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I purchased a copy of your ebook yesterday! It’s amazing, it’s like my new bible! Woo! Congrats! I was reading and got really scared when I started reading on page 124 about neediness. I have pretty much been doing nearly all off them! But yesterday I said to myself I would try to change! And I will for the sake of my relationship! I have been dating my man for a year this May. Do you think there is still time for me to get my relationship back to the way it was when he called me more, told me he loved me more, and couldn’t wait to see me?

I may sound in denial, but I know it’s me that has been bitching out of jealousy lately. I have been overly emotional to try to attract his attention and I have recently become clingy. I am going to change, as I feel I am pushing him away. In fact, I feel he has dropped me some hints that I’m pushing him away. What do you think?

L.W.

Ok, you’re doing about 132 different things to screw yourself up here, and sabotage the good things you have going.

And the worst part is… you know it.

But you still CAN’T HELP YOURSELF.

Ouch.

Do me a favor and go ahead and give yourself a good hard SLAP!

Ok, now that you’re awake and listening…

Let me address your direct question first, since I won’t be able to get to your whole bag of “goodies” here.

“Is there still time for me to get my relationship back to the way it was when he called me more, told me he loved me more, and couldn’t wait to see me?”

No.

And stop trying. (Go ahead and give yourself another slap here for worrying about this.)

You will NEVER get back to how you both were before things grew into a new place in your relationship.

Period.

And in case you don’t see it, the fact that you’re no longer in that early “intense” stage, and have moved past it together, is largely a GREAT thing.

But not for you in your freaked out, love starved mind.

Here’s the first thing I want you to recognize-

Relationships GROW and CHANGE.

Sit and think about that simple truth for a minute.

Think about how every relationship you’ve ever had, with each person you’ve met, has changed from where it was when it began.

Now that you’ve thought about this…

I don’t know if you see this yet, but it’s a GOOD THING that you’ve grown past what you had before.

“But how?”, you’re wondering.

Because you now have the potential to have something EVEN BETTER.

Seriously.

Better than the “cutesy, pet-name calling, spending all weekend in each others arms, not seeing anyone but each other for days, talking all night on the phone till your ear hurts, feeling nervous and anxious each time you’re going to see each other” situation you had when you first got together.

I know… There’s nothing like that instant, intense chemistry and attraction you feel and share in the initial “honeymoon” phase.

So what in the world could be better?

I’ll tell you…

Something that includes more of who you both truly are inside.

Something that lets you both live, learn and grow - independently AND together.

In other words… something that’s REAL and will LAST.

The truth is, in a REAL and LASTING RELATIONSHIP, things are going to CHANGE - whether you like it or not.

His feelings will change.

Your feelings will change.

How you both interact will change.

And how much attention each person gives to the relationship and to the other will change.

These are INEVITABLE, no matter who you are or what you want from love and a relationship.

So where am I going with this?

Well, what really matters now that things are changing is how you choose to deal with the changes.

Instead of RESISTING, trying to prevent the changes from happening, and becoming scared and emotional when you recognize change, you need to learn how to work with it.

So let me ask you…

Are you going to allow the changes to FREAK YOU OUT, and let your FEAR and INSECURITIES take over?

Doing this will of course keep on creating negative emotional experiences, MORE DISTANCE, and worst of all… MORE UNCERTAINTY in your boyfriend’s mind about if you are the girl he wants to be with.

Or…

Are you going to start learning to LISTEN, THINK and ACT in ways that create more POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES, less distance, and bring MORE CERTAINTY to your boyfriends mind about you and your relationship?

I take it you’re going to choose what’s behind Door #2 - the “learning” option?

Good.

Let’s get started.

PERFECTIONISM, FEAR, AND GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY

The truth is you will never get back to where you were with someone from when you first met.

But in your relationship, you can become 100 times CLOSER than you were, IF you can LEARN to ACCEPT and UNDERSTAND more about the “whole picture” of who you both are - for better or worse - and start to figure out what to do now that things are more “real”.

But here’s where one of your biggest challenges will come up…

By knowing more about the whole picture, you’ll start recognizing LESS PERFECTION about him and your relationship (which you already are).

And seeing this will keep setting off more FEAR and INSECURITY in your mind.

But if you bother to pay attention, you’ll recognize the same kinds of imperfections you see in him, in yourself.

You are also imperfect in how you act out on your jealousy.

You are also imperfect in your fears.

You’re also imperfect in your insecurities.

And you are also imperfect in your desire for him to be someone or something else.

And guess what?

He sees your imperfections right now too. And part of him inside wants to either withdraw, or run from the situation all together.

But remember, he’s not perfect either.

I can’t tell you how important it is, and will continue to be for your future relationship, to develop the ability to “watch” your own emotions inside as they come up.

That way, you can start to CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE how to let them affect you and how you communicate with men.

Otherwise, you’re on “auto-pilot” and all the advice and “truth” in the world isn’t going to help you.

Here’s a VERY QUICK TIP about this:

Most of us have those instant, negative, knee- jerk reactions in our lives when we are running on “empty” emotionally.

On the other hand, when we’re very FULFILLED in our own lives, and doing the things that makes us feel “full” emotionally, we are MUCH MORE confident, calm and in control.

See where I’m going here?

You need to find a way to start GIVING YOURSELF some of the positive emotional input you’re seeking.

My favorite way, personally, happens to be by using deep breathing and doing intense exercise.

I want you to find your own way. And stick to it.

If you do, you’ll notice a change in yourself and how people respond to you everywhere you go.

But enough about that.

Let’s get back to your situation specifically…

There’s something IMPORTANT I want you to realize about where you’re at.

The things you used to do that worked in the “early stages” of your relationship aren’t working for you anymore.

In part, it’s really that simple.

So…

You need to learn WHAT WORKS in this new area or “phase” of your relationship, and of your own life.

You need to ADAPT.

But here’s where it isn’t so simple…

The way most of us adapt around change is one of the areas of human behavior that’s most FASCINATING to me.

Here’s why-

Most of us have developed a basic set of “strategies” we use in our lives, when it comes to dealing with other people and relationships.

And these strategies were usually born out of “trial and error” throughout our lives and developed in response to our specific environments and the people we were surrounded with.

We’d try one thing… and it wouldn’t work.

Then we’d try another… and it would work.

And then we’d stick with the behavior we found that worked, and use it for years. Sometimes for a lifetime.

But what happens when something around us changes?

What does our strategy usually look like in the face of change?

You got it. It stays THE SAME.

We often spend days, months or years trying the same “strategies” over and over, even when we’re now FAILING again and again because we KNEW for a fact that our old strategy worked.

But we keep doing things that aren’t working again and again, until serious frustration sets in.

Why do so many of us do this?

Well, in part, because our old strategy simply WORKED, and we got a “pay-off” from doing the behavior involved.

Which means that the impulse, too, became “wired up” into our minds to play out automatically.

So most of us believe, on a deeper level, that our strategy is what works best. And if we keep on doing it, the environment around us that has changed will eventually correct itself.

WRONG!

Don’t get stuck in the dead-end cycle of trying to use the SAME strategies in NEW situations.

It’s a sure-fire way to fail - especially with people and relationships.

To make a long story short…

You need to figure out how to communicate in the NEW environments you move into.

You need to find a “strategy for dealing with the built-in “imperfections” of getting truly close and intimate with a man.

You need a new “strategy” to help a man, and yourself, open up in a POSITIVE way that brings you both CLOSER.

You need to figure out how to not just have a great “start” to relationships and never be able to make it work after the honeymoon is over, but how to KEEP the connection, attraction and intimacy AFTER THE HONEYMOON IS OVER.

And you need to start understanding how CONNECTION and ATTRACTION works inside a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP when you’re no longer in a “casual” dating situation.

The two are VERY different.

Which leads me to the second thing I want you to recognize that will help you create a better long term relationship with a man:

You need to start living IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.

Or, on the flip-side, stop living in the past.

I know this isn’t some amazing original insight, but there’s something new and important to see here…

I’ll let you in on a little secret I’ve found out about a few years back.

It’s something lots of women do in relationships that is completely COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to their own emotional well being and for the state of their relationship -

Lots of women play something I call the “connect-the-dots” game in relationships with men.

It goes like this…

You become worried about your relationship, and you start looking for possible signs of danger.

But instead of looking for how things are GOOD in your relationship, you look to see if you can find clues that things are BAD.

And of course you start finding all the “evidence” you need, from the present AND the past.

So you take past events, conversations, behaviors, etc. and start to tie them all together into one giant “conspiracy”.

And in just a few rounds of playing your version of “connect-the-dots” with all the things you think you’re finding wrong, it happens…

You finally come up with “PROOF”.

I’m talking about your very own PROOF that things are BAD in the relationship, or wrong with the guy you’re with.

Which sets you off on an even more intense emotional tail-spin.

And here’s where it gets even more DESTRUCTIVE-

Your guy doesn’t have any idea that you’re thinking about these things, since you haven’t really shared it with him, aside from how you’ve been acting out your fears and doubts.

But you wish he’d see through how you’re acting, and all the “hints” you’re dropping, and open up and ask you what’s REALLY going on.

Sound familiar?

Do you play the “connect-the-dots” game?

Are you an expert at finding the “proof” that things are going bad in your relationship?

Or that he’s thinking about leaving you?

Or that he DOESN’T love you?

IF you are, wake up!

You’re not strengthening your relationship…

You’re breaking it down and picking on all the things you fear in a negative emotional way.

Which leaves a man little choice but to see that you’re emotionally OUT OF CONTROL.

Let me ask you… what do you think a man feels when you’re doing this?

And what does this make him think about being with you?

It often tells a man, on a SUBCONSCIOUS level, that you don’t know how to deal with your feelings in a way that will create positive experiences for you together in the future.

It also tells him that each time doubt or fear comes into your mind, you’re not going to be able to deal with it in a mature and healthy way, and you’ll turn your feelings about it on him and make it HIS FAULT.

A healthy, fun, attractive, successful man does NOT want to be with a woman long term who turns uncertain or challenging situations into NEGATIVE emotional experiences every time.

He wants a woman who brings amazing thoughts, feelings and POSITIVE experiences and growth into his life.

And even if the subject matter is tough or likely to make you both freaked out, he wants a woman who is going to be confident and emotionally healthy enough to work through things with him to create more CONNECTION - not build resentment and DISTANCE.

Of course, men have a lot to learn in this area too, which is also why it’s important to pick the right guy who’s done some of “the work” himself.

But the amazing thing I’ve learned from observing and working with tons of women and men is that it often takes just one…

Just one person in the relationship to be the one to have the emotional “maturity” and skills to take the potentially negative things they’re confronted with in the relationship, and turn them into positive opportunities for growth and connection.

That’s why it’s time…

It’s time for you to shift your thinking from fear, insecurity, uncertainty and idealism… and start finding ways to be the one who helps CREATE the DEEPER CONNECTION you want FOR YOURSELF.

The reality is… it’s EASY early on in a relationship to experience intense chemistry and attraction.

Which makes it EASY for you both to call all the time, think of each other constantly, and want to be with one another every minute.

But when things change, as they always will, it means you have to learn how to create the connection and experiences you want in the new environment.

And best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Something crazy happened the other day…

A friend of mine was dating an amazing woman he had recently met, and things were going great.

They had gone out 5 or 6 times and couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

They both felt a strong level of attraction and chemistry with each other that told them this wasn’t just another thing.

And my friend kept telling me how great this woman was after every date-

“She’s just the coolest woman I’ve ever met. She’s fun, she’s sexy, and we have such an incredible time together.”

I could see his interest in her was growing, and it was clear this was going somewhere in his mind. This guy didn’t usually talk or act this way about women he dated.

It looked like this was more than two people “dating”. It was becoming a “real relationship”.

But then something happened…

I didn’t hear from him for a few days, and I gave him a call.

As soon as he picked up the phone I could hear something was different in his voice.

He didn’t have the same energy and excitement that I’d been hearing lately.

I asked him, “So what’s going on?”

Reluctantly he told me-

“You remember that great woman I was dating?”

“Yeah”, I said.

“Well, I should have seen it coming. I finally found out that she’s crazy.”

And with that, it was absolutely clear that my friend was 100% OVER this woman.

Not 2 days ago he was falling for her and she could do no wrong.

In fact, the thought of her being “the one” might have even crossed his mind.

But in a matter of moments he had gone from passionate and excited to be with this woman to absolutely, positively sure that she would never be the kind of woman he wanted to stay with.

How did that happen?

So how does a man go from into a woman and thinking she might be “the one”, to suddenly WITHDRAWING because he sees her as “crazy”.

Even though she’s the same great woman he used to be so wild about moments before.

Well, I’ll tell you.

Have you ever heard a man you know - a guy friend, a brother, whoever - talk about how a certain woman is “crazy”?

It’s a common word among men… and if you’ve heard how men use this word, then I don’t have to tell you how men use it as a kind of short-hand.

When a guy says a woman who he was dating turned out to be “crazy”… every other guy who hears this knows what this means about the woman without having to ask.

In fact, without having ever talked about it directly, all men speak this kind of “guy code” about women when it comes to what it means if a woman is “crazy”.

All men have what I think of as a highly tuned “crazy” radar system when it comes to women and dating that signals a warning at the slightest hint of what they perceive as “crazy” behavior.

And what’s more fascinating is that all men have the exact same RESPONSE when they get a hint in their mind that a woman they’re dating is acting “crazy” - they WITHDRAW.

The truth is… no matter how amazing a woman seems, and no matter how incredible the time has been that a man’s spent with a woman, if a woman shows up and does anything that makes him see some of those “crazy” qualities, then EVERYTHING ELSE goes right out the window.

It’s as though nothing else ever happened in a man’s mind… and all he can see are the bad things he’s afraid might be there inside a woman.

Now, I know it’s not very “nice” to say and talk about a silly stereotype about women in general that isn’t true, or very mature to use.

But here’s the thing…

This is THE REALITY of HOW MOST MEN THINK about women when dating, for better or worse.

So why do so many men think this way about women and dating? And what can you do about it?

Here are 2 things you need to know:

1) Men “Date” Without A Relationship In Mind

Do you ever get frustrated that you can go out with a man and have an incredible time together, and maybe even go out on a few dates… and then he’ll simply stop calling and act as though there was never anything there between you?

Or have you ever had a man spend lots of time with you, beg for your time and attention, and then once he gets to be with you he suddenly turns on a dime and tells you how he’s not ready for a serious relationship?

Frustrating, right?

But what do all these things have in common?

They all are examples of how men don’t think of “dating” the way you do.

Men can spend time with a woman, be physical with her, and connect with her on a certain emotional level… and still not have any real desire for a relationship.

This in of itself isn’t a “revelation”.

Here’s what is…

There’s a “danger” to feeling that strong CONNECTION with a man.

The “Danger Of The Connection” you feel with a man is that all the things you think, feel and experience with him will tell you inside with certainty that this is something REAL.

The beginnings of an amazing RELATIONSHIP.

But the reality for a man is that feeling and experiencing this connection with you has VERY LITTLE to do with whether or not he will want a relationship with you.

In his mind, the feelings he shares with you are simply part of him “dating” you and spending time with you… and have nothing to do with him thinking about or wanting to COMMIT to anything with you.

2) Mature And Immature Men Can Be “Scared Off” By Women Who Show “Crazy Signals”

I wish it wasn’t so… but men can see the EMOTIONS you share with him as very bad things. Even when your INTENTION is good.

If you’re concerned about your relationship with a man, and you want to help things along by talking to him about it… often times the very same emotions that you feel because you want things to be better are the same emotions that will have him see you as “crazy” and want to get away from you as quickly as possible.

Sure, it would be great if men weren’t so quick to respond to your emotions in this kind of way… but then guess what?

Then they also wouldn’t be so quick to respond to your emotions in POSITIVE ways either.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

Tell me if this has ever happened to you…

You’re with this great guy, but he seems to be doing something that’s not so great in your relationship.

And it’s starting to bother you.

A lot.

At first you tell yourself that it’s no big deal, and you try and be the “bigger person” and overlook it.

But eventually it gets to you that he doesn’t see what’s going on… and he doesn’t seem to be paying much attention or care the way you do.

So you want to say something to him, but the right time never seems to come.

Then one day he does something that, in other circumstances, wouldn’t be such a big deal.

But since you’ve been holding on to all these other feelings and carrying them around inside for so long… something happens that surprises even you-

You completely lose your composure, and you let him have it.

Maybe you yell.

Maybe you cry.

Or maybe you become completely withdrawn and cold as ice.

Whatever you do, it’s INTENSE.

You can actually feel all the emotions you’ve been carrying around well up and pour out of you in this moment.

And once you get started, you can’t stop.

It ALL comes out as you get totally carried away with your feelings and emotions.

Afterwards, you feel a sense of relief because it feels good getting things off your chest. And you know that it’s good to share your feelings and be honest because it can bring you and a man closer.

But not so fast…

The man in your life doesn’t act like he feels any closer to you now that you’ve shared how you feel with him.

Instead of him understanding you better, he’s completely WITHDRAWN.

Arrrggh!

Here’s something you can do about this kind of frustrating situation with a man right now:

If you find that your emotions get the best of you when you try and talk honestly with the man in your life and it’s tearing you apart…

Or…

If you find that your fears and emotions are keeping you from attracting the right man and getting a great relationship started in the first place, then there’s something you need to do-

You need to quickly get yourself into the right state of mind where the man for you will be naturally drawn to you and your unique “energy”.

Whether you’re aware of it or not, he will sense the mental and emotional “state” you’re in… and he’ll either instantly “feel it” for you, or he won’t.

And sure, if you don’t know what to say or do you’ll have a hard time as well.

But if you’re not coming from the right place as a woman inside… then it won’t matter
what you say or do with a man.

He will hear how you are FEELING louder than anything else.

And if you’re feeling scared, insecure, or uncertain… then he won’t want to get any closer to you.

Instead, he’ll want to get away from you.

So you’ve lost your composure with a man and let fly a whole bunch of feelings that were bottled up inside you… and now he’s acting totally different.

He won’t even talk to you now, and he acts like talking to you is the very last thing on Earth he wants to do.

But wait a second…

He was the one doing the things that upset you or bothered you in the first place. And now that you talk about them and finally get to share your feelings, he pulls away from you!?

What gives?

Before I tell you what’s going on here with a man, I’ve got to be honest with you about
what it really takes to have the kind of loving and honest relationship you probably want where you can share exactly how you feel with a man.

The truth is, you’ll NEVER be able to CONTROL what a man does, or what he decides to do.

Ever.

And if you try, it’s going to mess things up even worse for you and it will backfire.

If you’ve ever tried to change a man, or “fix” him, or convince him to think or feel differently about things in your relationship, then you’ve probably spent a lot of time feeling
like you’re beating your head against a brick wall.

You already know that trying to TALK to a man and get him to think or feel differently when it comes to problems in your relationship RARELY gets you the outcome you want.

But lots of women accidentally fall into this trap.

And without knowing how or why, they find themselves trying to change a man, get him to think or act different, and generally “control” him.

I’ll say this as plainly as I can.

When it comes to men and relationships - this NEVER works.

Ever.

And that’s why trying to get a man to change, think differently, or feel differently in a relationship isn’t the way to a more certain, joyful, lasting love life or relationship.

Now, does this mean that a man can’t or won’t change what he wants, or the way he feels about you and your relationship?

Absolutely not.

Men do complete 180 degree changes in a matter of days or weeks with women ALL THE TIME.

In fact, I was just talking with two good female friends of mine and both of their husbands didn’t want a serious relationship when they were first dating.

So what did these two smart and amazing women do?

Well, first they remembered that they love themselves MORE than they love their relationship.

Which for some women seems like it would mean acting “bitchy” or selfish.

It doesn’t.

Because they loved themselves enough to know that they were amazing loveable women.. they did NOT go into the panic stricken “fix it” mode that so many women go into when they hear their guy isn’t ready for more.

They were able to ACCEPT how their man was feeling.

The second thing they did was simply tell their boyfriend (future husband) that they didn’t see the relationship going anywhere that worked for them because he didn’t want what they wanted… and that they wanted more.

*Note here - they didn’t plead with them. They didn’t complain. And they didn’t try and fix or change him and tell him in so many ways that how he felt was wrong.

So… what do you think happened for both of these women with the men in their lives who weren’t interested in anything “serious”?

The men said, “Ok, I guess it’s over” and their relationships ended.

And the women simply walked away.

Oh no!

But wait… (and here’s where it gets good)

What do you think happened next?

Both of these men ended up calling about 10 to 12 days later.

And guess what? Both of them were suddenly 100% certain and ready about moving forward in their relationship.

So let me ask you…

Did these women try and get the men they were with to love them and be with them by pleading with them, complaining about what was wrong, or trying to CONVINCE them?

No. But this is exactly what most women instinctively do when a man starts showing any sign that he isn’t totally engaged in their relationship - they get scared by it and try all kinds of weak and convincing behaviors to try and change the way he feels.

Hopefully you’re starting to get the fact that a man is NEVER going to change the way he FEELS because you don’t like how it makes you feel.

Men can change in what they want and what they feel… but the REASON THEY CHANGE rarely, if ever, is because a woman asks them to.

A man will change when HE wants to… when he has the time and opportunity to find HIS OWN REASONS to change.

And no matter how smart and intuitive or insightful a woman is, and no matter how “right” she is about what’s going on… a man still has to change for his own reasons.

Now that you’re up to speed on the subtle dynamic that keeps so many women chasing men while pushing them farther away… I want to get back to what’s going on with YOU.

Here’s a quick question for you…

Do you think there’s something going on inside you that’s keeping you from being the very best you?

Is there something about the way that you feel inside, or the way you react when you’re around a man that not only doesn’t help you and isn’t serving you… but is actually driving a good man away without you meaning for it to?

One of the most amazing things in life that I’m personally fascinated with is what I call “blind spots”.

These are the things that others see and feel when they’re around us that we can’t seem to see about ourselves. Even when other people try to tell us or show us.

We all have these of our own.

The question is… what are your “blind spots” with men?

And how much are the things you aren’t even aware of getting in your way right now?

If you’re like lots of women who keep repeating the same relationship patterns over and over with the same kind of men… then the reality is that you have some pretty big blind spots right now.

Ones that you haven’t been able to see or recognize about yourself for YEARS.

Which means that odds are, you aren’t going to become aware of them anytime soon.

That is, unless you get a little help.

Your very first step to stop accidentally pushing love away from you is to accept your part in love’s creation… and in love’s destruction.

The truth is that it’s YOUR BELIEFS about love and how it works that has played the greatest part in keeping you from its fullest expression in yourself and others around you.

Accepting your part will give you back your personal power to create and share Love.

Your second step is to look at what is making you unhappy and evaluate if this “work” you are putting in- is it for this person you are dating, or the possibility of what YOU want him to be?

Are you trying to change him, or subtly convince him to be different than who he really is?

What if a man was constantly communicating to you that the woman you really were wasn’t good enough for him, and that you needed to change to make him happy?

This isn’t a solid or healthy foundation for a real or lasting relationship.

Remember my two amazing married friends who stopped wanting things to be different, and instead accepted the men they were with for who they really were, and how they felt?

Their relationships ended… only to be recreated in a way that had the man truly engaged and committed. And the rest was history.

Of course, you can’t fake your way through this kind of thing with a man.

You can’t want a man to change for you, and feel scared and insecure about yourself and your future… and then tell a man that things aren’t working as a manipulation and get him to suddenly change for you.

You have to genuinely be in the right place inside and have this be your “truth” for your relationship to become TRANSFORMED and GROW as a result.

Doing this out of fear and anxiety will only backfire and the man will leave and never call again.

That’s why your third step here is to make sure you start to discover all the blind spots that are keeping you from what you want.

The funny thing about this is that the act of starting to find and identify your own personal “blind spots”, and then HEALING them is what is going to put you in that magical emotional state that will draw the right man to you and make him want to stay with you.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

What’s the hardest thing to do when you’re first dating a man you really like?

I’ll give you a hint - it’s NOT keeping his interest or attention.

This one thing often means the difference between a great lasting relationship coming together… or a man wanting to leave.

So, do you know what this one thing is?

I’ll tell you…

It’s having that first “talk” with a man about your feelings, your relationship, and where things are going.

In case you didn’t realize it yet, this first serious talk you have with a man can tell him more about you and what your future relationship will be like in his mind than anything else you do.

Now, did you also know that for most single women this is the pivotal moment in time where the “wheels start to come off” with a man?

More “potentially” great relationships come to an end sooner than they should have because of how this first “talk” goes… and the relationship never has a chance to grow.

Ok, back to it.

Let me explain a little bit about how and why things go wrong for most women when they try and have “the talk”.

Think about this…

Before trying to have the talk, things are usually fun and easy… and the guy you’re with thinks you’re incredible and feels relaxed and acts open and loving around you.

He’s communicative, affectionate, and is constantly wanting to spend time with you.

But the moment you try and actually TALK about what’s happening between you, he starts acting VERY different.

Instead of being drawn closer to you as a result of you wanting to talk… he suddenly starts acting like you’re PRESSURING him.

Arrrggggh!

Even though all you want to do is talk and share your feelings.

Why are men so predictable this way?

I’ll get to why this is in a second… and tell you what you can do to make any “talk” you have about your relationship with a man bring you CLOSER, instead of push you apart.

But first… here’s what I find most fascinating about this critical moment in time-

If you’re like lots of women, then it’s YOU who decides that it’s time to have “the talk” and you start the conversation.

(Hint #1 - When you’re the one to start a conversation about a specific topic, you have an incredible OPPORTUNITY to “steer” the conversation in the direction you’d like it to go. But only if you know how and only if you’re willing to take the incredible RESPONSIBILITY that goes along with the opportunity you get with this.)

Unfortunately, most women DON’T initiate the talk from an entirely “positive” place.

And more importantly, most women don’t do and say things in this talk that gets a man to RESPOND and OPEN UP in a positive and loving way.

Instead, they end up “accidentally” having the talk at some less than ideal time because their EMOTIONS get the best of them and take over the conversation completely.

Danger!

I call this being on “auto-pilot”, where the feelings and thoughts you are having literally take control… and you no longer consciously CHOOSE what you want to do and say.

Now, I’m sure you already know where this will get you with a man you’re close to.

It will get you NOWHERE. FAST.

But am I saying it’s bad or “wrong” to have strong or intense emotions, and to share them with a man?

No.

I get that when you have a whole lot of feelings for a man, and a lot of things that are going UNSHARED between you… it can be frustrating and tiring to “carry” all this around and wait for the right moment to talk to him.

You should be able to share your thoughts and feelings with a man.

But it shouldn’t be so difficult with a man who’s mature and got his act together, right?

Wrong.

The reality is that “the talk” with a man isn’t hard because he doesn’t “get it”.

It’s hard because of the situation that is created in the way you start the talk, and the feelings YOU are bringing to it that a man senses and responds to.

Here’s the point…

If you keep on thinking that men just don’t get it and act strange when you try and talk
to them about “real” things, then guess what’s going to happen?

You’re going to keep getting BAD RESULTS each time you decide to share the way you feel with a man and want to talk to him.

And…

You’re NEVER going to get to a place where you can UNDERSTAND MEN. Let alone interact and talk with a man in a way that let’s you be “honest” with your feelings AND causes a man to want to be closer to you after the fact.

The reality is, if you’ve struggled and had bad outcomes by trying to have the talk with a man in the past… things are obviously not working for you.

But not for the REASONS you believe.

There’s something going on here for you at A DEEPER LEVEL… and with the way a man responds to you.

And until you understand what those things are both for YOU and for HIM, you’re bound to keep repeating the same mistakes with men over and over in the same relationship patterns.

(Hint #2 - What YOU are feeling, and what’s going on inside YOU, turns out to be exactly what makes the talk with a man take a turn for the worse. It’s not just that he isn’t capable of “getting it” or listening.)

Of course, if you want to keep on blaming men for being the ones who can’t communicate and who don’t get it… you’re free to do so.

But don’t get frustrated and upset the next time you get the SAME RESULTS with a NEW MAN you’re dating.

The Thing That Makes Him Not Want To Talk

Something fascinating happens when you start to have strong feelings for a man you’ve been dating for a short while-

Even if you tell yourself you’re going to take it slow and “play it smart”… you can’t help but start to quickly grow ATTACHED.

And in fact, your own feelings start to sneak up on you.

And once you recognize this, something inside YOU changes that creates a huge “shift” in your relationship and the way a man feels when he’s around you…

You recognize that for your own SAFETY and sanity, you need to find out what “the deal” is with this guy BEFORE things go any further, and you share even more of your heart, mind, and body.

So you decide you’d like to simply talk with your guy and see where he’s at.

But deep down, something inside YOUR MIND has already changed.

And as you get into the conversation, and you start getting an idea that he’s not as into your relationship as you are… something else instantly shifts in you…

You shift from wanting to simply talk and share more around your LOVE and AFFECTION for each other and keep things going, and you feel and talk about something else entirely.

And it’s at this point that suddenly a new emotional element gets introduced into the conversation.

FEAR and UNCERTAINTY.

But what’s worse, it’s YOUR fear and certainty about where things are going, and what might go wrong that starts to make him feel strange and start acting DISTANT.

In just a few short moments, you’ve gone from wanting to talk with him to feeling worried and anxious, to NEEDING to know what he’s feeling and what he wants to try and feel better.

But of course he doesn’t have an answer for you. He doesn’t know what he wants. And now things are no better than before.

In fact, now he’s acting DISTANT and gets more and more WITHDRAWN as time goes on.

Now… here’s a question for you-

When you show up with all these quickly shifting emotions going on inside your mind…
and all this fear and uncertainty about how a man is feeling and going to respond to you, can you guess what will happen next.

I’ll tell you.

He ends up SHARING the fear and uncertainty that you’re feeling.

But instead of it making him want to turn TOWARDS you and figure out what’s going on and what this is about… he TURNS AWAY from you.

(Hint #3 - Emotions are CONTAGIOUS. If you are carrying around some kind of fear or negative feeling and you start talking with someone you’re close to, they will sense your emotional “state” and respond to it. And with men, when they sense emotional uncertainty and fear inside a woman they’re dating, their gut-level reaction is to GET AWAY!)

Now, a man will share your fears, and respond negatively to your uncertainty no matter how “good” or loving your intentions are.

It’s not just your intention that matters…

It’s the feelings and emotions you bring to “the talk” that shape the way you SAY and DO everything… and therefore also shapes the way the man you’re with SEES you and FEELS when he’s around you.

And for most women, when they bring a level of fear and uncertainty to the first “talk” with a man… it tragically marks THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

By wanting to talk about your relationship in order to make it better… you can end up having the exact OPPOSITE EFFECT on your relationship than you set out for.

WHY TRYING HARDER OR TALKING MORE DOESN’T WORK WITH A MAN… AND WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Let me ask you a very direct question…

Have you ever talked a man into doing something he didn’t want to do?

If you’ve spent much time around men at all and know anything about how men can be… then you know that trying to “push” a man into something has just one result-

The harder you push… the harder he’ll try to RESIST you.

Let me be really honest with you right now.

Reading all of this, you might be feeling even more frustrated than you were before.

This is a good thing.

Here’s why- if something about me describing in detail the situation where things go wrong with a man, the things you feel, and how he responds gets to you… then the reality is that there is some “truth” in this for you.

But more importantly, it also means that there’s an important lesson that you could learn here.

If you’re tired of trying to be the one to change and adapt to make things work with a man… then I get where you’re coming from.

But here’s the thing-

You can waste all the energy in the world trying to get the results you want with men, dating, and relationships.

But if you’re not doing WHAT WORKS with men, then your energy could be endlessly drained and wasted. It wouldn’t matter how hard you tried, or how much you wanted things to work out… or how good of a person or a woman you are.

None of that will matter if you’re still not doing the right things.

I can’t tell you how many women write to me and share that they wished they had come across my eBook and my other programs years and years ago.

It would have saved them literally years of wasted time, energy, and tears by doing all the wrong stuff.

I don’t want you to continue to have to try and make what doesn’t work with men work for you, out of sheer will and determination.

When you find what works in life, it’s amazing how quickly everything seems to fall into place.

You probably know this feeling already where things just seem to “flow”, and each situation in life comes to have a significant and meaningful purpose that connects to all the others you’re having.

And all the people and relationships around you just simply fall into place for you with no “effort” at all.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in Life and Love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

I purchased your e-book last night and have been reading it. Wow! But I admit I skipped to some parts to get to others that I thought I needed to read first…and now I’m going back to read the entire thing. I wanted to share something with you first that struck me.

I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him - more than a friendship. We have been intimate with each other about 3 times. Everything was fine until I mentioned my feelings to him. I wasn’t asking him for a relationship…but he took it that way. I have since then been pouring my heart out to him and pretty much looking insane.

Is there any way to save it? I know he has feelings for me.

Please help…and tell me how to reverse the damage I have done.

Thanks so much

T.

WAKE UP GIRL!

I’ve got to slap some sense into you for your own good.

I’m going to skip some critical stuff here because you’ve got my book.

And I’ve got some new ideas for you too…

There’s an important scientific word I want you to learn and remember:

“Duh”

You OBVIOUSLY have real feelings for him - you’re sleeping with him!

And I’m willing to bet you had these feelings all along, but you just weren’t completely up front about them.

Your situation is possibly the WORST kind of uphill battle a woman can have with a man early on.

It’s a BIG NO-NO.

Actually, it’s THE big NO-NO in the early dating stage…

Using purely “physical attraction” to start a potential relationship.

Now, you can go from a committed and deep relationship to something “casual” or physical.

And for most men, that’s relatively easy.

But, it is almost impossible to go from the “friends-with-benefits” situation to a deep, fulfilling, intimate and lasting situation.

If you know what I’m talking about here say, “Amen!”

I know this first hand.

From my own love life and from lots of men and women I’ve known in my life.

So… rarely do I give rules, but here’s an absolute RULE when it comes to men -

DON’T EVER try and start things with a man at a casual and purely physical level if you EVER want the option for something more meaningful or long term.

Men don’t work this way, like it or not.

And don’t try to get a man BACK with physical attraction and sex either.

It’s a dead end street.

OK… here’s the first thing you need to do.

Go read my book again - and this time finish it.

Then read it 2 more times.

(Just buying it won’t help you.)

The worst part of this is that you’re smart and you know better - I can tell.

But, I guess you’re a glutton for punishment.

And I can’t see why you’re surprised with how frustrating your situation is…

Because YOU helped create it with your own choices.

But, you’re still not getting it, so I’m going to give you a crash course in the kind of dating that leads to love and happiness that you need.

Ready?

Here we go…

1. KNOW YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU’RE AFTER

You said, “I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him.”

It’s NOT a mistake to share your feelings with a man.

It IS a mistake to share your feelings with a man too early and in a negative context.

And, you made both of these mistakes, therefore, setting yourself up for failure.

How?

By choosing and “tolerating” a situation that just doesn’t work for you.

INSTANTLY you become the nay-sayer and antagonist for the story you chose to live out and the role you signed up for.

At least that’s the way your guy probably sees it.

One minute you’re blissfully happy in his embrace and then a day or two later your feelings of content have turned to fear and desperation…

All because of a “talk” you wanted to have with him.

Yeah, I’m riding you a bit hard here, but it’s for your own good.

Instead of being open with yourself about what YOU are truly after, you pursued some kind of “friends with benefits” strategy to get things moving.

I don’t believe that this kind of relationship came about because of any part of who you really are.

That’s why you’re freaking out.

You thought you could handle it.

You thought you’d get something out of it.

And for a minute, it was fun.

But then your feelings snuck up on you.

Eventually you were reminded of what you’re really after with a man and what you value.

Right now you have two pictures in your mind:

One picture is of this “casual” thing going on.

And the other one is what you actually want.

The two pictures are so radically different and far apart from each other, that it’s no wonder you’re acting “insane”.

Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line for what you’re ACTUALLY doing with this guy.

It’s time to stop creating situations in your life that you KNOW won’t make you happy or comfortable - even if they feel good in the moment.

2. FIND YOUR PERSONAL STANDARDS & REQUIREMENTS… AND THEN STICK TO THEM

Starting things with a man in this “casual sex” way, is a SURE FIRE way to ruin your odds of creating something more meaningful in the future.

I’m a guy.

I know.

But, more importantly, getting into a “casual” situation with a man you might want to date, has a
VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.

So…

Unless you’re one out of a hundred thousand women that gets “swept off her feet” by an open, caring, great communicator, who makes moving into a committed relationship effortless… then you’re going to have to start asking yourself some questions about what you really want from your love life.

And, find some answers…

And then… oh my god… actually be honest about them from the start.

Here’s an important question to ask:

WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS?

And I do mean YOUR needs.

Not what you’re accepting or tolerating or hoping to get from a man just because there’s nothing better around right now.

Be clear here and think it through.

I’ll give you a minute…

Most women I know who are casually dating, have a set of subconscious requirements that have to be met for them to be able to enjoy the process of dating.

But, they rarely recognize these requirements, or communicate them in an appealing way to a man, that also speaks to his needs.

So, they end up in a situation that is anything but what they were looking for.

Here are a few of these “must haves” that women often aren’t honest about at the start:

- That any man they’re involved with, in any way, isn’t dating or still involved with another woman

- That he’s open and ready to explore a serious relationship once they get to know each other

- That he share some the same values and priorities in his life that she does - or can at least appreciate and support her values

Here’s an example of “stereotypical” female values in order of priority:

Love -> Trust -> Intimacy -> Connection

And, here’s one example of “stereotypical” male values in order of priority:

Financial Success-> Adventure-> Freedom

See any area for conflict and confusion about what’s important if these two people got together?

Interesting…

So, how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS to feel good when it comes to men and dating?

And, how do you communicate these to a man?

Do you do it indirectly through frustration and anger when your requirements aren’t being met?

And do it AFTER THE FACT?

Or do you do it directly and in a positive context as things are getting started, so you’re in sync from the get-go?

Think about it for a second…

I’ll give you more time because this one’s important…

Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going to make the right decisions for you.

And he won’t be able to magically recognize and meet all of your needs or values.

Sticking to your standards helps you show a man how happiness works for you.

3. RADICALLY REJECT BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN’T MEET YOUR STANDARDS

After observing and studying how our minds work, I recognized something FASCINATING a few years back.

When we’re in a negative situation with someone in our life, we’re there because we’re getting something out of it behind the scenes.

Here’s what you’re getting out of the “casual” thing…

You get a safe and risk free path to get close to this guy.

Even though you’re not close at all.

Also known as “working it from the ‘friend zone’”.

So, for you, to get your needs met by getting close and intimate in a way that seems, at first, to be REJECTION or ABANDONMENT FREE for you.

After all, how vulnerable would you be if you shared what you REALLY were looking for up front?

Then you might end up feeling disappointment or loss.

Or be unable to continue the “friendship” that you have right now.

And maybe having to start over alone might actually be worse in your mind than having something crappy that you’re “tolerating” and fighting with a man about.

If you look deeper, you’ll probably see that your desire for something more was there all along underneath the surface.

But, you didn’t want to share it for fear of scaring him off or getting hurt.

This may sound harsh, but you’ve got to be clear and direct with a man if what he’s doing is not up to par with where you need your partner to be.

You have to show a man what a woman wants and needs because he probably wasn’t born knowing it like you were.

And, do it in a way that rejects the BEHAVIOR, not him personally.

My favorite way of thinking about how to do this, is to be like a “velvet hammer”.

Strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at the same time.

The funny thing is, that as tough and as “bitchy” or self-centered doing this might sound right now, most men respond MAGICALLY to a woman who does this in the right way.

Why?

Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life and her world.

There’s nothing that triggers more intense “long term” attraction in a healthy and mature man, than a woman who he CAN’T control and doesn’t get thrown off center when her needs aren’t met.

Using the “velvet hammer” also has another AMAZING benefit that women don’t often recognize… or they don’t even see as a benefit at first.

It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away because they’re never going to get their act together in the first place, or just don’t want to.

A large percentage of the time, the man will stop communicating or go away for a short while.

But here’s the best part…

With the “good guys” that you probably WANT to be with long-term, something FASCINATING happens…

They come back around.

And even better, they’ve done all the leg work themselves to be a better partner… in a way the woman could have never fixed or convinced him to do, no matter how hard she tried.

4. FIND AND USE WHAT CREATES DEEPER ATTRACTION AND CONNECTION WITH MEN

Ever hear of “approval seeking” behavior?

It’s when we try to do and say things simply to get a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves from someone else.

Well, it’s a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man early on.

Your need for your guy’s APPROVAL is your worst enemy right now.

To him, what you’re doing is actually the complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.

I’ll give you an example…

Have you ever seen what it looks like when a man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman?

As he’s just getting to know her and he sees that she hasn’t completely made up her mind to want to be with him, what does he do?

He buys her gifts.

He calls her all the time.

He offers to do favors and errands for her.

All these are attempts to prove to her that he’s good enough to be with her or to get her attention.

This is also known as the “really nice guy” approach.

Women just never seem to quite “feel it” for the super nice guy.

Of course, some women disagree and like to tell me that they really like nice guys.

Here’s my take…

A guy can already be attractive AND do nice things.

Agreed?… You CAN be attractive AND do nice things.

But doing nice things DOES NOT make a man more attractive.

If a woman wasn’t really “feeling it” before, no amount of nice guy behavior will win her heart over.

It just doesn’t work that way.

With me here?

Instead of making her feel attracted to him, what is actually happening inside a lot of women when a man is taking on the “nice guy” strategy?

Somewhere deep down she starts to lose RESPECT for him because she knows she can CONTROL him.

The woman doesn’t consciously choose to experience this, but it’s how she FEELS.

And feelings are the most powerful things we have to drive our beliefs and desires.

Ever stop to think that the same thing might work in reverse between a woman’s behavior and a man’s?

Interesting…

I’ve got a FASCINATING question for you.

Guess what one of the most common, central, human experiences is that we all feel when it comes to LOVE?

Give up?

It’s a LOSS OF CONTROL.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, think about a love you’ve had in the past, or friends you know who have been head over heels in love.

Or pick up a book on the physiological and psychological effects of love on our minds and bodies.

There have been lots of great studies.

Crazy stuff.

Anyway, our minds work obsessively on thoughts about the other person when we’re in love.

We think and plan to do all kinds of things for our lover.

Part of why we do this is to try and find the best way to get or share love back from the other person.

Some of this is beautiful and positive, but not all of it.

Some of what we do is to think up ways to try and CONTROL the other person, so they won’t ever leave or take the love we’re feeling away.

The classic adolescent example of this is when a girl wants to break up with a guy, and the guy falsely threatens to kill himself if she leaves.

I’m not making light of that horrible situation, but it’s a good example.

Nod your head if you know what I’m talking about and you get where I’m going with this.

What I’m doing here is showing you the subtle connection between LOVE and the LOSS OF CONTROL experience.

Now, let’s tie it back to approval seeking behavior…

How does approval seeking effect LOVE?

And, what does it have to do with CONTROL?

For men, approval seeking behavior KILLS the spark that comes from the uncertainty of not knowing exactly how the women he’s with is going to think and act.

What does a man have to think and wonder about if he’s got complete certainty about everything a woman’s going to do?

Do you think a man feels intense desire, love and respect for a woman he can completely control?

Or when her behavior is totally predictable?

And what if she starts acting predictably NEGATIVE?

Think about it…

It’s this “natural tension” and challenge of not having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong ATTRACTION in men.

HERE’S WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

What most women ask in situations when a man isn’t responding the way they want him to is…

“WHY is he acting this way and how do I make sense of it and “fix” it?”

Well, you can’t “fix” a man.

And I really feel for you if you’re one of those women who are trying.

But, you CAN change a situation and the FEELINGS that a man is having for you.

You can change his EXPERIENCE with you.

The toughest and most important thing to understand is that mens behavior and thinking in these situations aren’t at all LOGICAL.

In other words, how a man reacts doesn’t make ANY “sense” and doesn’t follow any rhyme or reason.

So, of course, it baffles and frustrates women when they run it through their own “sense making filters”.

Let me ask you a question…

If you were an attractive man, would you want to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make you attracted and feel good… or would you want a woman who just “got it” on her own… “naturally” and everything flowed?

Duh. (there’s that scientific word again)

You’d want the woman who already “got it”.

So, more likely than a conspiracy against women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON’T respond to women who DON’T.

OK, let’s talk about these concepts a little bit more.

Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is about a man perceiving that he and a woman are “naturally compatible” because his emotional and physical sparks fly when he’s around her.

NOTE: I did NOT use the word “logical” here.

Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman and then thinking to himself:

“Let’s see…she’s got a good job, works hard, and is a really good person… Hmmm, I think that we have some natural attraction going on here.”

WRONG.

For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE or it ISN’T.

There are no two ways about it.

If it isn’t, he’s not FEELING it.

Unfortunately, most women think:

“Well, if things aren’t going great, it must be because he doesn’t know something that I know, or feel something I feel. I think I’ll explain to him logically from my point of view how he needs to feel like I do… and then he’ll get it and know how and why we should love each other.”

Thanks and best of luck in life and love!

Your Friend,

Christian Carter