> Adventure-> Freedom

See any area for conflict and confusion about what’s important if these two people got together?

Interesting…

So, how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS to feel good when it comes to men and dating?

And, how do you communicate these to a man?

Do you do it indirectly through frustration and anger when your requirements aren’t being met?

And do it AFTER THE FACT?

Or do you do it directly and in a positive context as things are getting started, so you’re in sync from the get-go?

Think about it for a second…

I’ll give you more time because this one’s important…

Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going to make the right decisions for you.

And he won’t be able to magically recognize and meet all of your needs or values.

Sticking to your standards helps you show a man how happiness works for you.

3. RADICALLY REJECT BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN’T MEET YOUR STANDARDS

After observing and studying how our minds work, I recognized something FASCINATING a few years back.

When we’re in a negative situation with someone in our life, we’re there because we’re getting something out of it behind the scenes.

Here’s what you’re getting out of the “casual” thing…

You get a safe and risk free path to get close to this guy.

Even though you’re not close at all.

Also known as “working it from the ‘friend zone’”.

So, for you, to get your needs met by getting close and intimate in a way that seems, at first, to be REJECTION or ABANDONMENT FREE for you.

After all, how vulnerable would you be if you shared what you REALLY were looking for up front?

Then you might end up feeling disappointment or loss.

Or be unable to continue the “friendship” that you have right now.

And maybe having to start over alone might actually be worse in your mind than having something crappy that you’re “tolerating” and fighting with a man about.

If you look deeper, you’ll probably see that your desire for something more was there all along underneath the surface.

But, you didn’t want to share it for fear of scaring him off or getting hurt.

This may sound harsh, but you’ve got to be clear and direct with a man if what he’s doing is not up to par with where you need your partner to be.

You have to show a man what a woman wants and needs because he probably wasn’t born knowing it like you were.

And, do it in a way that rejects the BEHAVIOR, not him personally.

My favorite way of thinking about how to do this, is to be like a “velvet hammer”.

Strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at the same time.

The funny thing is, that as tough and as “bitchy” or self-centered doing this might sound right now, most men respond MAGICALLY to a woman who does this in the right way.

Why?

Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life and her world.

There’s nothing that triggers more intense “long term” attraction in a healthy and mature man, than a woman who he CAN’T control and doesn’t get thrown off center when her needs aren’t met.

Using the “velvet hammer” also has another AMAZING benefit that women don’t often recognize… or they don’t even see as a benefit at first.

It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away because they’re never going to get their act together in the first place, or just don’t want to.

A large percentage of the time, the man will stop communicating or go away for a short while.

But here’s the best part…

With the “good guys” that you probably WANT to be with long-term, something FASCINATING happens…

They come back around.

And even better, they’ve done all the leg work themselves to be a better partner… in a way the woman could have never fixed or convinced him to do, no matter how hard she tried.

4. FIND AND USE WHAT CREATES DEEPER ATTRACTION AND CONNECTION WITH MEN

Ever hear of “approval seeking” behavior?

It’s when we try to do and say things simply to get a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves from someone else.

Well, it’s a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man early on.

Your need for your guy’s APPROVAL is your worst enemy right now.

To him, what you’re doing is actually the complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.

I’ll give you an example…

Have you ever seen what it looks like when a man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman?

As he’s just getting to know her and he sees that she hasn’t completely made up her mind to want to be with him, what does he do?

He buys her gifts.

He calls her all the time.

He offers to do favors and errands for her.

All these are attempts to prove to her that he’s good enough to be with her or to get her attention.

This is also known as the “really nice guy” approach.

Women just never seem to quite “feel it” for the super nice guy.

Of course, some women disagree and like to tell me that they really like nice guys.

Here’s my take…

A guy can already be attractive AND do nice things.

Agreed?… You CAN be attractive AND do nice things.

But doing nice things DOES NOT make a man more attractive.

If a woman wasn’t really “feeling it” before, no amount of nice guy behavior will win her heart over.

It just doesn’t work that way.

With me here?

Instead of making her feel attracted to him, what is actually happening inside a lot of women when a man is taking on the “nice guy” strategy?

Somewhere deep down she starts to lose RESPECT for him because she knows she can CONTROL him.

The woman doesn’t consciously choose to experience this, but it’s how she FEELS.

And feelings are the most powerful things we have to drive our beliefs and desires.

Ever stop to think that the same thing might work in reverse between a woman’s behavior and a man’s?

Interesting…

I’ve got a FASCINATING question for you.

Guess what one of the most common, central, human experiences is that we all feel when it comes to LOVE?

Give up?

It’s a LOSS OF CONTROL.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, think about a love you’ve had in the past, or friends you know who have been head over heels in love.

Or pick up a book on the physiological and psychological effects of love on our minds and bodies.

There have been lots of great studies.

Crazy stuff.

Anyway, our minds work obsessively on thoughts about the other person when we’re in love.

We think and plan to do all kinds of things for our lover.

Part of why we do this is to try and find the best way to get or share love back from the other person.

Some of this is beautiful and positive, but not all of it.

Some of what we do is to think up ways to try and CONTROL the other person, so they won’t ever leave or take the love we’re feeling away.

The classic adolescent example of this is when a girl wants to break up with a guy, and the guy falsely threatens to kill himself if she leaves.

I’m not making light of that horrible situation, but it’s a good example.

Nod your head if you know what I’m talking about and you get where I’m going with this.

What I’m doing here is showing you the subtle connection between LOVE and the LOSS OF CONTROL experience.

Now, let’s tie it back to approval seeking behavior…

How does approval seeking effect LOVE?

And, what does it have to do with CONTROL?

For men, approval seeking behavior KILLS the spark that comes from the uncertainty of not knowing exactly how the women he’s with is going to think and act.

What does a man have to think and wonder about if he’s got complete certainty about everything a woman’s going to do?

Do you think a man feels intense desire, love and respect for a woman he can completely control?

Or when her behavior is totally predictable?

And what if she starts acting predictably NEGATIVE?

Think about it…

It’s this “natural tension” and challenge of not having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong ATTRACTION in men.

HERE’S WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

What most women ask in situations when a man isn’t responding the way they want him to is…

“WHY is he acting this way and how do I make sense of it and “fix” it?”

Well, you can’t “fix” a man.

And I really feel for you if you’re one of those women who are trying.

But, you CAN change a situation and the FEELINGS that a man is having for you.

You can change his EXPERIENCE with you.

The toughest and most important thing to understand is that mens behavior and thinking in these situations aren’t at all LOGICAL.

In other words, how a man reacts doesn’t make ANY “sense” and doesn’t follow any rhyme or reason.

So, of course, it baffles and frustrates women when they run it through their own “sense making filters”.

Let me ask you a question…

If you were an attractive man, would you want to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make you attracted and feel good… or would you want a woman who just “got it” on her own… “naturally” and everything flowed?

Duh. (there’s that scientific word again)

You’d want the woman who already “got it”.

So, more likely than a conspiracy against women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON’T respond to women who DON’T.

OK, let’s talk about these concepts a little bit more.

Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is about a man perceiving that he and a woman are “naturally compatible” because his emotional and physical sparks fly when he’s around her.

NOTE: I did NOT use the word “logical” here.

Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman and then thinking to himself:

“Let’s see…she’s got a good job, works hard, and is a really good person… Hmmm, I think that we have some natural attraction going on here.”

WRONG.

For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE or it ISN’T.

There are no two ways about it.

If it isn’t, he’s not FEELING it.

Unfortunately, most women think:

“Well, if things aren’t going great, it must be because he doesn’t know something that I know, or feel something I feel. I think I’ll explain to him logically from my point of view how he needs to feel like I do… and then he’ll get it and know how and why we should love each other.”

Thanks and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

I found your book to be incredibly interesting and quite insightful. Lots of moments of clarity on a subject that is, at least for me, fairly foggy. While I’m not exactly new to the dating game, each experience I have had with dating, boyfriends and even a fiancée has turned up new and exciting horror stories. And then all of a sudden, I think I see the light. In reading your notes about women who subconsciously send signals of essentially being too interested and men’s responses to them, I totally saw myself. While I am more than a little reserved about an outright appearance of “needy” (I’m a very attractive, well educated, highly successful woman and I don’t NEED anyone…right??) I suddenly realize, after reading your book, that my inner emotional state is actually very high-pressure, even if I try (probably unsuccessfully) to hide it. It’s my inner control freak taking over. I find myself dressing a little nicer when I think I might run into the boy-du-jour. Positioning myself in places where I might “run into” him (I swear I’m not a stalker, but I think most women actually engage in this kind of ridiculousness). Fantasizing about my life with him in it. And all of a sudden, there I am, trying to take control and ensure the proper development of this “relationship”. (of course- I’m always in control, right? That’s how i’ve gotten so far in my career and other areas of life…) And then, inexplicably, the more I try to control the situation by impatiently interfering with the natural flow of things, the more I lose my patience and emotional cool. My long-winded point is, that prior to reading your book, I had not been able to step back from my own issues enough to realize that my “control” was actually making me lose control. Amazingly, this explains not only my own relationship breakdowns, but those of most of my gorgeous, successful girlfriends who also seem to have no luck with men. We have successfully built careers (and great figures) with hard work, persistence, and ultimately achieving control of our situations. It’s a pattern that has worked in careers where competition and winning is key. However, sometimes I think we view romantic interactions with men, not as an interpersonal communication in which we must evaluate the other person’s point of view, but as just another part of the life scheme that has been set forth for every good superwoman- the significant other that we are expected and expect to have. The problem is that. you never “have” another person. Nor should you. Your book made me step back and reevaluate how I have been going about dating- as though it was a means to an end. And I firmly believe that this was the point of breakdown for me (and probably for lots of other women). Dating must be viewed as a means to a relationship with another person, not as a means to HAVE that other person. Thus, that person’s needs must be objectively evaluated as very much separate from my own. If men can be happy and even have a need to pursue and compete, then why be readily available? It just doesn’t make sense when you put it that way. And you did. As a result of your book, I truly believe I will be able to reevaluate the way I look at the men I date- as PEOPLE. With individual interests, needs, wants, beliefs and expectations. Not as extensions of myself (like MY career and MY home) that I build based on my expectations, interests, etc. Thank you so much for sharing your gift of a fresh perspective, no doubt based upon plenty of extensive research. I really think this will change dating for me.

Sincerely, A.W. in Missouri

Wow.

I love hearing from smart, analytical and thoughtful women like you.

Thanks for being so open and sharing your personal experiences… and for the feedback about my book.

There’s something really FASCINATING about what you’ve brought up.

Over the last several 20 or 30 years, as women have started to enjoy a more “equal” place in society with careers, opportunity, etc., something strange has happened.

Have you noticed that women are often no longer considered “womanly” or “feminine” once they’ve become independent and successful in their own right?

I have.

And not coincidentally, everywhere I go I hear women talk about how much it sucks that men are intimidated by successful women and don’t want to be with women who are on an “equal” or higher standing.

Well, with so many women talking about this phenomenon, I’ve thought a lot about how and why this is happening to women.

And why men are responding the way they are.

How can being smarter, more independent, talented, etc. than other women and other men actually become something negative?

After lots of research, observation, and personal experience, here’s what I realized about the “plight” of the successful and independent woman…

I’m about to tell you the reasons why successful women often have a HARDER TIME than other women finding love.

REASON #1: INDEPENDENT AND SUCCESSFUL WOMEN ARE SMART ENOUGH TO BE DANGEROUS

Have you ever noticed that other smart and successful women around you are often the ones alone or in the least fulfilling relationships?

And have you ever noticed that no matter how intellectually educated a woman is, it doesn’t make her immune to the problems of love that a broke or uneducated woman might face?

How can that be?

Does that mean an education and success is worthless?

No. But it does mean that one doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with the other.

Lots of women assume that since they’re intelligent that they can FIGURE OUT or solve any dumb little dating or relationship dilemma.

They think that all it takes is enough focus and determination and they’ll work everything out.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

You can’t “think” a man into feeling something for you.

Just like you can’t get a man to treat you differently just because you logically figured out what’s wrong with him and you let him know.

In fact, doing the latter is more likely to have you standing alone in the cold than being held tightly in his arms.

Being “right” doesn’t mean you’ll be loved.

REASON #2: BELIEVING IN THE “MEN DON’T LIKE SUCCESSFUL WOMEN” MYTH

I can’t tell you how many women I talk to that tell me how men are scared, afraid, turned off by or intimidated by successful or independent women.

I get where they’re coming from, but they’ve confused one thing for another.

The truth is, men DON’T DISLIKE successful women. But they DON’T LIKE them either.

Let me explain…

It’s obvious in this day in age that being successful and independent aren’t “male” qualities that exclude women from being attractive if they have them.

But here’s the thing…

Most men DON’T CARE how successful a woman is.

I mean that literally. They don’t care.

Here’s why -

No matter what a woman does for a living, and no matter how much money she makes, none of that is going to make a man FEEL anything for a woman.

Following me here?

Are you attracted to a man JUST because he’s rich or successful or can buy whatever he wants?

Obviously not. A man’s success can add to his appeal, but it doesn’t create it.

Men aren’t any different in how they feel about women.

But lots of women who are successful secretly believe that their success should change how men act around them.

And some women, just like men often do, start to rely on their success to attract men.

The truth is, success isn’t going to turn a man on or create a great situation.

If a woman doesn’t UNDERSTAND how to attract a man and create a great relationship, becoming successful isn’t going to change that.

But being a woman who LEARNS to ATTRACT men and create the right situation for love AND also happens to be successful is.

REASON #3: SUCCESS ITSELF WON’T GET YOU THERE

Being successful can be a nice quality or a “bonus” about a woman, but inside a man’s mind, success has nothing to do with whether or not he feels ATTRACTION or LOVE.

But, lots of successful women seem to be disappointed by this.

Understandably, they’re frustrated that the respect and status that they’ve earned at the office or in life hasn’t translated over to their love life.

Even though in the back of their minds they keep thinking that becoming successful has worked for men all these years.

WRONG.

This isn’t how it works for men either. So, let me use that as an example.

Just because a man is successful or rich, a genuine and open woman doesn’t care anything about that.

She only cares about how he makes her FEEL.

Most women just want to know that a man makes her FEEL ATTRACTED to him, and that he’s open and loving and he’ll always be the strong and solid person that he is today.

So, even if a man is rich and handsome, if he doesn’t LEARN to become a good partner who makes a woman EXPERIENCE LOVE and FEEL ATTRACTION, then the women isn’t going to respond.

Like it or not, it works the same way for successful women.

Success won’t buy you love, affection or get you shortcuts to a great situation with a man.

It just might help get you in the door.

REASON #4: ASSUMING THAT SUCCESS “STRATEGIES” CROSS OVER TO MEN AND RELATIONSHIPS

Successful women have obviously found and used smart “strategies” to get where they are with the people around them.

They try and test all kinds of new ideas, approaches, attitudes, etc., until they find what works and then they stick with what’s best.

And things go great. It’s like they’ve got the world and everyone around them all figured out.

That is, until they run into a “guy problem” and somehow everything seems to instantly go whacko and stop working.

So, they just take their best strategy and try harder and harder at it, so sure that it will work since they’ve seen the world open up to them with
it.

But, there are no results this time and it’s a total shock to the system.

Men are the WORST at doing this, by the way.

Tons of husbands come home each night and try to run their family and marriage with the logic and efficiency that they use to make things work in business.

How do you think that works out?

REASON #5: SUCCESSFUL WOMEN OFTEN “ACCIDENTALLY” PREVENT MEN FROM NATURALLY FEELING ATTRACTION WITH THEM

Have you ever thought about how a man falls in love with a woman?

One of the most important and central elements of love that takes a man from just “interested” to “in love” with a woman is experiencing a LOSS of CONTROL and the absence of PREDICTABILITY with the woman.

And no, this doesn’t mean that he gives control over to the woman and she has it.

I’ll explain…

When a man is experiencing ATTRACTION and CHEMISTRY with a woman and he DOESN’T know exactly what’s going to happen next, then everything becomes terribly exciting.

And if the woman isn’t acting controlling or manipulative, then there’s a “space” or “void” that’s created between the man and woman.

It’s this natural “psychological space” that moves the man closer and closer to the woman as he’s trying to close the “emotional gap” between them.

Then the man begins to wonder what he can do to win over more of the woman’s affections and attention.

And it’s this out-of-control feeling and the desire to fill in the gap between himself and the woman that starts the classic patterns of love.

Unfortunately, lots of successful women get in THEIR OWN WAY and prevent the natural patterns that lead to love from taking place.

The most common way that successful women get in their own way is when they starting doing things to control each and every aspect of what’s going on between her and the man.

*Cue the semi-obsessive behaviors like those that the reader mentioned in her email.

Like plotting to be where a man will be or and pretend to have “run into him”.

I think a lot of us can identify with that kind of behavior in one way or another.

The problem with these kinds of behaviors is that they do something damaging to us when we use them.

These are self-manipulations that stir up all kinds of anxiety and distance in your own mind.

AVOID THESE kinds of things because they only lead to more obsessive worrying and more plotting.

It’s part of what’s called a negative feedback loop.

What’s most important here is that these behaviors do an almost perfect job of destroying the “tension” a man and a woman both feel when there’s a “natural” flow of energy between them.

REASON #6: SUCCESSFUL WOMEN ARE USED TO BEING IN CONTROL

Most mature women want to have a great relationship and continually experience deep love and intimacy once they’ve found a worthwhile and attractive guy.

But often times their desire to have their ideal situation is so strong that it can actually drive them to try and CONTROL the situations they’re in and the man they’re with.

Successful women have an uncanny ability to pull together every aspect of their life and make it work.

But, what happens when successful women who have been gracefully in control of their lives get into a situation where they can’t CONTROL the outcome and the other people involved?

What happens when there is NO LOGICAL SOLUTION or straightforward answer that will make things work out the way they’re used to?

What happens when they get involved with a man and things are no longer within their ability to control?

In these situations, successful women often end up feeling completely OUT OF CONTROL and begin to panic.

And then FEAR kicks in because they’re not used to not having total control of their environment.

So, they start doing whatever they can think of or what works for them in other situations in order to try and get CONTROL back in their lives.

Of course, what they often do to try and regain control is negative, fear driven, and doesn’t take into account the feelings and desires of the man… and so it backfires.

The man freaks out, he sees her as “crazy” and then he withdraws.

You might, unfortunately, already know that story.

What’s fascinating here is that the woman’s attempts to CONTROL are often more DESTRUCTIVE than they are productive.

Trying to CONTROL how a man feels, what he thinks, and how he acts around them not only doesn’t usually work for women - it often works AGAINST them and repels the man.

REASON #7: THEY FALL INTO THE TRAP OF USING “MASCULINE ENERGY” TO SHAPE THEIR LOVE LIFE

The energy, drive, focus and discipline that can push women to success in their work can be a potent force to create the outcomes they want.

Unfortunately, this same attitude and approach DOESN’T translate over to getting outcomes women might want with men, love and relationships.

In fact, this attitude often becomes an obstacle to creating an intimate and loving situation with a man.

Successful women often make the mistake of approaching men and relationships with the same kind of intensity and energy that they seek to influence or control things at work.

They start to lead their interactions, conversations and decisions with men with what I call “masculine energy”.

This energy is very direct and purposeful and it has an amazing ability to motivate and push us to overcome and break through barriers.

But, it isn’t the energy that creates an intense and LASTING CONNECTION with a man.

The “feminine energy” is the energy that attracts a man, and can lead and TEACH him how and why to stay open to a woman.

The “feminine energy” is what shows even the most clueless and reckless of men how to become a great and loyal partner - just like it’s the “masculine energy” that ATTRACTS women, and shows them a man’s strength, love and character.

Now, I’m not saying that women don’t and shouldn’t have masculine energy. Lots of attractive and interesting women are full of masculine energy.

But, I’ve learned that women can be VERY SUCCESSFUL and have AMAZING LOVE LIVES by knowing when to use masculine and feminine energy.

The key is awareness.

So, let me ask you….

When a woman uses or leads her interactions with a man with her more “masculine” energy, what happens?

Most men aren’t able to open up or attach and connect with a woman who’s meeting them with their “masculine energy”.

It doesn’t make a man FEEL close, comfortable, and trusting, and it doesn’t draw him in to connect with her.

In fact, lots of men react NEGATIVELY to women who present them with a lot of masculine energy.

When some women talk about men not liking successful women, this is what they’re talking about.

Men don’t like a woman’s masculine energy in place of something WAY MORE IMPORTANT to him -

How ATTRACTED he is to her and how she makes him FEEL.

So, let’s wrap this up for now…

One of the most critical things that I see successful women “missing” in their interactions with men, dating and relationships is the idea of creating “Intellectual Attraction” - and using their natural “feminine energy” to do so.

A man might enjoy the idea of a woman being successful, but it isn’t going to make him think about her like he might a woman who pushes all his male buttons.

A man doesn’t think, “Gee, she’s got a great job, makes good money and doesn’t depend on anyone else to support her, I think I’ll be into her.”

Actually, it’s the exact opposite.

A man sees or meets a woman and Wham!

He instantly falls for her, and he can’t exactly explain why.

And that’s because there is no reason or logic to why it happens - it happens inside a man’s mind.

When a man becomes attracted and interested in a woman, it’s because his FEELINGS and EMOTIONS were TRIGGERED by something about the woman.

And no amount of logic, analyzing, convincing or “success” in a woman’s life can control this.

If a man doesn’t FEEL IT for a woman, nothing else will do the trick.

But if a woman CAN make a man feel attraction for her, then it doesn’t matter how successful, gorgeous or shapely she is.

After years of research and observations, I’ve finally “cracked the code” on what actually works to trigger ATTRACTION in men.

And you’d be surprised to learn that ANY WOMAN can learn what these triggers are and how to start learning to use them in her own life and relationship.

Of course, I’m not just talking about that “one night stand” male kind of attraction.

That’s easy. Seduce a man.

I’m talking about the “long-term-he-stays-up- all-night-thinks-about-her-all-the-time-and-does- crazy-romantic-boyish-things-just-because-he-has- to” attraction.

That deeper and more intimate “relationship material” attraction.

I call this “Intellectual Attraction”.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Why is it that a man can be so amazing, affectionate, and share a strong “connection” with you at first…

But then turn out to be unable to stay close and loving with you when it comes to a real, lasting, committed relationship?

I’m sure you have some of your own ideas about why this is… but I want to share some FASCINATING new insights into why men behave this way.

Let me ask you a question…

And try to be as honest about this as you can.

Have you ever met a man who you felt a strong connection with, but something else inside told you he wouldn’t be “good” for you in the long run?

But you moved forward with him in spite of the clear signs of danger you saw in him?

Maybe you opened up anyway and fell into a relationship with him… perhaps for months, or even years… but eventually everything fell apart the way you thought it would, and that’s when it dawned on you that your very first gut reaction to him and where he was at in his life was RIGHT.

And as much as you tried to learn the “lesson” that was there for you, you went on to meet ANOTHER man, and again your sixth sense told you he was great but that not everything was “right” when it came to having a real, lasting, loving relationship with him.

That’s where your mind becomes torn between two different choices:

Choice #1. Should you know better from your last situation and “nip it in the bud” with this guy so that you could avoid the pain, frustration, and wasted time and energy of what happened to you before with a guy who wasn’t “ready”?

Choice #2. Or should you throw caution to the wind, knowing that you can’t carry around “baggage” and that to make love work you have to take chances and let things grow before there can be true love and the kind of CERTAINTY in a relationship you know is possible?

Sound familiar?

Well, the strange and painful truth here is that there is no right choice in this situation.

If you’ve been in enough situations like this, then you know from experience that either choice can lead you to what you’re NOT looking for -

Being ALONE… and NOT having a fun, loving, carefree and “effortlessly committed” relationship with a man.

But if both of these choices can lead you down the path of loneliness and lovelessness, then what in the world is going on here?

And what is the right thing to do in these kinds of situations with men?

Well… what if I told you there was an easy way to QUICKLY and ACCURATELY get a true reading of what a man was about and what he REALLY wanted, and was ready for, with you from the very first date?

And what if I told you that there was a way for you to intuitively know what the right choices were with a man in your life to help grow a deep and lasting connection?

Would this save you from the painful situation of giving your heart to a man who wouldn’t be able to care for and appreciate it?

There is a way…

I’ll talk to you again soon… and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter