Thankyou, for doing this interview Elina. What can you tell me readers about yourself?
I am a relationship expert and the author of over 20 books. I have struggled with commitment phobia all of my life, and finally realized that I had it when my boyfriend of seven years and I broke up. We had never talked, hinted, or even alluded to moving in or getting married in seven long years. At the time, I thought it was great. But looking back, I realized that it was really strange. And yes, you can be commitment phobic and be in long-term relationships, see the “Long-Distance Runner” type. Anyway, after we broke up I became a “ serial dater/player” going from one short lived relationship to the next. I realized then that I had nothing to show for myself and that my fear of commitment was becoming a major problem.
Looking back at my life, I realized that I had never really thought about making a commitment to someone. Sure, the concept was always lodged somewhere in the back of my brain, but it was more like a random after thought than a solid idea. It took many years of introspection, looking at my personal history, and watching myself sabotage every relationship to finally realize that as much as I wanted stability and comfort, I was equally if not more petrified of making a permanent commitment.
What convinced you to right a book on “commit phobic” women?
When I first started think about this problem, I could have easily dismissed my fears as a simple case of relationship ADD or not having met my “soul mate” (whatever that means). But I thought there was more to it. I couldn’t help but suspect that there were many other women who experienced the same ambivalence as I did; the conflict of wanting to be with someone but not at the expense of their personal freedom. I was desperate to find out what was at the bottom of these issues, and that’s when I set off to find more information in order to help myself and the many other women struggling with this fear.
There is no such thing as the “Accidental Single.” If a woman thinks she is a victim in the game of love, hopelessly unlucky, or that men are the cause of all her relationship problems, she is usually mistaken. All of us choose our love lives, whether we know it or not.
There are numerous ways in which we avoid commitment – whether we do things halfway, reject people we care about, conceal our true feelings, or keep one foot out the door at all times to protect ourselves. Looking back on my life, I realize that the fear of seeing something through and committing myself wholeheartedly was more about my fear of failure than anything else; because if I didn’t put all of myself into something then I couldn’t be blamed for when it didn’t work out. And that, of course, was a sure fire guarantee that nothing ever did.
What are the top signs women are commitment phobic?
Once the excitement of first romance has passed, you get bored in most of your relationships.
- You have a habit of dating “unavailable” men (married, involved with someone else, geographically or emotionally distant, etc.).
- You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
- You go from one short-lived relationship to the next.
- You back out of plans at the last minute and/or have trouble setting a time for dates.
- You often stay in relationships that are rocky and offer little to no hope of commitment.
- You consider you married friends’ relationships boring and feel that many of them have settled.
- You tend to feel “smothered” in a relationship.
- You cultivate larger networks of friends and acquaintances, at the expense of single romantic relationships.
- You have a lot of relationship trauma in your past.
- You have a habit of avoiding conversations about marriage and the future with the people you date.
- You date more than one man at a time to prevent becoming dependant.
- You have a tendency to pick fights and criticize your partners.
- You have a difficult time getting over past boyfriends.
- You prefer hook ups and friends with benefits scenarios to relationships.
- Your career is very important to you and you often choose work over relationships.
- You are constantly blowing “hot” and “cold” in your relationships.
Can you give an insight into one of the characters from your book? Perhaps ‘The Player’
When it comes to women, there isn’t just one type of commitment phobe.Commitment phobia can manifest itself in a variety of different ways, which is why I have organized the types into seven basic types — the Nit-Picker, Serial Dater, Tinkerbell, Free Sprit, Damsel in Distress, Player, and Long-Distance Runner.
Now for “The Players.” Commonly known as “man eaters,” players are always hungry for new sexual experiences, go through one guy after another, and collect notches on their Prada belts like sailors on bar stools. The player usually goes after a guy, sleeps with him, and then dismisses him before he’s had the chance to prove himself — or even cook breakfast for that matter. While some women can’t seem to separate love and sex, players are all too slick in this department and can neatly compartmentalize their urges like most women do their makeup drawers. Many of them are addicted to the highs of bedding a new man every night, and make no apologies for their behavior. While no one would begrudge the player a little bit of fun, one has to wonder what she is avoiding. Many players have difficulties relating to men, and feel that they can better control relationships that are based solely on sex. The question they have to ask themselves is: What’s really behind the tough, horny girl bravado? Are they really into sex or are they using it as a way to avoid commitment?
Why do most women end up “commitment phobes”?
There are many factors contributing to this – including delayed motherhood, increased financial independence, decrease in single stigma, and high rate of divorce have all made women a little gun shy. Also, our culture tells women to look outside themselves for relationship answers and point the finger at men. Instead, women need to take a long hard look at themselves and stop allowing fear to sabotage their love lives. Women have become afraid of the very thing they sometimes want most.
What is one of the solutions for these women?
Many women confuse “settling down” with “settling.” But there’s no such things as the Perfect Guy. So when they do find someone and he has flaws, they think that they’re settling when in fact they’re realizing that compromise is necessary in any relationship. Also, here is some other advice:
Don’t Always Trust Your Gut – It’s hard to discern between gut reaction and commitment anxiety.
Be Wary Of Commitment Saboteurs – Single friends often have a stake in keeping you single (who will they go out on the town with?) and even parents who might be scared of losing you might send signals that you shouldn’t commit. But your love life is not a free for all democracy. Make your own decisions.
Stop Overanalyzing – If you’re 80 percent certain, that may be as good as it gets.
Don’t Panic – Feeling cold feet or fear about commitment is very normal.
How are single women taking “Kiss and Run”?
The reaction has been extremely positive. Some women are really aware of their issues and are releived to find a book that validates their issues. Other women start in denial mode and then read the signs and discover they are commitment phobic. It’s amazing to see the thought process evolve. And guys have been really positive, too, since many have had to cope with their share of CP girlfriends and now have an explanation am for why things went wrong. It’s been really rewarding hearing all the positive feedback.
To order “Kiss and Run”, check out prices here.
For more dating advice for women, check out Christian Carter.
